7/05/2011

Selfish Subs?

Dannah Bridger is a D/s blogger. In her blog Subtypical, she writes about how hard it can be to be a Dominant. The title of her post is "If This is Dominance, I Know Why I'm a Sub."

And how true it is.

My husband and I were lucky because we have never had a D/s or DD relationship with anyone but each other. This means in the past few years we have been navigating this treacherous new road together for the very first time. We've had fights and arguments and tears (on my part), but those are all part of the growing process. If you want to see how hard the ups and downs of becoming a new submissive were for me, you just need to read my blog. Ups and downs, moments of great progress and moments of backsliding.

But it's been hard for my husband, too.

As P. B. Wilson says in her book, Liberated Through Submission, it's hard for a man to be the Head of a Household. It means he has to love me when I'm unlovely. He has to care for me when I am not caring for him. He has to be selfless and Christlike even when I'm being selfish or bratty.

Dannah Bridger had this heart-stopping quote in her post:


All the indignant submissives who insist that a good Dom should make them accountable, provide for them, keep them on track, advise them, push them, make them the best they can be…me, me, me, me, me…ad nauseam.

It stopped my heart because that is totally me. I worry a lot about what my Dom is doing wrong. He should be checking up on me, giving me rules, keeping me accountable, making me a better person, shaping me into a better wife and woman and Christian.

Yesterday, with a weary sigh, he looked at me and asked, "When is any of this your fault?"

A good question. When is it my fault for not giving him submission? For not being honest about my needs so he could make the best decision for us? For testing him? For protecting part of my heart? For witholding part of myself due to lack of trust?

Yes, I want to be conquered more than I want to submit.

But I can't always expect to be the passive sub and have him do all the work. Yes, he has a lot of responsibility that comes with his power. But I shouldn't be a selfish sub and just expect him to work all the time at conquering me without getting anything back.

I'm trying to become less selfish, more loving, and more giving. I'm trying to pack his lunches when he goes to work or ask him if he'd like anything to drink when I'm up. I'm starting to call him to ask how he wants me to spend money or if it's okay if I go over to my mother's house. I'm trying to be less whiny and upset when he has to take a work call or stay at work late. These are small things, but it's a start.

So far, I think he's liking it.

Dannah's post was a great reminder for all of us in power-exchange relationships to appreciate the work our husbands put into us and try to show them, with our words and our deeds and through our submission, that we appreciate it.

3 comments:

Dannah Bridger said...

I am in tears!!! BIG HUGS!!

Oh mercy! What a gift you have given me (oh yeah...and that guy...and your Dom/Husband! *grins and winks*)

It is DARN hard to walk the other side of the fence. But don't knock yourself too hard because our side isn't a stroll through the botanical gardens, either.

You nailed it here:
"This means in the past few years we have been navigating this treacherous new road together for the very first time. We've had fights and arguments and tears (on my part), but those are all part of the growing process."

Amen. Amen.

It's the give and take, the 'working it out' and the small spatters of understanding we gain that makes it all so worthwhile!

BTW--how did your wonderful blog slip by my notice???

Following!!!

Warmest regards and thank you again!!
Dannah

Minna said...

Very well stated! I'm a sub and I've been having this problem too. Great advice.

Lea said...

I feel that I fall into this category too much sometimes. I'm working on focusing on him more than myself. It can be really hard sometimes.