7/29/2012

The "Right" Kind of Sub

I've been perusing Submissive Guide again, getting caught up on some forum discussions and browsing new articles. I just can't make myself get onto FetLife again, since I've gotten bored with the same-ole, same-ole questions and answers about D/s and subs that have always been asked and answered, but I am dying for some new information on BDSM. That's why I started this blog; I could not find a lot of info on BDSM for newbies to the lifestyle!

But today I did find a good article on Souls Haven, and here is an excerpt:

You decide how submissive you are. You decide if you want to scene or if you want to be in a lifestyle relationship. It's your decision if you want to play with toys or if you prefer hands. It's your decision how hard "too hard" is. It's your decision if you would like to add sadism and masochism to your play or if you honestly just want to deal with the mental trust issues that D/s entails.
For me, I've tried scenes and I've tried lifestyle and everything in between. I'm still trying to find my niche. Am I D/s or BDSM or DD or Taken in Hand or CDD? I'm not sure!!!! I'm a little of all of them. Or maybe some weird mix. I don't know.

But I am definitely in agreement with this quote. It can  be easy to feel like you have to fit into a particular "box" in this lifestyle. Like if you are a sub you have to fit into the style of "sub" the websites describe, or the same for a slave or Dom or even a switch.

As a newbie, I really struggled with what kind of a sub I was. Did I want a contract or rules or not? Once I got them, they scared me and I didn't want to obey them. Did I need to be a masochist to be a sub? I tried pain play but I wasn't sure I really liked it. What I did like, however, was the mind play. I think this quote puts it better than I have ever heard it phrased, "the mental trust issues that D/s entails". This is the part I struggle with and yearn for most. I want to submit. Or, do I want to be conquered? Or do I want to be forced to submit, which is not really submitting? But I definitely don't want to be forced... It can get confusing. Just ask my Dom!

But there's really no right or wrong. The only true difficulty is in finding what kind of a sub I am, what kind of Dom my husband is, and then finding what kind of D/s we want to have. This is hard for us, and we've been working at it on and off for three years. We really aren't sure exactly what we want. I think he needs to think about it more and I need to think about it less. ;-)  And also, I think it is easier for us than perhaps it is for some other subs and Doms, because the norm on FetLife and the web seems to be that most people in this lifestyle aren't monogamous and try scenes with multiple partners, sometimes just as a trial run and maybe only once with the same person. I'm sure for those people, it can be really hard not to fall into the trap of believing that there is one kind of "right sub" because if they are not the style of sub that Dom is looking for, they can feel guilty and like a disappointment. It's not to say my Dom and I don't struggle with this sometimes, trying to mesh our ideas and frustrations with what we want, but a lot of that difficulty becomes a non-issue because we don't play with other people.

I wonder sometimes what it would be like to play with someone else, but it takes too much trust and vulnerability to ever try that, so we've agreed playing with other partners would be too close to adultery, even if there were no sex involved. Therefore, I am spared having to deal with new Doms and new styles, and I can just concentrate on trying to figure out what the heck is going on in my own marriage. :-)

2 comments:

BleuAme said...

Really thoughtful post.
I think most of us who are in a D/s relationship have the topic of "am I the right sub? Am I doing this correctly?" run through our minds. Its all about finding out what works for you in the construct of your relationship.
Thanks for sharing the piece from Souls Haven :o)

absinthepassion said...

In an official format, I'm so new to the scene I'm still in the nurses station being swaddled; Mrs. AP and I have only been delving into recognizable BDSM for about 6 months, but we've had elements of the power play and sensual Dom/sub play as part of our natural repertoire since we met 2 and a half years ago. What I've figured out for myself thus far is that there is no "right" kind of sub, nor is there a "right" kind of Dom. I do believe that without attentiveness, care, and respect for your partner that things will not work well, but beyond that, it's about doing what works for the couple. No matter how the dynamic develops, or how it is perceived externally, as long as what is being done works for the couple then that is the right way for the couple.

Stay SINful
Mr. AP