In Defense of Codependency

I think codependency gets a bad rap these days.

Dauntless Vitality has written a great post about neediness in subs. He says most subs will get from a point of wanting submission and liking these new feelings, to needing it. This is true. Sometimes I need him to control or conquer me even when I don't want it. DV rightly points out that this can be scary for subs. It goes against who we always thought we were. It goes against what society and our families and friends probably value in us, namely, our individuality and sense of independence. It doesn't mean we can't be individual and spunky, but sometimes it's still scary.

Coming to terms with needing a strong man in our lives is scary. It sounds bad. It sounds needy and clingy. It sounds like that dreaded word, codependent.

"Codependent" is like a swear word in psychology circles these days. Counselors and psychologists love to throw that word around. Many will recommend self-help books like Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. (I found both books terribly depressing and do not recommend them, by the way).

Codependency is a legitimate illness for many people in relationships with alcoholics, drug addicts, or emotional abusers. I am not devaluing their experiences. I think in those instances, counseling and treatment are great options.

But codependency has grown from a problem affecting a specific group of people to a pop psychology byword. Completely untrained friends and family with no background in psychology will pass judgment on you. You worry about what your husband thinks? If your wife is sad, you're sad too? You put your Dom's needs above your own? You don't give your wife complete autonomy and independence? You don't both spend a lot of time with other people? You must be (*dun dun dun*) CODEPENDENT!!! For shame!

Sigh.

Robert Burney describes codependency like this:

Codependence is about giving power over our self-esteem to external conditions
and/or outer forces (including other people).

Ouch. I think most people in a D/s relationship would qualify as codependent, then.

Melody Beattie has a whole list of co-dependent symptoms that don't really apply to D/s, but here are some that do:

Do you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny?

Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings?

Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?

A lot of subs derive their meaning from their Dom--and vice-versa. You wouldn't be a very good Master or Dom if you didn't feel responsible for your sub, actually. Many people in D/s find their identity through their role (sub, HoH, Mistress, slave). Finding your identity in someone else is a big no-no in today's pop psychology world. We are supposed to be independent! Autonomous! We are not ever supposed to put others above ourselves!

Okay, I'm exaggerating. But this is the difference in working through legitimate codependency issues with a trained professional and reading a few pop-psychology books and considering yourself an expert. Not only is this popular new battle cry of "Independence in marriage!" not very Christlike, it's doesn't sound like a good marriage--even a vanilla one.

A counselor once told me I was codependent. I didn't know what that meant, but I dutifully bought and read Beattie's book, Codependent No More. For the record, I am not the child of an alcoholic or drug addict, and in fact was raised in a stable middle-class home. The book basically just made me feel guilty for being a people-pleaser and caring too much about what people think. It made it seem like I should be selfish and insist on my own independence, even in a healthy relationship. I think it had some wise pointers for me to avoid getting sucked into an abusive relationship, but now that I'm in a marriage with a loving, Christian man who cares about me deeply... the book just makes me feel needlessly guilty for finding my identity primarily through him/us and for giving control of my life to him.

And isn't that what TTWD is?

If you want to read more, check out William Harley, Jr.'s controversial article, How the Co-Dependency Movement is Ruining Marriages. It's taken a lot of heat on the internet with people defending the codependency movement (of course), but Harley's work stands alone as a scathing criticism of pop-psychology codependence.