10/19/2012

Sex problems

My new sub angst (or not so new) is how to combine my ideas of D/s and our real life.

I want a great sex life. I want to be turned on by my husband. I want to want him. My perfect scenario would be we have great D/s control almost every day, with kissing or making out or messing around most days, and sex 1-3 times a week but still sexual activity most days. In this scenario I would want him and would be eager for sex and we'd both enjoy it.

But it's not that way. I don't want sex. If he initiates it I shrink away, feeling scared and sick and sort of disgusted. If he continues I might get into it just because he's controlling me, but then after a few minutes I get bored and I just resent him because I think it's taking FOREVER and why can't he just come in 5 minutes?

And then I resent him because it seems he either wants sex or nothing. I miss when we were dating and we weren't having sex. Because our "sex life" was much better then. We made out, it was hot and heavy and sexy. We messed around a lot and would spend hours pleasing each other and it was great. That never happens now. He wants sex, or I don't want sex, and we don't do anything.

I want to want sex. But I don't.

I have dreams where I am turned on by him. I want him, the way I used to. Arousal and orgasm are so much better in these dreams. But, when real life comes, I barely get turned on. I can come with a vibrator, but it's nothing compared to an emotional orgasm with someone I love and who knows how to please me. It feels good, but impersonal, and it has nothing to do with him.

When I use my vibrator I try to think about him. I try to imagine he is bossing me around and telling me what to do and I am so mentally turned on. But it is hard to maintain that fantasy. It's been too long. It is easier to just enjoy the physical sensations and not think about him at all. And then, when my mind starts to wander, I picture a new, tall, muscular man who dominates me completely. And then I feel guilty for not picturing my husband and I have to concentrate on not picturing anyone.

I need to get mentally engaged in our sex life again. But how?

10 comments:

HisLilAngel said...

This is going to sound horribly simplified. Stop Thinking so much.

Have you talked to your Husband about how you feel? Maybe for a bit it's time to remove your Dom/sub hats and really speak honestly and equally about how you are feeling. The D/s relationship to me doesn't belong in a marriage where one is not feeling connected whether its emotionally or sexually, spiritually or whatever. It cannot work unless you are connected on all levels. The fact you are shrinking away from Him is troubling obviously to you. Your Husband I am sure is an intelligent man. He KNOWS how you feel. It likely doesn't make approaching you for anything easy or fun or sexy. I say put away your vibrator. Do NOT use it. Ever. As his wife (not his sub) approach him, tell him what you need, tell him that you need to feel connected to him, and how he can help you to do that. Do NOT shrink away from him, take what you want, don't think and just do. Give more sometimes than you think you can or want to. That doesn't mean you have sex every time he wants to but you have to put forth the effort. If this helps to bring you both back to a place you feel better connected bring back the D/s dynamic.

Now, this is coming from reading one post, and not knowing much about either of you. Maybe a sex therapist (kink aware) can help?

Leslie said...

First, I just found your blog today. I don't normally do blogs, but will read yours from now on. I'm am a very committed Christian, and newly learned I am a submissive and am married to a vanilla husband.

I was so afraid to tell my husband about my recent self-awareness. We have been married 13 years and are very much committed. However, when I did become open and honest with him, he has been learning some things to help - at least in the intimate times. He's not capable of the relationship side of it, but hey, it's a start.

I agree about the communication. talk to him about how you feel, and don't be afraid of how he will feel. A D's role is to take care of his sub. He will. Maybe you just need more variety. And I can tell you, physical attraction fades and grows. The same with emotional. It's the commitment you have to make it work that will carry you through those times. Try to reintroduce the things that made you desire him (remind him of those). He could also be in his own rut, and may need some fresh ideas. Maybe he's having some internal battles as well. It's VERY important to be honest in any relationship, but especially in the D/s relationship. Just keep working at it. Something will click and you'll be on your way again.

Renee Rose said...

Hmm... I relate to some of this, except it was before we discovered D/s. That was the missing link for me. (I'd prefer masturbating to thoughts of being spanked than to have sex with my husband). Maybe there's still a missing piece for you. Something you fantasize about that you're not incorporating maybe?

I also like the rule that I can never refuse him, because the idea of that brings in the D/s, which turns me on, so it's a happy cycle.

A friend said to me once, "sex is the most important thing and the least important thing in a marriage." On one hand, it's just sex, but it can be the compass to follow to a solid relationship.

hugs.

Zaylindia said...

When I have been "taking care of myself", I find that it can be harder to come with my husband. I realize that I am only commenting on a small aspect of your post and please don't take me as being critical.
BTW, I have been lurking around your blog for about a month now...this is my first comment :D I have really enjoyed your openness and honesty about your experience. I too am a Christian, married and now a new to my husband. I look forward to reading your posts in the future! Thank you so much for a Christian perspective. I have really been encouraged.

lil said...

Oh man do I know "wanting to want" sex.
Wish I had some bright ideas for you, but the best I can say it that over-thinking doesn't help much. I know because it's something I am extremely good at...

Toni said...

Very nice blog.

Toni said...

Have you tried new things? It always helps me when we try new toys :)

Nisza Lirra said...

Hi, first of all I'm sorry for my English. Secondly - I know exactly what you mean. I'm also in D/s relationship and we're having quite similar problems. We're trying to go through, as long with good result. I still don't know how it comes to an end. If you want to talk some times, I'm leaving my e-mail:

kalirrka@gmail.com

Mike said...

Can you arrange some (or more) time apart? Even just a weekend now and again. Missing him might be a good tonic, and temporary separation is always good for perspective on a relationship anyway.

Anonymous said...

Have never commented on your blog before, but if you are taking SSRI's, they have a negative impact on libido.

From what I've read, Wellbutrin is one of the only SSRI's that doesn't decrease libido or cause weight gain.