The Servanthood of a Master

"Masters have to be more selfless than anyone."

This gem of a quote was taken from Fetlife member Seya, and I thank her for it.

I don't know is Seya is a Christian or not, but it spoke worlds to me. It's not a popular thought, certainly, that Masters (and Doms, tops, Daddies, Mommies, trainers, the list goes on...) would have to be anything but completely selfish, egotistical, self-pleasing sex machines. Some people have this idea that Masters must be the most selfish people in the world and all subs and slaves must be doormats.

Well, that's not always true.

But first let's talk about the times when it is true. There is no right or wrong way to do BDSM, so everyone gets to decide what is "right" in their relationship. Some Masters really do control everything about the slave and receive great satisfaction from having every sexual and emotional whim catered to. Likewise, there are some subs and slaves that honestly love to put their Master's needs first and live a completely selfless lifestyle. In these relationships, both members have carefully designed the relationship to fit their needs, and hopefully everyone is happy.

Then there are some Masters--usually single and trolling online dating and fetish sites--that seem to think that's what they want and that's what they're entitled to. They can't tell the difference between "a sub" and "MY sub." They automatically assume they can boss around every person who claims to be submissive without regarding that person's needs. It's sad but true: Fetlife and CollarMe are chock full of wanna-be Doms and Masters who will write a sub, completely ignoring the sub's profile, list of requirements, interests and kinks, or relationship status, and give them a list of commands that is both dirty and gross. I'm yet to meet a sub this worked on, but maybe they're out there.

But that's not the way it works in Christian relationships.

At least, not mine.

My Dom has far more asked of him than he asks of me. He takes the words of Scripture very seriously:

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.
-Ephesians 5:28

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing. -1 Peter 3:-9

My Dom tries to love me like God loves the Son, like Christ loves the Church, the way a man should love his wife. This calls for that popular Christian term, servant leadership.

Is he the Dom? Yes. It is always easy for us? No. Not with a fiery red-headed control freak in the house and a calm, people-pleasing man!

But he does it for me.

First Peter talks about husbands loving their wives as the "weaker partner." I've read commentaries that refer to women being physically weaker. My Dom and I agree that not only am I smaller and less strong physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. Sure, I'm a daughter of the Most High God and a powerhouse, but I still struggle. The world hurts me more than it hurts him. My feelings get hurt easier, I cry sooner, I whine more, I'm needier and more clingy, and I am more prone to doubts and valleys in my relationship with God.

So my Dom tries to do what God intends for him to do: be compassionate and humble. Even with me, his sub.

When I snap at him and am impossible to please, he forgives me and holds me.

When I'm stressed and unhappy, he puts his own stresses aside and holds me and "squishes my head" (my favorite safe-feeling position).

When I yell at him three times in one day over something stupid, then come crawling back saying how sorry I am, he is quick to forgive and let go. He does not repay insults in kind, but with blessings.

He wants to show me how God loves me.

So you'll see my manly Dom holding me and reassuring me instead of getting sex. Yes, and you'll even find him telling me that's okay, and he doesn't want to have sex if it will hurt or frighten me.

Yep, ladies and gentlemen, here is a Dom who puts my needs first.

You'll see him hopping up from the couch to bring me more food or water because I'm tired and I've had a hard day, even though he has, too. You'll see him crawling out of our warm bed because I just realized I forgot to lock the door. You'll see him giving me a loving back massage every night because I am terribly prone to physical ailments like knots and tensions that cause me pain. And because I like them.

I used to worry that made me the Domme and him the sub, because he was serving. But then I realized, he may have been serving, but I wasn't leading. And for me to be the Domme, I'd have to play the leader to his servant. Instead, he was leading me--and sometimes, that meant serving me. I was just the lucky recipient of his ministrations---not because I'd asked for them, not because I deserved them, but because he wanted to take care of me, body and soul.

Sounds a bit like Jesus, doesn't it?

In the bedroom, he still leads. He is the one pulling hair, slapping faces, calling names, and giving commands. I am the one trembling in terrified ecstasy to see where he'll take me next. But even sexually, my Dom is giving. Just like in the other areas of our life, he wants me to be taken care of. Like a good Master, he takes care of the needs of his sub. And so normally, you'll see him going without sex if I need to be held instead. You won't see him pushing anal sex on me because he knows it makes me uncomfortable. If I start to look uncomfortable or if I safeword out of a scene, my Dom stops and holds me, which makes me realize once again how terribly concerned he is about my safety and wellbeing. Most of the time, he brings me to multiple orgasms and then holds me as we drift to sleep, never once complaining about blueballs or a lack of attention to his Domly Organ. Why? Because he knows I'm uncomfortable with sex, and particularly penises, after several bad experiences in my past. So he doesn't push me to service him, or even to touch him if I don't want it, knowing that to do so would just freak me out and send me right back to being a victim. At first, I thought he was just waiting patiently for me to "get over it" and give him some, but after months and months and months of this behavior, I've finally realized that he really is content just to make me happy.

He makes me happy by leading me, and he leads me by serving me.

And that, my friends, is the servanthood of a Master.