3/23/2009

CDD: Discipline and Punishment

In (Christian) Domestic Discipline--or (C)DD--how does the Head of Household (HOH) start maintaining discipline? It might seem difficult to boss around a grown, capable, mature, successful, intelligent woman whom you love deeply. Or, for some couples in DD, the wife is the authoritarian figure and she must discipline her wonderful husband.

The trick here is to remember that in CDD, punishing does not mean the giver is superior and the recipient is inferior. So often in our society the one doling out the punishment is superior in rank and age: a parent to a child, a sergeant to a private, or a principal to a student.

Yet this is not always so. In some cases, such as a husband to a wife or a boss to an employee, one person is in a position of authority but this does not necessarily make them smarter, better, older, or wiser. Many bosses have to give guidance, correction, and sometimes even discipline to their employees, but I think everyone at that job understands the superior is only in a position of authority because that makes the workplace run smoother--it does not mean the boss is a better person in any way.

The same is true in DD relationships.

Perhaps you are a HOH and your wife is older than you, or smarter, or makes more money, or is better educated, or more mature in some areas. Congratulations for marrying such a great gal! I have no doubt that in a marriage, each of you has different strengths and weaknesses. Perhaps she is a genuis at balancing the checkbook but you are great at maintaining the lawn and cars. Maybe you're a better singer but she is better at tennis. Either way, being in a position of authority does not mean you think she is lesser than you, but simply that you realize God has given you a responsibility to love and honor your wife (Ephesians 5:27-30) and you owe her that! She deserves a strong, loving, manly shoulder to lean on at the end of the day, and that is where you come in.

A good leader doesn't use his power to boss her around, question her about everywhere she goes and everyone she talks to, and insist on being right about everything. No, that is not a leader--that is a bully and an insecure shell of a man.

Rather, a good leader is one with the strength to guide her and support her, the humility to serve her and admit when he's wrong, and the confidence to let her make her own decisions. A good leader will recognize his wife's strengths and rely on those; he will likewise be aware of her weaknesses and help her to improve and grow.

There is a difference between discipline and punishment. Discipline is to correct a bad behavior, such as swearing or smoking, while punishment is simply a consequence of that behavior, even if she is already sorry and willing to stop. It is up to you to decide when discipline and punishment are called for and what the consequences will be.

Here is what good discipline and punishment are not:
  • micromanaging and controlling her life, decisions, and finances
  • an excuse to vent your anger
  • a reason to never admit you're wrong or admit her strengths
  • too harsh
  • too lenient
  • threats without following through (NEVER threaten! She gets one calm warning and then you act.)
  • done in anger or wrath
  • gone in a wishy-washy way or every so often, when you are in the mood

Here is what good discipline and punishment are:

  • guiding her to a fuller, happier, healthier life
  • providing healthy boundaries for her and consequences when she oversteps them
  • fitting the crime
  • as immediate as possible (it loses its effectivity if you wait)
  • followed through consistently, every time, without fail
  • done calmly, without anger, and thoroughly
  • given with a clear reason for why she is receiving this, with lots of communication before and after
  • given in a calm, authoritative voice

Your wife is an intelligent, grown woman: she knows when the punishment fits the crime. If you dole out too much because you are angry or insecure, she knows--and loses respect for you. If you make it too light because you are being nice--she knows, and loses respect for you. If you lose control of your temper--she knows, and loses respect for you. If you do something that is not for her own good but for yours--she knows, and loses respect for you. If you tell her she's getting a spanking and then let her off the hook for good behavior--she knows, and loses respect for you.

So, once you have an idea of when to punish, how and where do you go about it?

Where: The "where" is easy. It should be at home, somewhere private, away from the children and other family members. There should be no distractions like music, tv, or phone. No one else should know about this private part of your lives. It is best to pick a "place" for a punishment that is the same every time--for example, a particular corner where she always stands, or always having her kneeling over the same part of the bed. This will make the punishment stand out in her mind and hit home.

How: There are three main components of how to do an effective punishment: Authoritative Voice, Implements, and Types of Punishments.

Authoritative Voice

The voice you use is probably more important than the punishment you give. You should speak in lower tones than normal. Your voice should be calm, controlled, yet strong and commanding. You shouldn't sound enraged or choked up with emotion, although some slight annoyance is okay. It is best if you speak slowly, clearly, and sternly, using a deep voice that brokes no argument.

Implements

Spanking with the hand is common, but I'm not a huge fan--it doesn't hurt much, feels annoying, and is impossible to hit both cheeks evenly. While you may want to warm her up with 15-20 hand strokes (or 50-60, if you're going to be spanking very hard!!!) before using another implement.

Also try using different implements during the punishment. This keeps your hand from getting tired, gives her skin a rest, and protects her from serious injury. It also causes new and different types of pain. You may also want to make her do "corner time" or lie still between different sessions of a spanking, if you are going to be meting out a harsh punishment. This gives both of you time to rest, her time to reflect on what she did, you time to calmly tell her what she did wrong and how she will behave in the future, and her body to recuperate from a severe beating. (For example, if you're doing 50 strokes, that might be okay in 1 setting, but if you're doing 200 you need to break it up into segments of 50 or 30.)

Here is a list of implements you might try:

  • your hand: put her Over The Knee (OTK) and warm her up on both cheeks evenly; this provides more body contact between you.
  • wooden paddle: when this is a punishment, less body contact may be desirable. Spank both cheeks evenly, and don't let up or pause if it's a punishment. This will smart and bruise.
  • leather belt: to get a better aim and more swinging room, have her lie flat on her tummy on the bed and place some pillows under her buttocks to give you a clear target.
  • clean fly swatter: useful for multiple hard, fast stings (you can do several per second!) that sting badly but don't do much internal bruising. Make sure you get both cheeks evenly when using smaller implements like this.
  • leather strap: much like the belt; you probably won't have this lying around and will have to buy one.
  • leather slapper: this will sting terribly and bring screams or tears. This will leaves marks the next day, but not go deep enough into the tissue to bruise.
  • hairbrush: very painful and good for rapid strokes, but with all small implements be sure to get both sides evenly.
  • wooden spoon: same as the hairbrush. Clean before cooking with it again. :)
  • plastic spatula: see above two.

Types of Punishments

Spanking is definitely not the only type of punishment used in CDD. Here are a few more ideas. The best idea might be to ask your wife, because she can tell you what works for her and what does not work for her. Remember, you aren't trying to tick her off or make her feel unloved, but to lovingly correct a behavior. Only she can tell you what pushes her buttons. Some women with past issues may have a hard time being spanked with certain implements, or held down a certain way, or punished while you're angry, and you should respect this.
  • corner time
  • writing lines
  • writing a letter accepting responsibility and of apology
  • extra chores
  • loss of priveleges
  • serving you somehow

These can be used before or after spankings, or in between if you are doing a multi-session spanking. These can also be used alone for minor infractions. However, some women prefer the spanking, and this should be respected---never say no to a woman who requests a spanking, for this will avoid her purposefully misbehaving just to get it later.

CDD: Introduction
CDD: Discipline and Punishment
CDD: A Typical Punishment Session
CDD: Why Women Want a Strong Man
CDD: The 3 Ds and Other Offenses
CDD: To Read More

1 comment:

Blondie said...

Mmm very good advice. Troupble is that my wife hates spanking and is not aroused by it. I am the one who is aroused by being spanked but it can hardly be punishment if I am the HOH.

She always tries to be submissive to me out of conscience. That seems to be powerful enough, especially as we try to build each other up spiritually.

If she did love spanking I would be very very happy to oblige but as it is it is the other way around.