How D/s Has Helped My Marriage

In today's world, I see a lot of relationships without respect.

In some marriages, the man is in charge. In some, the woman. In some, they share responsibility. But many of these relationships lack a basic essential ingredient: respect.

This is because today, we focus so much on romantic love. It is our reason to date, our reason to get married, and the lack of it is our excuse when the marriage ends in divorce. Our culture, fueled by Hollywood and popular magazines, focuses on the search for love with a crazed determination.

Love is important, but focusing on just finding romantic love causes us to forget other essential ingredients to making marriages work: respect, communication, shared values, and common goals. Of these, I believe respect is the most important.

Vanilla people look at D/s and they think our relationships must lack respect. How can you respect someone if you control him or her, they ask?

Well, I'd answer, the same way my boss respects me. Having power over someone doesn't mean you don't respect them.

This idea that control, heirarchies, and unblanced power works in the business world, in our jobs and banks and economy and churches and cities but not in our homes, is a fallacy. When roles aren't clear-cut and parties don't have defined ideas about their responsibilities, obligations, and expectations, a power vacuum--and then a respect vacuum--ensues.

Why would I respect my husband for leading me if I'm leading just as much as he is? Why would he respect me for my submission and service when he's doing exactly the same thing?

Without D/s, we'd both lose respect for each other.

But with D/s, I respect my husband more. I see him as a leader. I see him as stronger and more fearless than I did when we tried to have a popular "egalitarian" marriage. I appreciate his career and work more than I did before. It makes me respect him more. Sex has become a service I am glad to be able to offer him instead of a chore I resented.

My husband respects me, too. He sees me doing chores and housework when I don't want to, just to make his life easier because I know he is so busy at work. He takes more of the weight of providing for us on his shoulders, and I accordingly take up more of the weight of making sure things at home get done. He respects the work I do, especially because he knows I don't necessarily enjoy it. Additionally, I'm becoming a much better cook because I'm getting practice. :)

I see my husband through different, more loving, eyes when he is also my Dom. Being Dom and submissive doesn't replace our marriage relationship... I see it more as an "optional addition" to our basic marriage package.

How has D/s helped my marriage?

• I appreciate my husband's work more
  


• I am more patient when he has to be at work longer




• I am more willing to do more than my fair share of household chores




• I am prouder to wear my wedding ring each day as I put it on




• I am more attracted to him physically




• I feel calmer and more relaxed when I'm in subspace




• I suddenly think about things like, "Which perfume would he want me to wear today?"




• I make more decisions based on what he'd want, even when he's not there




• I can rely on him to make decisions




• I can rely on him to handle conflict if I don't feel up to it right then




• I can be needy without feeling like a failure as a "modern, egalitarian" wife (because I'm not one!)




• I am more considerate of his needs, such as sleep or having his shoulders rubbed




• I have the freedom to be indecisive and defer to him, if I want (= reduced conflict with my family)




• I have someone who will take the initiative and make me do things I don't want to but are good for me (example: covering my head in church)




• I am not ashamed to ask him what a Bible passage means or the definition of a word I don't know; it's okay for him to know more sometimes




• I can be more open with my insecurities and neediness than when I had to maintain an "equal" image




• I see sex as a way to connect and/or a way to serve him, not as a chore that I resent




• I respect him more, which means...




• I am more attracted to him, which means...




• I am more interested in having sex with him




• I feel prouder to introduce him to people




• I can worry less about what other people (i.e. my mother) think of me




• I have somewhere safe to go after work or a stressful day

These are just some of the improvements I have noticed in our relationship. I'm not saying you can't get some of these without D/s, but Taken in Hand, Christian Domestic Discipline, The Surrendered Wife, and even basic marriage help books like Love and Respect are based around similar principles as D/s, but with a different twist to each. In the end, these relationships have arisen as some people's answer to uber-feminism and egalitarianism, which are ruining marriages and families in many instances.

For us, this works. It may be a journey some of you may find will work as well.