Improvements

If I had to describe the growth of our D/s relationship over time, this is what it would look like: Oh, it's definitely improving. But it is a process of ups and downs, hashing and re-hashing the same issues (consistency, submission, power struggles, goals), of happiness followed by fights and tears followed by happiness. We are definitely in a two-steps-forward, one-step-back pattern (which is much better than the traditional one-forward, two-back pattern).

When we discovered D/s I pretty much thought our relationship would look like this:

or, if I were being more realistic, maybe on our bad days, more like this:

but that hasn't really happened. And that's okay. Because marriage is hard work and we come to it with ideals of perfection but we quickly realize that life won't always work that way but we can still work hard and have a happy, fulfilling life.

Marriage psychology states that "healthy fighting" becomes "unhealthy fighting" when you get into a rut. In other words, when no resolution can be found. When you fight again and again about the same things, that's a sure signal that your last fight didn't actually have the resolution you thought it did. For us, I noticed we were fighting repeatedly, at intervals of every few weeks, about me not taking enough responsibility and him not being strict enough.

In that situation, there are only three solutions as I see it:

1. you can keep fighting and re-fighting about the same things forever


2. you can give up D/s altogether and become vanilla


3. you can change something to find a real solution, because obviously what you're doing isn't working.

So I cried a bit and got discouraged and talked about giving up D/s, but in the end I decided that #3 was definitely the best solution, because you see, I am not a "throw-in-the-towel" type of girl. And obviously what we'd been trying was not working, so that left me with the question, "What am I going to change?"

Because eventually I had to realize that he cannot be the only one to change. And my Dom had to realize that I could not be the only one to change. It's easy to say, "If only he would...!" or "If only she would...!" but that obviously wasn't working because neither of us were.

So we both had to be willing to give up our idea of "Perfect D/s" where our woes were completely the other person's fault, and try to compromise.

Sigh.

(Oh, by the way, I hate to compromise when I think I am right.)

...

(But who doesn't?)

So I said yes, I could be more submissive. And after a long talk, he showed me for the first time that when I was not submissive and forced him to make me submit all the time, he felt like we weren't on the same team. I had never known that. So I am trying to show him verbally and through my actions that I am on his team.

And he said yes, he could be stricter and less lenient. What he thought was grace and forgiveness I saw as weakness and inconsistency. So he could be more harsh and strict with me if that's what I wanted.

I'm not saying our relationship is now going to look like this:

although that would be nice. Because I'm sure it will actually continue looking a lot more like this:

but that's okay. Because that is a pattern of forward growth and just like we will never have the perfect marriage and I will never be the perfect Christian, we will never have a perfect D/s relationship. There is always room to grow and improve, but the important thing is that you keep doing that.

And there have been definite improvements.

Today, he said he wanted to talk. He asked me, "What are you going to do to be more submissive? And what can I do to be more dominant?"

Usually, I have to bring up our D/s conversations, but this one, he initiated. He was taking an active role in making our relationship better, and I appreciated that. Also, it made me really think, What am I going to do to be more submissive? (I am still chewing that one over for right now... more on that when I figure it out.)

Today, we started to have a fight about whether he should help my dad paint his house or go shopping with me. But it never really turned into a fight. Because once it became clear we wanted two different things (guess which one I wanted? haha), he just stopped the conversation and said, "Ok, I'm making a decision. I'm going to go help your father, and I will go shopping with you later. I understand what you want and I'm sorry we don't agree, but this is the right thing to do and it's my decision." And so there was no fight. And I accepted his decision and pouted a bit but did not sulk, and we hugged and he went outside to work and told me to come write a blog and relax and enjoy myself. So I have.

That was also an improvement.

And yesterday, I came up to him and felt needy and needed a hug. And I asked him if this was real and would it last. And he held me close and said, "Admit to me that sometimes you can't control yourself and you need me to help you do it."

Well, I felt a little piqued. I pouted and didn't want to admit such a thing. I countered (brilliantly, I thought!) with, "Well, don't you lose your temper, too? No one controls themselves all the time!"

And he smiled and said, "That's not what I asked you. I think I asked you first."

So instead of being stubborn, I sighed and said in a very small voice, "Yes."

And he wrapped his arms around me and said confidently, "Good. Then I will help you do it. And yes, sometimes I lose my temper, too, and I'm sorry for it." And I went away feeling understood and happy.

So that was also an improvement.

And today, he told me to go inside and relax. I said I needed to get some work done. He said I had plenty of time to work later, and I'm always complaining I never get to read my blog list or just read a book, and to go do something fun. I remembered that I'd promised to fight him less and be more submissive, so I just decided to obey him and feel grateful that he was looking out for me and wanted me to relax, instead of getting miffed that he was controlling me. So I scowled at him and went inside and did what he said. And when he came in to check on me, I had a good attitude about it.

So there was another improvement.

Two steps forward, one step back.

Two steps forward.