Review: SHARE Dildo

Share is a sweet silicone dildo from Toys in Babeland. It was the first time I'd had experience with a dildo you and a partner can use at the same time (hence the name!), so I had fun trying it out with my Dom. It was worth it to review just for the laughs.

Share is a totally unique bedroom toy because it is a "strapless strap-on." Believe me, those are hard to come by! Rather than strapping on the dildo, you insert the shorter, thicker end into you vagina and use it that way. The toy is silicone, meaning it's soft, comfy on my skin (much better than those hard plastic toys--ouch!), and easy to clean, which is important if you're going to be using a toy for any sort of pentration. It comes in pink, deep purple (the one I reviewed and it's beautiful!), or a more manly black if you so desire. The "penis" end of the dildo is 7 inches long and an inch and a half thick, while the thicker end is 1 3/4" by 5 1/2". Of course, Share requires no batteries and runs on manpower alone.

While Share is probably more geared toward lesbian lovers, it is also A-ok for heteros, too, like my Dom and me. You just need a guy willing to give anal penetration a try! Luckily for me, my Dom is adventerous enough to try anything, so we gave it a shot.

The only downfall of Share is that one of the partners has to be female, since the "strap-on" end must be inserted into a vagina.

Because I am the one with a vagina, the penetration part was going to be all up to me, but before we started the "dual action," we played around with Share a bit just as a regular hand-held dildo. And it worked that way, too! I wanted to experience how both ends felt first-hand, and so we began. My partner inserted the longer, slender end and we played a bit with that. I liked the extra length of Share, although without lubricant the silicone felt awkward and almost gave my skin a burning sensation. With lube, however, this went away. As an additional plus, the soft bulging end made a good natural hand-held spot for my Dom.

Next we tried the other end on me, and I loooooved this. Loved it! The thickness and unique shape of Share felt wonderful. It was a perfect fit, with an awesome balance of thickness and unique curves to fit in all the right places. Of course, this end was too short to be used with any sort of in-and-out motion, but holding it in and squeezing my inner muscles was enough to make me happy!

My Dom was game for some anal penetration, although I was worried because we'd never tried anything quite so long or thick with him before. But we went slowly and worked with some Babeland lube, which worked great, and were eventually able to insert Share all the way. In certain positions the dildo hurt him and had to be removed, but once we found "the spot" he relaxed and reported it was "a lot of pressure and, once I got used to it, it felt good." From behind and atop him, I was able to insert the dildo into both of us, which felt better for both of us and gave us some great, sexy body-to-body time with kissing and small thrusts on my part (it felt heavenly for me). We both loved the physical contact and shared pleasure Share allows, and I enjoyed getting to press my whole body into him while moaning with pleasure into his ear.

Of course, Share isn't perfect (what toy is??? or person, for that matter?). Since this was my first time with a make-shift penis attached to my body, thrusting was new and awkward for me and I was never able to achieve much momentum. Also, without a strap to keep Share on my body, it tended to slip out if I wasn't careful. My partner also wanted to try dual penetration with us standing and me behind him, but we weren't able to manage that position with Share. Still, trying awkwardly to line up our standing bodies was good for a laugh!

In the end, I enjoyed both ends of Share and my Dom says it would be a great anal toy for men and women who already have some experience in the anal realm. Babeland has come up with yet another funky, enjoyable toy.

YKIMY

"YKIMK" is a common coin phrase tossed around. Its meaning?

"Your Kink Isn't My Kink."

This is a shortened version of the popular motif "Your kink isn't my kink but your kink is okay." In fact, some people will even spell the acronym for this longer phrase, YKIMKBYKIOK.

Because I like things simple, I stick with YKIMK.

YKIMK is a slogan in the BDSM world. People use it to remind each other not to judge.

Hard to believe, isn't it, that it one of the world's most misunderstood and "out there" alternative lifestyles, people in the groups are still pointing fingers at others in the lifestyle? Some people will get all bent out of shape. "Pretending to be a horse is so gross. You want to use drugs during a scene?!?! But asphixiation isn't SAFE! I just don't understand people who want to be raped. What is wrong with those monogamists?"

Yes, it's true; even in an alternative community, there are some activities (like polyamory, spanking, and age play) that are considered more "mainstream" and others that are considered more "taboo." Many people call these Edge Play because they tend to be more dangerous and out there "on the edge."

Sure, I think some people's kinks are wrong or immoral; I won't lie. I'm a Christian, so I have pretty fixed ideas about what is okay and what is wrong. While many BDSMers may be into poly, porn, and public scenes, I am not. Do I think their decisions are wrong and immoral? Yes. Is it my business? Nope. Do I feel the need to tell them my feelings unasked? Nope. I keep my beliefs to myself and respect others' rights to their own kinks. YKIMK.

Others I've heard about are against kinks they consider "weird" (like monogamy) or dangerous (like asphixiation). Several people on FetLife once criticized me for wanting to know if there were any chemicals or drugs that could be used to knock me unconscious or nearly so in rape play. They said it was too dangerous! Other kinksters thankfully stepped in and reminded them, Hey.... YKIMK.

Probably the most unpopular kinks are the ones that are illegal (beastiality, pedophilia, drugs). For those, I think YKIMK can be ignored.

Just remember, when you hear about someone doing something that you find weird, disgusting, repulsive, or just plain gross.... YKIMK. Sure, you may not like some kinks, but others may not like yours. An atmosphere of mutual respect is the best thing. Sure, you may not like it now, but maybe someday you will (my Dom once swore he would never be able to hit me! HaHaHa!). Even if you don't, others have a right to practice whatever weirdo things make them happy, as long as they are Safe, Sane, and Consensual (and legal!).

Remember... YKIMK.

Scared to Start Full-Time D/s

I normally keep my blog fairly impersonal, preferring to concetrate on the "how-to" and education than titillate readers with my personal sexual accounts and struggles.

Soon, that might begin to change.

My partner and I are starting full-time Dominant and submissive relationship (FT D/s for short). I feel scared and nervous, like I’ve been swept along without seeing this coming. I guess I should have seen the logical destination of all this, but I did not.

My rushing river took me from kinky to kink to BDSM to D/s to CDD to full time.

How do I explain?

I know I’m being a baby. I know I shouldn’t shirk at the idea of being a full-time submissive (and with a very lenient beginning code to follow, at that!) when so many other brave men and women are already FT subs and slaves in intense ways I can imagine but could never do.

But I’m still scared.

Of course, I don’t like change. Especially change I didn’t see coming. I was terrified about the idea of getting engaged, TERRIFIED. Having freak outs, nightmares, the whole bit. Then when it happened, I subsided into a happy calm and wondered why I’d never done this before. I loved it and the security and peace it brought. This may be the same.

I’m still pretty new to BDSM. I’ve only known there was a name for my desires, and more outlets and people using them than I’d ever dreamed, about 6 months ago. In that time, my Dom and I have started a fun, happy part-time D/s relationship; that is, just in the bedroom. That means that I enjoy BDSM, love it in fact, but am still learning and growing in it. I thought we had years of happy growing and pushing our boundaries. We use it in the bedroom almost all the time, discuss it constantly, but when it came down to it, I still spent more time blogging about it than doing it.

We both agreed that we were not interested in FT. To me, those people were valid and real, certainly, but it was not for me. They lived a sort of hazy existence in a parallel reality. I had no doubt their reality was real, but I couldn’t see myself joining it. I saw them as the “real” BDSMers, the people who float along beside us on Earth at our jobs and family reunions, but who really belong to the world they’ve chosen, a world of servitude and dominance, a world of limits and pushing and growing, a world of munches and BDSM communities and FetLife and play parties.

Then I discovered CDD (Christian domestic discipline). It wasn’t BDSM, but it was similar. It was founded on the basic biblical principles of male dominance and female submission, with corporal punishment to back it up. I researched it and was oh-so-turned on. I thought it was HOT! I longed for a man to do that to me, to love me and cherish me and guide me and punish me mercilessly. I shared this with my Dom. I wrote many, many blogs on the subject, defending CDD and explaining how it was a valid way of life.

My Dom and I naturally started playing with the idea of these “spankings.” It was quite consensual. The more we talked about it, the more turned on I got. I longed to be pulled over my Dom’s knee and paddled til I screamed and cried and, at last, submitted. I longed for him to be strong and firm and demanding and gentle and kind and sadistic. I was terribly drawn to the idea, as was he.

Next thing I knew, we were idly discussing my punishments. (I deserved them.) We had a dispute over whether a certain remark was punishable or not. Being a strict lover of discipline and clear expectations, I insisted we write out a mutually-agreed upon code so I knew what to expect and he knew what to enforce. We discussed it for some time on the phone, and the next day agreed to draft up a typed copy of each of our responsibilities and rules.
Without warning, I panicked.

I could not join in this CDD, I insisted. CDD at its core is no different than D/s in BDSM. I could not be part of a FT D/s relationship! It was absurd! Not only that, it was terrifying.
My Dom was concerned over my new panic and sudden switch of thinking. He asked to know what I was feeling. Wide-eyed and panicked, like an animal trapped in a cage, I could not tell him—I could only insist I could not do this.

I hadn’t wanted it, I exclaimed wildly. We had agreed not to, I shouted. This was insane, I whined. How could we do this? I was a smart, intelligent, educated woman. We were D/s in the bedroom, equals in life. How could I obey him? I cringed at the word “obey.” How dare he request obedience from me? I wasn’t a dog! What would my mother say?, I moaned, My perfect, domineering, feminist mother?! How would my family react if they knew? I’d be going against everything I’d been raised to believe, everything they stood for. How did I know he wouldn’t abuse his power? How did I know he wouldn’t turn me into a servant and slave the moment I handed him the reins? Why did he want to punish me, anyway? I wasn’t a child! I was an adult, an adult, a full-grown, mature, intelligent, strong, capable adult! Couldn’t he just talk to me about my mistakes? And who gave him the authority to judge my mistakes, anyway?!

My Dom remained quiet, listening. He said we could wait and see. Finally, I agreed to draft up the rules. I did it, with great hesitation. He agreed to draft his rules, his responsibilities first. We did, then mine. We kept mine light and easy. We set the contract for 1 month and agreed one, either, or both of us could terminate it at the end of that time. We mutually agreed upon my rules and boundaries.

And yet I am afraid. This is a change I wouldn’t have believed possible a week ago, much less 6 months ago or a year ago. How can this be happening to me?!?

I went to college. I taught high school for two years. I traveled the world. I lived abroad alone. How can I, great post-feminism, twenty-first century, I-AM-WOMAN-HERE-ME-ROAR generation woman, agree to this? Bow to this?

And what about it made me drawn to it in the first place?

These are questions I cannot ask myself. When I think about our new arrangement, I feel anxious, worried, and sick. I cannot think about it. I have not looked at the rules. I will not see him again until Monday. Will he take them too seriously? Will he be too harsh? Will I hate this?

Why did I do this? Will he be too demanding and force me to break free and fly away? Or worse, will he be too lenient on me and lose my respect forever?

Stay tuned to find out.

CDD: Introduction

I have discovered a new lifestyle/philosophy that is similar to, yet distinct from, D/s BDSM relationships. This is called Domestic Discipline, or DD for short, or Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD).

DD and CDD are both marriages that have decided to make authority and discipline a part of their marriage. There is no difference in the practice of DD and CDD; the only difference is that CDD practices domestic discipline as part of a Christian tradition of male dominance and feminine submission (Ephesians 5:22-27). Whether you find sites on domestic discipline from a Christian point of view or a secular one, the webmasters often work together to promote their ideas of loving, consensual relationships where one partner has the authority.

This is very similar to the BDSM idea of D/s relationships, but people in DD relationships don't consider themselves part of the kink community. For them, spanking and punishment is not about kink or sex, but about maintaining a balanced household where both parties are cared for and loved. The leader receives reverence, respect, obedience, and 51% of decision-making responsibilities. The follower receives guidance, nurturing, care, discipline, and 49% of the decision-making. Both are required to partake in open, honest communication and to fully participate in their marriage, raising their children, and maintaining their lives.

Spanking is often the most-discussed element of DD. While spanking can be (and usually is) part of a DD household, it does not have to be. Other consequences can be used, including corner time, writing lines, or whatever the dominant person (often called HOH or Head of Household) decrees.

How is the HOH different from a Dom or Domme? Well, they're not really. They are two terms for the same figure: a dominant person in a relationship. And while DD and CDD are similar to BDSM, they are not the same.

How is domestic discipline different from BDSM? First, BDSM encompasses a large array of activities: Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. DD is the same as the D/s part of BDSM, but has nothing to do with kink, bondage, sadism, or masochism. There is no pain for pain's sake. Also, DD is not "play" or a "scene." It is very real, with the HOH providing discipline and correction to change his partner's behavior, attitude, or words. It also seems that your average DD discipline is very light compared to the whips and chains we often associate with BDSM; you may see a HOH sending a disobedient wife to the corner and then bending her over his knee, but you aren't going to see them at a local munch, refering to their bedroom as a dungeon, or playing with needles, whips, St. Andrew's Crosses, or strap-on dildos. Punishment is only given when needed, and it is always intended to correct a real offence.

If you are interested in learning more about DD and CDD, please follow my links below. More will be available shortly.

CDD: Introduction (you're here now!)
CDD: Discipline and Punishment
CDD: A Typical Punishment Session
CDD: Why Women Want a Strong Man
CDD: The 3 Ds and Other Offenses
CDD: To Read More

CDD: To Read More

I've written extensively about Domestic Discipline (DD) and Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD) in this blog. To see my articles, please follow the following links:

CDD: Introduction

CDD: Discipline and Punishment

CDD: A Typical Punishment Session

CDD: Why Women Want a Strong Man

CDD: The 3 Ds and Other Offenses

CDD: To Read More

To see other websites, I've arranged a link library for you below. (Porn, pictures, and discussion forums are not included):

Domestic Discipline

Elizabeth Burns' Domestic Discipline Site

The Gentlemanly Art of Spanking the Woman You Love

Vicki Blue's Guide to Domestic Discipline

Christian Domestic Discipline

Christian Domestic Discipline

Christian Domestic Discipline Online

Leah's CDD Blog

Spanking Toys Online

E-bay: cheap paddles and floggers

Eden Fantasys: spanking gear of all types

Extreme Restraints: paddles, whips, crops, canes, slappers. Warning: nude pictures!

Healthy and Active: light toys for newbies

Rosy Bottom: specializes in spanking implements of all types

Sensual Direct: slappers and paddles

CDD: The 3 Ds and Other Offenses

In Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD) or its secular counterpart (DD), you may already know you want to start this lifestyle, have researched many links and read articles and testimonies online, and know how to warm up and deliver a good spanking. But what are punishable offenses?

You don't want to make too many rules or be too nit-picky in your rules, because if the task is impossible why would your wife bother? Take some time to sit down and talk together. The two of you should decide together what goals and rules you want to set. Remember, this is not a time for you to control her life, but a chance to help her grow and keep her emotionally and physically safe.

Several couples start small with the 3 Ds. You can eventually add on addictions, bad habits, spiritual issues, and anything else the two of you want. Remember, you can only do CDD/DD if she agrees to give you the control, and this means the two of you must agree on both the end (goals) and the means (rules and consequences.)

The 3 Ds

• Disrespect
• Disobedience
• Dishonesty
• Destructiveness (Oo, I sneaked one in! the 4th D, used by some DD/CDD websites)

Addictions

• Smoking
• Caffeine
• Shopping
• Drinking
• Alcohol
• Sugar
• Gambling
• Pornography
• Sex
• Food
• Others...?
• Please be aware that you should not ask your wife to sacrifice anything for her health that you are not willing to sacrifice as well. Also, please read the symptoms of addictions here and realize that simply enjoying and using a substance too much does NOT mean you are addicted.

Bad Habits

• Nail biting
• Tardiness
• Sarcasm
• Temper Tantrums
• Chronic Messiness
• Controlling Tendencies
• Overbooking yourself
• Sleeping in Makeup
• Lack of Higiene or Health Care
• Knuckle cracking
• Gossiping
• Others....?

Spiritual Issues

• Not attending church
• Spiritual apathy
• Not praying regularly
• Not serving others
• Not reading the Bible or finding time to worship
• Sinning

Remember, you aren't her Daddy and you aren't her boss. It is up to God to change her and decide what needs to be changed, not you. You are only to be a tool that God uses to help her change. Decide together, agree upon a suitable consequence, and stick to it.

Please remember to be fair. Don't insist she give up coffee for her health if you do not do so as well. Consider having her tone down some bad habits that may not be full addictions rather than cutting them out altogether. Only cut those things out that are for her own good, not things that simply annoy you. You are her spiritual leader, and it is up to you to make sure she stays happy, healthy, and whole.

Also, be specific. "Disrespect" means something different to all of us. What you may see as disrespectful may be how her mother always talked to her father. Make sure the two of you agree specifically on what constitutes disrespect and what does not. Give her specific, clear instructions. She cannot follow vague orders.

I hope this leads you to a happier, better marriage!

CDD: Introduction

CDD: Discipline and Punishment

CDD: A Typical Punishment Session

CDD: Why Women Want a Strong Man

CDD: The 3 Ds and Other Offenses

CDD: To Read More

CDD: Why Women Want a Strong Man

For more info on CDD, see the rest of my series:
CDD: Introduction
CDD: Discipline and Punishment
CDD: A Typical Punishment Session
CDD: Why Women Want a Strong Man
CDD: The 3 Ds and Other Offenses
CDD: To Read More

Most DD and CDD relationships (no official studies have been done, but about 75% according to one website owner) are male-HoH, female-submissive models. However, there are growing numbers of couples who find pleasure in the wife assuming the role of Head of Household (HoH). Is it possible for a woman to lead, or a gay couple to participate in DD? You betcha! However, since most of these relationships have a male head, and I myself am part of a Christian relationship working toward this model, forgive me if I seem sexist in my use of pronouns.

Why do women (or those in the submissive role of CDD/DD) want a strong leader?

Some people, aghast at the "violence" and "control" behind CDD, assume the women have once been abused to want this type of relationship. This is easily disproved by the many online testimonies of women who have never been abused and yet willingly participate in these marriages. Others believe it is a religious idea founded on old-fashioned sexism, misogyny, and male patriarchy; this can't be true since many self-proclaimed (male and female) feminists participate, and many participants are in no way religious, nor would they tolerate male domination outside their marriages. Another criticism is that the men must want all the control, but I must say I see men getting more responsibility and work than control. The last common argument against CDD is that the men force their poor wives into this; however, in my research I've noticed almost all of these CDD/DD sites are started and run by women, catering to other women who are curious about the lifestyle and want to know how to introduce their husbands.

The final conclusion one comes to is that these women must want a strong male figure in their lives. Not a king, not a master, not an owner, not a Daddy, but a strong, kind, loving, just, and firm husband.

Different theories for this desire in many women--and some men--abound.

Evolutionary Response

Mr. Fondman quotes Dr. Skynner, who points out that men have evolved to be violent, dominant, and aggressive in order to hunt food and protect their families. In today's nonviolent world, when office jobs, national security forces, and grocery stores nullify the need for overt displays of dominance, many men have "lost touch" with their masculine side. Society expects them to be calm, quiet, and kind of wussy.

"Women don't want men to fizzle away," Dr Skynner said. "They want men to be men still. They want a man who's a man, and sticks up for himself in more ways than one. If he doesn't they despise him. That's what men have to do, they have to fight it out."

Mr. Fondman believes women seem to pick fights and test men subconsciously. This is a "mate-testing mechanism." Women have a need to feel safe and secure. In the wild, they wanted a mate who would protect them from wild animals and attacking men. They needed this for the safety of their homes and their children--for their very lives.

So the woman doesn't want to wait til the wild animals are at the door. She wants to test the man NOW, while danger is still far away; she tests him herself to see if he is the type to stand up and say, "Enough!" or slink away from a fight. Today, women may not need protection from Huns and wolves, but they do need protection--from rapists, terrorists, hateful mothers, back-stabbing friends, and soul-draining jobs. They need to know they and their children are physically and emotionally safe. Mr. Fondman believes this is why women "test" their husbands when they are feeling insecure, upset, or unsure about their husband's resolve. If he stands up to her, she feels safe and reassured; if he retreats, sulks, explodes in anger, or acts like a wimp, evolution tells this women to pack up and move on to the next--stronger--man!

He points out,

"Many women cannot abide men who do not stand their ground. Many women fall out of love with a man who doesn't deal decisively with the shit a woman can dish out."

If this is true, there is indeed an evolutionary basis for women seeking authority and boundaries from a strong, confident, and loving man.

God-given Basis

Judaism, Christianity, and Islam all are well-known for their male-dominated cultures. Indeed, male domination can be found many times in the Bible. After the fall of humanity in Genesis, Eve had just shown herself to be a confident and headstrong woman, while Adam had proved himself to be a meek follower (Genesis 3:6). Yet God gave them the opposite roles: he made Adam the head over the woman (Genesis 3:16). Whether you take this tale to be a literal account or a metaphor, it seems even the ancient Hebrews recognized a divine source of male leadership and a female longing for authority.

The New Testament says women are not to have authority over men (1 Timothy 2:12), wives are to submit to their husbands (1 Peter 3:1, Ephesians 5:22), and husbands are to love their wives and make them holier, improving them as people (Ephesians 5:23-27).

Given this, there is religious grounds for a matrimony in which the husband submits to God and the wife submits to God and to her husband.

Harmonious Marriage

Many women claim CDD creates a more peaceful, harmonious marriage. With no one fighting for the upper hand, there can be no power struggles. With no power struggles, more peace ensures. This does not mean the women are doormats who do not get a say; ideally, a husband will ask her advice, discuss with her, listen to her contributions, and they will decide together. However, when no agreement is possible, if both parties already agree that the man's decision is final, it can make difficult decisions much shorter and less painful.

Security

I myself am drawn to CDD because of the security it offers. I am fully capable of handling life, but at times I don't want to. With so many demands on my time and energy, I feel I can't relax and enjoy life the way God intended me to. What a relief when my partner says calmly, "I'll take care of that," and then does!

One woman on ChristianDomisticDiscipline.com says:

I am no longer in control, & I love that! I asked for it all to cease out of
fear; but knowing that, he pushes on. I am helpless & completely at his
mercy. Isn't it amazing that I have never felt more loved or cherished than I do
in this moment right now.

These are some of the common theories; choose the one you like or none at all. Below, I discuss some unintentional consequences of women craving the firm leadership of a strong, loving male.

Bratting
"Bratting" is when a woman purposefully misbehaves in order to receive a punishment. This is an example of the woman needlessly pushing or testing the man to make him react. Not only is it manipulative, but it's incredibly tempting! Many times I "brat" without even realizing I'm doing it. Whether I need attention or just reassurance that he is still my strong man I don't know. If he asked me if I were bratting, I'd honestly and with full astonishment insist, "No!"

The truth is, sometimes women want to test their boundaries to make sure they are still there, to make sure they are still safe within them. This is why some couples practice "maintenance spanking," which is a ritual spanking for no reason every week or month, so the woman knows her man is still holding strong and protecting her and can get a needed emotional release. Others will have "erotic spanking," which means they incorporate spanking for pleasure and fun. Or perhaps the man simply needs to step up and act more firm and confident that day, or perhaps ask her what her fears are and reassure her. One woman says:

I also find that when I get worried, or start to feel insecure about anything, I act up - which is his clue that I'm looking for a physical statement that he has everything under control.

Because bratting can become a real headache for both parties, always give a spanking to the recipient who requests it. No one requests pain for no reason; if your wife feels she needs a spanking, whether to keep her in line, make her feel secure and loved, give her a needed release and catharsis, or feel your strength, if she needs it, you supply it.

"Test the Man's Resolve Mode"

Mr. Fondman explains this far better than I ever could, building off his previously-mentioned Evolutionary Theory.

This in-built, instinctive "man testing" mechanism, (Lord forgive them for they know not what they do) is obviously an evolutionary advantage since women need a man who can defend her and her children against wild animals and the Hun. She does not want to find out that her man is weak when the Hun come over the horizon - the automatic test method has evolved to detect signs of weakness during ordinary life, when the Hun are likely to be far away and while she has time to seek out another man. (A successful quest leads to the most dangerous manoeuvre in a woman's life - buttering up the new man, without arousing aggression in the first and then leaving the first one for the second without getting killed in the process - but this is getting off topic.)

So she leaves the man who does not act decisively and falls in love with the biggest brute she can find, often dreaming that she can win his heart and make him tender and caring towards her, but remain a pushy bastard towards everyone else. Such a bloke, if he is truly the leading, action packed man she seeks, won't take any nonsense when she (instinctively and non-deliberately) taunts him. The right bloke will hit out - hopefully putting her over his knee and belabouring her backside in no uncertain fashion. The wrong bloke will think twice, will try to negotiate and appease. This is not the behaviour associated with real hunters and protectors - so the whingeing woman thing can be seen as an instinctively driven test (handed down and refined over tens of thousands of our ancestor's generations) to sort the men from the wimps at an early stage. A successful result is the man taking no time at all to quell the misbehaviour (hers or anyone else's) - with bluff or commanding instructions, backed up by physical force - or simply with physical force. An unsuccessful result is a man who backs down, who hopes it goes away - perhaps even a man who doesn't spank hard.

Note: "whingeing" is a British term for whining.

CDD: A Typical Punishment Session

If you've decided to try out Domestic Discipline (and please note that both of you must agree to this!), it may help to have an idea of what to expect during a typical punishment session.



Before It Turns Into a Fight: Don't let it escalate into a shouting match. Yes, you both need to be heard, but fighting and screaming won't help. If a fight is emminent, use your calm, authoritative voice to say, "Stop right here. You need to go _______ to calm down. Then we can talk." She will probably keep trying to fight, but be firm and refuse to fight. Eventually she will storm away and sulk. Once you are both calmer, let both of you air out your disagreements, making sure you both remain respectful (even if she is emotional, she can be respectful). Then calmly inform her of what behaviors you did not like and what her consequence will be.



If It Isn't a Fight: Sometimes she will misbehave without it turning into a fight. For example, perhaps you've both agreed she must not spend over $_____ or she must stop drinking coffee (don't have her sacrifice anything you don't do as well!). If she misbehaves, simply say, "You know what this means. Please go into the bedroom and wait for me there." If you like, have her set out the implements for you. I prefer my Dom/HoH to get the implements out instead, as it gives me a terrible fright waiting for him and watching him get ready.



Before You Punish: It is up to you if you want her to strip down or you want to do it for her as part of the punishment. I personally prefer when the HoH instructs me to strip down to my panties and kneel over the bed. I can lay there on the bed for as long as it takes him to enter, dreading what's coming and thinking about what I did. Then when he comes in, I wait patiently while he fastens soft cuffs around my wrists (do not tie up a woman who does not want to be tied! I request the cuffs because otherwise I find it impossible to stay still during the spanking) and he removes my panties for me.



This is a good time to discuss what she did wrong. Examples include: "Do you know why we're here? Bend over and present your bottom. What did you do wrong? Can you tell me why you're being punished? Can you think of any good reason you should not be spanked?" This gives you a chance to clearly state what transgression occurred, for her to accept responsibility, and for her to give you a real reason her punishment should be lesser or nonexistent--don't let her out for no reason, but make sure you ARE punishing her fairly before you start smacking.



During the Punishment: Watch carefully for the phases she goes through.

1. First she will try to hold out through the pain, because she is stubborn and strong!


2. Gradually she will begin to show signs of distress. Some women will cry, others will scream, others will thrash, and others will beg and plead. You must know your own wife here--if she cries easily, don't let her off at the first sign of tears! On the other hand, if she never cries, don't keep going just to make it happen.


3. Don't stop once you get her to tears or some other sign of acute pain. This is what a punishment is for. Keep going, without letting up or slowing down, and even hitting harder. She is going to start sobbing and screaming and pleading, but don't give up now.


4. She will eventually hit the peak of her emotional response, called "fight or flight." At this point she is absolutely crazy with pain and will do anything to get you to stop. You are getting her close to where you want her! Watch carefully for her unique "fight or flight" response.


5. Then she will start to submit. She may not be truly sorry yet, but she is in enough pain that she will physically and verbally submit to you, tell you she is sorry, and swear she's learned her lesson. This is up to you. Some women will mean it, but others will use their tears to fake it.


6. I've read that you should keep pounding away at her (as long as she isn't seriously injured!) "until her cries go past the point of sincerity and have a ring of desperation in them."


7. When you let her up, you will be able to tell if you've done your work. If she was faking it, she'll pop up all ticked off and refuse to talk to you. You haven't finished getting through to her in this case; bend her over again. A truly repentant woman will be sorrowful, clingy, remorseful, and emotional, probably clinging to you and sobbing apologies.

After the punishment: You can never forget aftercare. You must remember that this is for her good, because you love her, and not because you are mean or angry. This is a time when you must hold her, tuck her into bed, take care of her, murmur to her, rub aloe on her sore backside, and otherwise remind her how much you adore her and how you are not willing to see anybody--even herself--hurt her or put her in danger.

CDD: Introduction

CDD: Discipline and Punishment
CDD: A Typical Punishment Session
CDD: Why Women Want a Strong Man
CDD: The 3 Ds and Other Offenses
CDD: To Read More

CDD: Discipline and Punishment

In (Christian) Domestic Discipline--or (C)DD--how does the Head of Household (HOH) start maintaining discipline? It might seem difficult to boss around a grown, capable, mature, successful, intelligent woman whom you love deeply. Or, for some couples in DD, the wife is the authoritarian figure and she must discipline her wonderful husband.

The trick here is to remember that in CDD, punishing does not mean the giver is superior and the recipient is inferior. So often in our society the one doling out the punishment is superior in rank and age: a parent to a child, a sergeant to a private, or a principal to a student.

Yet this is not always so. In some cases, such as a husband to a wife or a boss to an employee, one person is in a position of authority but this does not necessarily make them smarter, better, older, or wiser. Many bosses have to give guidance, correction, and sometimes even discipline to their employees, but I think everyone at that job understands the superior is only in a position of authority because that makes the workplace run smoother--it does not mean the boss is a better person in any way.

The same is true in DD relationships.

Perhaps you are a HOH and your wife is older than you, or smarter, or makes more money, or is better educated, or more mature in some areas. Congratulations for marrying such a great gal! I have no doubt that in a marriage, each of you has different strengths and weaknesses. Perhaps she is a genuis at balancing the checkbook but you are great at maintaining the lawn and cars. Maybe you're a better singer but she is better at tennis. Either way, being in a position of authority does not mean you think she is lesser than you, but simply that you realize God has given you a responsibility to love and honor your wife (Ephesians 5:27-30) and you owe her that! She deserves a strong, loving, manly shoulder to lean on at the end of the day, and that is where you come in.

A good leader doesn't use his power to boss her around, question her about everywhere she goes and everyone she talks to, and insist on being right about everything. No, that is not a leader--that is a bully and an insecure shell of a man.

Rather, a good leader is one with the strength to guide her and support her, the humility to serve her and admit when he's wrong, and the confidence to let her make her own decisions. A good leader will recognize his wife's strengths and rely on those; he will likewise be aware of her weaknesses and help her to improve and grow.

There is a difference between discipline and punishment. Discipline is to correct a bad behavior, such as swearing or smoking, while punishment is simply a consequence of that behavior, even if she is already sorry and willing to stop. It is up to you to decide when discipline and punishment are called for and what the consequences will be.

Here is what good discipline and punishment are not:

• micromanaging and controlling her life, decisions, and finances
• an excuse to vent your anger
• a reason to never admit you're wrong or admit her strengths
• too harsh
• too lenient
• threats without following through (NEVER threaten! She gets one calm warning and then you act.)
• done in anger or wrath
• gone in a wishy-washy way or every so often, when you are in the mood

Here is what good discipline and punishment are:

• guiding her to a fuller, happier, healthier life
• providing healthy boundaries for her and consequences when she oversteps them
• fitting the crime
• as immediate as possible (it loses its effectivity if you wait)
• followed through consistently, every time, without fail
• done calmly, without anger, and thoroughly
• given with a clear reason for why she is receiving this, with lots of communication before and after
• given in a calm, authoritative voice

Your wife is an intelligent, grown woman: she knows when the punishment fits the crime. If you dole out too much because you are angry or insecure, she knows--and loses respect for you. If you make it too light because you are being nice--she knows, and loses respect for you. If you lose control of your temper--she knows, and loses respect for you. If you do something that is not for her own good but for yours--she knows, and loses respect for you. If you tell her she's getting a spanking and then let her off the hook for good behavior--she knows, and loses respect for you.

So, once you have an idea of when to punish, how and where do you go about it?

Where: The "where" is easy. It should be at home, somewhere private, away from the children and other family members. There should be no distractions like music, tv, or phone. No one else should know about this private part of your lives. It is best to pick a "place" for a punishment that is the same every time--for example, a particular corner where she always stands, or always having her kneeling over the same part of the bed. This will make the punishment stand out in her mind and hit home.

How: There are three main components of how to do an effective punishment: Authoritative Voice, Implements, and Types of Punishments.

Authoritative Voice

The voice you use is probably more important than the punishment you give. You should speak in lower tones than normal. Your voice should be calm, controlled, yet strong and commanding. You shouldn't sound enraged or choked up with emotion, although some slight annoyance is okay. It is best if you speak slowly, clearly, and sternly, using a deep voice that brokes no argument.

Implements

Spanking with the hand is common, but I'm not a huge fan--it doesn't hurt much, feels annoying, and is impossible to hit both cheeks evenly. While you may want to warm her up with 15-20 hand strokes (or 50-60, if you're going to be spanking very hard!!!) before using another implement.

Also try using different implements during the punishment. This keeps your hand from getting tired, gives her skin a rest, and protects her from serious injury. It also causes new and different types of pain. You may also want to make her do "corner time" or lie still between different sessions of a spanking, if you are going to be meting out a harsh punishment. This gives both of you time to rest, her time to reflect on what she did, you time to calmly tell her what she did wrong and how she will behave in the future, and her body to recuperate from a severe beating. (For example, if you're doing 50 strokes, that might be okay in 1 setting, but if you're doing 200 you need to break it up into segments of 50 or 30.)

Here is a list of implements you might try:

• your hand: put her Over The Knee (OTK) and warm her up on both cheeks evenly; this provides more body contact between you.
• wooden paddle: when this is a punishment, less body contact may be desirable. Spank both cheeks evenly, and don't let up or pause if it's a punishment. This will smart and bruise.
• leather belt: to get a better aim and more swinging room, have her lie flat on her tummy on the bed and place some pillows under her buttocks to give you a clear target.
• clean fly swatter: useful for multiple hard, fast stings (you can do several per second!) that sting badly but don't do much internal bruising. Make sure you get both cheeks evenly when using smaller implements like this.
• leather strap: much like the belt; you probably won't have this lying around and will have to buy one.
• leather slapper: this will sting terribly and bring screams or tears. This will leaves marks the next day, but not go deep enough into the tissue to bruise.
• hairbrush: very painful and good for rapid strokes, but with all small implements be sure to get both sides evenly.
• wooden spoon: same as the hairbrush. Clean before cooking with it again. :)
• plastic spatula: see above two.

Types of Punishments

Spanking is definitely not the only type of punishment used in CDD. Here are a few more ideas. The best idea might be to ask your wife, because she can tell you what works for her and what does not work for her. Remember, you aren't trying to tick her off or make her feel unloved, but to lovingly correct a behavior. Only she can tell you what pushes her buttons. Some women with past issues may have a hard time being spanked with certain implements, or held down a certain way, or punished while you're angry, and you should respect this.

• corner time
• writing lines
• writing a letter accepting responsibility and of apology
• extra chores
• loss of priveleges
• serving you somehow

These can be used before or after spankings, or in between if you are doing a multi-session spanking. These can also be used alone for minor infractions. However, some women prefer the spanking, and this should be respected---never say no to a woman who requests a spanking, for this will avoid her purposefully misbehaving just to get it later.

CDD: Introduction
CDD: Discipline and Punishment
CDD: A Typical Punishment Session
CDD: Why Women Want a Strong Man
CDD: The 3 Ds and Other Offenses
CDD: To Read More

The Christian Debate: Is BDSM Okay?

While browsing the internet, I found sites both advocating and decrying BDSM in a Christian context. While most BDSMers are not Christian, many still are (in one internet survey I took, over a fifth of respondents were Christian. 246 BDSMers responded and 55 identify as Christians, whether evangelical, Protestant, or Catholic).

Some Christians can't imagine being into BDSM--isn't it sinful? Don't people beat each other, have wild orgies, and watch porn?

Likewise, some BDSMers can't imagine Christians being into kink. I had one man tell me BDSM was "blatantly" against the rules of Christianity; he laughingly asked me to give a presentation on the kink lifestyle to my congregation and let him know how it was received. And I have to admit, he had a point.

Despite errors in thinking on both sides, Christian BDSMers do exist. But there is an online debate over the morality of this, even if the debate has not yet seeped into our churches and congregations.

Here I must put a declaimer. Obviously, I am a Christian and a BDSMer, and as my blog suggests, I find no moral problem in my BDSM lifestyle as it submits to my Christian lifestyle. Sure, being Christian might mean I stay away from polygamy, pornography, and same-sex experiences, but those only comprise a small portion of the wonderful array of activities available in kink. So please be aware that I am a biased reporter. Nevertheless, I believe we can always afford to have our knowledge expanded and our beliefs challenged, so here I will summarize for you the main sides of the "Christian and Kinky?" debate.

Against Christian BDSM

The main website I found against BDSM for Christ's followers is Porn Free. Below is a sample of what this website claims:

1. BDSM degrades and dishonors God's temple: Our bodies are made in God's image and are intended to be vessels of worship (Romans 12:1-2; 1 Corinthians 6:12-20). When we mistreat someone's body, or allow our bodies to be mistreated, we degrade them and dishonor God. This is basically mocking the dignity of God's image. This dovetails with Satan's objectives of marring, abusing or destroying our bodies such that they cease to glorify God.
2. BDSM perverts sexual pleasure by mixing it with pain: Pleasure and pain are opposites, but BDSM attempts to bring them together for sexual gratification. Pain is a byproduct of sin (Genesis 3:16-17; Genesis 6:6) and was not intended to be part of creation. It will be eventually removed from creation by Jesus at the end of the age (Revelation 21:4).
God designed us to enjoy many different pleasures, including sex, food, work, art, music and sports. Our fallen nature tends to combine sinful acts with our outlets of pleasure. God does not take pleasure in evil - nor should we as his followers. David wrote, "You are not a God who takes pleasure in evil; with you the wicked cannot dwell." (Psalm 5:4 NIV) Consider what Solomon wrote: "A fool finds pleasure in evil conduct, but a man of understanding delights in wisdom" (Proverbs 10:23 NIV)
3. BDSM stifles the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives: When you consider the definitions of the words involved with BDSM and its associated acts, it's apparent that they are not based on love. Rather, they are based on malice, hate, cruelty, lust, selfishness, control, and domination. These attitudes are part of our sinful nature (Mark 7:21-23) and are directly opposed to the attitudes or "fruits" of the Holy Spirit. The fruits of the Holy Spirit are "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control" (Galatians 5:22-23 NIV).

For more information on this site's arguments, please visit it here.

Hugo Swyzer, a Christian, feminist, and male blogger, expresses doubt at the ideas of BDSM for Christians. This man calls himself an "egalitarian," meaning he does not believe the man leads the wife, but that they should be exactly equal (how does he explain Ephesians 5?). It is this lack of equality that troubles him about BDSM. He says:

Regardless of who is assuming the dominant role, BDSM celebrates the erotics of asymmetrical power. Even if that asymmetry only applies in the bedroom (and not, say, in the divvying up of household chores), isn’t it at odds with the egalitarian worldview? If God intended spouses to practice “radical domestic democracy” (which is how I like to describe the egalitarian outlook), shouldn’t how we make love be congruent with how we live out every other aspect of our marriage? If we are committed to equality in decision-making and chore-sharing, shouldn’t our physical delight in each other also be egalitarian rather than hierarchical?

This is a valid concern, but many Christians believe the Bible emphasizes male-dominated marriages. Even so, today's couples have managed to leave Christian wives room to exercise their intelligence, experience, thoughts, and suggestions in a loving marriage. And I must ask, is it possible to be even in all things? If you do the dishes so I can bathe the kids, isn't that a little unequal? Life can be unequal and still be just.

Swyzer also adds:

We live in a world where men and women are taught to delight in the abuse of power. We live in a world where rape and abuse are so common that they have affected how many of us think about sexuality. We know that what “turns people on” is a consequence of both biological and cultural influence; too often, the culture sends out a message that tells both men and women to eroticize domination, degradation, abuse. So even if a couple practicing BDSM is doing so with great care, even if each partner in the relationship feels valued and loved, if they delight in radical inequality in their sexual life they may be bringing the brokenness of the outside world into their intimate private sphere.

There are also many non-Christians who dislike the idea of Christian BDSM. "The Blog Blog" contributor Wiseblood says, "Leave it to the Bible thumpers to pervert perversion." Referring to the Christian view, wildly unpopular with secularists, that wives should submit to husbands (Ephesians 5:22), he says:

Misogyny impacts nearly every aspect of the Christian life and the bedroom is no exception.

Slog News and Arts makes fun of the same ideas in the blog post, "Praise the Lord and Pass the Deluxe Adjustable Nipple Clamps" (I say, bonus points for the witty post title!). The blog really gives no reason biblically why Christians shouldn't partake of BDSM, just makes fun of the idea that Christians would try to apply their out-dated sexist and puritanical views to kink. I did, however, enjoy this line:

There’s no porn—heaven forbid!—at ChristiansandBDSM.com. But anyone that’s ever asked himself “WWJD with these tit clamps?” can find Godly direction and spiritual uplift clicking here.

Sarcastic? Yes. But you have to admit it's funny.

For Christian BDSM

The main reasons to support BDSM are as follows:

1. The Bible does not specifically forbid it.
2. Within a monogamous marriage bed, any sexual activity agreed upon and enjoyed by both parties is permissible.
3. The Bible gives us clear guidelines about sexual activities we are not to engage in (homosexuality, bestiality, incest, premarital sex, adultery, withholding sex from our spouse, fantasizing), yet never mentions anything about pain or power play. All these sexual taboos seem aimed at keeping sex confined to a heterosexual marriage; within that marriage, one presumes BDSM is acceptable.
4. The Bible encourages discipline, including physical discipline. Issues of slavery, bondage, submission, dominance, and power exchange are very biblical.
5. A man is given authority over his wife (Ephesians 5:22-24).
6. Christian history is rife with examples of torture and physical pain. Look at self-flagellating monks, stigmata, and physical penance. For that matter, look at the torture and beating of Jesus and the Crucifixion itself!
7. The Bible abounds with examples of submission and dominance: Jesus submitted to His Father, the Church submits to the Son (Ephesians 5:24), Sarah submitted to Abraham (1 Peter 3:6), wives are to submit to husbands (1 Peter 3:1), adults are to submit to governing authorities (Romans 13:1). BDSM is just one more earthly symbol of the submission of Christ's Church to Himself.

For more information on BDSM within the context of Christ-centered marriage, please see the following links:

Christian BDSM

Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD)

Christian BDSM FAQ

BDSM Is the Sign of a Sick Society

Is a Submissive Just a Doormat?

A lot of people hear the words "BDSM" and immediately think it's a fancy name for an abusive relationship. They figure the man must just want an excuse to have everything he wants, while the woman probably spends her time cringing in fear and serving him. In other words, the sub is the Dom's doormat.

How is a sub different from a doormat?

I believe the two are very different. A submissive differs from an abused person or a doormat in many ways. These include choice, control, work, limits, and safety.

1. Choice. For one, a submissive is there by choice; an abused woman (or man) is not. BDSM may look like emotional or physical abuse, but the difference is that BDSM is consenual and abuse is never consensual. The sub and Dom decide together how much, when, and what kinds of emotional and physical pain they would like to experiment with; an abused person has no such control.
2. Control. A sub has control over her own mind, body, and soul. If she voluntarily chooses to give that control to the Dom, that is in her control, too. A sub can use safewords, soft limits, and hard limits to make sure BDSM never goes beyond what she is comfortable with. A good Dom respects and upholds this. A doormat has no control, because others take it from her; a sub has much control and she chooses to share it.
3. Work. Being a doormat does not take any work, but a BDSM power dynamic does! The Dom has to work hard to protect the sub, to give the sub what she needs while getting what he needs, and to keep the play safe, sane, and consensual. The sub has to work at communicating her wants and needs to the Dom, choosing to be obedient even when it's hard, and having her limits uncomfortably pushed so she can grow. Both roles take lots of inner strength!
4. Limits. A doormat is someone who just takes whatever other people dish out; a sub has limits. A sub has a safeword (or safe action, if she is gagged) that means the Dom will stop immediately if she uses it. A sub also has soft limits (things she does not really want to try but is open to) and hard limits (things she absolutely will not try) that the Dom is morally bound to respect. Safe words and limits ensure a sub has control over how much she can take.
5. Safety. A doormat is basically a person who accepts physical and emotional abuse, but a good sub will never give her control to anyone but a Dom she loves and trusts absolutely. This makes sure she is safe--spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally--during play. Both the Dom and the sub are worried about the sub's safety in BDSM, whereas people abusing a doormat are not.

Spanking Games

For those of you who think spanking is hot (I'm a new convert!), here are a few fun spanking games you might want to try:

• Jacob's Ladder: Lay your partner in your favorite position and have him pick a number between 1 and 50. That is his "ladder." Give him that number of swats; 1 is the softest, 2 a little harder, 3 a little harder, and so on up the ladder.
• One by One: This game gives the spankee more control. Assume the position, and have the spankee call out numbers one by one. She starts out with "One!" and you hit her softly. "Two!" and you hit her a tiny bit harder. When you hit a number she likes, she can keep calling it out ("Eleven! Eleven! Eleven!" until she is ready to move up to the next number. This way, she controls how hard you spank and how ready she is to move up a number.
• Strip Poker: Just like regular strip poker, only now if you lose once you are already naked, you get pulled across a lap and spanked with your least favorite toy!
• Guess the Implement: In this one, the spankee is blindfolded or face down, unable to see. The spanker hits him with different implements (there are some ideas here) and the spankee has to guess what he is being hit with. If he gets it right, he moves on to the next toy; the goal is to get through all the implements with only one spank from each. Of course, if he gets it wrong, the spanker gets to hit him again with the toy, only harder, until he can guess! Creativity in finding implements is a must here.
• Spanking Cards: All you need is a deck of ordinary cards. Assign each of the four suits a spanking implement (e.g.: belt, paddle, hairbrush, and flogger) and have your partner pick a card. The suit tells what you spank with, and the number tells how many spanks you get (2 = 2, Ace = 13). Then switch!
• Double or Nothing: This is a game of endurance. The top spanks the bottom as hard as he can. If the bottom can't take it any more, she calls "Quit!" and loses. However, if she does not call "Quit," but the Top eventually gives up and stops, she gets to give him double the amount of spanks she received as hard as she wants. This makes an interesting choice for a Top: you cannot give more spanks than you are willing to receive double of!
• Dice: Have your bottom roll the die to see how many spanks he will receive.
• Hide and Seek: Adults are never too old to play Hide and Seek! I think this game will be better if you make it Hide and Seek in the Dark. Either way, pick a home base and have one person count out loud. Then, the person who's "it" has to find the hider, while the hider sneaks back to home base. If you get found, you get 10 spanks! If you make it to home base safely, you win--no spanks!
• Roleplaying Games: Games don't have to have a winner and a loser! Pick a hot role and act it out. Are you the mean Mommy spanking her little boy? A teacher paddling an unruly student? A policeman punishing a very fast driver? A boss pulling your secretary over her desk and flogging her for slow work? An angry librarian swatting a customer with books she brought in late? Perhaps an interrogator torturing a subject? The possibilities are endless!

*Note: as always, safewords mean an end to the game, no questions asked. Don't play more than one round of these games in one day.

Changes in Female Ejaculation

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The First Time She Cried

Today, I am writing about the first time I made my sub cry, how I got her to do so, and what it felt like. The scene was one that I had thought long and hard on how to be unpredictable. My goal was to not only hurt her, but also make her feel my behavior couldn't be trusted. I apparently fulfilled my goal, because later on she explained she was honestly scared. I was sure to switch out avenues of pain often, because I didn't want her to get too bored. For a short time it was fingering with too many fingers or paddling or whipping. I was also sure to leave the room for short periods of time. I talked to her along the way to reassure her I wasn't leaving to go get an ice cream or anything rash.

After a good amount of abuse I could tell her limits were being pushed, in a good way. I had her against the wall, naked, and each time I would whip her, her back would arch. I got tired of it and decide the next time that happened I would slap her repeatedly. Well, both of these things happened. I was after the slapping that she started to cry. I thought there would just be a tear or two, because she's usually stubborn. However, I turned her around shortly thereafter and saw her cheeks wet. I knew then that I was turned on, happy, and fully sadistic. Although, I would never, never endanger her safety, the scene was made sexy by her crying. I don't know how to explain this, other than to give an account of it.

It was after this, I knew I had to start winding her down and ready for aftercare. I was progressively less mean and nasty. In my heart, I knew I had completed my goal. Making your sub cry could give you a rush, turn you on, make you feel truly sadistic for not caring, and set you up for topdrop as well. That's my take, what's yours?

Survey on Religion and Spirituality in BDSM

Because religion fascinates me (my minor was religious studies) and I love to study sex, it made sense to study the two together.



I do have a master's degree and do know the basics of surveys, reporting results, and analyzing data (I had to use it for my thesis, but that is another long, painful story). I am not, however, a psychologist or doctor so these results should be taken just for fun!



My deepest thanks goes to the 246 of you who completed my survey. I especially thank those of you who made [polite, constructive, or helpful] comments. To those of you who can't type anything nice.... "don't type anything at all"! :) I also extend my apologies for the lateness in responding. While my goal was 2 weeks, it turned into more like 6 or 8. First, I waited because so many results were still coming in. Then my job in France had a break and I took my first trip home to the States in 5 months. Needless to say, BDSM surveys weren't high up on my list during those weeks!



But now I am home again (to France, anyway) and ready to share your results. Thanks again for contributing!
1. What is your identified gender? This question changed somewhat, as my original wording confused some people (some of you thought it was "too P.C." and some of you thought it wasn't P.C. enough!). Either way, I changed it early on per some good suggestions for better wording. In the end, 131 people (53%) responded female, 103 responded male (42%), and 12 responded other (5%). Among the others, responses included: 2 MtF (Male to Female), 1 irrelevant, 2 gender fluid, 1 sissy, 1 none, 1 FtM Intersexual/male of center, 1 FtM, 1 Transgender, and 1 "just other."
2. What is your age? Here, only 4 people (2%) were under 18 and 0 over 65. Fifty percent were 40-65, 32% 26-39, and 17% 18-25.
3. What is the highest level of education you have achieved? Thirty-seven percent have finished some college, 27% a 4-year college degree, 14% a Master's, 4% a Doctorate, 7% high school/GED, 7% a 2-year college program, and 1% some high school. Three percent answered "other."

4. What religion was your family while growing up? Most (69%) of the respondents were raised Christian (33% Protestant, 27% Catholic, and 7% evangelical). Twelve percent were nonreligious, 7% other, 5% Jewish, 4% agnostic, and 1% Muslim, Pagan, Hindu, or atheist.

5. What religion are you now? The respondents seem to follow the trends of the larger population, with all denominations of Christians and Jews losing members, Paganism, atheism, agnosticism, Eastern religions, and "other" gaining adherents. The largest group of respondents now identify as "other" (27%) or pagan (17%).

6. How would you describe your religious activity? Most respondents were not active (38%), although answers varied greatly. Eighteen percent are active more than once a week, 8% once a week, 12% a few times a month, 18% a few times a year, and 6% "other". Many of the "others" were because their religious beliefs imply more a way of thinking and living, not events to attend.

7. How religious would you consider yourself? Thirty-four percent responded "not at all", and 7% responded "very." The graph below shows the breakdown of responses in between.

8. How spiritual would you describe yourself? Here the results showed more or less of an inversion of self-described religiosity, with 41% considering themselves "very spiritual" and increasingly fewer people describing themselves as less spiritual. In general, the BDSM community (perhaps mirroring the population at large) considers itself more spiritual than religious.

9. How much do your religious beliefs affect what you will or will not do in BDSM? Unfortunately, as many respondents indicated, this question is geared toward religious beliefs, without a clear distinction between religiousity and spirituality. I believe this will skew the results. But as for the actual question, whether religious beliefs affect BDSM activities, most people (55%) said "not at all." Only 8% said "very much."

10. How much do your religious beliefs affect your decisions in everyday life? While BDSM activities may not be much affected by religious beliefs, everyday activities and decisions are. The answers are fairly evenly divided across the spectrum in this case.

Limits of the study:

This study did not allow for a difference in religion and spirituality, which there definitely is. It also cannot allow for different individual notions of what is religion; what is spirituality, and what is BDSM? That each person has his or her own idea of these three concepts makes the survey necessarily subjective. Also, this study only allows for one response (due to its multiple-choice nature) from respondents. Some people practice a mix of faiths or religions, while others engage in an eclectic mix of spirituality. For some the two are inseparable, and for others they are not. Also, just because an individual considers herself "Catholic" does not mean she agrees with everything the Catholic Church teaches.

Some Final Words

It is interesting to survey the results for what they are. The latest research indicates Americans, and the world in general, is becoming "less religious," the BDSM community, like their vanilla counterparts, reflect that. Twenty-eight percent of Americans leave the religion they were raised in, and 1.6% considered themselves atheist in 2008. A higher proportion of BDSM members (9%) considered themselves athesists, but the numbers are still small. Sixteen percent of Americans, and 26% of BDSMers in the survey (not all of whom are American or even from Western societies!--but many were so I'm using Americans as a not-without-faults control group) identify as nonreligious, atheist, or agnostic. 2.4% of Americans are agnostic, and 6% of BDSMers responded accordingly. While there are differences, these could be accounted for in difference of sampling populations, differing survey methods, or random chance. Of course, they could also be significant--only a statistical program would tell me that!

In America, 75% of adults are Christian; among BDSMers, 69% were raised Christian and 23% remained so as adults, indicating much lower numbers of Christians than in the general population. Sixty-three percent of moderate Protestants in my study left their childhood religion; 50% of evangelicals, 42% of Jews, and 78% of Catholics left as adults. This reflects the general population, where Catholic groups lose more adherents than any other religions.

Compared to the general population, fewer Protestants identify as evangelical. It is perhaps not surprising that those groups seen as more conservative (Christians and Jews in general, and evangelical and Catholic Christians in particular) are less represented in a so-called "alternative lifestyle" like BDSM than in the population at large; however, there are BDSMers from all these groups!

The converse is also true. In 2008, an estimated 0.4% of Americans were pagan (including Wiccan and New Age). Fully 17% of BDSMers were pagan in my study, indicating higher numbers of pagan BDSMers than in the rest of the population. Not being pagan, I have no idea why this may be, but I find it highly interesting and invite any Wiccans or pagans to leave a comment with their best theory or explanation.

In short, the BDSMers who took my survey represented a wide variety of religious and spiritual beliefs. There are people in the community who are atheists, people who aren't sure, people who are Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, Catholic, Baptist, nothing, many things, and still searching. I find it fascinating that so many people from all walks of life have found something in BDSM worth staying for.

Thanks for your attention.

To see where I got more information, click here (2008 religion study) And here (2008 religion study). And here (2001 religion study). And here (Summary of many religion studies).

Comments are welcome. However, I ask that if you can't phrase your criticism constructively that you refrain from commenting. Negativity has no purpose if it can't help the recipient improve. Thanks! :)