Turn-ons and Turn-offs

Communication is so important in any relationship, and especially in a BDSM one, where lack of communication could mean emotional mistakes and physical pain. The more we communicate, the better we know one another, the more we understand how to turn one another one (emotionally and physically), and the more we can avoid hitting a raw nerve in the relationship.

Want to help your communication?

Both you and your spouse should write down your top 10 turn-ons and top 10 turn-offs. Don't share!

Once you're done, you should sit down and discuss the list. Don't just swap lists and read each other's silently. Go through each item one by one together, discussing it, asking questions, giving examples, and really making a discussion about it. You'll learn so much more about each other that way!

Don't judge each other's responses. Just discuss. The point here isn't to try to convince your spouse he's wrong or that she should change her mind, but to understand them better.

To give you an example, here are my top 10 turn-offs and turn-ons.

Turn-Offs:

• men who make me feel physically less feminine (short, thin, small hands and feet, unattractive, girly)
  whining
  not taking responsibility for your own actions/making excuses
  disregard for the less fortunate
  not caring when I'm upset
  certain smells (hot sauce, smoke, bad breath)
  cruelty to animals
  lack of chivalry and manners
  lying. Lying. LYING! Did I mention lying? Or any sort of dishonesty.
  male masturbation.

Turn-Ons:

• A warm smile and personality
• being good with kids and animals
• a light, clean scent
• selflessness
• physically making me feel feminine (being tall, having big hands and feet and dick, leading me with your hand at the small of my back)
• being extra thoughtful
• worrying about me
• being traditionally masculine
• talking dirty to me
• being vocal in bed (lots of feedback, moaning, etc.)