This week, my Dom and I have decided to try CDD (Christian Domestic Discipline). I was very nervous about this since I adore the theory of it and find CDD to be very sexy to read about and contemplate, but whenever we've tried it I've always flipped out and backed out.
If you're not sure what Christian Domestic Discipline is, check out my blog series on it.
Anyway, we agreed to try CDD. I have slowly begun to trust my Dom to lead me more, both as a man, a dom, and especially as a Christian. I still wasn't sure I wanted to give up total control, but in the end it seemed safe enough to do--for a few days, at least.
This will be the third time we've tried this. The first time, when I was still in France, I was so terribly turned on by all the reading I'd done about CDD that I couldn't wait to try it. (I even made an emergency trip to a European sex shop for the occasion!) We talked it out and discussed CDD in depth. My Dom and I even made a list of our expectations, rules for me and responsibilities for him, plus very specific instructions for what punishments I could expect. We mutually agreed upon in and were about to start incorporating CDD into our lives... when I flipped out. I panicked--utterly panicked. I started to hyperventilate and protest that he wasn't enough of a leader, I was an adult woman, he had no right to control me, etc, etc, etc. We abandoned the effort before it began.
The same thing happened the second time.
My Dom wisely waited it out without pressuring me, knowing I'd been the one attracted to it in the first place and I'd probably come back again.
Finally, last night, we decided to try it. I was still very nervous and gun-shy, so I insisted we only do it for three days. He agreed, and our trial period is going on now.
So far, it's gone well. Our lives haven't changed much, really. But now when I do something disrespectful or mean, I get a spanking at the end of the night. I've found it to not be too bad... in fact it's quite pleasant! For one, I have accountability. For another, my Dom is actually being consistent this time around, something he didn't do as much before, and I feel safe and secure inside my new boundaries (this is paramount for a sub feeling safe to submit). And finally, the spanking is pretty darn sexy.
I can handle it because my Dom isn't spanking me when he's angry or to get back at me, which is how it appeared to me before (when I bailed). He is sure to stay very calm and loving as he tells me what my punishment is. Even though I pout, I feel safe that he has noticed and is keeping me within my boundaries; his consistency reassures me. And I feel tight inside as he describes to me how he's going to spank me and why I'm being punished. I feel loved and sexy as he gently lays me over his lap, embarrassed and turned on as he lowers my pajama bottoms to uncover my behind as though I'm a little child. It still feels fair since he asks me what I've done wrong and if I have any rebuttals about the fairness of the punishment---I can complain if I feel I'm being treated unfairly somehow. I feel small as I'm spanked, and afterward I pout and enjoy feeling small and powerless and he holds me and rubs my aching bum. In the end, we feel closer, I feel small and submissive, we both feel turned on, and I feel safe and loved. We both win.
This is going on for one more day, so we'll see how our "CDD trial run" goes!
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