Trust Issues

Trust issues are a major barrier in any relationship, but in D/s they really make things come to a screeching halt. This is because BDSM is so rooted in trust, open communication, and consent. The moment those things disappear, it starts to become abuse.

If you look back at my recent posts, I've really been pondering and researching the subject of submission. How can I be more submissive? What does my pattern of submission look like? How can my Dom make me submit? How can he help me submit easier? What are barriers to submission? Can I be a feminist and a submissive?

Obviously, I was wrestling with this issue. But a post by Neo Dom Tom and a subsequent comment by William, author of Training of My Lovely Slut, made me wonder if the answer could be as simple as trust issues.

Am I struggling with submission in some areas because I don't trust my Dom?

Of course I trust him. He is the most trustworthy man I know. But maybe I don't trust... men? myself? being vulnerable? letting go of control?

It makes sense. Like I said, lack of trust brings domination and submission to a screeching halt. They're simply not possible without total, complete trust.

Perhaps some subs and slaves can't let go of control because they were hurt in the past. I suddenly wondered if that was what was happening to me. Could this explain why I can give submission in most areas but not in all? Why I long for D/s but panic and fight it when my Dom tries to advance his control in one more small area that he didn't have it before? "You can't!" I'll cry. "It isn't fair! I should be able to decide [insert topic here]." I'm full of reasons he shouldn't need or want control in this area. After all, it's so tiny and insignificant!

Never one to throw out a theory until I've considered it, I pondered the issue. If I were having trust issues, what would they be? Why would they have developed? Here are some of the things I have come up with.

• I was raised by an emotionally abusive and enmeshed mother. While I was mostly cherished and loved, I learned that love and affection can be taken away at the drop of a hat and replaced by physical and emotional abuse. Sometimes this was due to something I did and sometimes it wasn't. This made me try to control everything around me, including myself, and to develop panic-like anxiety if I wasn't in control. I also learned not to trust happiness because it wouldn't last. I have an anxious personality and I don't feel comfortable when my life is going well and I'm happy because, as one very wise psychologist put it, I'm "always waiting for the other shoe to drop."


• When my parents got divorced, I was pretty devastated. I learned the terrible lesson that you can never trust anything, because even 20-year marriages can fall apart. As such, I tend to look at relationships not as, "He's been trustworthy so far; I can relax now" but "I can never relax because even if he's been great for 5 years who knows what will happen in 25!"


• After said divorce, I became very, very cautious about relationships. I made sure to date boys who were way more into me than I was them--so I had the control. However, I was in one relationship with a boy who stuck around for 3 years. Slowly over that time, I started opening up to him, but I balked at losing control and falling in love because I didn't trust it. I kept my emotions in control. I stayed cautious. However, he finally convinced me to let go and trust him and commit myself fully. Since he'd been there for three whole years, fighting through all my walls, sticking around through all my tests, I finally started to believe that maybe this guy was the real deal and I could trust him. About that time, he got bored with me and started seeing another girl. He left me and I was devastated. It really solidified my belief that I should never let my walls down with anyone, even after years of proving himself.


• When I was older, I started dating a younger man who swore he was in love with me. The more I insisted on being mature, taking it slowly, and being cautious, the more he pursued me and swore up and down that he loved me. When I finally let down my guard with him and took a risk, he stopped talking to me, answering my calls, or calling.


• Later, I dated a nice, artistic boy who again declared his love for me. When I level-headedly pointed out that we hadn't been dating very long, he swore it didn't matter and he was in love anyway. I tentatively decided to go out on a limb and trust him and get my emotions and "love" involved. He immediately and without warning decided we should not date anymore, confessed I was right and he was wrong that it was too early for love, and said he just got carried away. Oops.

John and Stasi Eldredge have really hit home with their assertion that women are always worried about being too much. We are told by men and society that we are too needy, too clingy, too obsessive, too jealous, too something. We are too emotional. We should be cool and clear-headed like men. We should think with our heads and not with our hearts.

This really resonates with me because it is so true. I am always worried I will be too much. I will be too needy. Too clingy. Too annoying. I will be too emotional. I will be too draining. Too depressed. Too insecure. Too possessive. Too submissive. Too intense.

My Dom professes to like these things about me. I believe him. Yet, in some deep part of my heart, I keep part of it locked away. I keep the last tiny bit of control from him. Because the world, and society, and especially my experiences and past hurts, have taught me that nothing and no one can be trusted. People will entice you with happiness and then fail you, on accident if not intentionally. They will hurt you. They will promise you the moon and then take it away. They will swear they want all of you and then when you hesitantly open the door, they get overwhelmed and change their minds. They leave you. They hurt you.

In essence, they reject you.

And that is why control is so hard to give up, even after years of TTWD. Because some part of me wants to protect that last, tiny bit of myself. Some part of me feels safer if there are areas I can control. What I wear, how I dress, what I eat, where I work, how I talk, decisions I make, when we have sex. "It's my job! It's my body!" For each sub I'm sure these areas are different, but we all have them: areas where we want to be in control. Areas where we are afraid to let go.