BDSM Identity Crisis... my ramblings

I'm finding myself afraid of BDSM lately.

My Dom wants to play, and part of me thinks, "Yes! Finally, yay!" and most of me shrinks back and changes the subject or pretends I didn't hear or says no.

Then I wonder why I do that, since most of the time it is me who is complaining about how he never wants to dominate me and how can I feel dominated when it is only once or twice a month?I get so mad at him for not being strong and dominating most of the time. To me, being "a Dom" for one or two evenings a month is not being a Dom at all, it is playing. And there is nothing wrong with playing! There are lots of people who don't do BDSM 24/7, but just dabble in it in the bedroom or sometimes, when it is convenient or fun. We definitely fall into that category. But to me, it doesn't feel real. It feels like playing. "Okay, you pretend to be submissive to me and I'll pretend to be strong enough to dominate you. Go!" And then at the end of the scene, we end up right back to where we were before: a strong, independent woman and a complacent, pleasing man.

There's nothing wrong with playing. But I want more! I hate feeling like our BDSM dynamic is just a pretend game we both play. I can't get into it like it's real. I pretend, and for a moment I believe, but then later I am sad again. Nearly every time I get tired or high, I feel an overwhelming need to be dominated in MOST of my life, and I resent him for only doing it every once it a while. Yet I don't want him to be a commandeering asshole. I want him to lead through quiet, unshakable strength. I want more!

Yet sometimes I don't want more. When we tried rules and structure (completely my idea), I freaked out and bailed. When we tried CDD, I was so turned on by the idea of it---a strong man leading me, protecting me, guiding me, having power over me? Hot! I wanted it. I yearned for it. But when we tried it, reality sat in and I bailed. I called it off. I was too scared. I feared he'd just disappoint me and go back to being his normal not-dominating self. This is my issue, but it scared me.

Also, he seems to think that for us to have a fulltime D/s dynamic, I need to be more submissive. On the other hand, I think he needs to be more dominant. I don't want to bow down and pretend to be weak so he can rule me. I want him to swell with power and confidence so even my strongest is not as strong as him. I don't want to dampen my power and strength, pretend to be weak and submissive, and lessen myself so I'm under him. I want to be as strong and powerful as I can be, and know that he is man enough to top even that. I want him to rise to the occasion, not me shrink to it. I want to give a man my best, my all, my everything, and have it welcomed by him and yet still undeniably beaten by him. I don't want to submit, I want him to dominate.

Sometimes I think that I am not a sub. I think he wants a sub. Someone who doesn't expect him to be Great and Powerful and Awe-Inspiring, but who sees him and thinks he is that way already, without trying to be more than he is. And that is what I want. I want More Than He Is.

Doule (a Christian kinkster on Fetlife) had a very good post, a long time ago, about how labels help us identify people we have something in common with. Sharing a label doesn't mean you will have something in common, but it means you might. There is the potential for dialogue there. Maybe you talk and find out you don't have much in common, but if you identify as "sub" and so do I, we already know we are not "slaves," not "puppies," not "Mistresses," and not "vanilla." It gives us something to explore together and assume we might have something in common. Labels are good for that very reason.... they help us define, categorize, and seek similarities.

On the other hand, labels can be very confusing. Am I a "sub"? What does that mean? Labels can lead to steroetypes and confusing identities. My idea of sub is not necessarily your idea of a sub. That is why BDSM is, and should be, so focused on communication.

Am I a sub? Maybe not. Sometimes my Dom tells me, sounding resentful and petulant, that I'm not a sub. He uses that favorite catchphrase of Doms, "You're topping from the bottom." This makes me feel resentful toward him. When he says that, I feel like he's trying to blame me for something that I feel is his fault. He thinks I should be more submissive, and I think he should just be more dominating. I'd rather expect more out of him than expect less out of me. How could you be happy in a life where one of you was constantly asked to be less than your full potential? I know he loves me and doesn't see it that way, but I do.

So then I look at labels. Maybe I'm not a sub, because I'm not naturally submissive. I'm not a slave, because I don't identify as owned (sometimes I want to, but I've never met anyone I thought could dominate me 24/7 so I felt owned). I'm not a sex slave or service-minded submissive. Maybe I'm a bottom. But no, I don't really enjoy physical pain or spanking. I only like spanking or being beaten because it means I have fought and I am beaten. I don't enjoy the pain, but I like being dominated. I enjoy being tied up, gagged, and my hair pulled for the same reason. Sometimes I love to be called bad names and slapped, and other times (like last night) it just hurts my feelings. I like to be challenged, to have a male opponent worthy of my fight, who welcomes all I have to give and laughs and defeats me utterly anyway. Does that make me, as Jake'sKajira (another FetLife friend) once wrote a blog about, long for a predator/prey dynamic? Or as some Christian websites discuss, do I want a relationship like in Christian Domestic Discipline? I'm not sure. I don't want to kneel at his feet and serve him, but I'd be willing to do it if he could defeat me utterly. I'm not a submissive, but I want to be dominated. I like to be used, but I hate being used. I long to be defeated, but I hate to lose. It's complicated, right? I know.

What is the label for someone who does not want to submit, does not want to be owned, does not want to serve, but longs to be dominated?

I love languages, and I love labels. So of course I went to the wonderful Word Reference to try and find a way to define myself, to find out what puzzle piece I am so I know where I fit into the overall puzzle. It says To dominate: tower above, to master, to overcome. To rule, to hold sway, to prevail, to stand out. Yes! I don't always want it, but I often long for it. I want stars in my eyes as I look up at a man who has completely dominated and humbled the best I have to offer. Who sees me for the strong woman I am and cherishes that quality, but who has vanquished me completely anyway.

Word Reference can maybe help me find a label for myself. Not that I need one, but I'd feel better. I'd have a word for my identity, not a badly articulated three-page blog. In English, being "the dominated" or "one who is overcome" does not make sense. But in Spanish or French, two languages near and dear to my heart, I could be la dominada or la dominée. Maybe in English I could be "prey" or "Domme who is dominated," who knows? I don't identify as a Domme, but I am completely unwilling to make myself weaker so my husband can be a "Dom." I want the best of my strength against the best of his, and I want him to win.

I've told him that, and he asked me, "What if you are stronger than me?" I worry about the same thing. It means I will never be fulfilled and never have exactly what I want. I'm not even sure what I want, other than some vague idea of BDSM dynamics that come close, but I've never seen it exactly.

What if I am stronger than he is? That's scary for both of us. It means all we can ever do is play-act at BDSM. A few times a month, he'll pretend to be stronger than me and I'll pretend that's enough for me. I hate to live part of my life as a lie. He says that when he does try to Dom me, I complain about how he's doing it. It's true I have a longing and I'm not sure how to articulate it, except to tell him when he's NOT meeting what I want. But I'm not sure how to get what I want. And I'm not sure if it's what he wants. He's clear that me having another Dom is not an option, so it's this or nothing.

Do I pretend to be something I'm not (a submissive)? Or do I keep complaining until I get what I want (topping from the bottom)? Does the perfect BDSM relationship even exist?

Somehow, I need more.