Safewords in CNC Relationships

Can a CNC ("consensual non-consent") relationship have a safeword?

My answer is yes.

I know CNC relationships don't have to have safewords. I know some people who feel that a slave or sub having a safeword means the Dom does not have total control. Hence the quote, "A slave with a safeword is just a Domme on her knees." I know some Masters/Mistresses/Doms/Dommes live by this and don't allow their slaves to have safewords. I also know slaves and subs who do not want a safeword and that is okay too. I'm not saying you have to have one. I'm just saying that I do.

My Dom wants me to have a safeword because he wants to make sure he never pushes me past the point of "hurting" me to "permanently damaging" me. He can't read my mind, and I think he'll admit he's not a super perceptive person with these kinds of things.

I want to have a safeword because, well, it keeps me safe. It makes me evaluate what is happening to me: am I upset or am I being harmed? is it in my best interest to stop this activity?

We have both agreed that my safeword is to be used in emergencies only, when I need it, and not just when I don't feel like doing something. It is a way for me to tell my Dom that I am freaking out and need to stop for my emotional health and safety, not a way for me to express my dislike of an activity we're doing (that's what fighting, squirming, crying, and begging are for :-D)

There have been times I have hated something he was doing to me (usually something that triggers me, like getting in my personal space too much) and was panicking, but as long as I could take it, I didn't safeword. (No, it's not about proving anything; it's about only using my safeword when I honestly need to.)

LoriAdorable and Rogue Bambi are both bloggers who have mentioned that they sometimes feel uncomfortable with CNC relationships because the sub doesn't have a safeword. They rightly point out that a sub could end up in an abusive relationship that way. I'm just saying that the sub can have a safeword. Those relationships do exist. Mine is an example.

Who Rules Over You?

This today, as I'm bent over our dresser receiving my punishment for being disrespectful:

"Who rules over you?"

"You."

"Who rules over you?"

*gasp* "You."

"For whom is your desire?"

My stubborn heart melted just a bit. I whimpered. "You."

"That's right."

And we continued on in silence.

Improvements

If I had to describe the growth of our D/s relationship over time, this is what it would look like: Oh, it's definitely improving. But it is a process of ups and downs, hashing and re-hashing the same issues (consistency, submission, power struggles, goals), of happiness followed by fights and tears followed by happiness. We are definitely in a two-steps-forward, one-step-back pattern (which is much better than the traditional one-forward, two-back pattern).

When we discovered D/s I pretty much thought our relationship would look like this:

or, if I were being more realistic, maybe on our bad days, more like this:

but that hasn't really happened. And that's okay. Because marriage is hard work and we come to it with ideals of perfection but we quickly realize that life won't always work that way but we can still work hard and have a happy, fulfilling life.

Marriage psychology states that "healthy fighting" becomes "unhealthy fighting" when you get into a rut. In other words, when no resolution can be found. When you fight again and again about the same things, that's a sure signal that your last fight didn't actually have the resolution you thought it did. For us, I noticed we were fighting repeatedly, at intervals of every few weeks, about me not taking enough responsibility and him not being strict enough.

In that situation, there are only three solutions as I see it:

1. you can keep fighting and re-fighting about the same things forever


2. you can give up D/s altogether and become vanilla


3. you can change something to find a real solution, because obviously what you're doing isn't working.

So I cried a bit and got discouraged and talked about giving up D/s, but in the end I decided that #3 was definitely the best solution, because you see, I am not a "throw-in-the-towel" type of girl. And obviously what we'd been trying was not working, so that left me with the question, "What am I going to change?"

Because eventually I had to realize that he cannot be the only one to change. And my Dom had to realize that I could not be the only one to change. It's easy to say, "If only he would...!" or "If only she would...!" but that obviously wasn't working because neither of us were.

So we both had to be willing to give up our idea of "Perfect D/s" where our woes were completely the other person's fault, and try to compromise.

Sigh.

(Oh, by the way, I hate to compromise when I think I am right.)

...

(But who doesn't?)

So I said yes, I could be more submissive. And after a long talk, he showed me for the first time that when I was not submissive and forced him to make me submit all the time, he felt like we weren't on the same team. I had never known that. So I am trying to show him verbally and through my actions that I am on his team.

And he said yes, he could be stricter and less lenient. What he thought was grace and forgiveness I saw as weakness and inconsistency. So he could be more harsh and strict with me if that's what I wanted.

I'm not saying our relationship is now going to look like this:

although that would be nice. Because I'm sure it will actually continue looking a lot more like this:

but that's okay. Because that is a pattern of forward growth and just like we will never have the perfect marriage and I will never be the perfect Christian, we will never have a perfect D/s relationship. There is always room to grow and improve, but the important thing is that you keep doing that.

And there have been definite improvements.

Today, he said he wanted to talk. He asked me, "What are you going to do to be more submissive? And what can I do to be more dominant?"

Usually, I have to bring up our D/s conversations, but this one, he initiated. He was taking an active role in making our relationship better, and I appreciated that. Also, it made me really think, What am I going to do to be more submissive? (I am still chewing that one over for right now... more on that when I figure it out.)

Today, we started to have a fight about whether he should help my dad paint his house or go shopping with me. But it never really turned into a fight. Because once it became clear we wanted two different things (guess which one I wanted? haha), he just stopped the conversation and said, "Ok, I'm making a decision. I'm going to go help your father, and I will go shopping with you later. I understand what you want and I'm sorry we don't agree, but this is the right thing to do and it's my decision." And so there was no fight. And I accepted his decision and pouted a bit but did not sulk, and we hugged and he went outside to work and told me to come write a blog and relax and enjoy myself. So I have.

That was also an improvement.

And yesterday, I came up to him and felt needy and needed a hug. And I asked him if this was real and would it last. And he held me close and said, "Admit to me that sometimes you can't control yourself and you need me to help you do it."

Well, I felt a little piqued. I pouted and didn't want to admit such a thing. I countered (brilliantly, I thought!) with, "Well, don't you lose your temper, too? No one controls themselves all the time!"

And he smiled and said, "That's not what I asked you. I think I asked you first."

So instead of being stubborn, I sighed and said in a very small voice, "Yes."

And he wrapped his arms around me and said confidently, "Good. Then I will help you do it. And yes, sometimes I lose my temper, too, and I'm sorry for it." And I went away feeling understood and happy.

So that was also an improvement.

And today, he told me to go inside and relax. I said I needed to get some work done. He said I had plenty of time to work later, and I'm always complaining I never get to read my blog list or just read a book, and to go do something fun. I remembered that I'd promised to fight him less and be more submissive, so I just decided to obey him and feel grateful that he was looking out for me and wanted me to relax, instead of getting miffed that he was controlling me. So I scowled at him and went inside and did what he said. And when he came in to check on me, I had a good attitude about it.

So there was another improvement.

Two steps forward, one step back.

Two steps forward.

Shows of Dominance

On my earlier post Dynamic Needs in D/s, a reader left this comment:

"I like to be made to do something," I said. "I want to know that you have power over me and are stronger than me. My need is to be forced."

Can you explain the actual power and actual force that you want him to exhibit. I see this kind of complaint often but know one offering an example of what a solution would look like.

This is a good question. I am sure the answer is different for every sub or slave, but I'll try to explain the power and force I crave.




In the animal kingdom, animals show dominance in many ways. We humans are not much different! What do animals and humans have in common?

• They strut, posture, or "puff up" (I love when my tiny white cat does this!)


• They make threatening noises (growls and hisses for animals; tone of voice for us)


• They glare (same for animals and humans!)


• They go for the throat


• They go for the back of the neck


• They hit a "warning hit" (not to injure)


• When that doesn't work, they hit to injure

I like when my Dom uses any of the above. Sometimes it's just a fierce glare and a tone that brokes no argument. Once, we were on the verge of having a fight because he felt he should go help my dad paint the house and I wanted him to spend time with me. His tone did the trick. "I am going out to help your father," he said firmly to me.

"Fine! I'll just go shopping!"

"If you try to leave, I will start a fight in front of your dad. I am not scared."

Well, the tone worked. I made a pouty face and gave in, he came and hugged me, and he went out to work and I went and used my computer.

What are some other ways my Dom "makes me" do things?

Sometimes he uses his physical size to his advantage, even though he is not much bigger than me. He will hold my hands down or pin them behind my back. He will invade my personal space so I back down.

Other times, he will use the throat or back-of-the-neck technique. If he grabs the back of my neck and squeezes, just like a lion biting a lioness, I will squirm and then give in. If I'm being really out of control, he'll grab me by the throat, squeeze, push his face against mine, and threaten me in a low voice. That pretty much always works because it scares me and then I cry and give in. ;)

Animals will give "warning hits" without trying to injure. For instance, dogs will nip before they bite or cats will box each other before they pull out the claws and teeth. I think this is the equivalent of a maintenance spanking in DD or when my Dom will lightly smack me to get my attention. If my behavior gets really bad, though, he will spank me for real--until it really hurts. Of course, he has always been careful not to injure me or leave permanent marks or bruises.

And sometimes, it's more simple than that. He will stop, look me in the eyes, and say, "You'd better do what I say, or else ____________."

My brain does a fast computation of the risk (is doing X worth receiving the punishment Y? Is he bluffing or will he really follow through?) and usually, I give in, because usually, I decide that it's not worth whatever punishment he's threatening.

And that is what I mean by saying "He makes me."

When Punishment Brings Restoration

I've always cognitively understood why subs on DD websites would post things like, "I just want him to punish me!" but I can't say I ever really understood on an emotional or instinctual level.

My mind can logically accept that some women want to be punished. They want the catharsis, they want to feel they've had their consequence and it's over and all is forgiven, or maybe they just want to feel taken in hand by their husbands. I read on a lot of DD blogs how after a spanking or other punishment, couples regain their intimacy and are able to make love or have a loving, cuddly evening together because the air has been cleared, negative emotions have been dealt with and talked out (or beaten out *wink*), and there is a feeling of relief.

But I'd never really felt that way.

I either felt angry after a punishment, or angry because he wasn't punishing me. If he punished me, I'd sulk, thinking, "How dare he act like I'm the only one wrong?" or "He's such a jerk, ignoring my misbehavior and being inconsistent for days, and then trying to take back control out of nowhere!" Punishment never really resulted in the return to emotional intimacy that DD websites described.

I think punishments, whether spanking or not, have several goals:

• Remorse. The Dom gives a negative consequence (lecture, spanking, written assignment on what she did wrong) to encourage or even force the sub to see the error of her ways and feel remorse. Without remorse, there can be no change in the future, so I think it's necessary a good punishment end with remorse.


• Justice. I have a rigid black-and-white view of the world. Things being unfair or unjust bother me like an itch under the skin. If I've wronged my husband, receiving a punishment in measure with my offense can make me relax because all is right with the world again.


• Emotional Catharsis. A lot of DD and CDD websites advocate spanking until the woman cries. I don't know if that's necessary, but I think once a man fights through the anger, pain, and stubborness and finally breaks that final barrier, there can be great emotional healing. I know several DD couples who use spanking as a way to basically "beat" a bad attitude out of the woman, clear the air of negative feelings, and restore marital harmony.


• Intimacy. Instead of sulking and fighting all night, quick and decisive punishment stops a bad behavior in its tracks. Instead of letting a woman leave the house, lock the door, or scream at him all night, a man takes the issue in control, deals with it, and they can put it behind them. Intimacy and harmony are restored. (Yes, I've heard of women who needed two or three or even four spankings in a night before their attitude finally changed!)


• Reinforcement of Boundaries. Fights inevitably become power struggles between the two people. Punishment is a clear way to reinforce that the HoH is in charge and the woman is not. Instead of struggling for power all night, the couple can accept the way things are and get to the business of talking about their issues and resolving them within their pre-agreed-upon boundaries: man in charge, woman as helpmeet.

These are great goals, but I'd never really understood. It had never happened to me. Maybe the punishments didn't come consistently enough. Maybe I'm too stubborn and hell-bent on being right. Probably... both?

Either way, I'd never felt remorse and we rarely felt intimacy after. He felt like I wasn't on his team and I felt like he wasn't being consistent.

Last night, for the first time, a punishment really worked with me. We'd had a bad fight. We'd both said some mean things. We were both exhausted and drained.

We stuck it out (meaning: he didn't get mad and leave and I didn't get hurt and shut him out), which took a lot of effort for both of us. It's harder to stay in a room and fight with someone you love for 4 fours than it is to storm out and go feel self-righteous.

But we stayed.

And we talked.

And our talk went up and down, closer to resolution and then farther away, but we kept at it.

Finally, finally, exhausted and in the wee hours of the night, we had talked it all out. We'd both aired our grievances and apologized. We'd both shared how hurt we were and both tried to compromise and say we would work on some things.

It was time to go to bed.

After a fight like that, even after we've apologized and forgiven each other, I just can't have a good night's sleep. There is just too much negativity bottled up in me after all that. I will have a terrible night with nightmares. I will wake up upset from residual bad emotions. It will ruin my day the next day as well.

As we laid there, drifting to sleep and cuddling, I suddenly understood. I wanted him to punish me. I wanted him to take me in hand and show me that my bad behavior was not acceptable and would not be tolerated. I wanted him to clear the air between us. I wanted to feel close to him again. I didn't want our night and tomorrow to be ruined. I wanted to restore our relationship.

It's hard to admit that to your husband. But I rolled over and traced my hand up and down his stomach. I admitted how I felt.

He was willing. He was very, very willing.

The air felt charged with erotic tension as I waited for him to decide what to do. He said he didn't want me to whine or complain or tell him he didn't punish me enough or he punished me too much. With bated breath, I promised that I would open myself to his authority. He could punish me as he wanted to. I would not complain or criticize.

I felt.... open. Submissive. I wanted things to be right between us. I was sorry for hurting him. I wanted him to punish me for it so I knew he was my head and authority, and so the air could be cleared between us.

I didn't like all the punishments he chose. But when I whimpered, he reminded me softly, "You said you would open yourself to me." And so I did.

He punished me in several different ways. Some were, frankly, highly erotic for both of us. Some were not. I accepted them either way.

There was a change in my Dom. He took the power I gave him and he wielded it. He seemed more strong and self-assured. He knew what he wanted. He told me what I'd done wrong as he punished me. He told me how he was going to punish me. He asked me, "What did you do wrong today?" He made me, in the middle of being punished, list off the things I'd done that were disrespectful or hard-hearted. Listing them while being punished was powerful for me. It made an immediate connection in my head between my behavior and the punishment. I couldn't play the victim or pretend that he was the jerk here.

When I needed a break to be cuddled and reassured, he was quick to oblige. His strong arms held me as I curled into his neck and cried about how sorry I was. He kissed me and told me he loved me and that he was sorry, too. When I was done being reassured, he put me back in position and kept punishing me.

It meant a lot to me that he didn't just cut the punishment short because I was sorry. He was loving and gentle, but firm. He insisted on giving me every bit of that punishment I'd deserved. If he had relented, I'd have felt cheated. I wouldn't have had that emotional catharsis. I would have questioned his authority ("Can I manipulate my way out of things just by acting sorry? Why isn't he following through on what he said he'd do?"). But he gave me 100% of the punishment he'd decided was fair for me and told me I'd be getting. He didn't slack off or relent. It made him seem so strong and masculine in my eyes.

Often, punishments to me seem too short. I feel they're too lenient for whatever I've done. Not this one.

At one point, I asked him, "Why aren't you being punished? You were wrong, too."

He looked down at me, seeming big and strong in my eyes. I felt a little in awe of him.

He didn't seem threatened by my question. "I'm sorry, too," he told me. "But I answer to God. God will punish me. You answer to me."

My heart felt washed clean. I breathed huge sighs of shuddering relief. Everything was right with the world. Everything was fair. I was being taken care of. My bad behavior was being dealt with decisively and strictly. My husband loved me and I loved him. We were on the same team. Intimacy was restored. I felt... grateful.

When he was finished, he brought me water and made me drink it. I cuddled up next to him as close as I could get. He tenderly wrapped the blankets around my naked body. I was seized by a fear this might not last. He reassured me.

Whispering loving words in each other's ears, curled around each other, we drifted into peaceful sleep.

What Masters Look for in Subs

Since yesterday I did a post on what I look for in a dominant, it seemed only fair to do some research into what folks on the interwebs are looking for in a sub.

If I were looking for a sub, I wouldn't actually start looking for obedience or submission right away. This would overlook a lot of new or untrained subs who may not be able to exhibit those qualities yet. Looking for a "submissive personality" also presupposes that women and men with dominant, assertive personalities cannot make good subs or slaves, an attitude I completely disagree with.

What I would look for would be honesty, self-awareness, communication, and a willingness to learn. Even the most assertive person can learn to exhibit submission, if they desire it, but the willingness to learn and the ability to introspect and communicate openly have to be there.

What do actual Masters and Mistresses look for in subs?

I found a good article by Mistress Constance. She seems to suffer from the same problems a lot of new subs do on the internet: people writing her, wanting to be in a relationship with her before they really know her, talking only about BDSM. It's important to remember that in a BDSM relationship, most of you time is just going to be spent being vanilla. Things like jobs, family, kids, housework, errands, and bills don't disappear so as to kindly allow you the freedom to do nothing but lock yourself in the bedroom and play with chains and whips all day. You have find someone that has similar interests and values as you, and not just as it relates to BDSM.

Also, a sub should not be completely self-absorbed. It's great to know what you want and need from a relationship, but if you come in to a potential Dominant and can only say what you want to get out of the relationship, not what you can give to it, why would that Dom be interested in you in the first place?

I do disagree with Ms. Constance that a sub with a long list of limits is a turn off. She says:

If, instead, you have long laundry lists of limits, perhaps this isn't the
lifestyle for you. I've had novice submissives tell me that their limits were
absolutely no pain, absolutely no bondage, absolutely nothing at all in a public
setting where anyone else might ever know that they were submissive, and that,
in return for this carte blanche, they would be willing to "help out" with the
housework. Oh, and I could, if we lived far enough apart, have other
relationships. It doesn't work that way. You should know your limits, but if
you're unwilling to explore any of the darker sides of this dynamic, perhaps
this is a poor choice for you.

Personally, I think that's a bit harsh. The hypothetical sub in question sounds like a newbie to me more than a sub who just isn't cut out for BDSM. For a new sub who is just exploring new desires, there may be a lot of "limits" just as a measure of self-protection. I think as a sub learns and grows, hard limits may gradually become soft limits and then eventually not limits at all.

Raven Shadowborne also points out that necessary qualities in a sub are ability to control yourself and obedience. If you can't control yourself, your Dom will be constantly trying to keep you in line with no help from you. It takes both of you to make sure you stay within the parameters of the boundaries your Dom has set.

Attitude, understanding, and selfishness are more desirable submissive qualities listed in an article by Jack Peacock. Like I said before, even the most headstrong individual can be conquered by the right person if he or she has the right attitude about it. You have to be willing to be conquered.

Understanding is also important because Doms, Masters, HoHs, and Mistresses are not perfect. They will have off days. They will disappoint you. Your BDSM dreams will not turn out to be all that you hoped they would be when you first delved into this lifestyle. We need to be understanding that sometimes our Perfect Man or Woman will not be so perfect after all.

I don't think an exhaustive list of submissive qualities is possible, because subs vary so much in personality and style. Each Dom will want to find someone with the raw material he (or she) is looking for and then train that person to fit his standards.

What Do You Expect from Your Dom

I was taking part in a good discussion on Fetlife asking what we expect from our Dominants. It was such an interesting question that I decided to post about it here.

Expectations are important because they can lead to anger, hurt, and bitterness when there are unmet expectations. On the other hand, it's important to have standards and not just fall for the first psuedo-Dom who writes you a really sweet email on CollarMe that sounds something like, "Hello, my slut. I am your Master and you will obey me NOW. Send naked photos." Having expectations also helps you know what you want out of a partner so you can find someone who matches your style of kink.

As written on Fetlife, here are my bon mots about my expectations of a Dominant:

The basics: honesty, commitment, monogamy, faith, integrity, communication. Basically just being a good person, things I'd expect in any man.

The specifics, that apply not to "any man I'd date" but specifically "a dominant": consistency, strength, power, commanding tone/presence, follow-through, initiative.

I think it's important to note that what I expect from a Dom is above and beyond just what I'd expect from a man. I have certain standards for men that I would date or marry. They have to be smart, Christian, honest, etc. As you can see above, I think my expectations for a boyfriend or husband are pretty basic for women in my culture.

Being a Dom or Master, to me, is a step above being marriage material. This is a man who goes above and beyond. It's more work and more responsibility (and, I hope, more reward). This isn't just a man who loves you and is faithful to you and raises children with you. This is a man who does all that while dominating and leading you! He can change diapers with one hand and keep a tight rein on you with the other. He mows the lawn and helps with the dishes, then turns around and spanks you for being disrespectful. He is indeed a kind of Superman! (Maybe I should get my Dom some tights or something???)



My answer on Fetlife was pretty short, so I wanted to explore each of my "Domly expectations" a bit more on here:

1. Consistency. This one was my first response because, guess what?, we'd just been talking about it! Without consistency, I get grumpy. I start to do little test and then bigger tests. Then I get mad and I complain. I need consistency from my Dom so that I know I can rely on him 100% of the time.




2. Strength. What makes a "husband and Dom" different from a "husband"? Probably strength. You can be a good husband and father and be a pretty easygoing, passive guy, but you can't be a Dom without strength. A man who is a Dominant has not only the strength to control himself, but strength greater than the strength of his wife. He can also control her and their children. His moral and emotional strength are greater than theirs, so they can rely on him.




3. Power. This is similar to strength. Being strong is not enough if you do not also wield the power in your relationship. A woman can't just give you power and you let it lie there idly at your feet; that's not D/s. You must take up the power she gives you and wield it, use it, exert it.




4. Commanding Tone. This one is important to me. A good Dom can quiet a woman and quell rebellion with a look and the tone of his voice. I think having a commanding tone is something I really respect and look for in a Dominant.




5. Commanding Presence. When the quelling looks and tone fail, as they sometimes will, a Dominant does not just shrug his shoulders and think, Oh well, let her do whatever she wants. He plays his next card, which is physical presence. This can be something traditional like spanking or something much more subtle like a subtly threatening posture that only his wife notices, but she knows what it means and quiets down!




6. Follow-Through. I look for this in a Dominant because anyone can make rules. Heck, we all like to boss others around and dictate that the world go according to our desires from time to time! It's easy to make demands, but it's hard to remember those demands later and enforce them when you're busy and tired and would rather not deal with a rebellious, cantankerous woman. When you feel exhausted and would rather give in, let her have her way, and just go to bed, it takes a strong man to follow through on getting his way anyway.




7. Initiative. This is just the precursor to follow-through. Without initiative, your boat never sets sail and gets underway, much less drifts atide and needs the Dominant's follow-through. A Dominant should know what he wants, where he wants the relationship to go, and how he wants to get there. A man with initiative and drive can form a plan for his relationship and provide leadership to his wife and children. Without starting your first foot on that journey, leadership can never happen.

Of course, I'm not saying all Dominants have to do this. But these are the things I tend to value in a self-proclaimed Dominant man. They make me feel safe. When I feel safe, I feel free to be more submissive. With these things, I feel safe, happy, cherished, and loved.

Rape in Consensual Non-Consent Relationships

I've been thinking about the online article When Rape is a Gift over at the Taken in Hand website. This article is by The Boss, who has also written such gems as Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum, The Missionary Position, and Happy Living in Fear of a Man, and The Subjection of Women. If you are interested in Taken in Hand and haven't read these articles, you really should. They are some of my favorites.

When Rape is a Gift is such a powerful title, don't you think? It evokes emotions almost immediately. Usually, they are negative. And rightly so. Rape the way we think of is--a man or woman being forced or coerced into an unwanted sexual encounter--is a terrible thing for the victim. Whether the rapist is a stranger, an acquaintance, or your spouse, rape is a tragic event.

But what about unwanted sexual encounters within a relationship that is already defined as consensual non-consent?

First, a few words about CNC. I've noticed some bloggers lately who seem to think CNC means the sub operates without any kind of limits or safeword whatsoever. I'm not sure where this idea came from, but let me be clear that in my CNC relationship, I have a safeword.

If a Dom in a CNC-relationship commands his sub to have sex with him and she obeys, even when she doesn't want to, is that rape? What about when a HoH says he expects his wife to "be sexually available" to him at all times? Isn't that similar to rape? Or the tricky one--when a Dom in a CNC tells his sub he wants sex, and she says no and fights or begs or pleads not to, but he takes it anyway, is that rape?

All of the above situations are similar to rape. They are not legal rape because all of those situations involve consent. Consent is either given at the time (implicitly through obedience) or it has been given earlier (engaging in a CNC relationship). But to take sex from a partner who is unwilling at that time is still, on some level, a rape.

My Dom is understandably uncomfortable with me using the word "rape." This is because he loves me and would never, ever hurt me. He has shown nothing but respect for my safeword when I have felt it necessary to use it.

But when he wants to have sex, and takes it from me even when I may be kicking and fighting or pleading with him not to, this is what I believe the author is referring to in When Rape is a Gift.

Sometimes I don't want to have sex. Sometimes--and this admission will make me unpopular in the BDSM world--I will deny my Dom sex and fight against him. Sometimes I'm too tired or angry. Most of the time, it's because I'm feeling distant and defensive and intimacy is the last thing I want with him right then.

This morning, he took it anyway.

I said no and struggled to get away. He pinned me down. I struggled. I panicked a bit. Eventually, I calmed down and gave in.

I wouldn't advise this for those new to D/s or BDSM. My Dom and I have just recently begun exploring this limit of mine after years of communication and shelving it as a "hard limit." We've talked a lot about it. A lot. And he monitored me carefully the whole time.

"You can use your safeword," he reminded me at the very beginning. (Often, he reminds me of this because if I get panicked enough, I forget I have it. He has now started reminding me at the start of scenes.)

Later, he asked me, "How are you feeling?"

I had no words. I couldn't talk. I wasn't in subspace, but I was acting similarly: words weren't coming to me, I wasn't very in touch with how I was feeling, I wasn't sure what my emotions were. I didn't have that same happy/submissive/floaty feeling, but I couldn't answer.

I just shook my head.

"I need you to talk to me right now," he said gently.

I shrugged. Paused. (Normally he can't get me to shut up, I swear.) "I don't know," I finally came up with (brilliant!).

"Stop. Think. I need you to tell me," he said.

I squinted my eyes and searched the ceiling for an answer. Pause pause pause. He waited patiently. "I'm... okay," I managed.

He told me he loved me. He talked to me, because he knows (after months and years of talking about it, mind you!) that I need that verbal connection to stay engaged.

"I own you," he told me. "Nobody else. I want to own all of you. I'll fight for you. I'll fight to get those pieces back you've been keeping from me." (Have I been keeping pieces? Not intentionally... but he's right.)

Afterward, I cuddled him. As usual, I was full of questions. What did he feel about what had just happened? Had he liked it? Was it good? Was that rape?

"It's not rape," he said, suddenly uncomfortable.

I tried to explain that I didn't mean rape in a bad way; I meant rape in an okay way. He shied away from using that term. Rape seemed to him something done by a bad guy to a victim. He loved me, he insisted (I knew that). He was using sex as a way for us to reconnect because it was best for me, even when I didn't like it (I understood that, too). He didn't like it when I would fight intimacy with him, withholding myself physically and emotionally, creating distance between us. He had overpowered me because he knew it was best for us and our relationship. He was doing his part to lead us, ensuring I didn't hijack our marriage by creating and maintaining distances that weren't supposed to be there.

All this was true. I could have used my safeword at any time if I had had a flashback to abuse or completely flipped out and needed to stop. He was using sex to bring us closer, not tear me down.

And he was right. I did feel closer. I can't claim I liked the sex--or being forced into it--but he broke down my walls. We cuddled afterward. I talked a lot more. I finally felt relaxed and safe, connected to my Dom, not sad and distant and anxious about every little thing. I started the morning with a happy smile on my face. It re-centered me.

In the short term, it may have looked like rape. But in the long term, I had already given my consent to a CNC relationship with this man I knew and trusted. We had worked long and hard and stumbled through many potholes and roadblocks to build the knowledge of each other that allowed him to push past my boundaries safely and sanely.

I didn't like it at the time. But he is the leader of our household and the ultimate decision was his.

Dynamic Needs in D/s

My husband and I were having another one of our ever-occuring talks about our needs.

These talks are important to me because as time goes by, I get a more defined idea of what my needs are. What do they look like? What do I want? What are my desires? They change slowly, but they do change, so these talks are important for us to remain on the same page and keep our lines of communication open.

We discussed how he's been more commanding and bossy lately. He likes it because he enjoys being in charge and not having to argue with me over every tiny detail. I like it. (pause.) Most of the time. He says I'm starting to follow commands more without even noticing it, skipping the "rebellious phase" without even noticing.

My Dom's leadership style is more of a persuasive, chip-away-at-it. It's not what I naturally prefer. It kind of exhausts me. I'd much prefer him to give me a direct command, and if I have a problem with it, I'll say, "No!" and we can just fight it out right there. That way everything is out on the table, we deal with conflict openly, and there is a clear winner and a clear loser.

For him, this is just needless conflict. Why fight with me when he can just wait patiently and probably either wait my stubborness out or persuade me to see things his way?

I get where he's coming from, but it exhausts me. When I finally give in, I'm never sure if it's because he persuaded me or I just decided to give up and give in. Usually I'm not even aware of whatever he's been doing and I assume he has just been ignoring my disobedience and letting bad behavior slide. Eventually I just give up trying to get a reaction out of him and do whatever it was, feeling exhausted and a little resentful. When I do give in, I feel it's more me being the bigger person and less him being the Dom.

We talked about it in the car. He said his leadership style is simply more persuasive and patient than in-your-face. I said it's hard for me to know if he's ignoring bad behavior because he's passive or because he's just waiting me out. Of course, I tend to assume the worse of the two situations, and then I start thinking along the lines of, He's not dominating me! He's not even noticing me! It's not domination if it only occurs when I feel like submitting!

It's not that I like conflict. But I'd rather deal with it quickly and have a big fight that is over in 30 minutes and has a clearly defined winner and loser, than engage in a long, drawn-out battle of the wills when I'm not even sure he's noticed that I'm disobeying in the first place.

Back to our talk on "needs."

"You like to get your way," I said. "Your need is for me to do what you want."

"Right."

"I like to be made to do something," I said. "I want to know that you have power over me and are stronger than me. My need is to be forced."

"So you're saying you like conflict?" he asked. "You want the drama?"

"No!" I said, starting to feel defensive. "I don't like fighting and I don't always want the drama. But I can't even tell when you're engaged in D/s or not. They feel the same to me. You want me to do what you say. I want to be made. Why can't we have it both ways? You make me, you win, and I do it. We both get what we want."

Now, I don't think this would work all the time. If he had to force me to do his will every time, it would get exhausting for him and be very time-consuming for both of us. It'd be a waste of energy and we'd spend a lot of time fighting. While I think some fighting is good for relationships, too much can get the relationship bogged down with negativity. Also, I know that sometimes I just have to submit. This isn't a one-sided relationship; he has to be dominating sometimes and I have to submit sometimes. One of us can't do all the work.

But I think I'd like a little more active domination. This is what I was trying to explain to him.

"If I do this, is this you topping from the bottom?" he finally asked me. "Because it sounds like the kind of thing that you would worry about later."

I thought that one through for a minute. Finally, I said, "No. I'm not telling you to do it this way. I'm telling you that I think this is a need for me. I'm asking you to do it sometimes. I'm not saying you have to do it all the time."

"Ok," he said. "I'll work on using a leadership style that is easier for you to recognize and work with. Not because you told me to, but because I love you and I want you to be happy. Do you understand?"

"Yes," I said. "I understand."

So I'm trying to be more aware of his natural leadership style. That sometimes, when I think he is letting things slide or being too lenient or not engaging, he is really just waiting me out. I'm also learning to not have to fight him on every single thing he tells me to do. If he tells me to walk around the block twice and not just once, I may pout for about 30 seconds, but even I can see the wisdom in this, so I just shrug and say, "Okay" and I do it. And he is learning that when I test him with disobedience or passive resistance, he needs to point it out to me so I know that he knows it's going on. He's not just ignoring it; he's being patient and using his natural leadership style.

We are always learning. Our needs are always changing. And so we are always communicating.

Opening Myself to Pain

In the BDSM world we have what are called "pain sluts." These are masochists who enjoy pain.

I've never been one of those. I didn't like pain with my sex. I might have liked some domination and humiliation, but pain wasn't really my cup of tea.

This was true when I married my Dom. He didn't really seem interested in hurting me, either.

When I did more research on BDSM and we started trying new things, I was surprised and a little horrified at myself when I started to like humiliation and submission. Who was this new girl? I struggled (and struggle still) with meshing my hitherto-held identity with my new desires. Finding I liked and even craved pain was just another shock for me. Like I said, I'd never been a pain slut or a masochist.

Yet I'm starting to open myself to pain with my Dom. I'd never been interested in it before, so it's hard for me to mesh this new me with the old me. Still, I can't deny that it's happening.

I'm not sure if this is something I would have always liked but only now feel comfortable enough to share with someone, or if this desire is a new part of me.

I don't like pain for its own sake. I don't enjoy the pain when it is happening to me. What I do enjoy is the control the pain makes me feel. At first, I will fight him. I will slap his hand away, try to twist away, whine, or say, "You can't" (a variation of my old "It's my body!" defense that I love to use so much).

But eventually, my body accepts his pain. I will bare myself to him and start to welcome his pain. He is causing me pain. He is master of my pain. He is master of my body. I turn and bare my body to him, inviting, even craving, his pain. Taking his pain is the submission I offer to him. I long for him to hurt me and show us both that he owns me. I wish to be pushed farther. Suddenly, I want him to hurt me more, to own me more completely, to master my body more fully.

This is hard for me to admit to myself.

I don't like the pain if I think he is doing it because I want it. Then it becomes just pain, not control, and no one likes pain for its own sake. I only enjoy it if I feel he is doing it to me, not for me. I want him to enjoy it. I want him to enjoy the control and the pain and the noise I make and the faces I make as I fight the pain. I want him to take it against my will, because that solidifies the control. The domination. The ownership.

So I open myself to his pain.

Tired

This pregnancy is getting hard again as we get to the end. I'm not sure I can take many more weeks of being this angry version of myself. And my poor Dom....

Sex, I'm finding, is centering for me. It helps me feel happier and normal--more me--afterward. But it is hard to find time to get sex in when we are so busy with his job and then running around getting errands run and the nursery painted and a million things to do.

Suddenly I'm so tired. All the time. I wake up tired. I go to bed tired. I'm not sure anyone who hasn't been pregnant or severely jet-lagged will understand.

As I get more emotional, sleep-deprived, and cranky, I'm finding D/s becomes even more important to me. My emotions are getting out of my control. I need the control. I need him to make sure I am polite to strangers in the store and not a glowering, rude version of myself. I need him to make sure my tone and temper toward him are not getting out of hand. I need him to make sure I do not sit on the couch all day feeling too depressed and overwhelmed to get anything done, and therefore not get anything done. The more my life gets hectic and overwhelming, the more I need the structure and gentle correction of him managing my life.

This will be a new phase for us. We'll see how he does at providing that direction and "gentle correction" when he is busy with a hectic job and emotional, sometimes-volatile wife. And then again when the baby arrives and we are so much busier.

If any of you have children, how did you and your partner navigate through late pregnancy and early parenthood?

The Last Defenses Are Being Taken Down

My Dom has been taking a lot more power from me lately.

Not just new rules. New training. More commands. More micro-management. More follow-through. Harsher punishments. The commands he does gives are less general, more specific, and therefore more difficult.

Apparently, he has tired of listening to me complain that he wasn't following through and he has actually listened to my complaints and done something about them (darn him!). As he told me, "I realized you blame me for a lot of what goes wrong in our relationship. If I'm going to have the responsibility, then I want the power."

I can still hear me sputtering, "B-- b-- but--!"

Oh, it's what I said I wanted, all right. But it's scary to get it.

In the last few days, he has been more demanding of me. He has taken away my glasses when I wouldn't ask for them and say please and refused to let me get Kleenex when I was flouncing toward them, all attitude and hair-flip and mouth. Sound nit-picky? That's what I said. But he didn't give in.

He has assigned me a 600-word essay on the importance of honesty in our relationship when he caught me refusing to ask for something I needed. (I was practically humming about that one... it was way better than a spanking and actually made me think hard about what kind of person lies to her husband and if I want to be that person.) He has limited the amount of time I can spend working and stressing myself out and added to my punishment when I went over. He has refused to let me flounce away or flee to the bedroom during fights. He has been patient with my mood swings and attitude adjustments and patiently asked for forgiveness when he hurt my feelings or spoke too harshly. He has asked every day if I was doing my devotional and made sure to clarify what things I am to get done when he leaves for work. Basically, he's been very consistent and clear, forgiving when I had an attitude, and insisted on getting his way.

This has been going on for a couple of days in our household. If you were a fly on the wall, here are just some of the things you'd have heard come flying out of my mouth since then:

"You can't!"

"I'm a grown woman!"

"It's my job!"

"It's my body!"

"Don't you think this is a bit nit-picky?"

"You are being a controlling jerk! This is abusive!" (His response? "You are welcome to use your safeword at any time.")

"What next? Are you going to tell me what I can and can't wear and can't eat? Am I going to have to ask to go to the bathroom?"

And in my calmer, more logical moments, "But you said you didn't want to micro-manage me. This is definitely micro-management."

Pleading, foot-stamping, flouncing, testing, wheedling, using logic, even using the Bible... not a bit of it has gotten me any traction. But oh, how freedom struggles when she is shown the door.

You'd think I'd be overjoyed at getting what I wanted, but mostly I've responded the way I respond to any change in our relationship: with anxiety. Is this going to last? Does this mean the same thing to him it does to me? Does this make me a slave? Is he going to get busy or sidetracked or forget? Is he going to disappoint me? Did I really want this in the first place? Can I really let go of all this control? Who will I be if there are no areas left in my own control?

But even I have noticed the changes in my behavior.

"You're fighting me more," he told me today. "But you're also needier. You care more about my approval. You want it. That's a good thing."

I catch myself calling him to (*grimace of self-disgust*) ask his permission about things I wouldn't have a few days ago. I catch myself telling on myself when I haven't followed his instructions instead of just keeping my mouth shut like a smart woman.

But even more telling, I see myself doing what he tells me. I wrote that 600-word essay, except by the time I wrote it, it had been increased to 700 for another minor infraction. I did that devotional, even with my eyes half-closed with sleep. I said please and thank you more. I addressed him with a meeker tone that didn't sound much like the old me.

When we started to fight, I told him why I was angry instead of closing off and refusing to talk. When I started to gather my things and flee, a stern, "Don't leave," made me put them right back down and sit there and talk it out. What could have become hours of me sulking in bed with the lights off and doors locked was reduced to mere minutes of dealing with the problem together.

I even went to him, the cause of so much angst and worry and fighting-for-my-freedom, and crawled into his lap and cried and got cuddled and held. He kissed my forehead and smoothed my hair and told me he loved me. I cried about how scary this was and I didn't like it and why did he have to want so much control? He listened and kissed my hair and held me. He explained why he thinks this will be better for me. He understands my fears and says we will talk about them in a few weeks if they haven't gone away. He says, however, that I cannot opt out of this if my objections are coming from a place of fear instead of a place of true nonconsent.

So right now, I am left feeling scared... desired... a little resentful... confused... worried... and a little bit hopeful.

Selfish Subs?

Dannah Bridger is a D/s blogger. In her blog Subtypical, she writes about how hard it can be to be a Dominant. The title of her post is "If This is Dominance, I Know Why I'm a Sub."

And how true it is.

My husband and I were lucky because we have never had a D/s or DD relationship with anyone but each other. This means in the past few years we have been navigating this treacherous new road together for the very first time. We've had fights and arguments and tears (on my part), but those are all part of the growing process. If you want to see how hard the ups and downs of becoming a new submissive were for me, you just need to read my blog. Ups and downs, moments of great progress and moments of backsliding.

But it's been hard for my husband, too.

As P. B. Wilson says in her book, Liberated Through Submission, it's hard for a man to be the Head of a Household. It means he has to love me when I'm unlovely. He has to care for me when I am not caring for him. He has to be selfless and Christlike even when I'm being selfish or bratty.

Dannah Bridger had this heart-stopping quote in her post:

All the indignant submissives who insist that a good Dom should make them accountable, provide for them, keep them on track, advise them, push them, make them the best they can be…me, me, me, me, me…ad nauseam.

It stopped my heart because that is totally me. I worry a lot about what my Dom is doing wrong. He should be checking up on me, giving me rules, keeping me accountable, making me a better person, shaping me into a better wife and woman and Christian.

Yesterday, with a weary sigh, he looked at me and asked, "When is any of this your fault?"

A good question. When is it my fault for not giving him submission? For not being honest about my needs so he could make the best decision for us? For testing him? For protecting part of my heart? For witholding part of myself due to lack of trust?

Yes, I want to be conquered more than I want to submit.

But I can't always expect to be the passive sub and have him do all the work. Yes, he has a lot of responsibility that comes with his power. But I shouldn't be a selfish sub and just expect him to work all the time at conquering me without getting anything back.

I'm trying to become less selfish, more loving, and more giving. I'm trying to pack his lunches when he goes to work or ask him if he'd like anything to drink when I'm up. I'm starting to call him to ask how he wants me to spend money or if it's okay if I go over to my mother's house. I'm trying to be less whiny and upset when he has to take a work call or stay at work late. These are small things, but it's a start.

So far, I think he's liking it.

Dannah's post was a great reminder for all of us in power-exchange relationships to appreciate the work our husbands put into us and try to show them, with our words and our deeds and through our submission, that we appreciate it.

Trust Issues

Trust issues are a major barrier in any relationship, but in D/s they really make things come to a screeching halt. This is because BDSM is so rooted in trust, open communication, and consent. The moment those things disappear, it starts to become abuse.

If you look back at my recent posts, I've really been pondering and researching the subject of submission. How can I be more submissive? What does my pattern of submission look like? How can my Dom make me submit? How can he help me submit easier? What are barriers to submission? Can I be a feminist and a submissive?

Obviously, I was wrestling with this issue. But a post by Neo Dom Tom and a subsequent comment by William, author of Training of My Lovely Slut, made me wonder if the answer could be as simple as trust issues.

Am I struggling with submission in some areas because I don't trust my Dom?

Of course I trust him. He is the most trustworthy man I know. But maybe I don't trust... men? myself? being vulnerable? letting go of control?

It makes sense. Like I said, lack of trust brings domination and submission to a screeching halt. They're simply not possible without total, complete trust.

Perhaps some subs and slaves can't let go of control because they were hurt in the past. I suddenly wondered if that was what was happening to me. Could this explain why I can give submission in most areas but not in all? Why I long for D/s but panic and fight it when my Dom tries to advance his control in one more small area that he didn't have it before? "You can't!" I'll cry. "It isn't fair! I should be able to decide [insert topic here]." I'm full of reasons he shouldn't need or want control in this area. After all, it's so tiny and insignificant!

Never one to throw out a theory until I've considered it, I pondered the issue. If I were having trust issues, what would they be? Why would they have developed? Here are some of the things I have come up with.

• I was raised by an emotionally abusive and enmeshed mother. While I was mostly cherished and loved, I learned that love and affection can be taken away at the drop of a hat and replaced by physical and emotional abuse. Sometimes this was due to something I did and sometimes it wasn't. This made me try to control everything around me, including myself, and to develop panic-like anxiety if I wasn't in control. I also learned not to trust happiness because it wouldn't last. I have an anxious personality and I don't feel comfortable when my life is going well and I'm happy because, as one very wise psychologist put it, I'm "always waiting for the other shoe to drop."


• When my parents got divorced, I was pretty devastated. I learned the terrible lesson that you can never trust anything, because even 20-year marriages can fall apart. As such, I tend to look at relationships not as, "He's been trustworthy so far; I can relax now" but "I can never relax because even if he's been great for 5 years who knows what will happen in 25!"


• After said divorce, I became very, very cautious about relationships. I made sure to date boys who were way more into me than I was them--so I had the control. However, I was in one relationship with a boy who stuck around for 3 years. Slowly over that time, I started opening up to him, but I balked at losing control and falling in love because I didn't trust it. I kept my emotions in control. I stayed cautious. However, he finally convinced me to let go and trust him and commit myself fully. Since he'd been there for three whole years, fighting through all my walls, sticking around through all my tests, I finally started to believe that maybe this guy was the real deal and I could trust him. About that time, he got bored with me and started seeing another girl. He left me and I was devastated. It really solidified my belief that I should never let my walls down with anyone, even after years of proving himself.


• When I was older, I started dating a younger man who swore he was in love with me. The more I insisted on being mature, taking it slowly, and being cautious, the more he pursued me and swore up and down that he loved me. When I finally let down my guard with him and took a risk, he stopped talking to me, answering my calls, or calling.


• Later, I dated a nice, artistic boy who again declared his love for me. When I level-headedly pointed out that we hadn't been dating very long, he swore it didn't matter and he was in love anyway. I tentatively decided to go out on a limb and trust him and get my emotions and "love" involved. He immediately and without warning decided we should not date anymore, confessed I was right and he was wrong that it was too early for love, and said he just got carried away. Oops.

John and Stasi Eldredge have really hit home with their assertion that women are always worried about being too much. We are told by men and society that we are too needy, too clingy, too obsessive, too jealous, too something. We are too emotional. We should be cool and clear-headed like men. We should think with our heads and not with our hearts.

This really resonates with me because it is so true. I am always worried I will be too much. I will be too needy. Too clingy. Too annoying. I will be too emotional. I will be too draining. Too depressed. Too insecure. Too possessive. Too submissive. Too intense.

My Dom professes to like these things about me. I believe him. Yet, in some deep part of my heart, I keep part of it locked away. I keep the last tiny bit of control from him. Because the world, and society, and especially my experiences and past hurts, have taught me that nothing and no one can be trusted. People will entice you with happiness and then fail you, on accident if not intentionally. They will hurt you. They will promise you the moon and then take it away. They will swear they want all of you and then when you hesitantly open the door, they get overwhelmed and change their minds. They leave you. They hurt you.

In essence, they reject you.

And that is why control is so hard to give up, even after years of TTWD. Because some part of me wants to protect that last, tiny bit of myself. Some part of me feels safer if there are areas I can control. What I wear, how I dress, what I eat, where I work, how I talk, decisions I make, when we have sex. "It's my job! It's my body!" For each sub I'm sure these areas are different, but we all have them: areas where we want to be in control. Areas where we are afraid to let go.