11/18/2008

Aftercare: An Important Part of Any Sex


We've talked a lot in this blog about how to terrorize and torture a sub, both mentally and physically. It is important to note that in BDSM, a sub derives some sort of pleasure from being frightened, dominated, hurt, or manipulated; it is never nonconsenual. Both partners enjoy doing something kinky and exciting. But I think it is really, really important to emphasize something we have not yet mentioned: aftercare.

Aftercare is exactly what it sounds like: taking care of your sub after your "scene" is done! It does not matter if the scene ended with a safeword or just because you were done; aftercare is vital!

Whoever is playing the Dom or Domme for this scene needs to be prepared to give your sub aftercare. The human body absolutely must receive time to heal from physical wounds or emotional trauma. Even if it was all in good fun and both parties desired it, the sub needs this TLC from their Dom. The human body does not register a difference between pain the person wants to receive and pain the person does not want to receive: your brain still releases the same chemicals, and your body still goes into fight-or-flight mode.

If your play was especially dangerous or edgy, your sub may be in physical shock. Even if not, their heart will be pounding and adrenaline surging through their body, and they need you, someone who loves and cares for them, to take care of them now.

Some good activities for aftercare for subs are:


  • wrapping a warm blanket around them, as body temperature drops drastically when your body comes out of shock

  • holding them and cuddling them silently

  • stroking their hair

  • giving them a massage

  • bringing them a glass of water to rehydrate their body

  • bring them a snack, especially if your mate has low blood sugar issues

  • applying aloe if you've hit them hard enough to break or bruise the skin

  • whispering quietly to them, rubbing their back, and reminding them how much you love them

  • letting them cry, be angry, shake, or whatever they need to feel at that moment

  • talking quietly about the scene, what they felt, what you liked, and re-sharing the intimacy of it together

  • playing soft music, talking soothingly to them, reading to them, praying together, drawing them a warm bath, or anything else soothing
It could be psychologically damaging for you to play "hard" with your mate, then just get up and leave and expect them to be okay, or roll over and fall asleep! You can NOT forget to provide aftercare after every session!

Of course, these scenes can be hard on doms, too. Even if they want it, it can be difficult for a dom to have to play "the bad guy." They have to yell, hit, beat, or scare someone they love. They have to play a role that society says is wrong, immoral, or bad. That can be difficult for someone to maintain for any length of time.

Some good activities for aftercare for masters are:


  • rubbing sore muscles (if you've been hitting hard)

  • cuddling and being held

  • whispered words of love and loyalty

  • sharing that you did, indeed, enjoy the scene and appreciate their efforts to play "the bad guy" for you.
Whether for BDSM or not, sex should always be about intimacy and love as well as physical desire. Aftercare, cuddling, talking, holding each other, and communicating what you liked and did not like about the session is crucial in every relationship. Never forget to play hard, but provide loving aftercare later--your lover needs it.

1 comment:

Adriana said...

Aftercare is so important! This is awesome advice!