6/28/2012

Marriage Isn't Perfect and Neither is D/s

I'd like to thank Sara over at Finding Sara for being so open with her marital struggles. Sometimes I worry I am the only person in this blogging-lifestyle community who is not 100% happy with the D/s in her relationship. It might explain why I haven't written on my blog in so long.

I know Sara and Grant are committed to their relationship. I applaud her for both her willingness to admit they've fallen on hard times and her confidence that they will stay together. I believe they will, for the simple reason that they are both committed to staying together.

For those of us in the younger areas of our lives, newlyweds or dating or with young children, it can be hard to find that BDSM relationships do not, as books and the internet would suggest, take work in the beginning and then hit a happy equilibrium which they maintain, to the mutual joy and satisfaction of both partners, forever.

I was sort of waiting for all of the "beginner" stuff like working out contracts and getting trained and getting used to being in this lifestyle. What I didn't realize is that BDSM and D/s can actually cause a lot more conflict than just ignoring those desires and being vanilla.

But I don't think I can ever go back to being vanilla. Even if our relationship sometimes looks and feels vanilla, I won't ever be vanilla again. Not with what I know and what I've experienced. I carry that knowledge and that desire with me. I will forever.

I'll go into more detail in what's been happening in my subsequent posts... but for now, thanks to Sara for being an example and showing me I don't have to hide my struggles and problems in D/s to have a D/s blog. I don't have to be having kinky sex or an active D/s lifestyle to be a D/s person. Thanks for making me brave enough to come back and type out these words. I've missed it.

More to come...
Fondly,
Sexperts

5 comments:

painspleasure said...

I would say you are far from alone but perhaps there is a tendencey for people to only blog about the good parts which really doesnt give a clearer picture but then thats their personal choice.

No relationship is easy and M/s or D/s is a relationship so its subject to the same stresses that vanilla relationships have but just of a different nature.

Im surmmising here but i think a contribution on why some people find it a struggle after a while is because the feel of the 'newness' and excitement of it all waivers, its like the reality doesnt match up to the fantasy of what we imagined it to be like.

I have been with my Master 5 years and its a struggle, sometimes i have these yearnings of wishing i could just be 'normal' lol because its so intense at times, the feelings and emotions, the adjustments that have to be made etc it can just get so overwhelming still.

Sure there are great times, moments when it just all fits together and i wouldnt want it any other way...but its similar to a roller coaster ride full of ups and downs and i believe thats all part of the course...survive the downs and your all the more stronger for it.

Sorry for writing an essay.

tori

Sara said...

Thank you for the mention, and for your very kind support. I was (and continue to) be ambivalent about sharing the tough stuff. I'd like to "look good" like everyone else. But that is not real marriage or real life, outside of or within the BDSM lifestyle. It's nice to know there is some purpose in exposing our hardships, aside from giving me an outet!

Sara

Stormy said...

I agree, I appreciate the "real" and the nitty gritty. Often I'm embarrassed to share on my blog my silly mistakes, repeated bad habits or things I get spanked for. But I strive to be honest in this lifestyle, the ups and downs..the really perfect moments and the confusing messy stuff.

It's all a learning experience.

Conina said...

I've missed you.

It's difficult sometimes to go into the tough parts, especially when your other half reads your blog and it's a sensitive issue in the first place. Sometimes I would post about something but the momentum is lost when I am holding it until we have resolved it to our mutual satisfaction. And then the happier stuff takes over my mind and I'd much prefer to dwell on it.

Sexperts said...

@Pain, I agree, I think the "newness" wears off. BDSM is so exciting, both sexually and mentally, when you are new! But it takes work to keep it up.

@Conina, thanks! I've missed writing, too! And you are so right that it's just easier to blog about happiness when you're feeling happy.

@Stormy, I love that your blog includes honest details. It would probably be very depressing for your many devoted readers if we all thought your relationship was perfect and easy, because OURS are difficult is is nice to read about someone else's struggles and triumphs, too!