Dynamic Needs in D/s

My husband and I were having another one of our ever-occuring talks about our needs.

These talks are important to me because as time goes by, I get a more defined idea of what my needs are. What do they look like? What do I want? What are my desires? They change slowly, but they do change, so these talks are important for us to remain on the same page and keep our lines of communication open.

We discussed how he's been more commanding and bossy lately. He likes it because he enjoys being in charge and not having to argue with me over every tiny detail. I like it. (pause.) Most of the time. He says I'm starting to follow commands more without even noticing it, skipping the "rebellious phase" without even noticing.

My Dom's leadership style is more of a persuasive, chip-away-at-it. It's not what I naturally prefer. It kind of exhausts me. I'd much prefer him to give me a direct command, and if I have a problem with it, I'll say, "No!" and we can just fight it out right there. That way everything is out on the table, we deal with conflict openly, and there is a clear winner and a clear loser.

For him, this is just needless conflict. Why fight with me when he can just wait patiently and probably either wait my stubborness out or persuade me to see things his way?

I get where he's coming from, but it exhausts me. When I finally give in, I'm never sure if it's because he persuaded me or I just decided to give up and give in. Usually I'm not even aware of whatever he's been doing and I assume he has just been ignoring my disobedience and letting bad behavior slide. Eventually I just give up trying to get a reaction out of him and do whatever it was, feeling exhausted and a little resentful. When I do give in, I feel it's more me being the bigger person and less him being the Dom.

We talked about it in the car. He said his leadership style is simply more persuasive and patient than in-your-face. I said it's hard for me to know if he's ignoring bad behavior because he's passive or because he's just waiting me out. Of course, I tend to assume the worse of the two situations, and then I start thinking along the lines of, He's not dominating me! He's not even noticing me! It's not domination if it only occurs when I feel like submitting!

It's not that I like conflict. But I'd rather deal with it quickly and have a big fight that is over in 30 minutes and has a clearly defined winner and loser, than engage in a long, drawn-out battle of the wills when I'm not even sure he's noticed that I'm disobeying in the first place.

Back to our talk on "needs."

"You like to get your way," I said. "Your need is for me to do what you want."

"Right."

"I like to be made to do something," I said. "I want to know that you have power over me and are stronger than me. My need is to be forced."

"So you're saying you like conflict?" he asked. "You want the drama?"

"No!" I said, starting to feel defensive. "I don't like fighting and I don't always want the drama. But I can't even tell when you're engaged in D/s or not. They feel the same to me. You want me to do what you say. I want to be made. Why can't we have it both ways? You make me, you win, and I do it. We both get what we want."

Now, I don't think this would work all the time. If he had to force me to do his will every time, it would get exhausting for him and be very time-consuming for both of us. It'd be a waste of energy and we'd spend a lot of time fighting. While I think some fighting is good for relationships, too much can get the relationship bogged down with negativity. Also, I know that sometimes I just have to submit. This isn't a one-sided relationship; he has to be dominating sometimes and I have to submit sometimes. One of us can't do all the work.

But I think I'd like a little more active domination. This is what I was trying to explain to him.

"If I do this, is this you topping from the bottom?" he finally asked me. "Because it sounds like the kind of thing that you would worry about later."

I thought that one through for a minute. Finally, I said, "No. I'm not telling you to do it this way. I'm telling you that I think this is a need for me. I'm asking you to do it sometimes. I'm not saying you have to do it all the time."

"Ok," he said. "I'll work on using a leadership style that is easier for you to recognize and work with. Not because you told me to, but because I love you and I want you to be happy. Do you understand?"

"Yes," I said. "I understand."

So I'm trying to be more aware of his natural leadership style. That sometimes, when I think he is letting things slide or being too lenient or not engaging, he is really just waiting me out. I'm also learning to not have to fight him on every single thing he tells me to do. If he tells me to walk around the block twice and not just once, I may pout for about 30 seconds, but even I can see the wisdom in this, so I just shrug and say, "Okay" and I do it. And he is learning that when I test him with disobedience or passive resistance, he needs to point it out to me so I know that he knows it's going on. He's not just ignoring it; he's being patient and using his natural leadership style.

We are always learning. Our needs are always changing. And so we are always communicating.