Yesterday, my Dom and I were having a talk about God, sex, BDSM, and the Bible.
Yes, all those topics were the
same conversation.
Well, I'm that type of female who gets more turned on by talking then by doing. I've always been this way. I can read and research some BDSM technique for days and get far more hot than if m
y Dom had actually done it to me. I get more turned on by him whispering into my ear the things he wants to do to me than by actually doing the physical things themselves---just ask him sometime about a train ride in France. (It took us two hours to get home, and since we were on a train we settled for talking about what he wanted to do to me and writing down nasty names for him to call me. The end result was that, after all that talking, I was so incredibly turned on that I came immediately upon being touched once we got home, and that NEVER happens just from physical stimulation!)
We were discussing the difference in submission for a Christian woman as opposed to a sub or slave from a different religion. I was trying to share with him that, for me, it might be easier if he used terminology such as
ezer, doule, handmaiden, and
helpmeet, because those are terms that bear directly to my life and that I'm familiar with and comfortable with. Those are terms that mean something to me, terms I'm friends with and know what to do with, terms I've been acquainted with for years and already incorporated into my self-identity and my faith. On the other hand, terms such as
sub, slave, Master, and
submit, when taken in their purely secular forms, are fairly new to me and I struggle more with them.
I'd never thought about this before. But I knew that often, I had trouble "submitting." Other women who are subs or slaves seemed to do it so easily, just casting aside their "self" and submitting to a man. As a secular woman, this is foreign to me. I'm smart, educated, savvy, well-traveled, and self-confident. I struggled so much with casting aside myself just for the benefit of my equally imperfect, equally human Dom.
But to submit through Christ.... ahh, that was a concept I could sink my teeth into! To submit not as a secular woman, but as a Christian woman, a beloved of Christ, a handmaiden of the Lord, a servant and daughter of the One True God---that, I could do. It had never occurred to me until I read a blog by a fellow Christian submissive woman (more on that later), but once I read it, something clicked.
My Dom and I retired to bed and he "squished my head" (one of my most frequent requests, because I love to feel confined and safe) while I felt as safe as I needed to and he waited. When I was ready, I began to explain to him my new thoughts and revelations. I halting explained that while as a secular woman, submission was foreign, new, and unpracticed for me, if he could make me see that submission as linked to our faith, a new facet of submission would be opened to us. I told him that submitting to him, not because he's a man or a Dom, but because he's my spiritual head, caretaker of my soul, and the one responsible for my wellbeing and that of my children---that kind of submission, submission not to him but
to God through him, that kind of submission I could do.
And as we talked and I opened my heart and he received it, I started to feel good. I began to get turned on.... I started to feel calm, drowsy, and dreamy, a welcome return to subspace after a frustrating inability to reach it for months and months... I started to feel closer to God than I had in a while and subsequently, closer to him. I suddenly realized that it had been struggle for me to try to reconcile being a
kinster and a
Christian, two identities I'd tried to keep separate but also tried to force together like two opposing magnets. And the struggle melted away as I realized I didn't have to be two opposing identities, but one complementary one: a Christian submissive. Not a secular submissive who also tried to be Christian, but a Christian submissive.
To submit to my Dom because he said so? Difficult. But to submit to my Dom the way I'd submitted before to my God, not because a human told me to but because my Lord and God called me to it in
Ephesians 5:22? That I could do. I felt at peace, I felt loved, and I felt calm and turned on.
The most beautiful scene ensued.
I'm not sure how it happened; I asked my Dom how he read me so well and he said, "I just did." He couldn't explain it, but suddenly he seemed to be so much more in tune with me than normal. Usually, I feel like I'm in the scene wanting one thing, and he's doing the scene another way. Today, something in the air clicked.
I felt dreamy and like I
wanted to submit to him. I wanted to submit to him because I loved him and because I loved God. Rather than him having to fight and force me into submission, I laid there, calm and serene. I felt needy and vulnerable, so I was unhappy when he tried to force me to do things; I wanted him to treat me gently like the husband in
Ephesians 5:25-28. And so he was commanding, but not bossy; strong, but not forceful. He told me simply what he wanted and asked me to please do it. He stated his desires clearly: "I want you to bare your breasts to me. I want to use these clamps and I want you to hurt." His words turned me on even more as I dreamily obeyed and bared my most sensitive parts to his pain.
The metal chain was cold on my chest. I felt sexy with the chain dripping down between my nipples. I felt strong as I withstood the pain. I felt loved as he hurt me in ways I wanted to be hurt. I felt victorious as I took the pain for him and knew that this pleased him. I felt obedient as I thought about my Dom leading me to the Lord as my appointed spiritual head on Earth. I felt grateful that he wanted to hurt me and lead me in all the ways I wanted.
He gently turned me over and began to spank me. Feeling as calm and relaxed as I did, the paddle did not hurt as much as it had before, and I was able to take the pain and absorb it. Somehow, he read me perfectly. Sometimes I had to take deep breaths and remind myself not to tense up and fight the pain, but mostly I stayed calm and limp. In between spanks he rubbed my back and told me how great I was doing, how strong I was, and how pleased with me he was. It made me happy in the most frivolous way, and I beamed as I enjoyed my wondeful back massage.
The next time he spanked me, it felt good. Instead of raising the intensity each spank like he normally did, he got me to a new place--a wonderful place on the perfect knife's edge balance between pleasure and pain, a place where I moaned with pleasure as I absorbed the pain--and kept me there. He maintained the same level of strikes, and he could have stayed there forever and I'd have been happy. Instead, he raised the level a bit more to push me. He must have felt very connected to me, because just when the pain was becoming too much and I started to think that one more was going to be too much, he stopped.
We stayed that way, alternating between spanks and back rubs, until it was time to go pick a friend up from the airport.
I felt so dreamy and safe during that scene. I wanted him to keep feeding my spiritual, submissive side, talking about BDSM and the Bible and Godly submission on the way to the airport. Instead, life cut in and I had to come back out of my head, start thinking and analyzing and worrying and planning again. I wistfully wished I could go back to our bedroom and my "safe place."
I hope this is a new beginning for me and for us.... a new journey, not struggling toward the unachievable secular submission, but now flowing toward a Godly submission commanded by the Bible, inspired by Christ Jesus, and directed toward God and my Dom.... first to and through the human, and ultimately to the Lord.
