My question is, is that a bad thing?
I often worry that my relationship with my fiance (both vanilla and BDSM) is codependent.
Why do I worry about this? Because when I have strong feelings, such as jealousy, guilt, or a need for him to love me and only me, it is then followed by guilt telling me I'm codependent. Is this because I'm codependent? Or is it because a counselor once told me I was codependent? Does that make me MORE codependent? Hmmm.
Below are some questions I've taken from other sites, along with my own personal answers. Feel free to copy and paste these questions into your own blog or journal if you feel so inclined.
Codependency Questions:
- Am I sacrificing my identity, desires, or needs to make the other person feel good about themselves or to keep the peace? No, if anything I jump too quickly and vehemently to my own defense because I am so used to doing this in the past with my mother. It causes me to take NO crap from my Dom.
- Am I expecting my behavior to make me feel loved and or accepted? Yes. It seems unreasonable to me that someone would love me even if I were mean, nasty, negative, nagging, and did no nice things for them. So I do things to try to make him happy so he feels in love with me still.
- Am I trying to "manipulate" the other person to do or feel the way I think is appropriate? Sure, I will often fight with him, punish him, or give the silent treatment because I want him to feel or act a certain way. Isn't this what all fights are about---changing a person's actions/feelings because you don't agree with them?
- Am I being compliant with the other person's desires just to keep peace even when I don't agree or want to participate in the particular activity? Nope, never do this! lol
- Am I agreeing with the person so that I won't be rejected? Nope, never do this either!
- Is my happiness bound up in what the other person thinks about what I say or do? Absolutely. If my Dom weren't happy with a decision I made or something I said/did, I'd be crushed. I worry constantly about what he and other people think.
From http://www.nmha.org/go/codependency - 1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments? No, lol, I had enough of that in my childhood and have become quite the little fighter! I'm ferocious! (smiles)
- 2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you? Yes, I worry all the time about this. Even people I hate and am mad at, I worry if they might be mad at me. I worry about why people don't like me. I worry that my friends don't actually like me for who I am and just hang out with me from habit or because they feel sorry for me. I worry that my parents like my brother more and think he's better than me. I worry that people at work are judging me behind my back. When I try to make a new friend, I worry I'm anoying them by being too forward or pushy or talking about myself too much. With old friends, I worry I annoy them by calling too much or talking about my life too much. Even when my best friend doesn't call for a few days I worry I've made him mad or he no longer wants to be friends. But I don't tend to worry so much about my Dom's opinion of me, because I know he loves me no matter what.
- 3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem? No.
- 4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you? Yes, my mother!
- 5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own? I try not to make them so, but sometimes they are. In my head I'll tell myself it's stupid, I shouldn't care about their opinion, and to screw it, but I keep worrying uncontrollably about it anyway. My head tries to stop it but my emotions take over.
- 6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home? Not sure what this means exactly...
- 7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends? Yes. I feel very insecure and jealous when my Dom is with family or friends. I'm afraid if I don't have him under my watchful eye, he'll have more fun without me and stop needing me or realize I'm not as great as he thought before and I'll lose a part of his heart.
- 8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be? I used to, but not anymore.
- 9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others? Not with my Dom, but with friends and family I worry that I will offend them if I need to say something negative. I still try to be strong and tell them, however.
- 10. Have you ever felt inadequate? Sure, who hasn't? Are they trying to say feeling occasionally inadequate makes someone codependent?!
- 11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake? It depends on the mistake. If it's a small mistake that has to do with forgetting to do something, no. But if it's a mistake that has to do with disappointing someone, yes!!! Getting bad evaluations or angering my Dom or anything where people are not happy with my performance makes me feel miserable, like a failure and an awful person.
- 12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts? No, I love them! :)
- 13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake? Yes, when my Dom does something like make an awkward joke in public I feel very embarrassed by him.
- 14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts? No, I think they are all mostly healthy, happy people! I used to surround myself with less healthy people, but not longer.
- 15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done? No, my Dom does amazingly at this!
- 16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss? Nope!
- 17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life? Well, I do tend to drift from job to job, but I know who I am with no problem. It is more what I want from life and where I'm going professionally that I'm not sure about.
- 18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help? I used to, and I still feel guilty, but now I'm great at saying "No!" to people when I don't want to do something---in fact, my mother would say I'm too independent and focused on pleasing myself!
- 19. Do you have trouble asking for help? Not from people I trust.
- 20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them? No, I've become a good time manager and I keep myself from getting too overloaded.
From http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/codependency.htm - Do you find yourself making decisions based on other people's opinions? Often, yes. But I don't want to! It frustrates me that I can't tune out their opinions even when I WANT to. So for big things, such as my job or wedding planning, I often make the decision without asking opinions from my mom or someone else who I know I'll just let bowl me over.
- Is it important to you that people like you and want to be your friend? Absolutely! I want EVERYONE to like me! My Dom is not like this and is okay with the fact that some people don't like him, and I wish I could be like that, but I'm not.
- Do you have a strong desire to help others, but deep down you know you do it so that they will like or love you? Yes, I caught myself doing this the other day---I helped my good friend with her wedding stuff, but mostly it was because I was hurt she didn't pick me to be her maid of honor and I wanted to "prove" that I should be her maid of honor. However, I don't do this for my Dom---I know he loves me no matter what, which is why I'm often lazy and let him to the lion's share of cleaning, cooking, doing favors, shopping, and taking care of me. I know I don't have to be the Selfless, Giving Wonder with him and I can be my selfish, wants-to-be-pampered-for-once self and he'll still love me. I'm lucky!
- Do you seem to notice everyone else's problems and have a need to tell them what you think they should do to solve them? No, not so much. I certainly have opinions, and I'll give them once, but then I let the person make his own mistakes and stop pushing.
- Do you feel anxious, angry or upset when people don't do things you want them to do, or do things the way you want them to do them? Yes, of course! I put a lot of thought into the "right" way to do things, so once I have it figured out I feel my Dom should do it that way! :) I'm also pretty OCD so I feel stressed if things change or aren't done the "right" way or the way I expect.
- Do you find yourself in relationships where you do all the giving and the other person does all the taking? Not anymore.... those sucked!
- Are you involved in activities that demand all of your time and energy and you are neglecting your family or yourself? No, I put myself first and my family next and everything else comes after.
Interesting questions! :)
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