7/13/2011

Opening Myself to Pain

In the BDSM world we have what are called "pain sluts." These are masochists who enjoy pain.

I've never been one of those. I didn't like pain with my sex. I might have liked some domination and humiliation, but pain wasn't really my cup of tea.

This was true when I married my Dom. He didn't really seem interested in hurting me, either.

When I did more research on BDSM and we started trying new things, I was surprised and a little horrified at myself when I started to like humiliation and submission. Who was this new girl? I struggled (and struggle still) with meshing my hitherto-held identity with my new desires. Finding I liked and even craved pain was just another shock for me. Like I said, I'd never been a pain slut or a masochist.

Yet I'm starting to open myself to pain with my Dom. I'd never been interested in it before, so it's hard for me to mesh this new me with the old me. Still, I can't deny that it's happening.

I'm not sure if this is something I would have always liked but only now feel comfortable enough to share with someone, or if this desire is a new part of me.

I don't like pain for its own sake. I don't enjoy the pain when it is happening to me. What I do enjoy is the control the pain makes me feel. At first, I will fight him. I will slap his hand away, try to twist away, whine, or say, "You can't" (a variation of my old "It's my body!" defense that I love to use so much).

But eventually, my body accepts his pain. I will bare myself to him and start to welcome his pain. He is causing me pain. He is master of my pain. He is master of my body. I turn and bare my body to him, inviting, even craving, his pain. Taking his pain is the submission I offer to him. I long for him to hurt me and show us both that he owns me. I wish to be pushed farther. Suddenly, I want him to hurt me more, to own me more completely, to master my body more fully.

This is hard for me to admit to myself.


I don't like the pain if I think he is doing it because I want it. Then it becomes just pain, not control, and no one likes pain for its own sake. I only enjoy it if I feel he is doing it to me, not for me. I want him to enjoy it. I want him to enjoy the control and the pain and the noise I make and the faces I make as I fight the pain. I want him to take it against my will, because that solidifies the control. The domination. The ownership.

So I open myself to his pain.

4 comments:

SBF said...

I enjoyed your posting about pain and you opened yourself up to him.
I don't enjoy pain but I do crave the control he has over me when he gives me pain. I find myself wanting it because he loves when I take it for him and that makes me happy.
Smiles

Otto Dix said...

Thank you for your post and being so honest. For me, pain and control are the two book-ends of my relationship with my Mistress. I'm one of those subs that is addicted to the endorphin rush I feel when I know I can't escape the pain.

curiouskytty said...

I know exactly what you mean by opening yourself up. Out of reaction, I will shy away, or cover myself up. I get a look and the comment "Excuse me? What are you doing with MY -insert body part here-?"

I love doing what he says, and he loves pushing me to that point.

Lea said...

Pain for me is also a bit about control, but I have to admit, sometimes I enjoy the pain as well. I don't enjoy it, however, if it's not FOR him.

Verification word: Motiver. Motives? One who gives motive? Kind of apt.