Describing Subspace

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Subspace can be scary. Sometimes, as my uber-feminist mother's daughter, I am ashamed to hear myself saying some of those things aloud. Things like, "I'm yours. Fuck me. I want you to come on my chest." It scares me, and makes me wonder who I really am.

My husband just smiles when I tell him this. He thinks that who I am is a sub who just sometimes struggles with her upbringing and training and cultural identity in this gender-equal world.

I can be in different levels of subspace. Sometimes, just reading a good BDSM blog or having a quiet talk with my husband about his plans and hopes for our D/s relationship can put me in a sort of low-key subspace. I don't usually call it subspace, but I will describe myself as "relaxed," "calm," and "in a different headspace." I'm still me, but I feel calmer, like I'm floating in a warm bath. When I come down from this headspace, it's painless and there's no real subdrop, that hated bane of Tops and bottoms alike.

I can also be in mid-level subspace, which is normally where I am during a really good scene. There, I am shameless about telling my husband how submissive I feel. I will kneel at his feet and kiss his legs (of course, I'll feel embarrassed about it later). I will deviously try to get him to make me feel more submissive, asking leading questions like, "Do you like hurting me?... Why?.." But when I come down, there's definitely a subdrop. I'll feel sad and mopey and depressed. I worry a lot about the things I said and did; was I too much of a doormat? What would my mother think if she knew I'd served my husband?

Then there's the rare times I go into deep, deep head-space. It's a euphoric feeling. In this space, I will say yes or okay to anything my husband asks me (which is why I agree with BDSM teachers who say Tops should never ask a bottom to do anything mid-scene that hasn't already been discussed and agreed upon). I am pretty incoherent, floating happily in my head, and it annoys me when my husband expects me to give verbal answers any more complicated than "Yes" or "Uh-huh." I can't say no, so he (correctly) interprets silence as a no; if he says, "Are you okay?" and I don't nod or say "Yes," it means no. I am happy to do whatever he wants, so long as I can keep this divine feeling. And of course, afterward, I feel needy. He needs to hold me and get me water. But the subdrop isn't as bad as it is from my more mid-levels, because my body instinctively understands it can't sustain that intense feeling--I wouldn't be able to function, so eventually I am happy to come drifting down into my Dom's arms and let him hold me, just so long as he doesn't expect me to talk.

What am I like when I'm in subspace?

1. Calm. Normally, I'm a worrier. Anxious... uptight... worried... panicky... all those words would accurately describe me. In subspace, I relax. My mind gets quiet. The worries go away.

2. Quiet. In my normal headspace (some bloggers call this a sub's Top-space), I'm pretty talkative and very opinionated. I can be mouthy and bratty to my Dom, even. Once I enter subspace, that quality dissipates and then fades. I stop talking. I am too busy focusing on how I finally feel relaxed and calm. I will generally only answer my husband's direct questions, and the farther into subspace I go, the shorter and less complicated my answers get. (*As a side note, not all bottoms get quiet... some report getting more verbose!)

3. Dreamy. I feel hazy, foggy, and calm. My Dom says that my eyes sort of glaze over and get hazy, letting him know when I start to feel subby.

4. Actively Submissive. It may sound like an oxymoron to be "actively submissive," but I just mean that I get braver and more aggressive in submitting to my Dom. Instead of waiting for him to give me a command, I will just hop into the shower with him and start soaping him up. I'll offer to iron his shirt or fix him dinner instead of waiting for him to ask. I take a much more active role in submitting, rather than waiting for him to request or order something.

For more good resources on subspace, check out these articles:

My earlier post on describing subspace.

Clarisse Thorn's post on Going Under.

LittleMousling's article on Stage Three: Going Under.

Mistress Steele's Nine Levels of Subspace.