Pain vs. Control: Why Do People Sub?

Why is it that men and women who are educated, smart, efficient businessmen, professionals, teachers, doctors, educators, and students in their everyday lives are willing to go home and be bossed around, hit, controlled, beaten, and used? For many "vanilla" people, this is difficult to understand.

While I can't attempt to describe why each individual chooses to become a sub, I believe it boils down to two main reasons: pain and control. If you feel yourself drawn to a submissive lifestyle, you are probably drawn to at least one of these reasons (and maybe both).

Let's start with pain, since it is the most well-known in the vanilla world. After all, subs who like to be whipped and beaten by their lovers are much more likely to get vanilla attention than one who just likes to be ordered around!

Some people are addicted to pain. In the BDSM world, they are often called "pain sluts." A masochist is the technical term. These people may enjoy playing the bottom in a BDSM scene because they enjoy the catharsis of pain. It triggers endorphins and a "high" floods the body. Pain and pleasure are so closely interconnected that they can easily be confused, and pain can heighten pleasure and vice-versa. Pain sluts may also enjoy control in BDSM play, but they don't have to; they are there for the thrill of the pain. You can tell these people because in a sex store, they are the ones looking longingly at the whips, needles, canes, paddles, and floggers.

Some subs, however, are completely against any physical pain but love to be controlled. Physically or emotionally, they want to be overpowered by a strong Dom or Mistress. They crave letting go and letting someone else take the wheel. These people are often into what we call humiliation play, rape play, child play, animal play, or dirty talk. You can spot these people at BDSM events because, while the pain sluts are already tied to a St. Andrew's cross and screaming happily as a top beats them, the "control" subs are probably holding their Mommy's hand, sitting obediently next to their Trainer with a collar and leash, or quietly serving their Domme another beverage.

Let's think of BDSM as a spectrum. On the far side are activities to do with pain. These include flogging, cutting, whipping, needle play, hot wax, pinching, biting, genital torture, hitting, punching, ball-stomping (yes, it's what it sounds like), and other things that require pain but not necessarily control. On the far other side of the spectrum are BDSM scenes that require lots of verbal, emotional, and physical control but no pain: these can include Parent/child scenes, dirty talk, humiliation, bondage, or being caged. And then of course there are the activities that fall somewhere wonderfully in between the two, such as rape scenes, animal play, branding, and spanking.

It goes without saying that to heighten an experience for a sub, you want to know what turns this particular sub on. Say you want to do a rape scene. If your sub simply adores control but isn't so much into pain, your scene will probably include lots of dirty talk, physically controlling her body, humiliating her, or tying her up. If your sub leans more to the pain side of things, you may focus more on fucking her hard, hitting and punching her, whipping her, and being sure to leave lots of lovely bruises.

Most scenes in BDSM can incorporate both elements; this is fortunate since many subs enjoy both elements. For example, I don't like pain for pain's sake, but I do enjoy being hurt if it makes me feel more controlled. It all depends on how my Dom approaches the pain.

If you are a sub wondering which side of the spectrum you fall on, or a Dom who is unsure what your sub likes, take a look at the following list and see which numbers seem hottest or most appealing to you:

1. Your Dom ties you up, then fucks you hard, pinching your nipples and spanking your ass.
2. Your Dom ties you up, then slowly inserts a vibrator and makes fun of you as you try not to come.
3. Your Dom has you lay down on the bed, then paddles you as hard as he can. In between spanks, he pulls your hair and slaps your thighs.
4. Your Dom has you lay down on the bed and tells you sternly you've been a bad girl. As a punishment, he paddles you hard and forces you to say "Thank you, sir," after each one until he thinks you've learned your lesson.
5. Chili sauce is wiped on your anus and genitals and your Dom enjoys watching you squirm and scream.
6. You are chained like a puppy and humiliated, forced to pee on the carpet, and eat mushy food from a dog bowl while your Dom watches.
7. Your Dom figs you before spanking.
8. Your Dom plays Daddy and watches you carefully color a painting, insisiting you get the paint perfectly between the lines before he lets you play or receive an orgasm.

If you think the odd numbers sounded hotter, you are probably more of a pain slut. If the even numbers made you most wet or hard, you enjoy mental and emotional control.

Of course, control can be used to inflict pain, and pain can be used to exercise control. Many of these activities can be tailored to exactly fit a sub's desires (or to exactly be the opposite, if your bad little horsie needs to be punished!). The better you know yourself and your partner, the more fun you will have. Go forth and torture. Enjoy!