Positive and Negative Energy in BDSM

Many BDSM relationships have a special kind of energy. Other words for it include fizzle, spark, and chemistry. I think this is why people are attracted to the relationship between pleasure and pain. It creates an electrical sizzle that can make sex scarier, more intense, more frightening, more mind-blowing, and better. This energy flows between Doms and subs like from two separate ends of a battery. Together, they unite and ignite with a crackle, but two Doms or two subs will have a harder time getting that connection to flow.

There are two types of energy that flow between Doms and subs, positive and negative energy.

When I say this, I don't mean positive and negative as "good" and "bad" energy, but simply as two different types of energy. Negative energy, while not bad, is the type that drains you. Positive energy is the kind that heals and rejuvenates you.

Of course, positive and negative energy can change depending on the person. Doms, in my experience, can feed off both kinds of energy. They may prefer one or the other, but many can use both. On the other hand, while subs can give both kinds of energy, they often need to make sure there is a balance of both. If scenes are all about negative energy (activities that leave the sub drained and empty), eventually the sub will get too emotionally or physically drained. In the words of Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, her "love tank" will be empty.

Using too much negative energy in a relationship will leave a sub who is too drained to participate in scenes. This is what Doms talk about when they say "taking care of your sub." As a wise online Dom once said, "You can play rough with your toys, but you can't break them if you want to play with them again." :)

What are some examples of positive energy? They are scene activities that leave your sub feeling happy, rejuvinated, whole, and renewed. For me, some examples are:

• feeling little


• having an orgasm


• feeling intimate


• being in subspace (happy, floaty)

On the other hand, some activities leave me feeling more drained than before, like:

• being scared or frightened


• feeling vulnerable


• being physically hurt


• feeling worried, anxious, stressed, or panicked


• doing acts of service

This may vary from sub to sub, but for me these are how I feel. For instance, I know many subs feel that doing acts of service gives back to them, so for them it's positive energy.

Anyway, if you are a Dom, you need to make sure your scenes incorporate both types of energy, or your sub will get too drained. This helps keep her healthy and able to partipate in even more future BDSM scenes.

The Conquered Submissive

Many slaves and submissives in D/s relationships talk about concepts with clever little catch phrases like true submissive, authentic submission, freely given, and obedience.

While these type of forum discussions are certainly in the majority, those catch phrases make me squirm. Not in a good way.

I can admit it. I do not want to submit. I do not want to simper, kneel, bow, or modestly lower my eyes. I do not want to give him anything, I do not consider myself to have a true submissive personality, I do not have a longing to serve and I do not go quietly into that good night of consensual slavery.

Call me intelligent, call me mouthy, call me proud, call me haughty, call me educated, call me a feminist. You'd be right. I just can't give my husband submission. People are equals. I don't give my respect, and especially not my freedom, lightly. I give them to those powerhouse people in my life who earn it, people who awe me, people who defeat me.

I love, love reading the many submissive blogs out there by writers such as MD's Precious Treasure, Jake's Kajira, Peacefully Submissive (she's in labor right now, by the way!), Luna's Submissive Guide, and Persephone in Love. I learn so much, and I enjoy hearing about how a submissive woman can find true meaning, peace, and happiness with her mate.

But those women aren't me.

I don't want to be told not to sit on the toilet seat or denied an orgasm. I want to be conquered. I want to be dominated. I want to be subdued.

Because I'm a linguist, I have to point this out: did you notice that all those words I just used to describe what I want are derived from the verb form of the word? It's all about the action. To describe me as "submissive" rings false to me because I, while I greatly respect the women who do, do not get my main sense of identity from being dormant or servile. I don't want the identity of a submissive; I want to be with a man who holds the title of Dominant. He can be a dominant, a master, a warrior, a king. I want to get my identity, not from the quality of my actions, but from him. Who is he. That is where I want to derive my identity, and with it all the adjectives I use to describe myself.

Is this possible? I don't know. But at least I'm not alone.

It took me a long time to dredge these up out of the vast internet abyss (I know there's a lack of information by other people on this kind of D/s relationship because one of the first Google search results was mine), but eventually I managed to pull out a few "conquered" women posts and blogs after wading through the much vaster and more popular expanse of the blogs of willing slaves and submissives. Jake'skajira (her real name is Emma)'s blog was immensely helpful to me during my search; other than me, she is one of the few submissive women I know who struggles with the idea of being "submissive" and feels another label fits her better (I use "conquered," she uses "prey").

Here's what Emma had to say in How We Met:

He kissed me and put me in my car, I went home and furiously masturbated to the idea of him coming and forcing himself on me.

We weren't "bdsm" or Master and slave, but the reason I proposed to him, was because I asked him, "I think a wife is property of her husband, do you have an issue with that?"

He knew he wanted a D/s style relationship with someone who was adaptable and mold-able... who didn't mind his being a control freak. I was looking for an "old fashioned relationship with a man who wouldn't let me walk all over him and could put up with my crazy shit."

And here are some quotes that really resonated with me from her post Submissive:

I am not service oriented, I don't "obey" or do things the way most people who identify as submissive do (title wise). I submit in the true sense of the word, when I am pushed, and forced, I submit. I lower my eyes, even as I cuss him out. My body language gives me away even when my mind is rebelling, its so instinctual in my wiring, that I can't help it.

It's the deer-in-head light look when he catches me off guard, its the way I say no and fight him, but if he pushes hard enough, I give in.

I am not wired like that. I am not "submissive" in the sense of how most people use it here on fetlife.

It's easy to call yourself submissive when you willingly are doing it, when you acknowledge that you want to do those things... think in my head, its easier for me to think of being victimized or prey, then feel weak as a person to submit to things I hate.

It's easy to say yes. It's easy to call yourself submissive when its a choice.

It's a whole nother ball game when it's not a choice.

Amen, sister! I really liked the part about how she feels different from most submissives on Fetlife, but that doesn't make her any less of a submissive in a D/s relationship, which she has. And it's so true that it's easy to be a sub when it's what you want, what you crave and desire, and when you have needs to be of service that get met. It's a lot harder when you don't have a need to submit, but you do have a need to fight and be defeated by a strong, fearless man who will love and protect and yes, even defeat you.

This sub on an online forum also echoed these same ideas of wanting to be conquered:

In my public life i am a brassy, confident woman. However, in my mind I have always wanted to be taken, owned and conquered.

The advice given to her in the forum? Take baby steps. Sigh.

Although it isn't technically a BDSM site, I went to Taken in Hand hoping they, at least, would have some pro-women-not-being-doormats articles, and as usual, I was not disappointed. I can always count on TiH to have a good mix of willingly submissive and completely conquered women.

One article, The Subjection of Women (do they mean the "subjugation" of women????) had these words of wisdom, music to my bratty ears:

Some women want and need to be brought into subjection. They crave the man's control and respond positively to active control, but without active control on his part submission is impossible. These women cannot fake submission; it must be real. It cannot be a pretence, a role-playing game or a lifeless cardboard cut-out imitation. It must be from the heart and soul, no hint of artificiality, acting or mendacity. But when a man brings such a woman into subjection and thereby releases her delitescent submissiveness, the power and reality and unforced naturalness of her submission can be awe-inspiring.

I also love DeeMarie's thoughtful article, The Importance of Conquest:

When I describe myself as “submissive” I mean something rather specific: I mean that I really enjoy being conquered by a strong, masculine, dominant man, and being forced to surrender to him. But I don't just submit to a man if he is not able and willing to actually conquer me. I don't even quite know what that would mean. I find it hard to relate at all to the idea of submission without conquest. If the man is just going to sit there like a lump of jello and not actively dominate me, then why in the world would I submit to him? I might as well ‘submit’ to the sofa.

A wonderful, wonderful article on conquering women that should be read by all Dominant men and women and all subs can be found on the Taken in Hand website. I'm not sure if the author is a man or a woman (I hope a man, because I want to marry him?), but if you're struggling with the idea of conquering as opposed to submitting, this article offers a candid look at consensual non-consent and answers such important questions and issues as these:


* Bring a woman into subjection? No! I must have consent, or I will not control. I abhor violence! I am a firm believer in fully equal rights for women.
* What I want is a submissive woman who will willingly surrender, not a shrew who needs to be tamed.

* Forced submission? If submission is not freely given, I don't want it!

* If she wants her man to lead, why doesn't she just follow him?”
* Why would a man have any interest in fighting a woman for control?”
* Why bother?
* Sounds like a lot of work to me. Why would any man want a woman who is so difficult?”

To read more of this insightful, awesome article, click here.

And good luck in your conquering.

P.S. The Subjection of Women links for some reason aren't working; simply refresh the page or re-click the http once you get the 403 error and it will go straight there!

Vulnerability and Training a Slave

One of the benefits of BDSM relationships is its openness to complete vulnerability.

In BDSM scenes, both the top and the bottom can let go and be completely, nakedly open. Their most evil thoughts and desires? Open. Their most needy, pathetic thoughts? Bared. It's an incredibly vulnerable experience, one that often frightens me to no end.

Vulnerability can be a positive thing when received by a loving, self-controlled Master who will not abuse or take advantage of the sub. Read this affirmation of his subs by Jack Rinella:

Frankly I will correct every negative statement uttered by a submissive. I will remind them that they are good people, beautiful and capable. I will do my best to back my words with actions that support, encourage, and affirm their very high worth as humans.

The vulnerability found in BDSM can be a beautiful, albeit frightening, experience. Masters can make or break their slaves. I think it is perhaps this utter control that frightens vanilla writers who are so against BDSM. They want (rightly) to protect the weak from being annihilated by a power-hungry Master. And it is true that BDSM involves a scary level of power exchange. Lives and emotional wellbeing can be in danger. Do some Masters use this power for destruction and pain? Sure. That's why subs and aspiring slaves must be very careful to find a Master like the one described above, one who uses his complete power to build up and heal, not annihilate or destroy. To be a good Master is a large responsibility. If the idea of accidentally breaking your sub doesn't frighten you, it should.

Power is like fire, according to Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton, authors of The New Bottoming Book. Fire can destroy if uncontrolled. Fire can provide heat and light if used carefully. Like everything, BDSM can be abused. It can also be wielded carefully and with forethought, and can illuminate the life of the holders.

When you give control to someone, if that person has a clue what he or she is doing, things can progress very fast. In an article about vulnerability, Master Stuart's pet says:

My transition from novice sub to trained sub to enslaved collared pet was a speedy one.

But sometimes my Dom is not sure how to make me progress from "novice sub" to "trained sub" and especially not to "enslaved sub." Some people progress very quickly, others not at all. I hope I don't turn out to be one of those not-at-all people.

Vulnerability for me, right now, can be a huge turn-off. But I still enjoy the physical vulnerability of BDSM. So maybe I can't always open myself, mind and emotions, but I can enjoy the simulation of that sacred act by being physically overpowered, physically vulnerable.

Sometimes my Dom acts out of anger or what a vanilla asshole would do, which can be easily confused with what a BDSM Master would do, but are rarely the same despite their seeming similarities. But B.E.S.T. slave training says

The Master should not apply consequences out of anger. The consequences should be well thought out and appropriate to "fit the crime." The purpose is to modify the slave’s behavior so that it pleases her Master.

The point here is for the Master to be slowly, with an end goal in sight, working toward that goal. He wants to change the sub to be more pleasing to him, so no sub will be trained exactly the same way by a different Master. In a relationship with one Master, my training could be completely different from another. I've heard of Masters who make slaves walk without swinging their left arms, slaves who can't use the furniture, and slaves who have to stop using pads and tampons during their periods. It's completely up to what that Master wants.

Of course, when you start a training program, you should expect resistance. Subs and slaves are humans, and no matter how much they want to be a submissive, you are both fighting a lifetime of social norms and millenia of cultural information. Women and men are raised to act a certain way, and this can be seen throughout history. A free, consensual slave is unheard of in the annals of history, and so the two of you must slowly and painstakingly erase hundreds of pages from your mental history textbooks and refill the pages with your own story, without any help from anyone else. How do you want your slave to look? to act? to think? to be? It's a hard question to answer, and one that could take hours and weeks of thought.

For more info for Doms and Masters, check out these articles:

• The Difference Between Dominant and Domineering


• Dom Training: Managing a Slave

Totally Normal Spanking Fantasies

Do you get turned on by the following?

• husbands spanking their wives after typical relationship fights?
• having a naughty wife you have to spank to keep her reigned in?
• orgasm during spankings?
• orgasm from being told a spanking or punishment story?
• bad adults being lectured and humiliated as part of their punishment?
• begging for spankings to stop?
• spankings that end in tears?
• having a bare bottom beaten mercilessly with a hairbrush or paddle?
• spanking your naughty sub like the little girl she is?

Then you'll love this article by Sera Miles, where she talks about her experience as an adult phone sex partner and all the "weird" desires that are actually totally common and normal. And although I normally write about male dominance/female submission because that is my persona experience, Ms. Miles writes about female dominance/male submission, and as such is a breath of fresh air in a community that normally focuses on female submission.

Of course, I think that going to an adult phone line for your sexual and masturbation needs is a sin, but that doesn't mean I have anything against those people personally. The Bible gives guidelines for Christians to live by, and we can't force non-believers to make the same sacrifices we do. Of course, I believe God's moral commands are the same for everyone, but being a non-believer who abstains from sin doesn't make you a believer. You have to change the soul first, then worry about the actions. So this blog isn't about the sinfulness of adult phone companies (who say they are for "distinguished gentlemen"--ha! As if! You're paying to jack off with a stranger. I mean, really!), but about what is normal in spanking fetishes. And I believe Sera Miles definitely has enough experience to know what is normal and not with her clients.

Honestly, it makes me relieved to know that many people pretend to be younger during spanking scenes. Sometimes, when my Dom spanks me, I feel like a very angry and defiant adult. But every once in a while, I feel small and tiny and want to curl up around him when he is done and be cuddled like a very small girl. I certainly felt a sigh of relief when Ms. Miles said that many of her clients feel the same way.

You know who has some other really hot spanking stories? The Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD) websites. This one in particular, a true spanking story by a CDD wife called In This Moment, I Am His! has always been such a sexy story for me. Yummm.

Excuse me for a moment while I'm lost in thought...

Young Submissive Female Looking for Generous Slaves. Will Travel.

Dang. I need to get a slave.

I've been perusing the blogs of Sera Miles and Mistress Twilight. That lucky Mistress Twilight has slaves that keep sending her gifts! It makes me so jealous I could scream. Look at this new pair of shoes sent to her by Slave Cindy, or these heels sent by Submissive Steve. Or look at this luscious cane set sent to her by Slave Jim! I'm so jealous! I want a slave to send me gifts!!!!!

I'd stamp my feet now if I weren't sitting down with a computer on my lap.

Clearly, it is time for me to make a "Sexpert's Wish List" on my blogger profile. Maybe my husband will take the hint. Sigh.

Curse you, Mistress Twilight! You've made me long for kinky fetish toys.

Fetish Events in NM and MO

Thanks to BDSM blogger David for showing me this hilarious website, where I have now spent several happy minutes giggling. The cartoon above is my favorite I've found so far. Doesn't it just perfectly sum up love and marriage?

I'm a bit frustrated today. The closer we get to summer ending and work starting, the more I'm dreading it. I love summers. I love sleeping in, spending all day blogging, reading, and piddling, and then spending time with my Dom when he gets home. I hate working, schedules, and waiting numbly for my next vacation. Sigh. It makes me very sad.

We're looking at cheap vacations to Jamaica or the Bahamas. I'm so frustrated by this, since 1.) the cheap vacation package deals are CONSTANTLY CHANGING and 2.) my Dom can never get off work and 3.) when he can get off work, I'm working, so I have to decide if it's worth pissing off my new employers and losing a paycheck for an entire week. Bummer. Who knew looking at Caribbean vacations could be so depressing?

There is a national kink event from September 17-18 called Evolution of the Revolution (EvoRevo) by Sera Miles. I'm dying to go, and am really sad because I already have commitments that entire weekend. Even worse, there's no way I could justify the plane tickets out there plus two hotel nights, and I doubt my Dom would let me go all by myself, and he has to work. Sigh. I feel that as a blogger I really need to get out there and attend and teach at regional and national fetish events like this, but before I can do that I need a generous sponsor to donate lots of money so I can afford to travel out there. Dang!

Sigh. Maybe when I win the lottery. New car, savings, maid, landscape artist, trip around the world, and then fetish events around the USA. (Yes, I have a list of things I want once I win the lottery.)

For those of you in the Midwest, there's also a K.U.F.F. fetish and play party in St. Louis this month. Again, I can't go.... stupid prior commitments. My Dom's sister is getting married that day, so there's no way we can back out. And I really want to go to my first fetish event!!!!!! (::stamps foot::)

The kitties are playing and I'm too depressed to look at Caribbean vacations any more. I guess I'll go make some low-carb chicken salad lettuce wraps with raspberry fool. Yum. :)

Media Watch Blog Attacks S&M

Media Watch Blog, a group dedicated to identifying and exposing hidden biases of discrimination, hate, or violence in the media and on the web, is now attacking BDSM lifestyles.

Honestly, I can understand where they get it. To the observer, BDSM can be scary--it's violent and often based on vast power imbalances that remind people of ancient days of slavery and women staying at home. But what is always clear about BDSM, in every site or book you read about it, is that BDSM is consensual and that both partners want it. Is Media Watch saying that adults who voluntarily relinquish power should not have the power to do so?

The article lists 10 "lies" about sadomasochism. I'm addressing some of them here.

Lie #1: Pain is Pleasure. The author claims that those who think "pain is pleasure" are enslaved by our culture's insistence that women demonstrate a love for others that is selfless and sometimes harmful to the woman. Well, obviously this author has never had an orgasm from being spanked or having her nipples pinched.

Lie #2: Sadomasochism is love and trust. This isn't a lie; healthy BDSM honestly takes a much higher level of trust for someone than a normal, equal-control marriage. The article points out (accurately) that there are many parallels between BDSM and cults, rape, and sexual assault. This is true, but BDSM is safe, consenual, and used with safewords. Power exchanges in BDSM are used for the enjoyment and betterment of both partners; this is never the case in rape.

Sadomasochism has to do with annihilation. Contrary to the popular legend that sadomasochism expands one’s sexuality, I believe that it restricts and ultimately destroys one’s sexual being. Subordination, humiliation , and torture are all means of deliberately destroying the self.

I have two problems with this statement. First, my experience with S&M is not one of annihilation. My husband does not seek to "destroy" my sense of self, but to encourage me to bare and accept the darker, scarier aspects of my sexuality. If I hadn't been abused when I was younger, maybe I wouldn't be drawn to BDSM, but I am, and this allows me to enjoy sex in a way that makes sense to me.

Lie #3: Sadomasochism is not racist and anti Semitic even though we “act” like slave owners and enslaved Africans, Nazis and persecuted Jews.
Okay, this one is weird to me. I've heard of BDSMers acting like parents, bosses, masters, lovers, and rapists, but I've never heard of any M/s relationships that compared themselves to enslaved Africans or Nazis and Jews. Africans were enslaved involuntarily; they did not put out personal ads on kinky websites asking to find a Master to match their true submissive natures. The Nazis were a group that hated the Jews and so tried to kill them; Masters love their slaves and so try to lead them.

Lie #4: Sadomasochism is consensual; no one gets hurt if they don’t want to get hurt. No one has died from sadomasochistic “scenes.”

Is it ever OK to consent to one’s own humiliation and victimization? I do not
think so.

Wait. A feminist who thinks females should NOT be allowed to choose their own preferences and sexual expression? How original. (::rolls eyes::) And yes, of course people have died from these scenes; I've never heard anyone claim otherwise. BDSM is dangerous; that's why we bloggers and teachers scream "Safewords!" and "Safety First!" Deaths and injury have occured. I've written about these topics myself.


Lie #9: Reenacting abuse heals abuse. Sadomasochism heals emotional wounds from childhood sexual assault.

A greater percentage of women “into sadomasochism” have histories of childhood sexual assault, than those women who do not participate in sadomasochism. However, sadomasochism obscures the real pain and abuse of women...Sadomasochism is a repetition, not a healing, of childhood sexual assault. Some have suggested that sadomasochism can actually be physiologically addictive.

Yes, I've heard that women with histories of assault are more likely to end up in the BDSM community. I've actually conducted a survey on BDSM and abuse with similar findings. However, there are many men and women in the community with no history of abuse. Whether a woman is healing or simply repeating her learned helplessness, if she is with a loving, permanent partner who allows her to enjoy sexuality the way she wants to, can this be wrong? Sure, I find it likely that my past experiences with nonconsenual power exchange, emotional abuse, and sexually manipulative men shaped me into a woman who enjoys being sexually submissive. So? My husband knows this and is careful with me. He is willing to do what feels "right" to me, no matter what society thinks. When I safeword, there has never been an instance where he did not stop immediately. In fact, even with past boyfriends, if I safeworded or indicated I was ready to stop, there has never been a time a man did not immediately respect my wish.


In all honesty, I think it's good that there are people out there writing thoughtful, well-documented articles against BDSM. With all the good and not-so-good BDSM resources out there, it's easy for newbies or wanna-bes to fall into BDSM and fancy themselves the World's Next Great Master or the Twoo Submissive Searching for Love. It's important for us to realize that yes, there are people who abuse BDSM and use it for violence, abuse, slavery, racism, and other bad things. I'm honestly glad someone pointed it out. But to pretend like that's all BDSM is? That's an obvious lie.

Wait, maybe we could add that to Media Watch's list!

Lie #11: Sadomasochism is harmful for its adherents.

Punishment without Pain

When it comes to punishment, my Dom always seems to fall back on the obvious: causing pain!

Spanking, slapping, spanking, paddling, spanking, whipping, spanking...

I don't like pain. It annoys me. Once I burst out into hysterical and completely unstoppable laughter from his swats.

Aside from the many, many psychology and educational psych reports that spanking and other physical punishment are bad for children, teach them to fear and not to respect, teach them that power can be gained through violence rather than earned, teach them to solve disputes through violence, teach violence over rational, fair problem-solving skills, and moreover do not deter bad behavior, a lot of BDSM sites are really into spanking.

If it's because that turns them on, rather than they think it's actually a good way to teach people lessons, more power to them. A lot of people are incredibly turned on by being spanked or spanking. Recently, a couple I know who have kinky leanings (rough sex, biting, etc.) but would never call themselves into "BDSM", relayed this conversation to me:

"I asked him if he wanted to spank me with his belt. He spanked me, and at the
end, he thought about it and said, 'That turned me on a lot more than I thought
it would.'"

There is absolutely nothing wrong with spanking if it turns people on. Spanking and punishment (real and simulated) can be very sexy, trust me! But what about when a Dom or Master or Mistress or Daddy wants to actually teach a lesson, perhaps a long-term lesson that will takes weeks or months, and cannot just be solved by one spanking?

Here are some ideas for punishing without using violence:

• lectures (make them meaninful, learning experiences, not just scoldings)


• withdrawl of priveleges (may seem too infantile to some subs)


• cage or corner time (also a bit infantile... some people are into that)


• carefully explaining the desired behavior, why it is desired, and why it is best for the sub and the couple


• modeling better behavior yourself


• not being allowed to initiate any physical contact for a set amount of time


• saying simply that you are disappointed and offering a better solution for next time


• bondage for a set amount of time


• writing a letter explaining what was done wrong and how this will be corrected in the future


• cold showers


• no dessert


• cleaning chored, with a only a toothbrush if you're feeling really evil >:-)


• deciding upon a punishment together, with the input of the sub


• back up and re-do the situation immediately, this time with the correct ending


• lose furniture priveleges


• lose collar


• write sentences

A lot of Doms and Dommes will say to ignore the slave, but I have to warn you that giving "the silent treatment" is a form of emotional abuse and is not a healthy thing to start doing in your relationship. Also, if you have a sub or pet who was abused in the past, even slight emotional abuse may set them off.

Other suggestions I read included sensory deprivation, but this should only be used for a SHORT time since people can hallucinate and experience dementia after very short bouts of sensory deprivation.

Honestly, it's more important to have a healthy, stable slave than to punish him or her. I wouldn't ever recommend using sensory deprivation or the silent treatment and risk your slave's emotional health.

Also, talk this over with your sub. Some subs (like me) hate to be treated like children. I am a submissive, not a child! So I don't want to be punished like a kid, with spankings, writing lines, or being "grounded." My Dom is not my mother and I prefer to be treated like an adult. Therefore, I'd always prefer punishments that we agree on together--either beforehand or after the fact--or that focus primarily on adult, problem-solving discussions where he tells me what he didn't like, why he didn't like it, and how he would like the problem to be fixed in the future.

On the other hand, I know there are many subs and slaves who adore being treated younger and giving up that power! For those people, spankings, writing lines, or corner time may be a great idea and may turn both partners on. In the end, it's whatever works for the two of you.

Ideas for Age Play

If you engage in age play, or want to try it, there are really no rules.

You can pretend to be any age you want. Partners of either gender can take turns playing the "little," or if one of you feels more comfortable always being the little and the other one feels more natural as a Mommy, Daddy, Auntie, or babysitter, you can stick to those rules for as long as they make you happy.

If you're interested in age play, try different ideas for your BDSM scenes, such as:

• pick one age you feel you are and stick with it
• don't pick any age, just "go with the flow"
• change your "age" from day to day for variety
• change your personality as a little (bratty, sweet, sleepy, needy, playful, hyper...)
• invest in some cute undies or adult diapers that make you feel your little's age
• make cookies and watch Disney movies or other movies that remind you of being younger!
• if your little is a teenager, experiment with makeup or hair styles like a real teen!
• drink chocolate milk and engage in fun, silly foods like green eggs and ham or mac n' cheese
• play with dolls, trucks, legos, or coloring books. These are relaxing and fun for adults, too!
• cuddle and feel free to act your most vulnerable

My Dom and I don't regularly do age play, but we have tried it out and liked it. Sometimes he will just be able to tell when I'm feeling small and will ask me, "How old do you feel?" Sometimes I'm not sure of an age, or I just know that I feel vulnerable and needy, but not necessarily younger.

Other times, I do feel younger. Sometimes we'll even do a scene where we pretend I'm two different ages: for age play to be effective for me, I need to feel under the age of puberty to be able to regain some of that lost innocence, so I'll pick 10 or 12, while my Dom feels creepy if he pictures me prepubescent and he'll picture me as 14 or 16. We both just keep those different images in our heads and the scene works fine (apparently what I think of as 12-year-old behavior seems fine to him as 16-year-old behavior as well!).

The great thing about age play is that it is very freeing. There are no "rules" for how children have to act. In this headspace, the little can feel free to vent anger, throw tantrums, be self-absorbed, cry without a good reason, and whine shamelessly. Children and teens have a certain innocence and raw self-absorption we lose or mask as adults, and it can be freeing to finally be able to crawl up and cry, or yell, or just play with G.I. Joes and trucks, and not worry about bills, children, relationships, jobs, money, and all the stresses and responsibilities that come with being an adult.

Oh, People Love to Make Fun of Kinky Christians

That's right, the media is having a big laugh at our expense.

I can hardly blame them.

Christians have developed a reputation for being anti-sex, anti-fun, and anti-experimentation. This isn't really fair, since fundamentalist Christians that fit that description are really only a small minority of the rest of us (10% of worldwide Christians, although they do make up 60% of U.S. Christians), but it's a pervasive picture nonetheless.

I know Christians who drink and who don't drink. I know Christians who get wasted and ones who believe it's only okay to have alcohol in small amounts. I know Christians who never touch the stuff. I know Christians who smoke pot, smoke cigarettes, have premarital sex, have gay relationships, live with their boyfriends, have anal sex, have kinky sex, and don't even kiss before they're married. Sure, some of us are sinning, but it still happens. We're pretty much all across the spectrum, but people assume we're all fundamentalists.

The Christian focus on not sinning makes us look like a bunch of people who hate sex and only advocate it within monogamous, heterosexual marriage (the first part is false, by the way).

So when we Christians have kinky sex, or write books about great vanilla married sex, the media has a hayday with it.

Personally, I enjoy hearing about the views of people who don't agree with me, although I rarely want to engage them in personal debate. Also, it's my "cheat day" from my low-carb diet, so that's reason to be happy about just about anything!

Want to read some people horrified at/making fun of kinky Christians?

There are posts on Fetlife where people say being into BDSM is inherently against Christianity.

The article Need a Good Spanking? Try CDD! claims:

With descriptions such as those, who could resist the pull of a Christian
Domestic Discipline marriage? It has it all: domestic violence, homophobia, and
the humiliation of women. I had thought my marriage, based on equality, mutual
respect, and openness was solid. I see now that I have let my selfish feminism
cloud my view.

I mean, you have to admit that fundamentalist Christians bringing about spanking is a little funny, given the way the world sees them.

Praise the Lord and Pass the Adjustable Nipple Clamps is another witty and satirical look at Christian BDSM. Poking fun, not at CDD, but at Christian full-on BDSM websites, the author quips:

But anyone who's ever asked himself, "WWJD with these tit clamps?" can find
godly direction and spiritual uplift clicking here."

I almost think that, since the general population feels very threatened by fundamentalist Christians trying to tell them how and when to have sex, they feel even more threatened when those same Christians seem to enjoy sex, even if it's (gasp!) kinky. It's hard to connect a church you've decided "hates sex and fun" so you can feel justified to ignore them and do whatever you want sexually, when those same churches you've stereotyped now have married couples practicing BDSM according to Biblical rules. It certainly breaks the mold of the "typical Christian," I'll give you that.

Even more laughs can be found at What Happens When Fundamentalists Get Into BDSM? I mean, everyone knows Christians can't have good sex and should be ashamed of the sex they do have (assuming they have sex, since so many of them have kids!). So obviously, Christians into spanking and kink must just have stolen good sex from "real" kinksters and slapped a new name on it. See below:

Pray tell, what shall you do if you are a fundamentalist Christian who is into BDSM? Well, you change the terminology and call it "Christian Domestic Discipline". Thereafter, you declare this as an "enhancement" for your traditional marriage.

As is expected, someone has spent a great deal of time and effort building a website dedicated to Christian Domestic Discipline. The webmaster is Leah Kelley and she declares herself to be virulently anti-feminist. Not only is she proudly submissive, she declares this is God's plan.

I can definitely see the point that is made about some CDD websites out there, include this critique from Beating God Into Her:

If it’s not a zany form of Christian BDSM, then the alternate explanation of CDD must be that it’s a justification for domestic abuse invoking a higher authority. That’s where it transitions from kooky to sinister.

Yeah. I mean, if women are using CDD and Christian kink to let their husbands control and abuse them, make them skinnier, or keep them from cutting their hair too short (as the article suggests), I'd say that's pretty crazy stuff.

My last laugh comes from Something Awful, one of my favorite fun-poking websites, who has this to say about Christian D/s websites:

Christians have long been missing out on the joys of BDSM, but thankfully some guy on the Internet is going to change that. He's tearing off a chunk of the secular BDSM world's skin, polishing it up, and giving it to Christians. Turns out BDSM is A-OKAY if you're a Christian, just so long as it involves a married couple and the female is always submissive. So get out those whips and chains and enjoy some good old fashioned God-sanctioned ball-gagging and anal torture. If you still have questions, this inexplicable FAQ should clear everything up.

Okay, that's funny, but Something Awful also writes about everything terrible on the internet, from people screwing dogs and their neighbor's cows, to sites that advocate mother-daughter incestuous relationships, to people who drink blood and pretend they're vampires. Do "spanking Christians" really fit into the group with dog rapists? I mean, really?

My only conclusion is that people don't want Christians to have good, kinky, fun sex. If we're trying to control them from having all the kinky, nasty, sinful, albeit consenual sex they want, then by golly, we should not be allowed to enjoy sex, either! How dare we enjoy sex within our boring, two-person, monogamous, lifelong marriages? Never mind that research shows married women in long-term marriages have better sex than our "sexually liberated," younger, single counterparts.

So when the movement that is known for homophobia, sexism, and religious intolerance starts having fun, nonconventional, kinky sex, well, that is just too much! Christians should just hunker down and have boring, non-existent sex like we want single and gay people to do.

And when we do something they don't understand, well, like most people do when they don't understand something... they fear us... they make fun of us.... and if that makes them feel better, good for them.

While they're writing a blog worrying about why devout Christians shouldn't be allowed to live out their ridiculous, scary fantasies, I'm enjoying mind-blowing sex with my husband. Oh well.

Christians Can't Have Kinky Sex?

Okay, I live in the Bible belt. But I'm still sometimes shocked and a little alarmed by the ignorance of my fellow Christians about their sexuality.

If it's not totally clear by reading my blog, I'm a Christian who engages in kinky, BDSM-style sex with my husband. I believe some BDSM activities can be a sin, but I think most of them are okay within a monogamous marriage. I was raised a Catholic in the Bible belt, so I learned just because a few evangelicals say something doesn't mean the Bible does. I was also lucky enough to be in a home that encouraged open and honest discussions of our sexuality, promoted healthy and mutually satisfying sexual relationships within marriage, and was very open to any aspect of my sexuality that I wanted to explore once I was married to a good Christian man. My parents encouraged me to wait for sex til marriage, but they made it clear they'd rather me be honest and practice safe sex if I decided not to wait.

So sometimes, I'm just a bit flabbergasted by my Christian friends and acquaintances.

Case in point:

I was at play practice with one of my friends. Our theatre has hired three ballerinas from a local ballet company, and one of them was practicing her routine. Her flexibility, grace, and musicality were beautiful and astounding. She was so graceful and light on her feet! I was awed by the beauty of her dancing, her flexibility, and her control.

She executed a move where she pulled her leg straight up over her head while lying on her back, very similar to this one: but lying down. I whispered to my friend, "Wow... she is just so... amazing!" After a moment's pause, I added, "And her husband is so lucky!"

My 20-year-old Christian friend looked at me in shock and said, "Yes, but they're Christian, so I don't think they do anything kinky like that."

I had to sit and process this for a moment, just in case I'd heard wrong. I mean, it's "kinky" to have sex with your leg above your head?!? I wouldn't call that kinky or even a really experimental position. It's just a standard deviation from the missionary position for people with a little extra flexibility or who want some deeper penetration.

So what I got from this statement, is that the anti-Christian media and sex educators aren't actually lying about how grossly misrepresented sex is among Christians. I didn't know there were young people in our country who actually thought it might be a sin to have sex with your husband with your leg up over your head, much less bondage or spanking or (gasp) Master/slave relationships. But here she was, sincere and confused and honestly asking me a question. I didn't have the heart to laugh at her, so I endeavored to answer her honestly and seriously.

I told her, as an older Christian she trusts, that I thought the Bible didn't have anything against kinky sex once you were married. I said as long as the kinky things you do are consenual, they're fine, although of course one partner should not force another into kinkiness. She wanted to know if the Bible said anything against oral sex in marriage (it doesn't) and what I thought about birth control.

Finally, I said tentatively, "You know, I've seen some websites where... Christian couples have kinky sex, even... using handcuffs or maybe spanking each other."

She looked pretty shocked, but she listened.

Once my Dom picked me up from practice, I was deep in thought about this conversation. She is a genuine Christian, a sweet girl, and a very smart woman. But because (I assume) no one in her family or church has ever talked to her about sex, she really had no idea what was and was not okay for married Christians. My view is that God created sex and He wants married partners to have an awesome sex life. This is echoed in Christian books such as The Act of Marriage, And the Bride Wore White, Sex and the Soul of a Woman, and Who Moved the Goal Post?

God doesn't put restrictions on sex because He hates sex or thinks it is dirty or wrong, no matter what some churches seem to think. The restrictions on sex (don't have sex with animals/children, don't commit adultery, don't have gay sex, don't lust after your brothers and sisters in Christ, don't engage in sexual activity before marriage) are there to protect us, just like a parent who warns their child not to play in the street is not doing so out of a malicious intent to deny their child the fun of playing in the street. In all of the cases where the Bible forbids a certain type of sex, God is trying to protect the individuals involved from STDs, heartache, sexual abuse, and dysfunctional sexuality, or He is trying to protect other people from becoming victims (children, animals, or the spouse being cheated on). Rules about sex are there to protect and elevate our sexuality above animalistic screwing to sacred bonding.

Sure, there are lots of (non-Christian) websites either criticizing or making fun of kinky or D/s Christian sites. "Who would Jesus spank?" or "Wear nipple clamps for Jesus!" are apparently really funny slogans to these people. They love to make fun of Christians for being anti-sex, misogynistic, sexist, patriarchal, and boring in their sex lives, but that's because they don't understand the sacredness within a solid Christ-based marriage.

Until our churches start allowing sex education, at least discussing with teenagers what a great, fulfilling sex life can be within marriage, children are going to keep misunderstanding Christianity's message about sex. If we ignore the issue, kids get the idea that sex is secretive, dirty, and shameful. No wonder non-Christians think we're so backwards about sex.

So yes, Virginia, Christians can have flexible, leg-bending sex. They can even use paddles or vibrators or nipple clamps. Sex doesn't have to be boring and it doesn't have to be in the missionary position. And no, my husband and I don't make love between a thick blanket with a hole cut out of it and a stopwatch.

Is it Necessary to Give "Total Submission"?

If you look at online kink forums and Fetlife, you'll sometimes notice that people seem to think a "good" sub is someone in a 24/7 Total Power Exchange (TPE) relationship.

That's great for people living in TPE relationships, but what about people who are in online relationships or simply can't or don't want to ve in full-time D/s relationships?

Is it possible to be a good sub and not submit 100% of the time? Yes. Is it okay to identify as a submissive or slave and still struggle with giving up your sense of self at times? Yes. Check out the following quote from a Fetlife member:

I wish I knew how to give total submission. I'm struggling to let go of my
personal power and give myself to my Master fully.

This is how I feel every day. Total submission isn't just something you can decide to give and then it magically happens. Like being a good wife, husband, or parent, it's a process. Like being sacrificial, selfless, or generous, there are things we must sometimes work at.

The good news is, the more you practice submitting, the more easily it will come to you. And the same goes for mastery over another human being: the more you are dominating, the easier it will be to get close to a 24/7 goal, if that's your goal.

But for those of you who don't really want to be in a 24/7 TPE relationship, that's fine. Don't believe all the BDSM websites that make it seem like the only niche for you in the BDSM world is either as a Master (Mistress) or as a slave.

There is room in BDSM for pets, owners, part-time lovers who just like to try a little spanking and bondage from time to time, submissives, switches, masochists, sadists, Daddies, Mommies, little girls, and part-time submissives. There is no "One Right Way" to forge your relationship and there is no "goal" such as, "You must become a completely submissive person within 3 months of entering your D/s relationship." Heck, my Dom and I have been D/s for two years and we still haven't mastered the full-time dynamic. I still act like a bossy brat sometimes, per my upbringing, and sometimes we just act like a normal vanilla couple.

And you know what? That's okay.

Low-Carb Dieting

My Dom and I are currently trying out a low-carb diet. I'm going to file this post under my Submission household and cooking section, and if you are interested in using any of the recipes below please feel free.

I'm five foot five and a half inches, and in college and for three years after college I always weighed between 118-124 lbs. Once I moved back home for France, however, I suddenly gained some weight out of nowhere. I tried small things like cutting out soda or eating lower-fat snacks, I tried cutting calories, and I enrolled in some dance classes, but nothing worked for me. I'm currently 135 lbs. and would like to get back down to 125, which I think is a healthy weight for someone with a small body frame and is only 26 years old and never born children. Mostly, though, I'm doing it so I feel better about myself. My Dom likes me as much at this weight as he did before, but I'll feel better if I can fit into my old clothes again. It seems like 26 is too young to suddenly start gaining 10 lbs. in a few months.

The only diet I've really tried that worked for me was the low-carb diet, which is what Atkins and South Beach are based on. Since my favorite foods in the world are carbs (breads, pastas, cookies, cakes, potatoes, etc.) and sugars, this diet is hell for me, but at least I can eat as much as I want and don't have to starve myself. My Dom is doing the diet with me as a "sympathy diet," so I don't have to watch him snarfing carbs while I'm longingly watching, and so he can lose some of his tummy fat.

Right now I'm on day 3, and we're trying to stay under 20 grams of carbohydrates per day. Since even non-carb foods like nuts, cheeses, and meats have a few grams of carbs, that means I can have NO traditional sweets or carbs and must watch even the types of meats and nuts I eat. It makes me tired and dizzy because right now my body is in "withdrawl" mode and isn't sure what to do without the carbs.

If you try a low-carb diet, you have to count grams of carbs really carefully. You also have to get creative with your meal and snack choices. The first few days, you can expect to lose about 2 lbs. per day, simply because you are losing water weight. After that, you can lose around 1 lbs. a day. You give yourself a "cheat" day once a week to eat whatever carbs and sugars you want, but the other 6 days of the week you have to carefully count grams of carbs in everything.

If you're interested in trying this diet for your or your Dom, here are some sample recipes I've created that are not found on the net and other dieting sites.

Snacks:

• 1/4 cup pistachios, 2.5 g carbs.
• 1/2 cup fresh raspberries, 3.5 g carbs
• 1 c fresh whole mushrooms, 2 g carbs
• 2 deviled eggs, 3 g carbs

Breakfasts:

• 2 hard-boiled eggs, with yolk, 2.2 g carbs
• 2 scrambled eggs, 2.4 g carbs
• 2 fried eggs (.8 g) with 2 slices bacon (.24 g)=1.04 g carbs total
• 2 scrambled eggs (2.4 g) with 2 oz Velveeta cheese (5 g) = 7.4 g total
• 2 scrambled eggs (2.4 g) covered with 1 cup shredded cheddar cheese (1.5) = 3.9 g carbs total

Meals:

• 1 chicken wing, roasted, (0 carbs) with 1 large dill pickle (4 g carbs) and 1 c freshly steamed broccoli (3 g carbs)= 7 g carbs total
• 1 c ground beef (1 carbs) mixed with 2 T salsa (2.5 g carbs) and 1 c shredded lettuce (.6 g carbs) = 3.1 g carbs total
• 1 c broiled chicken, cut into small pieces (0 carbs), 2 T Kraft Mayo Light (2.6 g carbs), salt, pepper, and dill eaten in a leaf of iceberg lettuce (.6 carbs)=4.2 carbs total
• 2 slices fresh tomato (2.1 g carbs), 3 slices cooked bacon (.4 g carbs), 1 T Kraft Mayo0 Light (1.3 g carbs), wrapped in a leaf of iceberg lettuce (.6 carbs)= 5.4 g carbs total
• 1 fillet baked salmon (0 g) with 1/4 c sunflower seeds (5 g)=5 g carbs total

Desserts:

• Low-carb Cheesecake, 2 g carbs/serving
• Chocolate Pecan Torte, 2 g carbs/serving
• Pumpkin Pie, 3.5 g carbs/serving
• Raspberry Fool, 5 g carbs/serving
• Atkins' Chocolate Chip Cookies, 3.2 g carbs/cookie

If anybody has any good low-carb or dieting recipes, be sure to let me know! :)

Back from Europe

I'm back!

Europe was absolutely beautiful, although it made making it to my mother's wedding a few days later very hectic---there was no rehearsal, no music practice, I had to learn two new songs in two days, and I was not prepared to make a toast! Also, there were a few wedding mishaps with when people were to go up and speak, how the flowers turned out, and we lost the straps to my bridesmaid's dress so I had to go strapless in a dress that was too loose!

Overall though, the wedding went well, I sang three songs, including an aria from Love Never Dies that I'd just seen in London, for the first dance between my mom and her new groom. I'm tired but glad it all went smoothly!

Now I'm putting off cleaning.... I need to unpack from both Europe and the wedding, but I simply don't feel up to it. So I'm blogging and drinking lots of water in the form of Crystal Light.

Above, you can see the pictures from the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland and the Eiffel Tower in France. Yay vacations! Now I just need to sleep off the jet lag...