Thanking, Thanking

Thanking God that He has brought into my life a man who loves me, cares for me, is selfless to me, and is a great father to our child. Yes, my Dom can be stubborn. Pigheaded. A sinner. Have a temper. But he is also loving, and patient, and kind.

And that, my friends, is sexy.

(What do I see as sexy? He asked me to answer this. What do I see as sexy, hmmmm... Well, I'd say a clean face and hairless torso are sexy. Firm muscles instead of flab are sexy. A smile is sexy. Confidence is sexy. Dominating me when I want to be ;) is sexy. Wanting me is sexy. Taking me on dates you planned is sexy. Joking with me and being my head is sexy. Those things are sexy.)

Sex problems

My new sub angst (or not so new) is how to combine my ideas of D/s and our real life.

I want a great sex life. I want to be turned on by my husband. I want to want him. My perfect scenario would be we have great D/s control almost every day, with kissing or making out or messing around most days, and sex 1-3 times a week but still sexual activity most days. In this scenario I would want him and would be eager for sex and we'd both enjoy it.

But it's not that way. I don't want sex. If he initiates it I shrink away, feeling scared and sick and sort of disgusted. If he continues I might get into it just because he's controlling me, but then after a few minutes I get bored and I just resent him because I think it's taking FOREVER and why can't he just come in 5 minutes?

And then I resent him because it seems he either wants sex or nothing. I miss when we were dating and we weren't having sex. Because our "sex life" was much better then. We made out, it was hot and heavy and sexy. We messed around a lot and would spend hours pleasing each other and it was great. That never happens now. He wants sex, or I don't want sex, and we don't do anything.

I want to want sex. But I don't.

I have dreams where I am turned on by him. I want him, the way I used to. Arousal and orgasm are so much better in these dreams. But, when real life comes, I barely get turned on. I can come with a vibrator, but it's nothing compared to an emotional orgasm with someone I love and who knows how to please me. It feels good, but impersonal, and it has nothing to do with him.

When I use my vibrator I try to think about him. I try to imagine he is bossing me around and telling me what to do and I am so mentally turned on. But it is hard to maintain that fantasy. It's been too long. It is easier to just enjoy the physical sensations and not think about him at all. And then, when my mind starts to wander, I picture a new, tall, muscular man who dominates me completely. And then I feel guilty for not picturing my husband and I have to concentrate on not picturing anyone.

I need to get mentally engaged in our sex life again. But how?

What subs want

What subs want.

• A man who treats her like a princess and expects her to treat him with respect and honor.
• A man whose attitude toward the world about her is "You gotta go through me first!"
• Protective
• Confident
• Bossy
• Consistent
• High sex drive
• Knows her intimately, her dreams and fears
• Leads her to be a better person
• Leads their family
• Decisive
• Makes decisions and protects her from the stress of it all
• Someone obviously really into her body and turned on by her
• Someone who doesn't just want her for her body, but thinks it's a great bonus ;)
• Stands up for her to her family
• Stands up for her to his family
• Stands up for her to his friends
• Supports her and is her cheerleader
• Pushes her
• Punishes her
• Loves her
• Rewards her
• Compliments her
• Cherishes her
• Owns her
• Needs her
• Loves her

How do you relax?

I pose a question to my readers:

How do you relax enough to enjoy sex, BDSM, D/s, and DD? How do you make your mind let go so you can give in completely to your submission or to your dominance?

I have a hard time "letting go" and relaxing. It is hard to enjoy it. I feel like I should fight more, or less, or enjoy it more, or less, or something.

How do you make yourself relax?

Challenge for Kinksters

Something I see a lot on the internet and in comments/emails posted to me about this blog is new kinksters feeling confused about where to start. What do they want? Which label best describes them? Are they top, Dom, Master, Owner, Daddy, slave, sub, switch? How do they convince their husband/wife/partner to be kinky with them?

So my advice for beginners, other than try everything once and don't be afraid to experiment with the different facets of BDSM to see which ones you really like, (see my beginner's guides for many of these things on this blog), is this: if you think you are interested in the D/s aspect of BDSM, try it for ten minutes a day. Period.

Too many people--me included--get so excited as beginners that they rush out the gate from total newbie to 24/7 D/s slavery. Fueled by sexy BDSM erotica, first-time websites, and mental fantasies they are sure will soon be realized, partnerships can burn out too fast and end in total disappointment, tears, fights, and frustrations.

Trust me. My Dom and I have been there!

Start slowly. Yes, I know it's exciting! And very, very sexy. But start slowly and let yourselves build up to the right level of D/s for you. Be creative and don't be afraid to experiment. And--this lesson is very important and one I learned the hard way, many times, before it sank it--don't criticize when you communicate. Just communicate. No judgments or criticisms necessary. Trust me, they won't be received well.

Start for a week and set the goal of incorporating some D/s into your days for 10 minutes a day. It doesn't have to be a lot. When we were newlyweds, we had a lot more time to devote to D/s and BDSM. Now, we have a baby and a house and family and jobs and pets. We are also supposed to squeeze sleep and relaxation and a few couple-only dates into the mix. We don't have a lot of alone time for scenes or drawn-out domination.

For me, this daily dose of D/s (ha! alliteration!) works sort of like maintenance spankings work for DD couples. I don't need to be spanked, but I do need a reminder that he's in charge. That he loves me. That he makes time for me and for us. It's a time for us to re-connect briefly. And to my surprise, it gets me through the next 23 hours and 50 minutes just fine. I don't need 2-hour scenes to be happy. But I do need a reminder of his domination.

Last week, he decided to spend the last 10 minutes before bed dominating me a little bit. I really liked it. We got the baby down, watched some 30 Rock or the Olympics, cuddled, brushed our teeth, read our Bible. Then we just had a short reconnection time with dominance play involved.

One day, he simply pinned me down and kissed me. Once we wrestled and giggled and we both re-discovered how much stronger than me he is. One night he just used the vibrator on me quickly and made me come, whether or not I wanted to. Another night I was being mouthy and he flipped me over and spanked me, hard, on my thighs. I, of course, got all pissed off and stopped talking to him. He waited patiently with his arms around me until I calmed down half an hour later and was able to realize that he was not being "unfair" or a "jerk" and was just being firm and giving me discipline. Another night he used the vibrator on me and turned it up high so I couldn't come but just squirmed from pain. I hated it! I went to bed sulky and mad, but he went to bed with a malicious little smile on his face.

None of these took much time, but the next day, I wasn't so snippy or mouthy with him. Even that little bit of domination was enough to remind me who was boss and to remind him to lead me.

One night, we were too tired and we just fell into bed. Another night, we were arguing and we stayed up late trying to patch the problem. Neither night did we engage in any D/s or domination, either physical or mental.

You can guess what happened.

My attitude began to rise, unchecked. During the days, I got snippier. More mouthy. "Ha! You can't boss me around! Who do you think you are?" my body language was saying.

What do you think happened next? He felt disrespected. I felt unloved and angry. We started fighting more. Bickering more. Cuddling less.

Just 10 minutes a day, folks. It's a good way to start out and a good place to work up from.

Take the 10-Minute-a-Day Challenge. Let me know how it goes!

Olympic Wrestling at Home

Last night was fun.

We wrestled.

It's been a long time since we wrestled. Like, back-when-we-were-dating long time.

He was showing me how to use my weight effectively against a bigger opponent. What can I say? The Olympics on tv obviously inspired us.

It was sexy, for me. I'd forgotten how strong he is.

No, my Dom is not a muscle machine. He looks, sadly, nothing like those hot young things in London we've been seeing so much of on tv. But that's okay.

Neither of us are in our prime anymore. When we met, he was a single guy who devoted his time to working out. He had muscles. Yum. Not too much, not too little. His arms... whoa. Firm and flexing over me in bed. Yes please. And I was a skinny young thing of 23, about twenty pounds lighter than I am now, and with a body that had not yet gotten droopy and loose with the weight of pregnancy.

That's okay.

Even without all those rippling muscles and taut tummy he used to have, when we were wrestling I realized, Whoa. He's still a lot stronger than me! Like, a lot stronger than me. The ease with which he flipped me over and pinned me was kind of sexy. "Let's do it again!" I giggled. And so we did.

At the end, I felt very attracted to him. I wanted to race to the bedroom and shake the dust off our bondage and pain toys.

I may have ruined the moment a bit by trying to hug him too hard, and inadvertently banging him in the tooth with my head.

Oops.

So we had a pause in our sexy time, for him to run to the bathroom and ascertain he was not bleeding, and for me to apologize profusely and mentally kick myself for ruining the vibe.

And it was just yesterday I was blogging about how scenes often don't go as perfectly in real life as they do in books and on the internet.

But we got back up on the horse, and headed to bed. He didn't feel up to bondage or implements of torture, but he did use the vibrator on me and grab my throat and hold me down. Yessss, please. I love it when he's rough with me. He got that deep throaty chuckle I love, the one that means he's let his guard down and is letting his evil, domineering side come out to play. He forced me to moan out loud because he knows I hate it and it embarrasses me. He kept his hand, firm and strong, against my throat the whole time. I couldn't move. I could barely breathe. He was in control.

And we went to bed, snuggling and happy, and me giggling and whispering my thanks. I love it when he dominates me.

There may have been a break in there where I had to go comfort a crying baby, but this is the internet, place where D/s goes perfectly and without a hitch, so we'll pretend like that didn't happen.

Keepin' It Real

In books like Fifty Shades of Grey, as well as online kinky erotica, you'll find a lot of perfect scenes. Scenes that go exactly the way both Dom and sub want them to. Scenes that always end with mutual orgasms.

Let's have a reality check.

Sometimes scenes don't go that way. Sometimes scenes are horrible for me because they're a whole lot of pain and no pleasure. That is what my Dom wants, or maybe he didn't read me so well that time, or whatever. Sometimes scenes are pleasurable but not that much and I'd honestly be happier with a good book and a cold soda.

I've blogged about the ups and downs of our BDSM explorations, from the time my cat ruined our rope play to the first time we tried bondage and my Dom ended up bleeding profusely.

Romance novels, movies, and even our own BDSM community with all its focus on never-going-to-come-true erotica set us up to be disappointed.  Sure, erotica can be very sexy (myself, I love the spanking stories from Domestic Discipline) but it doesn't always equal real life, where in fact I hate being spanked and get mouthy and angry real fast.

We had a scene and it was FABULOUS

We had a scene and it was FABULOUS. Simply fabulous.

I've been reading Fifty Shades of Grey and of course that has gotten me thinking, and therefore us talking, about BDSM relationships. While the relationship in 50 Shades is pretty textbook BDSM (if there is such a thing), it's still given us food for thought, mainly because it allows me to go back and remember how I felt and what I expected and hoped for when we first entered the BDSM scene. Obviously, we've evolved since then.

We had the same ole Talk.

You know, the one where I want him to force me and he wants me to just submit. Sigh.

Luckily, it didn't turn into a fight this time. Just talking. Trying to work past the frustrations in herent in our mutual incompatible desires and expectations when it comes to BDSM. When frustrations got high, we tried to take a calming step back and understand each other verbally, even if we didn't change our stance.

Of course, talking about it... I wanted it.

It's easier for me to get into the mood when I'm super, super relaxed.

Me being super, super relaxed never happens. Almost never. Maybe if I'm super exhausted or just taken a Xanax or something. Which doesn't happen a lot, let me tell you.

But yesterday, something clicked. I was relaxed enough. I just sat there. I soaked him in. I let him do whatever he wanted.

Boy, was it fantastic.

(Warning: Sexually Explicit Details! Not work-safe!)

He told me what to do. He touched me. He hurt me, a little but not much. He fingered me. He talked dirty to me, which was sooo hot. He told me he was punishing me for being too mouthy lately. He made me give him head, and I thought I couldn't take it but he kept grabbing my hair and making me do it anyway. I kept stopping to gag, and I was worried that disappointed him, but he just waited a few seconds and then kept right on going. Then he pushed me backwards onto the bed in an uncomfortable position and did not let me move. I kept wiggling and breathing hard but trying not to change positions! He flipped me onto the bed and had sex with me, just a little bit, then went back to fingering me, hard, too hard. It hurt, it hurt, I wanted him to be gentler, but I kept coming and he kept telling me not to move my hands or my head. I came and came until I was worn out from coming, and it hurt so much, and when he finally, finally let me up, I started laughing, just laughing, from relief and happiness and the best. sex. ever! And then he cleaned my vibrator and used it on me, and I was so turned on and sensitive to his touch that I just sat there in exquisite agony and kept getting so close to coming over the brink but I never could, the torture just went on and on. And when it finally happened it was superb.

I was so happy. I felt so good. He made me feel so delicious. He gave me pleasure. I wanted to please him. I wanted him. I respected him, loved him, wanted to make him happy. And at the end I was an exhausted, panting, satisfied woman.

People, this never happens except in the romance novels. It was AWESOME!

Thank you to my honey. I am a very happy woman today.

The "Right" Kind of Sub

I've been perusing Submissive Guide again, getting caught up on some forum discussions and browsing new articles. I just can't make myself get onto FetLife again, since I've gotten bored with the same-ole, same-ole questions and answers about D/s and subs that have always been asked and answered, but I am dying for some new information on BDSM. That's why I started this blog; I could not find a lot of info on BDSM for newbies to the lifestyle!

But today I did find a good article on Souls Haven, and here is an excerpt:

You decide how submissive you are. You decide if you want to scene or if you want to be in a lifestyle relationship. It's your decision if you want to play with toys or if you prefer hands. It's your decision how hard "too hard" is. It's your decision if you would like to add sadism and masochism to your play or if you honestly just want to deal with the mental trust issues that D/s entails.

For me, I've tried scenes and I've tried lifestyle and everything in between. I'm still trying to find my niche. Am I D/s or BDSM or DD or Taken in Hand or CDD? I'm not sure!!!! I'm a little of all of them. Or maybe some weird mix. I don't know.

But I am definitely in agreement with this quote. It can  be easy to feel like you have to fit into a particular "box" in this lifestyle. Like if you are a sub you have to fit into the style of "sub" the websites describe, or the same for a slave or Dom or even a switch.

As a newbie, I really struggled with what kind of a sub I was. Did I want a contract or rules or not? Once I got them, they scared me and I didn't want to obey them. Did I need to be a masochist to be a sub? I tried pain play but I wasn't sure I really liked it. What I did like, however, was the mind play. I think this quote puts it better than I have ever heard it phrased, "the mental trust issues that D/s entails". This is the part I struggle with and yearn for most. I want to submit. Or, do I want to be conquered? Or do I want to be forced to submit, which is not really submitting? But I definitely don't want to be forced... It can get confusing. Just ask my Dom!

But there's really no right or wrong. The only true difficulty is in finding what kind of a sub I am, what kind of Dom my husband is, and then finding what kind of D/s we want to have. This is hard for us, and we've been working at it on and off for three years. We really aren't sure exactly what we want. I think he needs to think about it more and I need to think about it less. ;-)  And also, I think it is easier for us than perhaps it is for some other subs and Doms, because the norm on FetLife and the web seems to be that most people in this lifestyle aren't monogamous and try scenes with multiple partners, sometimes just as a trial run and maybe only once with the same person. I'm sure for those people, it can be really hard not to fall into the trap of believing that there is one kind of "right sub" because if they are not the style of sub that Dom is looking for, they can feel guilty and like a disappointment. It's not to say my Dom and I don't struggle with this sometimes, trying to mesh our ideas and frustrations with what we want, but a lot of that difficulty becomes a non-issue because we don't play with other people.

I wonder sometimes what it would be like to play with someone else, but it takes too much trust and vulnerability to ever try that, so we've agreed playing with other partners would be too close to adultery, even if there were no sex involved. Therefore, I am spared having to deal with new Doms and new styles, and I can just concentrate on trying to figure out what the heck is going on in my own marriage. :-)

Facepalm

Good grief.

It looks like the baby got hold of my phone and either emailed or texted part of a very sensitive discussion between my husband and me about BDSM, our relationship, D/s, and sexual attraction. And she emailed it TO MY DAD.

I might die of embarrassment.

I just got this text saying, "Did you email this to me? Something is not working right..."

*Facepalm*

One Lovely Blog

Thanks to Dauntless Vitality for nominating me for the One Lovely Blog Award! I appreciate it!

The rules of acceptance are, mention and thank the person who nominated you (see above), tell your readers 7 unknown things about yourself, and nominate 15 of your own favorite blogs for the One Lovely Blog Award, with links.

Here goes!

Seven things you will not know about me:

1. I vote Democrat 100% of the time but am staunchly pro-life
2. I believe redheads and cats are superior to the rest of us
3. My perfect day is alone all day in bed with a good book and computer, with a big bowl of cookie dough and a spoon
4. I think marijuana should be legal for those over 21
5. I once drove for 2 weeks with my brights on and didn't realize it
6. The hottest attribute I see in men is height. Oh, I'm a sucker for guys over 5'11".
7. I wish God had made humans to run on sweets and processed foods instead of whole grains and vegetables

Fifteen of my favorite blogs that I think deserve a One Lovely Blog Award:
D/s, BDSM, and Sexuality:

1. Stormy at Shelter in the Storm
2. Dannah at Subtypical
3. Clarisse Thorn
4. Rogue Bambi at Past the Hurt
5. Jake at Jake's Writings I Save- must be invited to read this blog
6. Sara at Finding Sara
7. Kaya at Under His Hand (very funny blog)

Other blogs I like:

1. The Bloggess (general humor)
2. Kelly Mom (parenting, breastfeeding, infants)
3. Chloe's Nails (nail art)
4. The Couple to Couple League's NFP Blog (natural family planning)

Comment on these blogs and tell them I sent you! Enjoy!

My Core: answers to journal prompt

My Core

 1. Your core is who you are. Who are you?

 I'm a conquered submissive. I'm a Christian, a mother, a wife, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, leader, helper, romantic, reader, artist, pessimist, worrier, doubter, fearer.

2. What makes you feel joy, pain, fear, excitement?

I feel joy when I hold my sleeping baby. When I sing or dance. When I hear beautiful music being sung by amazing singers live.

I feel pain when I feel alone, lonely, lost, misunderstood, and not listened to. I feel pain when people leave me, when I worry I'm not good enough or worthy or attractive or pretty or nice enough. I feel pain when my husband hurts me. I feel pain when friends and family do not put as much time and effort into me as I do into them.

 I feel fear when I think of my baby dying. I feel fear when I think of dying and becoming nothing. I feel fear when I imagine heights, airplanes, big dogs, the baby getting hurt, my husband liking someone else's company better than mine, my family not loving me as much as I love them, losing my job.

I feel excitement when I go shopping and imagine the "new me" that can emerge when I buy an accessory or clothes that are out of my normal box. I feel excitement at traveling to exotic new places. I feel excited about learning new things, like cooking, languages, fashion, grammar. I feel excited when I start a good book or have a whole day alone to spend with a book and my computer.

3. What part of you is most touched or healed by submission?

The part of me that worries I am "too much" and no one will want/love all of me. When I am completely owned, conquered, submitted to someone who has put forth the effort and work and demonstrated the strength of mind, body, and will to obliviate me, I know I am wanted, loved, cherished. I know I will not be left by someone who has put in that much effort to have me. It heals me fears of being left or unwanted.

 4. What part of you is most challenged or repulsed?

I am most challenged by being submissive when I submit myself, rather than being conquered. Just hoping that this gift will be appreciated and seen as worth the work and effort, instead of knowing.

5. When you share your core with someone, in the right hands, it thrives. In the wrong hands, it withers. What makes your core thrive? What makes it wither?

Attention, love, praise, mentally stimulating conversations about mutual interests, growing together, a new hobby together--- they make my core thrive.

Being hurt by those who profess to love me, especially when they hurl insults at me and tear down who I am in my core, that makes me wither.

6. What do you do, if anything, to keep tabs on your core, so that you may be growing and evolving, but not changing or compromising it for someone? What internal measuring sticks do you utilize to keep your inner being in tact while submitting, and how do you communicate it to your dominant/master/etc. if you feel you are being compromised?

 I try to talk to him if I feel I am being compromised. I am always very open with him; what I like, don't like, want, desire, need, fear, am drawn by, attracted to, or both. I blog and read blogs and reflect to keep tabs on my core.

7. Do you protect your core? Do you feel you need to? And if you do, what measures do you take to do so?

 I do sometimes, when I feel my Dom is not fully conquering me, I withdraw. I know I will get hurt if he is not wanting to draw me out and pursue me. I get quiet, I share less with him, when he asks what I'm thinking I say "Nothing" or shrug it off, I try to pretend I do not want his dominance, I don't mention it and just wait to see what he will do instead of putting myself out there and asking for it.

Things are Improving

Thank to to all of you who commented on my previous post with words of encouragement and support. It really means a lot to me.

The great news is, that sad and very unhappy blog has sparked a truly great conversation in our relationship!

I didn't write anything on here that I hadn't already said to my Dom. Several times, actually. But sometimes, a change in medium helps. I personally write much better than I talk. I can think out my answers and thoughts better, I'm better at expressing myself through writing, and--most importantly--I stay organized, instead of going off on tangents that become arguments that become fights. When I talk I get wrapped up in the emotion of it all, the hidden meanings, the tones, the judgment I feel. Writing I do much better.

After I wrote that blog, I felt like a great wall had just arisen between my Dom and me. We had talked about it and talked about it, and we didn't seem to be going anywhere. I felt hurt and alone and angry and said, and I said as much.

When he called me from work, I was quiet and distant. I told him I was "fine." I said I was blogging. I  have several blogs, and I  hadn't written on this one in a long time, so I assumed he wouldn't know which one or have time to read it regardless.

A few hours later, he said he had read my blog. I felt surprised and a little embarrassed. He said, "You said you were blogging, and I knew what you were doing. I went on my phone and read it. I want to talk about it again."

Well, we'd already talked about it. I didn't want to talk anymore. I was hurt and sad.

So, to my great happiness, he decided to write me an email. When we were dating we used to write huge, long emails to each other. I love written letters! They make me feel so much more loved and cared for than regular spoken words. I adore the time and effort that goes into writing a letter. I can read and re-read the words at will. They seem so romantic and sweet. And, important for me, I can read things unemotionally, rather than imagining I hear judgment and censure via someone's tone.

I was greatly looking forward to his email. I waited and waited. Finally, it came!

His email did not magically solve all our problems. But he did go through my blog, copied and pasted it, and then responded to each section in turn. He told me how he felt. He explained his frustrations and reservations. And, something that doesn't happen in our talks-that-become-fights, he made sure to say "That's true" and "Thank you" to the things I actually do well. That rarely happens when we talk; it all becomes defensive and negative and we both blame each other. But this email also included his words of appreciation and thanks for me becoming less critical, for me trying to appreciate him, for the times I do submit as I should. It made it  much easier to hear the rest of what he had to say.

I eagerly wrote back. I defended myself. I let myself get angry and defensive, because on paper it comes across as so honest and upfront, not so hateful and angry as my tone gets about the same thing when we talk verbally.

It really let us get things aired out, discuss our grudges and negative feelings, without getting sidetracked into a terrible fight with a cycle of blame, blame, blame.

After a few emails, I had arrived to my destination for the night and he was tired of emailing. (Much as I love love love letters and emails, my Dom really prefers words.... faster and easier.) So at midnight I called him and we talked. We talked for almost 2 hours. We talked and talked and talked like we did back when we were dating and newly in love and we would just chat for hours.

Sure, there were times he was frustrated. He was angry. So was I. But because we'd read each other's emails, we were able to know where the other was coming from and understand it. I was able to say things like, "You're right. I'm sorry, and I'll work on that," instead of, "Oh yeah?! Well, YOU do THIS!" And I was also able to ask him, "Do you at least understand where I'm coming from?" and he was finally able to tell me yes.

He finally made me understand that he doesn't hate BDSM. He just hates feeling like I'm never happy. I pointed out that I do try to give him constructive, not negative, criticism, and he needs to be able to take that. And I am happy with BDSM sometimes.

One of his biggest issues he feeling like he can't trust me. He says I always wanted "more," but then I would refuse to use my safeword. He was afraid to give me "more" because he was afraid he would really damage me. I said it is hard to me to use my safeword; I want to seem tough or strong. But I know that's silly and using my safeword is not a sign of weakness. And I finally could understand how he maybe was not being as intense or rough with me as he wanted, because he was afraid he'd go too far and wouldn't know if I wouldn't use my safeword. This made me feel better, because I always just thought he was "weak" and "not dominating enough" and that he did not want a BDSM lifestyle like I did. And, of course, I admitted it was my fault for not using my safeword and I know that is something I can do more.

We still need to really work out a few things. For example, how can I tell him what I want without him feeling criticized and shutting off from BDSM? How can we find a balance between me giving in to him and him conquering me? He wants me to submit, but I want him to conquer me forcefully. We haven't come up with a solution to that yet. It's been an issue for months and maybe years, and of course we haven't solved it in one night.

But we did talk. We came to some understandings.

And most importantly, I once again feel hopeful that maybe we do want similar things from BDSM. Maybe, if I use my safeword, he will be rougher with me and not be afraid of hurting me. Maybe he can finally use me and break me and put the pieces back together, trusting me to let him know if he ever goes too far. Maybe he will feel free to "hurt" me but not "damage" me.

That is what I want. I want more, deeper, scarier, more intense. It is not abuse because if I did not trust him 100% and know he loves me 100%, I would never be okay with him treating me this way. I would never let a stranger treat me like that; it would be abuse or rape. But with my husband, where I am safe and loved and I know he will always respect my safeword, I want to be pushed and hurt and torn apart and then lovingly put back together by a man I know loves me enough to stay around and pick up the pieces. I want to share that with him.

And the good news is, for the first time, I am excited to see my Dom. Excited to think that maybe we will be "intimate" and  it will be sexy and fun and rough and intimate. I am actually looking forward to it! Because he never seems so attractive to me as when I feel like he's going to dominate me.

I hope my wishes come true and I don't get disappointed again. :-/
 
I hope we are heading somewhere good. I wanted to let my readers know that I am okay. We are okay. I hope we will be heading in a good direction together.

I will keep you updated! :-)

Abuse, Intimacy, and BDSM

I've been reading the genius S&M feminist writer Clarisse Thorn once again. Her post, "S&M Aftercare... or Brainwashing?" was, as always for Clarisse, a gem. She is such a great writer and does a great job with tough topics like BDSM and abuse, rape, and nonconsent.

This post was all about the similarities between BDSM and abuse and how to tell the difference. There are many articles about this on the web, and it's a popular topic for bloggers. I'm proud of the BDSM community for working so hard to make clear boundaries of what is and is not abuse to keep its members safer.

Clarisse Thorn bravely points out that having an orgasm or enjoying a sexual act does not mean you gave your consent. She quotes one of her readers:

And part of that mechanism, that involves the desire for the abuse to continue, is that many of us are designed to want more intimacy once intimacy has been initiated with a person. Many of us don’t want to be left.

This is terrifying and real for those of us who have been abused. You hate it, but you want more of it. You hate it, but you enjoy it. You hate it, but you are aroused by it. You hate it, but you have an orgasm from it. You hate it, but you feel loved and desired anyway.

The above quote can help us let go of some of our guilt. How can we want it and not want it at the same time? Well... we just can.

Studies have shown that those who practice BDSM are no more likely to have been abused in the past than the general population. However, for those of us who have been abused, it's possible BDSM gives us a safe place to work through unsafe experiences. Clarisse Thorn continues quoting this woman, who said:

For some number of people who have experienced abuse, the greatest split within the self does not simply come from how horrific the acts themselves were but from the feelings of desire and pleasure that can happen in human beings even during horrific unwanted acts. For some of us, BDSM can be a safe way to explore unpacking some of this desire and how these arousal patterns got mixed up with horrific things — or were already hooked up to horrific things and that pre-existing fact was exploited by a harmful person.

Can I just say, "YES!"? Sometimes I want to be insulted and hurt. Because that is how my twisted childhood went: love, insult, hurt, love. My basic understanding of love is that it is stronger after hurt. Cycle of abuse? You bet. Still the best way for me to feel love? Yep.
My first sexual experiences were not consensual. This left me feeling that sex is gross, disgusting, and something that men to when they hate you. Sex = used. I'm learning that my Dom loves me, does not use me, and does not use sex to overpower me or hurt me. That's nice. But when I know I can trust him, that he is not, in fact, abusing me, I still struggle with craving "abusive" sex. I may not enjoy sex by itself, but I love knowing he is using me, enjoying me, abusing me. Mentally, I enjoy it. That translates into the physical, making sex much better than it could ever be just physically.

Clarisse herself goes on to conclude:

I do use BDSM to process past trauma. Not all the time. Sometimes it's just fun, sexy, about achieving the "high" of subspace, feeling owned and relaxed.

But sometimes. Sometimes I feel more wanted if he takes it from me. Sometimes I feel more loved if he makes me cry, then holds me. Sometimes I feel more secure if he's mean to me, then nice to me.

Because then I know what to expect.

I've already blogged about how the BDSM relationship between my Dom and me helps me deal with my mental illnesses. In times of stress, depression, or anxiety, especially when for whatever reason I can't be on medicine or the medicine isn't working, I rely on his power, on our BDSM, to keep me sane. I need that. It keeps me centered. He can control me when I can't.

I need that.

There is no evidence that abuse creates a desire for S&M — but there’s also nothing wrong with people who use S&M to process past trauma.

A Hole in My Heart

I miss BDSM.

I miss the sense of security it gave me. I miss the overwhelming awe and respect I felt for my husband when he had completely overpowered me. I miss the heartrending sobbing that he forced out of me, when I was finally pushed over the edge of my own control and I lost it, and how finally after that I would feel so calm and relaxed. I miss the surge of relaxation that laps through my body when he takes me by the throat. I miss the security of knowing their are consequences when I do something wrong.

I miss it.

My Dom knows this, but he is not interested in engaging in BDSM again anytime soon.

He has several good reasons, although they are hard for me to understand.

He says BDSM is unhealthy for me. That it's an unhealthy part of me wanting it. I get upset, hurt, confused, anxious, and then I crave domination and abuse. I don't come at it from a place of happiness and balance; I crave it when I'm upset. For instance, when we're getting along, I enjoy slow, loving sex. But after a fight, I have too many pent-up emotions. I hate him! He's hurt me! He's a jerk! It is then that I crave sex filled with violence. I want him to hit me and choke me and make me scream and cry. I want the emotional release of all this negativity that was built up between us during the fight. I want him to abuse me, just to "finish it." He thinks we should solve the conflict by talking it out. He is afraid those urges will just be even more unhealthy for me.

He says he is not interested in BDSM anymore because I was too critical. He says I was never happy and we just fought about it constantly. I say I'm never happy without it. Either way we have conflict. I really tried not to be too critical of him. I know men (and people in general) do not respond well to criticism. I tried to start approaching things differently, like showing him blogs that inspired me, or sharing stories from online blogs that I thought were sexy, or posing my wants as a question, such as, "Why don't we do this--?" instead of "You suck, I wanted ___ instead!" But it didn't work. He still knew that all those questions and all those blog suggestions were arising because I wanted something I didn't have. He doesn't like learning from other people's blogs. I love it. I get inspiration and ideas from there, and I see things other husbands do that I want done. He hates it. He just wants to "discover our own kind of BDSM" (I can't see why researching what other couples do can hurt us in our search to do that) and he says he is sick of hearing what other husbands do that he doesn't. I don't try to present it like, "So-and-so's Dom does this, so I want to be with him," but rather I try to phrase it like, "So-and-so's Dom does this, and I want that. Do you think that sounds sexy? What do you think about it?" But I guess it still makes him feel like I'm critical.

The strange thing is, I really tried not to be critical. After every scene, I would tell him what I thought any woman, vanilla or kinky, was supposed to communicate with her lover. I would tell him what I liked and what he did well. And I would tell him what I wanted and what could be better next time. I didn't approach it as a failure of his. I simply would tell him, or blog about it later. I would try to be very complimentary of all the things I liked. I tried to be specific so he would know what to do again next time (he normally didn't do them again, though, no matter how much I praised something). And I would say things like, "And at this part, I really wanted __________, and that would have been so awesome." For future reference, you know? As non-threatening as possible. But he still reads it as "criticism." He says I never said, "That was great." I always said, "That was great, I loved this, but this could have been better." I was just trying to communicate with him my sexual needs for future reference, but I guess it got him down that I was never 100% happy. And the times I was 100% happy, I tried to really praise him and tell him what specifically I liked and what he did so well, but looking back all he remembers are the times I still wanted something different.

He says we fought more then. This is true, but that's just because now I try to ignore my feelings and squash them down. Instead of fighting with him to dominate me, I try to be submissive and not test him. It makes for fewer fights, but it also means I am not getting the subspace high I want.

He says I was rarely happy with BDSM. I always wanted something more, more, more. To me, this is confusing. If he knows I wanted more domination, more roughness, more punishment, more bossiness, more control, then why doesn't he just give me more??? I think maybe he wants a sub who obeys, and I want a Dom who forces me to obey. They are not very complementary desires.

He says I am addicted to BDSM. He says me wanting the "release" of subspace is just like an addiction to a drug. He has made this analogy before. Subspace is, for me, akin to being high. I feel wonderful, relaxed, happy, submissive. A few hours later, the feeling ebbs, and I crash. I will do anything for a fix again! I want him to give me that feeling again, and I misbehave and fight with him to try to provoke dominance to get my "high." I think if he would just do it regularly I wouldn't end up misbehaving or trying to goad him into dominating me.

Yes, subspace is like a high for me. But I'm not sure why he thinks that makes it unhealthy or negative. Can't it be a positive natural high? It feels wonderful. I trust him and love him and respect him. But afterward, when the feeling ebbs and I perceive he is treating me as vanilla again, when I want more control, domination, and consequences, I get angry and bitter. I want my high again! It makes me more attracted to him sexually, it makes me love him more, it makes me respect him more. I see it as a very positive thing for our relationship. But he just wants to be able to go back to normal and not have to put in the "work" of controlling me.

He says BDSM keeps us from communicating. I honestly don't agree with this. I talk to my husband about everything, BDSM or not. I tell him everything I think and feel, all the time. Vanilla or kinky won't change that. But he says that when, after a fight, I beg him to just "get it over with" and finish the job by hitting, insulting, or choking me, it keeps us from talking about it. My defense is that NO AMOUNT OF TALKING HELPS. We talk and we talk and we talk. But I am still sooo hurt by what has happened and by how mean he has been to me. Talking does not allow me to scream and fight and hit and hate him and get all those pent-up feelings out. We've been building up to an explosion of violence and stopped before we got there. I want to use BDSM to experience the release in a safe, controlled way. So I can feel used and hurt and abused, but then afterward to feel safe and loved and understood. Fights do not do that for me. They leave me feeling used and hurt and abused, raw, ragged, and aching. There is a hole in my heart. We can talk talk talk about it, but in the end I just want him to finish it, to hurt me and then love me. That way I can heal. By just talking, I just end up scabbing over the hole in my heart, keeping that little girl who feels hated and abused inside and trying to ignore her. BDSM helps me flush that little girl out, screaming and kicking, and then she is gone and peace resumes.

Since our last big fight 3 weeks ago, I've been asking and asking for BDSM. He is not interested. He says he is tired of the fighting it caused, tired of not being good enough, tired of me never being happy. I have tried to explain to him that there is a hole in my heart. I need something that I'm not getting.

He says wanting BDSM is a want, not a need. This is true. I don't need BDSM like I need food or water or air. But it is a want that is embedded deeply in my emotional state and my psyche. It is a want that is bordering on an emotional need, and I'm not sure he understands that. I do want it, but the more I don't get it, the more it starts to feel like a need. Sex is a want for him, but I try to meet it. Just because I don't "need" something, it doesn't seem right in a marriage that he is completely uninterested in meeting one of my desires just because it makes him feel criticized (which I've tried to fix) and like we have conflict (is conflict always bad? isn't it better to fight out our problems than ignore them just so we can have "no conflict"?).

When he was growing up, his parents fought constantly. Therefore, he hates conflict. Me, on the other hand, I welcome it. I want it to be healthy and I want us to fight fair, of course, but I saw my parents get divorced because one was constantly fighting in an emotional abusive, hateful way, and the other was never fighting and always ignoring problems and saying "It'll be fine." I learned the hard way that neither extreme works! It is far better to embrace conflict when it arises and handle it in a healthy, respectful way, and then deal with it. I have seen a marriage die because no one ever dealt with conflict, so I am ready to jump in and fight out even the smallest problems; it's better than ignoring them and letting love die!

But my husband, he doesn't like conflict. His last major relationship, which lasted like 8 or 9 years, was a total dudd, but he stayed there because they never fought. They also never loved, laughed, had sex, or engaged in passion. But at least they never fought.

After that relationship ended, he was ready to have a relationship where conflict was dealt with. He realized that "not fighting" does not mean you are happy, or that the relationship was healthy. He is willing to put up with my pique and my over-sensitivity because he knows that conflict is not a bad thing for a marriage when it is handled respectfully. We both try to be respectful; although of course we don't always succeed, I think mostly we do. But he gets tired of fighting quickly. While I am willing to fight for months for BDSM in our marriage, feeling I am fighting because eventually we must fight it out to a mutually satisfying conclusion, after a few weeks or months of conflicts he feels drained and he is willing to give up.

He says he "rues the day" we heard about BDSM. I think that is ridiculous since we were already playing with kinkiness and power dynamics before we put a name to it. I've always been interested in being sexually dominated, from my first teenage fantasies to now. Healthy? Maybe not. Stemming from my past abuse? Probably. But that's who I am now, and if BDSM lets me feel abused/loved in a safe place with a loving, safe man, I'm okay with that.

Before I met my Dom, I didn't know that what I wanted had a name or a community. But I still wanted it. I remember feeling turned on when boyfriends would talk dirty to me or push me against the wall. I felt unfulfilled when men kissed me passively. I felt disappointed when one potential date told me he "wasn't interested in hurting anybody". I knew right away we weren't going to be compatible. So I think my Dom is misguided when he says BDSM is causing problems. Even if I'd never heard the name, never read a blog, never joined the community, I would still be craving dominance. Abuse. Love. Power. Violence. Release.

I would still be unhappy when I didn't get it. I would still be less sexually attracted to him when he didn't deliver. I would still have this hole in my heart. But now I now its name and I know what it's possible to get from this lifestyle.

And the worst part is, is when he refuses to dominate me and doesn't want to, but then I ask if he'd be mad if I had a Dom that didn't involve sex, he gets really, really, really hurt and angry. I don't understand how he can say in one breath that he has no interest in meeting my needs and then in the next breath get angry when I want to get them met elsewhere. I guess he'd rather me just feel alone and unhappy? He's okay with there being this hole in my heart, as long as we don't have to fight about BDSM.

I want us both to be happy. I try to be less critical. I try to not tell him what other people's husbands are doing. I try to not test his authority, even when every bone in my body WANTS to and is screaming, "Control me! See my test and rise to the occasion and conquer me!" I try to simply tell him what I'd like. I'd like him to choke me. I'd like him to make me feel like I'm his. I'd like some rough sex.

But he is not interested in giving it to me. Not interested in me getting it somewhere else. Not interested in getting it from him.

He just wants me to live without it. But I know I can never, never enjoy sex without that BDSM element.

I want to love and respect my Dom. I try to stay submissive to him even in little ways. He leads me and takes care of me and loves me and forgives me. I'm lucky to have him.

But sexually... there is something missing. Even outside the bedroom, the power I give him is power I give, not power he has earned or he takes or that he could keep if I took it away. I want that. I need that. This hole in my heart is gnawing on me, and it makes me feel alone.

Marriage Isn't Perfect and Neither is D/s

I'd like to thank Sara over at Finding Sara for being so open with her marital struggles. Sometimes I worry I am the only person in this blogging-lifestyle community who is not 100% happy with the D/s in her relationship. It might explain why I haven't written on my blog in so long.

I know Sara and Grant are committed to their relationship. I applaud her for both her willingness to admit they've fallen on hard times and her confidence that they will stay together. I believe they will, for the simple reason that they are both committed to staying together.

For those of us in the younger areas of our lives, newlyweds or dating or with young children, it can be hard to find that BDSM relationships do not, as books and the internet would suggest, take work in the beginning and then hit a happy equilibrium which they maintain, to the mutual joy and satisfaction of both partners, forever.

I was sort of waiting for all of the "beginner" stuff like working out contracts and getting trained and getting used to being in this lifestyle. What I didn't realize is that BDSM and D/s can actually cause a lot more conflict than just ignoring those desires and being vanilla.

But I don't think I can ever go back to being vanilla. Even if our relationship sometimes looks and feels vanilla, I won't ever be vanilla again. Not with what I know and what I've experienced. I carry that knowledge and that desire with me. I will forever.

I'll go into more detail in what's been happening in my subsequent posts... but for now, thanks to Sara for being an example and showing me I don't have to hide my struggles and problems in D/s to have a D/s blog. I don't have to be having kinky sex or an active D/s lifestyle to be a D/s person. Thanks for making me brave enough to come back and type out these words. I've missed it.

More to come...
Fondly,
Sexperts

50 Shades of Grey

The newst book my friends say I need to read is 50 Shades of Grey.

Apparently it's bringing S&M and D/s lifestyles into the mainstream.

Of course, critics say the book does nothing but cement the stereotypes that only people with abusive histories and/or serious control issues could ever be interested in such a lifestyle. But I think it's good the story also shows how this woman, although she is not 100% into the lifestyle, still finds it appealing and sexy on some level. At least it deals with that.

Haven't we all dealt with that? Why do I want thi?. I'm not supposed to. How can I be both repulsed and attracted to a lifestyle?

I have read The Story of O. As far as I can tell, it's the opposite of 50 Shades of Grey. The story of O tells of a woman who voluntarily descends into a lifestyle of complete and utter slavery. 50 Shades is more, from what I understand, a story of how a man deals with his past abuse and transcends the need for the lifestyle.

Either way, it's next on my list.

Am I a Reflection?

I was reading Storm'y blog today, and in it her Dom/husband said:

She's a reflection on me, she's part of me, and we both want to hold ourselves and each other to high standards as we go about our lives.

And then I think, "Am I a reflection of you?"

Does my husband see me as a reflection of himself? Sometimes I really wonder this.

I certainly see him as a reflection of me. I feel embarrassed when he does foolish things, proud when he does great things. I feel that to society, as well as to our family and friends, his choices and decisions mirror back onto me. I chose this man, his actions seem to say of me. Of all the men in the world, I chose this one to join my life to. What do you think of my choice?

Since husband and wife are one body, I think there is a religious or spiritual reasoning behind us being reflections of one another as well.

But I am not sure if he feels this way about me. When I do something great, he is happy and proud, but I think more for me than seeing it as a reflection on him, a reflection on his choices in a life mate, a reflection of his abilities and strengths as a leader. When I do something bad or wrong, rather than feeling embarrassed or seeing my faults as a reflection of his skills as a leader, I think he just feels bad for me.

This is not the way I see it.

I like the way Stormy's husband sees her, the way I think many DD and D/s husbands see their mates. The sub is a reflection of the Dom-- a reflection of his choices. A reflection of his ability to make sound decisions. And a reflection of his leadership capabilities.

The book Liberated by Submission made the point that, if a woman has turned from a lovely, positive young fiancée to a nagging, critical, harping wife, she has done so under the man's leadership. Rather than guiding her into safe, positive, spiritually enriching waters, he has provided poor guidance or, just as bad, no guidance at all.

Am I a reflection of you? Do you even care what I do or say? How it reflects on you?

Am I your reflection?

Such a simple touch

Walking out of the restaurant, he grips the back of my neck. Squeezes gently.

I am happy. Relaxed.

He is showing his dominance to everyone around us.

But more than that. His love. His tenderness toward me. His caring.

His hand says, "I love this woman. She is mine."

I feel lucky. I sigh, feeling the tension drain. Why do we not do this more often?

He holds my door open for me, gets me into my car, and kisses me goodbye. The moment is broken, but not gone.

We drive our separate ways, him to his work, me to mine.

But that moment at lunch stays with me the rest of the day.

Showing dominance in different ways

I think it's so interesting how those of us in this community show our submission and dominance in different ways.

Some women have written that, as part of their submission, they always order for their husband at restaurants. For me, on the other hand, my husband and I are both more old fashioned. At restaurants, he usually asks me what I want, then communicates my order to the waiter. If I want a refill or some extra condiment, I ask him and he flags down the waiter to ask.

Sometimes I wonder if waiters think this is strange. But I like that my husband is taking this role to protect me and provide for me. He is old-fashioned and likes to treat me that way, opening my doors, getting my lunches ready in the morning, making sure scatterbrained me still has her purse and keys in the morning. You can sometimes see him carrying the baby and the diaper bag and my bags even when I offer to help. He does a great job taking care of me.

Sometimes he will grab me by the hair, kiss me or bite my neck, and then let me go a few minutes later to continue whatever I was doing when he interrupted me. I think he likes being able to do what he wants, when he wants. I think it makes him feel powerful.

Because he is so confident, my Dom is not very jealous or nit-picky. Sometimes I even wish he were a bit more stringent and super-corrective! He is very laid back and confident, so he does not feel threatened if I want to spend time with male friends or my family members. However, he makes sure that any male friends I have, he also knows and has spent time with. I have one male friend that he is comfortable me going to his house alone, because they are good friends and my Dom trusts him 100%. I have another friend that my Dom is good friends with and does not mind me going out to meet him at a public place like lunch, or even my friend coming to my house, but he does ask me not to go to his house alone. I'm not sure why, but I did as he told me.

On the other hand, my Dom and I are both "time" people. Time together is very important to us. If I wanted to spend too much time away from him with other people, it would make him sad and I think he'd say something to me. But I don't, because I love being with him as much as I can.

He sees "taking care of me" as being dominating. Therefore, for him, doing things that others might consider "service," he considers "dominating." He gets my lunches ready in the morning. He cleans the house on weekends. He plays with the baby on Saturdays so I can sleep in. Some people might see this as him submitting to me, but he doesn't. He believes that I am his responsibility to take care of, and he wants to make me happy, and therefore he does these things for me, not because I am in charge or he owes me, but because he wants to take care of me and make me feel loved and cared for.

At first, that confused me. "If you are doing things for me, isn't that me dominating you?" But he said no, absolutely not. He does those things for me out of the kindness of his heart, because he is my Dom and he chooses to take care of me. If he did not want to do them, he would tell me to do them, but he sees this sacrifice for me as a way of being a servant-leader like Jesus.

I'm sure it's not what works for everyone, but it works for us.

Temporary Equality

For those of you not in 24/7 D/s relationships, how do you decide when and how to enter into the D/s aspect?

I've heard of methods people use to get into "the mode" of power exchange. For example:

Have you tried any of these? What about those of you in long-distance D/s or in D/s relationships with children or family around often so you have to appear more the norm when around them? How do you maintain the power exchange all the time, or do you go back and forth between D/s and "normal"?

With a baby and being so near our families, it's harder to maintain a power exchange relationship. We don't have time to spend doing things like spankings or kinky sex. He doesn't seem to have the time or energy to micro-manage me or even to boss me around. Therefore, we've settled into more of a 60/40 relationship than a 90/10 or 100/0 like we were working toward several months ago.

Then, of course, when he wants to suddenly pull out the "I'm in charge" card, I promptly pull out the "No way, Jose!" card. My theory is--and has always been--that men can't be in charge just when they feel like it. It's a responsibility he takes all the time or else we are more or less equal; I can't handle the emotional hurt or mental confusion of not knowing if, when, and how our relationship works, what is expected of me, what I can expect from him, what constitutes bad behavior, and what consequences will be for said bad behavior.

I'm not unhappy. It's just different from before.

I assume it's temporary, until we have more time and energy to put into D/s again. Therefore, I'm not really worried about it. I see it as yet another phase for us to go through.

That's what marriage is.

Collars Sexual

Do collars have to be sexual?

They've certainly been fetish-ized in our culture. What little the mainstream U.S. knows about BDSM is all wrapped up in highly unrealistic depictions of Domme women wearing black leather and spandex and a studded black leather collar. They've become sexual.

I wore a cute red fabric... accessory... the other day.

My Dom didn't like it. "It looks like a collar," he said. "They just seem sexual to me now, after knowing about BDSM."

I scoffed a little. "It's not a collar," I said. "It's like a choker."

People throughout the day commented on it. "It's cute!" "Is that a headband around your neck?" "Are you wearing a collar?" "No, it's a choker." "It's a necklace that looks like one of those headbands."

I simply answered with a smile, "No, it isn't a collar. I'm not a dog." The comments amused me, but didn't really bother me at all. I should have also pointed out that my accessory had no buckle or snap or any sort of collar-like snaps.

My Dom and I don't do collars in our everyday lives. Sure, we've incorporated one into our play sessions in the past, but it's not a big part of our dynamic and it's certainly not a staple of our relationship. I have never been collared or, for that matter, worn a collar out in public. (My guess is he thinks my wedding ring is good enough! lol)

So I didn't feel weird or strange or sexual wearing my accessory. To me, it was just a fun piece of jewelry to add to my normal look. It didn't mean anything about my Dom or our relationship; it wasn't related to that at all.

I still think it was funny how many people thought it was a collar, though.

Thanks for that, mainstream tv.

Changes but still good

We're dealing with more life changes. New job, car broken down, another car wrecked, and still dealing with postpartum period and anxiety related to that. Whew!

With all this going on, I don't have much time to blog. We don't have much time to have D/s or BDSM time, either.

Things are going well, though. We both pull our weight, so there is little D/s needed. Although it makes me less happy than having him be in charge, we just share the weight and the burden of our lives and it works well. I work, he works, we take care of the baby, we get dinner made, we clean, we cook, we repeat the process. I'll say that he does pick up more of the slack around the house, cooking and cleaning and doing dishes, so that I can spend our evenings with the baby, holding her or feeding her or generally spending time with her. He says it's even, one of us caring for the baby and the other taking care of the house. He doesn't mind taking care of the house so that, as he says, I can take better care of our baby. I feel grateful to have a man willing to do that.

This winter is promising to be unseasonably warm. THANK GOODNESS. I hated last winter--- cold, cold, and miserable. I've enjoyed the strangely spring-like weather. The few days of cold and rain we've had have been bearable because they rarely last more than a few days. I'm just excited for May to get here and spring to be here in earnest.

I hope all my blogger buddies out there are still writing and enjoying their lives. (*sends a friendly wave out into blogger-land*). Hope to talk to you soon!

Pinterest

I can't believe I've just discovered Pinterest! I'm still anxiously awaiting an invite. I have had 3 friends sent invites to 4 different email addresses, but NONE of them are arriving.

Sad face for me. One point to Pinterest for being choosey about invites and garnering more hype for their site.

I couldn't believe how beautiful it was. Recipes I'd love to try (or have my Dom try, hehehe), gorgeous photos full of color, my dream house, you name it.

Also, now I want to participate in a flash mob. Preferably a musical shabang of some sort. Love it.

That's all that's new here with us.... Pinterest and flash mobs.