My Turn at Playing Top!!!

Because my Dom agreed that everything he did to me, he would be open to receiving, this last week we've been doing a lot of "getting even"!!! *evil laugh*

I've had a blast! Although I could never be a Domme, I enjoy being the one with the whip in my hands for a change. While my Dom doesn't enjoy it quite so much (*giggle*), he puts up with it wonderfully!

We tried switching just for a little fun. You can learn more from switching than from reading countless articles on BDSM theory, so we tried it out. This gives my Dom a chance to see how it feels to be me, what works and what doesn't, which positions hurt a lot more than he expected, and how tough I really am! For me, it is a chance to be the teacher, showing him, "See how it hurts if you hit too high? But here, this spot feel really good!"

I had a lot of fun with this. I couldn't control my evil laughter the entire time, lol.

For your information, I differentiate between a Top and a Dom/Domme, and a Bottom and Sub. For me, being a top or bottom just means the physical role you play; the top wields the whip, while the bottom receives it. Both partners play as equals, and no power exchange is involved.

A Dom and sub, however, are what I call two people who are exchanging power within a scene. Rather than two equals who just like the sensations of whips and leather, these people add the heightened level of emotional and mental control. The sub relinquishes control and the Dom gains it. People who play as sub and Dom often go beyond the physical realm of BDSM into the wonderful, scary world of emotions, psychology, dependence, control, and power.

I am not a Domme when I switch. I hate being in control! In fact, I am in control enough in our everyday life, thank you very much. I enjoy subbing because it gives me a chance to lay back, give him the reins, and just be completely at his mercy. I don't have to plan, I don't have to think, I don't have to worry about if he is enjoying, no stress and no worries. I love it!

I enjoy switching, but I'd say in those rare moments when we switch, I am a Top. I wield the paddle and the whip, but I do not gain power and he does not relinquish it.

Topping my Dom is immense fun. We've agreed that it is only fair for him to be willing to take as much as he gives. It is also a great learning experience for us to "walk in the other's shoes," so to speak.

The first time I got to play at being a Top, I wanted to show him how much that tiny, innocuous wooden paddle he bought actually hurt! The first time he used it, I ended up screaming and writhing. He was convinced I was just being a wimp, but I knew better.

So we switched. I spanked him, giving him two rounds of Jacob's Ladder, just like he'd given me. To my immense satisfaction, his body went into convulsions, and then before the end he began arching his back and yelling out from the pain. I'd told him so! While the noise from the paddle may not be all that bad, the pain is quite terrible and delicious! And here he was, my fearless Dom, a leader, a military man, a vet of the Iraq war and tough Army guy. Aha! To my great satisfaction, after his 20 swats, he admitted it hurt far more than he'd expected and that I had endured my own 20 with much less noise and writhing than he had.

Score one for the sub being a "toughie"! *gives self a pat on the back*

I enjoyed this so much, I eventually convinced him to let me give him 50 swats. He agreed, and I am sad to say I started out too nicely. I wasn't sure how 50 swats would do, so I gave him the first 30 at a "medium" level. Well, by 50, I was swinging as hard as I could, and he was jerking and making noises of a man in pain, but there was no screaming, no begging, no pleading with me to stop, and no tears. Darn! And I'd really wanted the satisfaction!

Of course, his beautiful, tight bottom was 100% red, and the next day he had two great, blue bruises on his ass. He said it was hard to sit down in some positions, but otherwise he didn't notice the bruising at all, so that was good (I didn't want to hurt him permanently!). Now, several days later, he still has some adorable fading bruises that make me quite proud of myself, but nothing that causes him pain----at least, not as far as I've heard!

My Second Fisting Attempt

Well, my 2nd fisting attempt did not go so much better than the 1st. Sigh.

In case you're wondering, Part 1 of the fisting saga can be found here.

Despite some really good advice from a commentor here on this blog (thanks!) and the women in the Fetlife group Submissive Women, it just didn't work.

We relaxed. We used lube. We went slowly.

Once again, his knuckles, the widest part of his hand, got stuck on my pubic bones. I know, if a baby can fit through..... but it wouldn't! It makes me definitely, definitely fear for childbirth.

Anyway, we used lots and lots of lube, worked up to it from 1 finger to 2, then 3, and so forth.... and we got closer than last time. But when it came down to it, we couldn't do it. It hurt too much, and even when I worked through the pain for seconds at a time, we couldn't do it. Finally, after a good half hour of trying, we gave up.

Still, this failed fisting attempt was not without its merits! It is good couple bonding--quality time, if you will--to try new things together, sexually or otherwise. We had fun talking, working through it together, exploring, going forward, backing up, changing positions, trying again. So I consider it a partial success. Making love isn't about orgasms and hot movie-screen sex, although sometimes I'd like it to be. But in the end, it's about being together, trying new things, and being able to laugh when it doesn't work, roll over and try something else instead, and try again a new day.

Christians *against* BDSM

I've been doing more research online about BDSM, and it's discouraging to see many Christian websites about BDSM devoted to judging the lifestyle, or at least warning against it.

Of course, you can find sites by Christians (or "Christians", by which I mean people who call themselves Christians but aren't really... and you can never be sure of the difference!) that agree with BDSM, but most I've found are either incomplete or too liberal to be Biblically sound.

I know for a fact there are worshipping, God-fearing, Christ-following people who also practice BDSM. Are they sinless? No... but they are believers.

So it discourages me to see many outspoken Christian sites warning against kink and BDSM. But I still think it is worthwhile to note what these people have to say and why they believe it. I know they are not trying to judge kinksters, but warn their brothers and sisters from what they honestly believe could develop into an unhealthy lifestyle.

These points I've taken directly from the site Porn Free. Further commentary with Bible verses to back them up is available on the full-text site, and it's worth a read. I will say, at least these authors have done their homework and understand what BDSM, rather than some who go by a cursory idea of the subject and decry it as "misogynistic" and "abusive." Here are the site's main reasons BDSM is not okay for Christians:

• It hurts the body, which degrades the Temple of God.
• It perverts sexual pleasure by mixing it with pain (pain is the work of Satan).
• It stifles the Holy Spirit by allowing actions and emotions Biblically associated with sin and our earthly natures (anger, lust, pain, etc.)
• BDSM corrupts marriage, which should be a reflection of Christ's relationship with the Church (admittedly not based on dominance or pain).

There are more points, most tracing the behaviors and emotions behind BDSM to satanic influences on the earth such as pain, dominance, slavery, aggression, violence, and malice.

I believe it is important to evaluate a site's sources and religious beliefs, and Porn-Free was a bit difficult to trace. Finally, however, I tracked down the author's credentials--he is a member of a nondenominational, Bible-based, full-water immersion church that is part of the group Converge. He is also a prayer minister in a group called Christian Healing Ministries, begun by a Catholic priest (now married) and used by many Christian denominations, including Catholicism and Episcopalianism.

Christian Hugo Schwyzer keeps professional and fair in his article on followers of Christ indulging in D/s play, but his opinion is still the same: it troubles him. His problem with the lifestyle can be summed up in this sentence:

BDSM celebrates the erotics of asymmetrical power... If God intended spouses to practice "radical domestic democracy," shouldn't how we make love be congruent with every aspect of our lives? If we are committed to equality, our physical delight in each other be egalitarian rather than hierarchical? ...Even if a couple is practicing BDSM with great care, if they delight in radical inequality in their sexual life they may be bringing the brokeness of the outside world into their intimate private sphere. For married Christian egalitarians in particular, that's a troubling thought.

Schwyzer, while admitting he knows people who find pleasure, fun, and healing in BDSM, fears Christians who engage in this lifestyle are mirroring our fallen world of darkness and distance, not the values of our future heavenly home.

If you're wondering where he gets these views (never trust a website without looking into the credentials of the writer!!!), Schwyzer is an Episcopalian Christian with a doctorate in philosophy.

In the absence of any available information on known Christian leaders speaking about the subject, I turned to Jewish leaders, who at least base their opinions on the first half of our Bible. In the humorous article The Ties that Bind, Jewish writer Helen Roth Rosner found 3 rabbis that would not answer questions about BDSM, one who said it was okay as long as it was consensual, and one who warned against it. The rabbi who was against it said:

To humiliate another human being or degrade the the equality of marriage would be frowned upon by Jewish [Old Testament] law.

In the end, it seems the religious community is slow to talk about sex, and slower still to discuss BDSM. The lack of information about it, or even documented quotes from known and respected religious leaders, leaves some of us hanging in doubt.

This is ironic, of course, because Paul would never have been the type to shy away from a question because it was "too embarrassing" or "too awkward." Paul talked about sex openly, and this was 2,000 years ago when women were stoned for adultery! Other Biblical writers, too, were comfortable talking about "taboo" or uncomfortable subjects, because they knew these subjects might not be fun for us to discuss, but they were important for the state of our immortal souls. Most notably, Jesus Himself never had qualms discussing "tough" topics, nor was He known for labeling things as "wrong" because they were new or alternative. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying Jesus would be okay or not okay with BDSM, but I find the lack of discussion on this topic by our modern-day religious leaders to be both disappointing and disturbing. Where our the voices to lead us in this area--an area which, by all evidence, is a growing internet phenomenon?

If any of you readers feel comfortable asking your priest or pastor about this topic, please... I'd be interested to hear what they have to say!

Until then, check your sources, play safe, and praise always!

A Sex-Stopper: Yeast Infections

Want to know a real mood-killer?

Yeast Infections.

Yes, they mostly plague women, and they plague most women (75%). But they can also plague men, although this is much more rare.

This may not connect to BDSM, but it certainly connects to sex. And with our sex life at a grounding halt, our BDSM life followed suit.

First, there is a lot of much-known information on yeast infections in women. They can be caused by pregnancy, diabetes, HIV, taking antibiotics, and a host of other unknown causes. Most women (75% of them) will have a yeast infection in their lifetimes, and once you get it once, it's easier to get them again. Many women start experiencing the symptoms between 16 and 35, and many others during menopause, pregnancy, or some other hormonal fluctuation that affects healthy yeast cells in the vagina.

What is not so well-known about yeast infections is the following. First, men are at risk for it, too, so if your partner starts showing redness, itching, and swelling in the genital area, you might want to get him a good antifungal cream, too. Luckily for him, this is pretty rare. Also, yeast is not "bad" for the vagina. Healthy vaginas have yeast, but yeast infections occur when there is too much yeast. This can be caused by a decrease of other healthy yeast-inhibiting bacteria(caused by douching) or by an increase of yeast (caused by hormonal fluctuations or a chemical imbalance in the vagina.)

Here are some causes of too much yeast in the vagina:

• douching
• using scented soaps, pads, tampons, or bubble bath
• using menstrual products with deodorant on them
• fluctuations in blood sugar (diabetes, change in diet, etc.)
• fluctuations in immune system (antibiotics, HIV, AIDS, etc.)
• fluctuations in hormones (pregnancy, menopause, PMS, medications, etc.)
• using lubricants with glycerin or sugar
• wearing tight clothing that restricts air flow to the genitals
• remaining in a wet bathing suit too long
• not drying genitals properly after showering or bathing
• wiping from back to front (bringing anal yeast into the vulva)
• using feminine hygiene sprays, scented sprays or wipes, etc.
• playing with food in or near the vagina (upsets the chemical balance)

How can you tell if you have a yeast infection? Well, you will probably have itching and redness in the vulva, although this can be anywhere from mild to extreme. You will also have a dry, odorless, thick white discharge that some women say looks "cheesey" or like cottage cheese. If your discharge is foul-smelling or doesn't look at all like this description, you need to go to the doctor and get checked for a more serious problem.

Another clue it's a yeast infection and not something else? Other remedies won't work. At-home treatments for itchy, red vulvas like soaking in a warm bath with apple cider vinegar or salt will offer temporary relief, but no more. Over-the-counter meds like Vagisil won't do a bit of good. If you're like me, before you figure out what's wrong, you'll spend days lounging around the house wearing nothing but a t-shirt, legs spread open to keep the area dry and as itch-free as humanly possible. If you absolutely MUST go out, you'll settle for a long, flowing skirt with no underwear, because the idea of making that area hot, wet, and itchy is just too darn painful to consider.

Trust me, it's no fun.

You may want to consider staying away from sex, although you'll probably do that, anyway. Itchy, painful vulvas and vaginas don't generally make for sexually charged women.

It is my unprofessional opinion that BDSM activities put us women more at risk for yeast infections as well. Since 75% of us will get one, anyway, I'm not saying we wouldn't get them if we stayed vanilla, but it seems to me that the more you are experimenting with flavored lubes, fisting, food near the genitals, and toys, the more at risk you are for accidentally upsetting your body's natural balance. Just be careful to keep everything clean and you should be okay.

In the end, the best solution is a trip to your doctor. If you're like me, however, currently drifting amid the uninsured because I can't convince a health insurance company to take on a depressed person, that isn't an option. Thankfully, for the mere price of your dignity at your local grocery store, we can get over-the-counter meds that boast 1, 3, or 7 applications til a cure. And frankly, after having fists and dildos and vibes stuck up there, that tiny, thin little applicator is a joke. It's painless and cheap (under $20 for all brands at my store) once you've completed the Walk of Shame to the counter. And frankly, they're never going to see you again, so what do you care?

You don't. You are too darn eager to get home, use it, and feel the blessed relief. And then, finally, in a few days or so, you and your partner can be at it again, happily beating or torturing or humiliating or whatever it is that brings joy to your life. Amen.

For more information:

http://health.discovery.com/centers/womens/yeast/facts.html

http://www.yeastinfectiontreatment.com/What_Is_Yeast_Infection.html

http://women.webmd.com/tc/vaginal-yeast-infections-what-increases-your-risk

Review: Entice lubricant

Entice is my new favorite lubricant!

I've had a hard time finding a lube that both my Dom and I like. The biggest problem, of course, is how it feels inside.... and our current lube, when used on him anally, inflamed the sensitive anal tissues and actually stung. Needless to say, that stopped our anal exploration for a while!

Since a good lubricant is a must have for anal, and his reaction to our current lube was, "It stings!", I was looking for a new option. Also, the other lube was thick and creamy, disgustingly sticky, and burned me a bit, too (when used anally, although not vaginally---who knows why???).

So I was excited to try this out! I've loved Entice so far. It is water-based and perfect for people with sensitive skin, which both my Dom and I have. It comes out of the bottle cold, so warm it up on your hands before applying it to skin, but it is slick and wet. Although in the high-heat, high-friction situation of hand jobs, the lubricant dried out quickly and left a sticky residue, in all other situations (sex, anal + finger, anal +toy, vagina + toy), Entice has held up great! It is easy to apply, soft, and with no weird aftertaste and no bad smell. It is also slick rather than sticky, so I appreciate that, since I'm a girlie-girl at heart and hate to have sticky stuff all over my hands.

Another bonus? The glass bottle is easy to clean... since, of course, when you grab it with sticky, lubed-up hands mid-sex, it gets lube and body fluids all over it. Just a simple rinse takes care of it and the bottle is as good as new!

Entice comes in two sizes, 1 oz ($6) or 4 oz ($15). For those with sensitive skin or those who hate messes, this lubricant is a good investment!

To view this product, click on the banner below or find the link to Entice lube here. And as an added bonus, Babeland is selling all products without sales tax on April 15, 2009!

Top Spanking Implements and How They Compare

I've been thinking a lot about the different ways to spank, how different spanking instruments feel, and the difference in the instruments according to the situation called for. Here is my comparison of my Dom's and my main four spanking implements: paddle, his hand, slapper, and belt.

First, so you get a good idea of the toys we are using. His hand really requires no other explanation. Our paddle is wooden with holes for ease and speed of swinging, and medium sized, about 10 by 3 inches is my guess. The slapper is a small black two-sided leather slapper, 7x2 inches. The belt is just any of his basic leather belts hanging around the house.

Here is my personal breakdown of the items!

In order of the easiest to use:

1. Hand
2. Paddle
3. Slapper
4. Belt

In order of the easiest to clean:

1. Hand
2. Paddle
3. Belt and Slapper (tied; both are leather and hard to clean)

In order of the most painful:

1. Paddle
2. Slapper
3. Hand
4. Belt

In order of the cheapest:

1. Hand (duh!)
2. Belt
3. Paddle (cheap on Ebay)
4. Slapper

Best for causing erotic stimulation/erotic pain:

1. Belt
2. Slapper
3. Hand
4. Paddle

Best for punishment (just pain, nothing fun or sexy)

1. Paddle
2. Hand
3. Slapper
4. Belt

Easiest to hold me down while using:

1. Hand
2. Slapper
3. Belt
4. Paddle

Loudest:

1. Slapper
2. Belt
3. Hand
4. Paddle

In order of the biggest sting:

1. Slapper
2. Hand
3. Paddle
4. Belt

In order of the biggesst thud:

1. Hand
2. Paddle
3. Belt
4. Slapper

Receives the most screams:

1. Paddle
2. Slapper
3. Hand
4. Belt

Invest in several different toys of your own. You'll find there are some you want to bring out for light, playful spanking sessions, and others that are great for intense or punishment scenes. I know for me, the paddle takes about 4 good hits before I'm screaming and squirming away. The belt, on the other hand, I can relax and know I'll be getting a light, sexy sting and nothing too terrible!

And never underestimate the importance of a hand-- it can hurt like a mother and sting like hell! :)

My First Fisting Attempt

I'd been reading up on fisting and revving myself up for a try. The web has lots of good resources for this: About.com has instructios for fisting; Babeland has a great how-to article on fisting as well.

Fisting is often seen as a gay (anal) or lesbian (vaginal) activity. I'm not sure why, since if lesbian women enjoy having a fist inside them, why wouldn't straight women? To my knowledge, all humans have similar sexual makeup and therefore, similar sexual responses.

Fisting sounds totally sexy, but it can be scary. I like to be filled up as much as the next gal, but it can take a lot of work and stretching and being turned on to get me there! So I was understandably nervous about this.

My Dom mentioned several months ago that he was intrigued by fisting. As the unofficial researcher of the couple, I did my research. Everything I read said it was difficult but worth it. Some of the purported benefits include a heightened sense of vulnerability during sex, more intense stimulation, a guaranteed orgasm, and closer emotional connection. Sounds good, no?

We talked about it and I shared my resources. Once we had both read up on the subject, we decided--three or four months after it was first brought up!--to go for it.

We decided not to make the fisting part of scene, since it was so new to both of us. We had lube and towels ready, and got ourselves comfortable on our big bed. My Dom spent as much time as I needed getting me to relax and get used to one finger, then two, then three (this started to hurt and get sore) and eventually four.

So, my first experience with fisting? Not as easy as it sounds!

First, even lubricant can't alter the harsh reality: I am small-boned. While my Dom is a fairly small man as well, his hands are about a normal size. Stretching my vagina was difficult, but still possible--it seemed sore and uncomfortable at some points, but muscle and skin can be stretched nonethless.

Bone, however, cannot. We managed to get in most of his fist, at great discomfort to me, because my pelvic bone hindered his knuckles from going completely in. No matter how much I spread my legs, relaxed, and took deep breaths, his knuckles still pressed painfully against my tender pelvic bones, making them feel bruised.

The experience was worth it to try, and we will be trying again (I hate to fail at anything!). Rest assured, I'll keep you updated when I figure out how to do it correctly, even with a small-boned woman. When we do, I'll upload the tips here!

Til then, be safe, enjoy the Easter season, and if any of you have tips to help us on our next fisting attempt, please let me know! :)

What Your Mother Never Told You About Nipple Clamps

"Recently, I had my first experience with nipple clamps.

I was super nervous.

First, I was so sure it would hurt. I’d looked at the things online, and OUCH. They looked evil. Satanic even. Not being a fan of pain, especially on the nipples, I was pretty much dreading the experience.

So you can imagine my surprise when my Dom clipped them on, and my back arched–in pain, yes, but then immediately in something else.

Not pleasure, exactly. But some strange mixture of pain and pleasure and hotness and pain that ran straight from my nipples and lit up my… well, you know.

Suddenly, those girls in the pictures don’t look so crazy.

Who knew?!"

Warning: Spanking Hurts!

My Dom and I got this neat little slapper the other day. It is real leather, two pieces, and very small (probably only about 2 inches wide and 6-8 inches long).

Of course, he got his normal wicked grin. Next thing I know, he's going at it--- and I am in so much pain I can barely stand it! Literally, it brought tears to my eyes.

Turns out, spanking hurts! (duh.)

It especially hurt when he walloped me on the sides near my breasts, on my outer thighs, and on the sides of my butt. Basically, anything to the sides. The closer he was to center, the more my body could work with the pain and use the intensity. The farther he got from center, the more it just stung.

So.

Being a big believer in inequality within as well as without the bedroom, I waited for him to be in a good mood and playfully bent him over the bed. Whack! I told him I was going to show him what it felt like. Whack! He calmly admitted it hurt, and I responded that we were going to play Jacob's Ladder (that terrible game he'd played on me several weeks ago in this blog!).

Several whacks later, I still hadn't gotten him to make a noise (too bad!), but his ass was bright red, I could see his cheeks tensing up with the pain, and when I let him up, his face was red from the effort of holding his breath to avoid yelling out. ah-HA!

So nicely, I showed him with a few slaps how much more it hurts on the sides and outsides of the thighs and buttocks, than a nice firm smack on the center.

Suddenly, the light went on and he understood. I trust I won't be getting any more (or many more!) side smacks, but nice, bearable, good-kind-of-pain centered ones.

Just something for you tops to keep in mind. :)

A Nice Break from BDSM

This week, I got a nice little break from BDSM.

I had a lot to deal with this week. I left my job in France and moved back home to the U.S. and my Dom. While this is good, I left my friends and home and the life I had built there. I came home to a new fiance, no job, no car, lack of mobility, lack of things to do, and being financially dependent on someone for the first time. I felt claustrophobic, panicked, and sad. I felt anxious and angry and resentful. I thought my Dom was using BDSM to control me. Feeling like this made me angry and withdrawn. Since I was feeling this way, we decided to not begin a full-time D/s or CDD relationship. We agreed to back off and give me time to adjust.

Slowly, I've been adjusting to jet lag and being back here with him. I'm so happy to see him now; finally the joy is appearing that was so elusive the first two days back. I'm relaxing and learning again to be used to him, to live with him, to trust him and let him take care of me and make me happy. He's being patient and loving and I'm slowly easing in to this new life here.

We cuddle all the time, and we kiss and are trying sex again for the first time with no hint of BDSM. I was afraid I wouldn't like it, but it's been a nice little break. BDSM gives sex an amazing spice and sparkle, but it is nice to just relax and be loved and be made love to.

In the meantime, head over to KinkySexLink.com and you can find some of the best bloggers on the internet, all discussing BDSM and kinky sex. Enjoy!