Things are Improving

Thank to to all of you who commented on my previous post with words of encouragement and support. It really means a lot to me.

The great news is, that sad and very unhappy blog has sparked a truly great conversation in our relationship!

I didn't write anything on here that I hadn't already said to my Dom. Several times, actually. But sometimes, a change in medium helps. I personally write much better than I talk. I can think out my answers and thoughts better, I'm better at expressing myself through writing, and--most importantly--I stay organized, instead of going off on tangents that become arguments that become fights. When I talk I get wrapped up in the emotion of it all, the hidden meanings, the tones, the judgment I feel. Writing I do much better.

After I wrote that blog, I felt like a great wall had just arisen between my Dom and me. We had talked about it and talked about it, and we didn't seem to be going anywhere. I felt hurt and alone and angry and said, and I said as much.

When he called me from work, I was quiet and distant. I told him I was "fine." I said I was blogging. I  have several blogs, and I  hadn't written on this one in a long time, so I assumed he wouldn't know which one or have time to read it regardless.

A few hours later, he said he had read my blog. I felt surprised and a little embarrassed. He said, "You said you were blogging, and I knew what you were doing. I went on my phone and read it. I want to talk about it again."

Well, we'd already talked about it. I didn't want to talk anymore. I was hurt and sad.

So, to my great happiness, he decided to write me an email. When we were dating we used to write huge, long emails to each other. I love written letters! They make me feel so much more loved and cared for than regular spoken words. I adore the time and effort that goes into writing a letter. I can read and re-read the words at will. They seem so romantic and sweet. And, important for me, I can read things unemotionally, rather than imagining I hear judgment and censure via someone's tone.

I was greatly looking forward to his email. I waited and waited. Finally, it came!

His email did not magically solve all our problems. But he did go through my blog, copied and pasted it, and then responded to each section in turn. He told me how he felt. He explained his frustrations and reservations. And, something that doesn't happen in our talks-that-become-fights, he made sure to say "That's true" and "Thank you" to the things I actually do well. That rarely happens when we talk; it all becomes defensive and negative and we both blame each other. But this email also included his words of appreciation and thanks for me becoming less critical, for me trying to appreciate him, for the times I do submit as I should. It made it  much easier to hear the rest of what he had to say.

I eagerly wrote back. I defended myself. I let myself get angry and defensive, because on paper it comes across as so honest and upfront, not so hateful and angry as my tone gets about the same thing when we talk verbally.

It really let us get things aired out, discuss our grudges and negative feelings, without getting sidetracked into a terrible fight with a cycle of blame, blame, blame.

After a few emails, I had arrived to my destination for the night and he was tired of emailing. (Much as I love love love letters and emails, my Dom really prefers words.... faster and easier.) So at midnight I called him and we talked. We talked for almost 2 hours. We talked and talked and talked like we did back when we were dating and newly in love and we would just chat for hours.

Sure, there were times he was frustrated. He was angry. So was I. But because we'd read each other's emails, we were able to know where the other was coming from and understand it. I was able to say things like, "You're right. I'm sorry, and I'll work on that," instead of, "Oh yeah?! Well, YOU do THIS!" And I was also able to ask him, "Do you at least understand where I'm coming from?" and he was finally able to tell me yes.

He finally made me understand that he doesn't hate BDSM. He just hates feeling like I'm never happy. I pointed out that I do try to give him constructive, not negative, criticism, and he needs to be able to take that. And I am happy with BDSM sometimes.

One of his biggest issues he feeling like he can't trust me. He says I always wanted "more," but then I would refuse to use my safeword. He was afraid to give me "more" because he was afraid he would really damage me. I said it is hard to me to use my safeword; I want to seem tough or strong. But I know that's silly and using my safeword is not a sign of weakness. And I finally could understand how he maybe was not being as intense or rough with me as he wanted, because he was afraid he'd go too far and wouldn't know if I wouldn't use my safeword. This made me feel better, because I always just thought he was "weak" and "not dominating enough" and that he did not want a BDSM lifestyle like I did. And, of course, I admitted it was my fault for not using my safeword and I know that is something I can do more.

We still need to really work out a few things. For example, how can I tell him what I want without him feeling criticized and shutting off from BDSM? How can we find a balance between me giving in to him and him conquering me? He wants me to submit, but I want him to conquer me forcefully. We haven't come up with a solution to that yet. It's been an issue for months and maybe years, and of course we haven't solved it in one night.

But we did talk. We came to some understandings.

And most importantly, I once again feel hopeful that maybe we do want similar things from BDSM. Maybe, if I use my safeword, he will be rougher with me and not be afraid of hurting me. Maybe he can finally use me and break me and put the pieces back together, trusting me to let him know if he ever goes too far. Maybe he will feel free to "hurt" me but not "damage" me.

That is what I want. I want more, deeper, scarier, more intense. It is not abuse because if I did not trust him 100% and know he loves me 100%, I would never be okay with him treating me this way. I would never let a stranger treat me like that; it would be abuse or rape. But with my husband, where I am safe and loved and I know he will always respect my safeword, I want to be pushed and hurt and torn apart and then lovingly put back together by a man I know loves me enough to stay around and pick up the pieces. I want to share that with him.

And the good news is, for the first time, I am excited to see my Dom. Excited to think that maybe we will be "intimate" and  it will be sexy and fun and rough and intimate. I am actually looking forward to it! Because he never seems so attractive to me as when I feel like he's going to dominate me.

I hope my wishes come true and I don't get disappointed again. :-/
 
I hope we are heading somewhere good. I wanted to let my readers know that I am okay. We are okay. I hope we will be heading in a good direction together.

I will keep you updated! :-)