He says he knows me too well.
When I threaten to leave, he just waits.
I storm off. But he doesn't follow me. He doesn't seem upset that I'm leaving.
Hmm. This is not going the way that I planned.
I stall. Play with the cat. Go back inside under the pretense of getting my coat.
We fight some more. I threaten to leave again.
This time, I only make it as far as the coat closet. I linger there, waiting. He doesn't come out.
Obviously he doesn't love me at all. He doesn't even care if I leave.
And if I leave, I am not taking my phone. So take that. I will make sure he does not have a way to get hold of me.
He comes out. We fight more. I'm even more upset because it appears he does not care about if I leave or not. Does he want our day to be ruined?
(I know, it sounds so silly now.)
Finally, he tells me he knows me too well. He knew I wasn't going to leave. He knew I was bluffing. Apparently, I always threaten to leave once or twice before I get up the guts to storm out.
Hmph. He seems to have my number. Am I really that obvious? I don't care. I'm going to remain expressionless and not admit guilt.
This makes me even madder. Now I really have to leave! He's called my bluff, upped the ante. (Maybe I should play poker more often.)
I start to storm out. This time, I'm going.
Somehow, he knows it.
His hand shoots out. Grips me around the neck. Slams me back into the wall.
Tears run down my face. But I will not give in. I will not cry aloud.
"Do you like this?" he asks, not angrily. "Is this what you wanted? This is D/s. This is me telling you that you cannot go."
I do not answer. I am too stubborn. I shut my eyes, blocking him out. Tears run down my face. I think I might hate him. He has to let go of me eventually. I will leave then.
He takes my keys.
I do not utter a word of protest, but I am livid. I think quickly of a way to get around this.
He waits by the doorway for a long, long time, guarding it. I stand against the wall, eyeing him. He waits to see if I will make a break for it. I know there is no chance for me to make it with him right there, so I wait to see when he will move away.
He moves warily to the kitchen. I march to the back bedroom. Lock the door. Take that.
I remove his keys. Where do I put them? Obviously not in my pocket. Not in my coat pocket, either. Yet stuffing them in my bra or pants seems so juvenile. Even for me.
I settle on my back pocket.
I open the door. He is still in the kitchen. I walk, quickly but not running, down the hall. Make a beeline down the stairs and toward the door.
I am only halfway there when I hear him tearing behind me. Strong arms grab me. He obviously expects a fight, but I'm no fool---I can't overpower him. I do not resist as he jerks me roughly back toward the hallway.
"I knew you'd try to run," he says angrily. Hands pat my pockets. No keys.
He wraps his arms around me, half embrace and half hold. He puts his hands in my coat pockets (no keys there, either) and kisses my neck. "Why are you so angry?" he says.
Wordless, I start to walk toward the hallway, hoping he'll think I've given up.
Hands pat my back pockets.
$*#&*!
He removes the keys. Puts them into his pocket. Starts to push me up the stairs.
"I'm going, I'm going!" I grumble.
***************************************
In the end, he doesn't let me leave. He persistently asks me what's wrong. Finally, I tell him. I tell him why I am so hurt and angry. And how I am so tired that it's hard to think straight. He nods and listens. We talk it out.
Later, he says, "I'm sorry if I was too rough with you. But I couldn't let you leave."
I am a little surprised. Too rough with me? If anything, I was the one who lost my temper. He stayed fairly calm throughout.
I shake my head. "You were fine." He did the right thing. He kept me here to talk it out instead of leaving and spending pointless hours alone, in silence. He saved the weekend so we could spend the rest of it as a family.
He was a leader.
11/17/2011
11/10/2011
Last Night's Sex and Domination
Warning: This post is sexually explicit. If you're offended by sexual details, hit your back button. If you're under 18, go watch this video of kittens frolicking instead.
Last night I got dominated for the first time in a while. It was oh so nice. It wasn't that we hadn't wanted to do D/s (or at least on my part!). We'd been busy with a newborn, what can I say?
After giving birth, you're supposed to wait 6 weeks to have sex. Even now though, I'm still too sore down there to consider having actual sex. My Dom has been very patient and understanding, but I know it's been a while and it's hard on him.
Last night around 4 am we were up feeding the baby. Well, I was feeding the baby and he was sitting with me. We were watching more Scrubs to keep ourselves awake. I was feeling oddly cuddly and needy, which is rare for me and he loves when it happens. I kept wanting to hold his hand and tell him I'd missed him lately. We'd barely gotten to see each other the night before; he got home from work at 5:30 and my parents came over for dinner and then I went to bed, a tired mommy.
When we got into bed, we cuddled and I could tell he was hard. But this has been a more common occurence lately ;) so I just ignored it and assumed we were going to fall asleep. In fact, I was burrowing happily into my warm pillow with just that goal in mind when he leaned forward and whispered throatily in my ear, "I want you to suck my cock."
It made me shiver. It had been so long since he'd dominated me...
But I wasn't sure if this was a "Do this now" command or just a "I want this but we're going to bed so I just thought I'd let you know so you feel wanted." So I waited.
He whispered, "Do you understand?"
I'm trying to work on being more submissive, you know. Not needing to fight him every step of the way. So I chose not to fight and I just nodded. Shivered and nodded. And waited. What was he going to do?
"I want you to suck my cock," he repeated in a low voice. "You're going to come over here, and suck my cock, and act like you like it." Another pause. "Do you understand?"
I swallowed hard. Nodded again.
He whispered in my ear, "I'm going to get ready. You take off your shirt and then come over here."
A whimper of protest from me. Okay, so this was a tiny bit of a test. I didn't want to give in too easily. He likes me when I'm fiesty. *wink*
His voice was low and rough in my ear. "Do you understand?"
I nodded. Swallowed. Whispered, "Yes."
It was so nice to have this happening again. To be told what to do. To give in to the submissive feeling. To do it.
I obeyed him. I rolled over, took my shirt off, and placed it by my pillow because I knew I'd be cold later. He pulled off his pants. I lowered my head, kissed his thigh, kissed his stomach. I took him in my mouth. I was gratified to hear him moan and enjoy it more than he normally does, no doubt because it has been so long for us. I tried to remember to run my hands up and down his thighs, stoke him, and squeeze his butt, to provide extra stimulation, because I enjoy the touching aspect of sex and so I hoped he would, too.
Eventually, I stopped. "My mouth hurts," I explained. Sometimes my jaw gets sore and starts to pop at night, and that seemed to be happening now.
He could have forced me to go on, but he didn't. But he did roll me over on my back and squeeze my breasts and kiss and lick them.
My whole body tensed up.
"What's wrong?" he whispered.
I didn't answer.
"Does it hurt?"
I shuddered. "No," I explained with my eyes shut tight. "It just feels weird... because of the baby." I hadn't been touched sexually in so long. It felt strange to have my nipples sucked by someone other than our infant. For the last several weeks, she's been the only one whose mouth has been there. My breasts didn't feel sexual anymore. I was having a hard time transitioning back to "sexual touch" from "nursing, mothering" touch in my brain.
He grabbed me. Slapped me a little. It hurt. I gasped.
"I'm taking them back now," he said. "For now. Do you understand?"
It was so sexy. I could only nod. He touched me with his hands, his face, his tongue, his mouth. He roughly pushed me down onto the bed, he grabbed my hands and pinned them above my head, he was rough with me. I liked it. Even when I didn't.
And it was oh, so relaxing. I felt calm and at peace. I felt great anticipation, as I waited to see what he would do.
He commanded me forcefully to put my hands above my head. "Above your head!" he commanded again. I hastened to obey. My breath came in short gasps. I felt turned on for the first time in a long time. He used my breasts until he came.
I reached up to grab his head and hold him. He normally likes that.
"Above your head!" he repeated. I quickly obeyed. I hadn't meant to disobey him; I'd thought he was finished.
He waited to see if I'd done as he commanded. Then he relented, saying, "Now you can hug me." Being forced to wait made it seem even more special, like hugging him was a privelege I'd earned.
We held each other. We laughed and discussed how great it had been. I felt happy to have made him so happy, and relaxed because I'd been dominated.
We cleaned up and climbed back into bed. I snuggled into him as tight as I could, feeling closer to him than I had in a long time. "I just want to burrow into you!" I said. He laughed and burrowed his head into my neck. He kissed the back of my neck and briefly rubbed my back.
"I feel nice," I murmured.
"You do feel nice."
"No," I laughed, "I mean... I feel good."
He laughed and nuzzled me. "Good."
As we drifted to sleep, I murmured, "Thank you."
I thought he might already be asleep, but he answered against the back of my neck. "For what?"
"For dominating me," I whispered sleepily.
He chuckled and hugged me tighter.
"You're welcome."
Last night I got dominated for the first time in a while. It was oh so nice. It wasn't that we hadn't wanted to do D/s (or at least on my part!). We'd been busy with a newborn, what can I say?
After giving birth, you're supposed to wait 6 weeks to have sex. Even now though, I'm still too sore down there to consider having actual sex. My Dom has been very patient and understanding, but I know it's been a while and it's hard on him.
Last night around 4 am we were up feeding the baby. Well, I was feeding the baby and he was sitting with me. We were watching more Scrubs to keep ourselves awake. I was feeling oddly cuddly and needy, which is rare for me and he loves when it happens. I kept wanting to hold his hand and tell him I'd missed him lately. We'd barely gotten to see each other the night before; he got home from work at 5:30 and my parents came over for dinner and then I went to bed, a tired mommy.
When we got into bed, we cuddled and I could tell he was hard. But this has been a more common occurence lately ;) so I just ignored it and assumed we were going to fall asleep. In fact, I was burrowing happily into my warm pillow with just that goal in mind when he leaned forward and whispered throatily in my ear, "I want you to suck my cock."
It made me shiver. It had been so long since he'd dominated me...
But I wasn't sure if this was a "Do this now" command or just a "I want this but we're going to bed so I just thought I'd let you know so you feel wanted." So I waited.
He whispered, "Do you understand?"
I'm trying to work on being more submissive, you know. Not needing to fight him every step of the way. So I chose not to fight and I just nodded. Shivered and nodded. And waited. What was he going to do?
"I want you to suck my cock," he repeated in a low voice. "You're going to come over here, and suck my cock, and act like you like it." Another pause. "Do you understand?"
I swallowed hard. Nodded again.
He whispered in my ear, "I'm going to get ready. You take off your shirt and then come over here."
A whimper of protest from me. Okay, so this was a tiny bit of a test. I didn't want to give in too easily. He likes me when I'm fiesty. *wink*
His voice was low and rough in my ear. "Do you understand?"
I nodded. Swallowed. Whispered, "Yes."
It was so nice to have this happening again. To be told what to do. To give in to the submissive feeling. To do it.
I obeyed him. I rolled over, took my shirt off, and placed it by my pillow because I knew I'd be cold later. He pulled off his pants. I lowered my head, kissed his thigh, kissed his stomach. I took him in my mouth. I was gratified to hear him moan and enjoy it more than he normally does, no doubt because it has been so long for us. I tried to remember to run my hands up and down his thighs, stoke him, and squeeze his butt, to provide extra stimulation, because I enjoy the touching aspect of sex and so I hoped he would, too.
Eventually, I stopped. "My mouth hurts," I explained. Sometimes my jaw gets sore and starts to pop at night, and that seemed to be happening now.
He could have forced me to go on, but he didn't. But he did roll me over on my back and squeeze my breasts and kiss and lick them.
My whole body tensed up.
"What's wrong?" he whispered.
I didn't answer.
"Does it hurt?"
I shuddered. "No," I explained with my eyes shut tight. "It just feels weird... because of the baby." I hadn't been touched sexually in so long. It felt strange to have my nipples sucked by someone other than our infant. For the last several weeks, she's been the only one whose mouth has been there. My breasts didn't feel sexual anymore. I was having a hard time transitioning back to "sexual touch" from "nursing, mothering" touch in my brain.
He grabbed me. Slapped me a little. It hurt. I gasped.
"I'm taking them back now," he said. "For now. Do you understand?"
It was so sexy. I could only nod. He touched me with his hands, his face, his tongue, his mouth. He roughly pushed me down onto the bed, he grabbed my hands and pinned them above my head, he was rough with me. I liked it. Even when I didn't.
And it was oh, so relaxing. I felt calm and at peace. I felt great anticipation, as I waited to see what he would do.
He commanded me forcefully to put my hands above my head. "Above your head!" he commanded again. I hastened to obey. My breath came in short gasps. I felt turned on for the first time in a long time. He used my breasts until he came.
I reached up to grab his head and hold him. He normally likes that.
"Above your head!" he repeated. I quickly obeyed. I hadn't meant to disobey him; I'd thought he was finished.
He waited to see if I'd done as he commanded. Then he relented, saying, "Now you can hug me." Being forced to wait made it seem even more special, like hugging him was a privelege I'd earned.
We held each other. We laughed and discussed how great it had been. I felt happy to have made him so happy, and relaxed because I'd been dominated.
We cleaned up and climbed back into bed. I snuggled into him as tight as I could, feeling closer to him than I had in a long time. "I just want to burrow into you!" I said. He laughed and burrowed his head into my neck. He kissed the back of my neck and briefly rubbed my back.
"I feel nice," I murmured.
"You do feel nice."
"No," I laughed, "I mean... I feel good."
He laughed and nuzzled me. "Good."
As we drifted to sleep, I murmured, "Thank you."
I thought he might already be asleep, but he answered against the back of my neck. "For what?"
"For dominating me," I whispered sleepily.
He chuckled and hugged me tighter.
"You're welcome."
11/08/2011
Qualities of My Dom
What things does my Dom do that make him seem manly, dominating, self-assured, confident, and awe-inspiring to me?
He enjoys my pain.
He bites me in the shower, then laughs and shampoos my hair for me.
He gives me a back massage and then pulls my hair a little.
He holds me when I wake up in the middle of the night feeling anxious.
He holds me down and wrestles me, then laughs and lets me up.
He threatens to cause a scene at church if I don't straighten up and put my head covering on.
He stands up to my mother.
He loves my mother and jokes with her and gives her hugs.
He feels defensive of me when his mother upsets me.
He reminds me to be more forgiving.
He works hard so he can provide for us and do well at his job.
He opens my car doors for me, even before he puts the baby in her seat.
He texts me to check up on me.
He punishes me when I've misbehaved.
He tells me what to do, calmly and simply.
He enjoys my pain.
He bites me in the shower, then laughs and shampoos my hair for me.
He gives me a back massage and then pulls my hair a little.
He holds me when I wake up in the middle of the night feeling anxious.
He holds me down and wrestles me, then laughs and lets me up.
He threatens to cause a scene at church if I don't straighten up and put my head covering on.
He stands up to my mother.
He loves my mother and jokes with her and gives her hugs.
He feels defensive of me when his mother upsets me.
He reminds me to be more forgiving.
He works hard so he can provide for us and do well at his job.
He opens my car doors for me, even before he puts the baby in her seat.
He texts me to check up on me.
He punishes me when I've misbehaved.
He tells me what to do, calmly and simply.
LOL: Love Our Lurkers Day!
LOL stands for Love Our Lurkers.
This is a tradition started by Bonnie at My Bottom Smarts. I got the idea from Mick at Husbandly Touch. It’s the bloggers' day to especially invite those of you who have been reading my blog but have not commented before.
Sometimes I read people's blogs and don't comment on every post, but I do always comment on one of their posts at some point. That's because as a writer, I understand how discouraging it can get to have two or three comments on a post. Maybe hundreds of people have read it, but maybe only those two or three people. It's a bit depressing.
Even if I don't have much to say to a fellow blogger, I just try to say hello and that I liked the post, or lol, or "Yes, I identify with that!", or something. Something so the people know I'm reading and participating. Something to encourage them to keep reading.
If you’ve been lurking, would you consider leaving a comment to let me know you’re there? You don’t have to say much or anything clever. Just a "hi, I do read your blog" would be nice! If you want to remain anonymous, that is totally fine.
Hope to hear from you!
This is a tradition started by Bonnie at My Bottom Smarts. I got the idea from Mick at Husbandly Touch. It’s the bloggers' day to especially invite those of you who have been reading my blog but have not commented before.
Sometimes I read people's blogs and don't comment on every post, but I do always comment on one of their posts at some point. That's because as a writer, I understand how discouraging it can get to have two or three comments on a post. Maybe hundreds of people have read it, but maybe only those two or three people. It's a bit depressing.
Even if I don't have much to say to a fellow blogger, I just try to say hello and that I liked the post, or lol, or "Yes, I identify with that!", or something. Something so the people know I'm reading and participating. Something to encourage them to keep reading.
If you’ve been lurking, would you consider leaving a comment to let me know you’re there? You don’t have to say much or anything clever. Just a "hi, I do read your blog" would be nice! If you want to remain anonymous, that is totally fine.
Hope to hear from you!
11/07/2011
When I First Knew He Might Be Dominate
When did I first realize that my Dom might be a dominant man?
Actually, I didn't realize it consciously at first. I had never heard of BDSM or D/s or spanking relationships. But I think, now that I know those lifestyles and have had years to explore this side of myself, that I can look back at past boyfriends and see who had those qualities and who did not. Even before I understood what I wanted or even realized I wanted it, I was either drawn or repelled by some men's qualities.
At first, I was drawn to passive men because I was afraid too much conflict would make me end up divorced and unhappy like my parents. Looking back, the boys I dated were passive-aggressive and manipulative.
After a few years of that, I started avoiding the passive aggressive men and went for the "safe" passive guys. You know the type: the "nice guys." They were nice to me and good friends, but my relationships never had much spark. We spent a lot of time fighting because I couldn't respect them, and that in turn made me turn to disrespect and nagging.
Eventually, I dated a man who was the opposite of all that. He wasn't passive or passive-aggressive; he welcomed conflict and rushed right into it. I fell in love with his strength, his power, and his masculinity. Even though he was jealous and possessive, I was tired of being with men who weren't really men, and I looked at his possessiveness as proof that he loved me. Even when he was controlling, I saw it as strength. It was a welcome change from the wusses I'd experienced. However, this man had strength without controlling it. Eventually, his temper and need for control became clear for what they were. Yes, I was allowed to be the woman, I was protected and provided for and fiercely defended, but I was also treated as an inferior, yelled at, and controlled. Thankfully, I left.
Luckily, soon after that I met my future Dom and husband. I still wanted a man who was strong and masculine, but now I was wiser and knew to look for other things, like a man who could control his temper, who would protect me but not control me, or who would control me when it was for my good but not because he was insecure or unstable. I also wanted someone who could fight for me when needed, but could control his temper and not let constant fighting destroy our relationship. I wanted someone who would protect me, but also treat me with respect and value my thoughts and opinions.
Looking back, there were clues my Dom might be leaning toward D/s even before either of us knew what that term meant. He'd just gotten out of a bad relationship where there was no communication and the woman didn't respect him or share her thoughts and feelings. He decided he wanted someone more emotional and creative than she had been, but he also wanted someone who would let him lead and ultimately wanted a male-led relationship.
When did I realize he might be dominate?
When we were first dating, we had only kissed once or twice when I went to his house to visit him. When I left, he pushed me up against the door and kissed me goodbye. I liked it. :)
A few days later, I was kissing him goodbye at my car when he asked me to stay longer. I hesitated, but then said sure. Without a word, he swooped me up in his arms and ran with me to his backyard, where he pushed me down on the table and we had some more nice kissing before I went home.
When we finally started dating seriously and the kissing went from pecks to more intense, he liked to tug on my hair. It never really hurt, but to my surprise I liked it. Once, he stopped kissing me, grabbed me by the roots of my hair, held me inches from his face, and challenged me, "Why aren't you kissing me?!" I strained to reach his lips, but he held me firm by my hair and I couldn't reach him until he allowed me to. For some reason, I thought that was surprising but really sexy.
He took risks with me, too. Little things, like asking me on dates instead of expecting me to initiate things. On our second date, he filled an ice chest with my favorite ice cream toppings and surprised me with an ice-cream-sundae picnic at the park. He held my hand first and he kissed me first. He also initiated the talks about our relationship, like telling me when he wanted us to date exclusively or bringing along a book of conversation starters to one of our dates. I appreciated that he was confident enough to put himself out there and take risks in our relationship; it allowed me to be the woman and feel pursued, and showed that he was willing to initiate and lead the relationship.
Eventually, I realized that I had a guy who, although he was very nice and normal in most circumstances, would surprise me with something kind of kinky, like pulling my hair or talking dirty to me, every once in a while. When we made out, he tended to be aggressive and I tended to lie back and enjoy it. He told me later that when he pushed me up against the door, he could tell I responded to it, and felt encouraged to continue with his natural desires. He had never explored them before or really been interested in dominating a woman, but just little things like he tried with me seemed to please both of us, so he kept doing them.
Unlike me, he'd never been interested in being kinky or D/s before he met me. I'd had those desires, but without realizing what they were, since I was a teenager, but for him they were new. He was 27 and when he decided to try tiny things like pulling my hair or pushing me against a door to kiss me, he realized that he liked them and I responded to them. So he kept doing them.
Eventually, I started doing research on the internet to find out if we were some sort of freaks, and I discovered that there was an entire community who did what we did, but WAY more! I was so happy and relieved that we were normal, and that now I had more things to explore and learn, and deeper to go than I'd even realized. So I started this blog to share my journey and knowlege, and here I am today, 3 years later.
Those are the tiny clues that made me realize my then-boyfriend might be a tiny bit dominate. :)
Actually, I didn't realize it consciously at first. I had never heard of BDSM or D/s or spanking relationships. But I think, now that I know those lifestyles and have had years to explore this side of myself, that I can look back at past boyfriends and see who had those qualities and who did not. Even before I understood what I wanted or even realized I wanted it, I was either drawn or repelled by some men's qualities.
At first, I was drawn to passive men because I was afraid too much conflict would make me end up divorced and unhappy like my parents. Looking back, the boys I dated were passive-aggressive and manipulative.
After a few years of that, I started avoiding the passive aggressive men and went for the "safe" passive guys. You know the type: the "nice guys." They were nice to me and good friends, but my relationships never had much spark. We spent a lot of time fighting because I couldn't respect them, and that in turn made me turn to disrespect and nagging.
Eventually, I dated a man who was the opposite of all that. He wasn't passive or passive-aggressive; he welcomed conflict and rushed right into it. I fell in love with his strength, his power, and his masculinity. Even though he was jealous and possessive, I was tired of being with men who weren't really men, and I looked at his possessiveness as proof that he loved me. Even when he was controlling, I saw it as strength. It was a welcome change from the wusses I'd experienced. However, this man had strength without controlling it. Eventually, his temper and need for control became clear for what they were. Yes, I was allowed to be the woman, I was protected and provided for and fiercely defended, but I was also treated as an inferior, yelled at, and controlled. Thankfully, I left.
Luckily, soon after that I met my future Dom and husband. I still wanted a man who was strong and masculine, but now I was wiser and knew to look for other things, like a man who could control his temper, who would protect me but not control me, or who would control me when it was for my good but not because he was insecure or unstable. I also wanted someone who could fight for me when needed, but could control his temper and not let constant fighting destroy our relationship. I wanted someone who would protect me, but also treat me with respect and value my thoughts and opinions.
Looking back, there were clues my Dom might be leaning toward D/s even before either of us knew what that term meant. He'd just gotten out of a bad relationship where there was no communication and the woman didn't respect him or share her thoughts and feelings. He decided he wanted someone more emotional and creative than she had been, but he also wanted someone who would let him lead and ultimately wanted a male-led relationship.
When did I realize he might be dominate?
When we were first dating, we had only kissed once or twice when I went to his house to visit him. When I left, he pushed me up against the door and kissed me goodbye. I liked it. :)
A few days later, I was kissing him goodbye at my car when he asked me to stay longer. I hesitated, but then said sure. Without a word, he swooped me up in his arms and ran with me to his backyard, where he pushed me down on the table and we had some more nice kissing before I went home.
When we finally started dating seriously and the kissing went from pecks to more intense, he liked to tug on my hair. It never really hurt, but to my surprise I liked it. Once, he stopped kissing me, grabbed me by the roots of my hair, held me inches from his face, and challenged me, "Why aren't you kissing me?!" I strained to reach his lips, but he held me firm by my hair and I couldn't reach him until he allowed me to. For some reason, I thought that was surprising but really sexy.
He took risks with me, too. Little things, like asking me on dates instead of expecting me to initiate things. On our second date, he filled an ice chest with my favorite ice cream toppings and surprised me with an ice-cream-sundae picnic at the park. He held my hand first and he kissed me first. He also initiated the talks about our relationship, like telling me when he wanted us to date exclusively or bringing along a book of conversation starters to one of our dates. I appreciated that he was confident enough to put himself out there and take risks in our relationship; it allowed me to be the woman and feel pursued, and showed that he was willing to initiate and lead the relationship.
Eventually, I realized that I had a guy who, although he was very nice and normal in most circumstances, would surprise me with something kind of kinky, like pulling my hair or talking dirty to me, every once in a while. When we made out, he tended to be aggressive and I tended to lie back and enjoy it. He told me later that when he pushed me up against the door, he could tell I responded to it, and felt encouraged to continue with his natural desires. He had never explored them before or really been interested in dominating a woman, but just little things like he tried with me seemed to please both of us, so he kept doing them.
Unlike me, he'd never been interested in being kinky or D/s before he met me. I'd had those desires, but without realizing what they were, since I was a teenager, but for him they were new. He was 27 and when he decided to try tiny things like pulling my hair or pushing me against a door to kiss me, he realized that he liked them and I responded to them. So he kept doing them.
Eventually, I started doing research on the internet to find out if we were some sort of freaks, and I discovered that there was an entire community who did what we did, but WAY more! I was so happy and relieved that we were normal, and that now I had more things to explore and learn, and deeper to go than I'd even realized. So I started this blog to share my journey and knowlege, and here I am today, 3 years later.
Those are the tiny clues that made me realize my then-boyfriend might be a tiny bit dominate. :)
11/06/2011
My Submission Flows from His Dominance
Lil over at Submissive Sanctuary wrote a post on how D/s connects with love. While I like that topic, the part of her post that resonated with me was actually about how her style of submission often follows a display of dominance by her Alpha, rather than the reverse.
Here's what Lil wrote:
My Dom has sometimes complained that I treat TTWD as a fix. I've admitted before that subspace feels a lot like being high. It's a great feeling! Who wouldn't want to re-create it? In subspace, I feel more submissive, I feel more loving toward my Dom, he looks manlier and hotter to me, I respect him more, and we have great, mind-blowing sex. And I mean actually mentally mind-blowing, the kind that is not just physically feels good but deeply mental and therefore much, much more meaningful and sexual to me. So yes, of course I am like an addict chasing that high. And when I don't get it, I can get grumpy. I complain and nag. I blame him for "not dominating me enough."
At least, I used to do those things. I flatter myself that over the last couple of months I've realized this bad behavior of mine and come a long way toward fixing it. I've started submitting to him not just when I feel like it, but because it's the biblical thing to do or because he wants it. I've stopped nagging and complaining and try to verbalize my complaints in a more positive, less derogatory way. All those blogs I read on submission are not completely lost on me; I've learned from them. :)
Am I completely cured of my nagginess? No. But I have improved a lot.
Like Lil, my Dom has commented before that sometimes I want D/s the way I picture it, when I want it, and how I want it.
This is true on some level and not on another. Let me explain.
Yes, I want D/s the way I want it. Like an addict chasing her next high, I adore that feeling of subbiness that he can make me feel when he gives me rules and structure, when he is stern with me, or when he makes me follow a rule even when I complain and protest. I think it's unbearably sexy when he overpowers me, not necessarily physically but mentally and emotionally. I'm very stubborn, and when he can prove that he's more stubborn than me and his word is law, I respond by becoming more maleable and submissive. The problem is that this is my idea of submission and Dominance. His idea is a lot less based on rules and coercion and displays of strength. His style of leadership is, in his words, to "empower" others. (I'm not always sure what he means.) I think he would prefer to point me in the direction I should go, and just have me go there. To me, that is not really D/s, but I understand it's a valid but just different idea of D/s than mine.
But no, I don't always want D/s just the way I insist on it being. I find it very sexy when he does what he wants with me, if I'm in the right mood. If I'm not in the right mood, unwanted sexual advances make me feel panicky and withdrawn, and unwanted directives and command make me feel petulant and fiesty. But in the right mood, I love him having his way with me. It's sexy to be used by him for his pleasure, whether it's making him dinner or doing a chore he set up for me or letting him have his way with me.
That can be difficult for him and for me because it's hard for me to tell him which mood I'm in and it's hard for him to guess. For one, sometimes I don't always know. Sometimes I want both at once; part of me wants him to boss me around, punish me, and overpower me, and part of me yells at him that he's a jerk and he's unfair and who does he think he is, anyway? It's confusing for me, let alone him. And sometimes I do know exactly what I want but it ruins it to tell him. "Hey, could you please pretend to get mad at me for breaking this rule, and give me a long lecture, then force me over your knee and spank me and tell me what a bad girl I've been?" Nooooot sexy. I can't say, "Hey, please overpower me and force me" because then he isn't forcing me, he's doing what I want. I can't say, "Be really strict with me and punish me" because then the punishment and the strictness aren't real. I'm not interested in playing sexual "games" where he's the principal and I'm the school girl. I don't want to play games at all. I want it to be real, which means the dominance must come from him and it cannot be because I've requested it and said exactly how I want him to be. I want him to dominate me completely on his own, because he wants to use me or punish me, not because he is pretending to want to in order to make me happy.
Sometimes I test or struggle against him precisely because I want to know, Is this real? I'm not trying to create drama or conflict; I'm worried that I'll actually get what I want and before I trust it and get all happy and rejoice that he's the man I always wanted him to be, I want to make sure it's real. Is he doing this because he wants to or because he's just playing along to make me happy? And even if he wants to, is this just a fun, kinky game he's playing lightly to enjoy every few months, or does he want to increase our level of D/s to be more controlled and more strict all the time? These are things I need to know before I feel it's "safe" to let go and surrender completely.
Why I am afraid to surrender completely? Because I'm afraid of who I am when I'm that submissive. I do and say things totally unlike myself. I feel out of control, I feel high, I feel emotionally vulnerable, I feel completely his. I love that feeling, but before I give in to it I want to make sure that he is ready for that commitment, that he wants it, that he will still want it in 4 days and 5 weeks and 5 months, that he is prepared to do the work and put forth the effort to be in charge of a headstrong and fiery woman for good.
And often, it seems he starts out well, but then he gets busy at work or something... and it falls away. And he gets less consistent and less bossy and less controlling and less sexual. And then I'm left feeling hurt and vulnerable that I let myself open up to that scary part of myself, and I trusted him to control me forever, and he just used it as a short-term hobby until his life got too busy and then he went back to being more vanilla and wanting me to take care of myself.
It scares me.
And also it makes me angry and resentful because I don't get my "fix."
This is why, like Lil said in her post, I want his Dominance to come first and to inspire my submission.... not the other way around.
Do I realize he can't always be in charge of the D/s? Yes. That I have to put in work, too? That sometimes I have to give in even when I don't want to? That my submission can't always just be a reflection of his dominance? Yes.
But I wish it could.
Here's what Lil wrote:
Do I need Dominance to inspire my submission? Yes. I'm like an addict and I want my fix. But I also feel like that fix should come from submission itself--not necessarily just from dominance. Being picky with submission doesn't work.
That's not what it's about. If He was how I wanted Him to be all the time, and only did what I wanted, then it wouldn't really be D/s at all.
My Dom has sometimes complained that I treat TTWD as a fix. I've admitted before that subspace feels a lot like being high. It's a great feeling! Who wouldn't want to re-create it? In subspace, I feel more submissive, I feel more loving toward my Dom, he looks manlier and hotter to me, I respect him more, and we have great, mind-blowing sex. And I mean actually mentally mind-blowing, the kind that is not just physically feels good but deeply mental and therefore much, much more meaningful and sexual to me. So yes, of course I am like an addict chasing that high. And when I don't get it, I can get grumpy. I complain and nag. I blame him for "not dominating me enough."
At least, I used to do those things. I flatter myself that over the last couple of months I've realized this bad behavior of mine and come a long way toward fixing it. I've started submitting to him not just when I feel like it, but because it's the biblical thing to do or because he wants it. I've stopped nagging and complaining and try to verbalize my complaints in a more positive, less derogatory way. All those blogs I read on submission are not completely lost on me; I've learned from them. :)
Am I completely cured of my nagginess? No. But I have improved a lot.
Like Lil, my Dom has commented before that sometimes I want D/s the way I picture it, when I want it, and how I want it.
This is true on some level and not on another. Let me explain.
Yes, I want D/s the way I want it. Like an addict chasing her next high, I adore that feeling of subbiness that he can make me feel when he gives me rules and structure, when he is stern with me, or when he makes me follow a rule even when I complain and protest. I think it's unbearably sexy when he overpowers me, not necessarily physically but mentally and emotionally. I'm very stubborn, and when he can prove that he's more stubborn than me and his word is law, I respond by becoming more maleable and submissive. The problem is that this is my idea of submission and Dominance. His idea is a lot less based on rules and coercion and displays of strength. His style of leadership is, in his words, to "empower" others. (I'm not always sure what he means.) I think he would prefer to point me in the direction I should go, and just have me go there. To me, that is not really D/s, but I understand it's a valid but just different idea of D/s than mine.
But no, I don't always want D/s just the way I insist on it being. I find it very sexy when he does what he wants with me, if I'm in the right mood. If I'm not in the right mood, unwanted sexual advances make me feel panicky and withdrawn, and unwanted directives and command make me feel petulant and fiesty. But in the right mood, I love him having his way with me. It's sexy to be used by him for his pleasure, whether it's making him dinner or doing a chore he set up for me or letting him have his way with me.
That can be difficult for him and for me because it's hard for me to tell him which mood I'm in and it's hard for him to guess. For one, sometimes I don't always know. Sometimes I want both at once; part of me wants him to boss me around, punish me, and overpower me, and part of me yells at him that he's a jerk and he's unfair and who does he think he is, anyway? It's confusing for me, let alone him. And sometimes I do know exactly what I want but it ruins it to tell him. "Hey, could you please pretend to get mad at me for breaking this rule, and give me a long lecture, then force me over your knee and spank me and tell me what a bad girl I've been?" Nooooot sexy. I can't say, "Hey, please overpower me and force me" because then he isn't forcing me, he's doing what I want. I can't say, "Be really strict with me and punish me" because then the punishment and the strictness aren't real. I'm not interested in playing sexual "games" where he's the principal and I'm the school girl. I don't want to play games at all. I want it to be real, which means the dominance must come from him and it cannot be because I've requested it and said exactly how I want him to be. I want him to dominate me completely on his own, because he wants to use me or punish me, not because he is pretending to want to in order to make me happy.
Sometimes I test or struggle against him precisely because I want to know, Is this real? I'm not trying to create drama or conflict; I'm worried that I'll actually get what I want and before I trust it and get all happy and rejoice that he's the man I always wanted him to be, I want to make sure it's real. Is he doing this because he wants to or because he's just playing along to make me happy? And even if he wants to, is this just a fun, kinky game he's playing lightly to enjoy every few months, or does he want to increase our level of D/s to be more controlled and more strict all the time? These are things I need to know before I feel it's "safe" to let go and surrender completely.
Why I am afraid to surrender completely? Because I'm afraid of who I am when I'm that submissive. I do and say things totally unlike myself. I feel out of control, I feel high, I feel emotionally vulnerable, I feel completely his. I love that feeling, but before I give in to it I want to make sure that he is ready for that commitment, that he wants it, that he will still want it in 4 days and 5 weeks and 5 months, that he is prepared to do the work and put forth the effort to be in charge of a headstrong and fiery woman for good.
And often, it seems he starts out well, but then he gets busy at work or something... and it falls away. And he gets less consistent and less bossy and less controlling and less sexual. And then I'm left feeling hurt and vulnerable that I let myself open up to that scary part of myself, and I trusted him to control me forever, and he just used it as a short-term hobby until his life got too busy and then he went back to being more vanilla and wanting me to take care of myself.
It scares me.
And also it makes me angry and resentful because I don't get my "fix."
This is why, like Lil said in her post, I want his Dominance to come first and to inspire my submission.... not the other way around.
Do I realize he can't always be in charge of the D/s? Yes. That I have to put in work, too? That sometimes I have to give in even when I don't want to? That my submission can't always just be a reflection of his dominance? Yes.
But I wish it could.
11/05/2011
Why are you here if you don't want to be here?
Lately I've been watching a lot of Scrubs. That show is so funny! I don't know why I never got into that much before. Some of my favorite lines:
- Janitor: You don't think there's kids whose goal in life is to make the world sparkle?
- Todd: dum-da-dum-dum, Shiny Scapel! dum-da-da-dum, gonna cut him up!
- J.D.: We were so close. In college, we shared a toothbrush. Turk: I was not aware of that. J.D.: We did.
I digress.
You know in that show, the characters of Perry and Jordan? They are married, but they seem to hate each other. They are never nice to each other. They constantly belittle and insult each other. She likes to make him feel like a wuss and he likes to compare her to Satan. And I wonder, even if it's just playful banter, do couples like that even like each other? And if not, why are they together?
Most bloggers seem to really like their spouses. It's refreshing to read about women who respect and like their husbands, and husbands who seem to adore and spoil their wives. You get the sense that these two people actually like each other. Their kids are lucky to see that in their homes every day.
Some people in this lifestyle don't seem to like or love their Masters. They complain about them, call them an "asshole", or talk about how demanding and jerk-ish they are.
Sure, I get that in any relationship we have fights and times when we don't like each other as much. But if you have no respect or like for someone, why are you with him?
And what can we do to keep the like, respect, and love alive even when it's hard?
11/04/2011
D/s or just a good husband?
A lot of what makes my Dom a "good husband" is that he takes care of me.
He takes care of real life things so that I don't have to be stressed out by them. I'm the flighty, creative, emotional one, and he's the down-to-earth one that takes care of what needs to be done. We both bring different strengths to this relationship.
I'm lucky that he takes care of me. When I was single I took care of the car and the little box and getting bills paid, but I'm airheaded and forgetful about them and frankly, they can stress me out. With him in my life, I can let him worry about the details and spend my time with my head in the clouds, or singing, or researching, or being my emotional self.
What things does my Dom take care of?
He takes care of real life things so that I don't have to be stressed out by them. I'm the flighty, creative, emotional one, and he's the down-to-earth one that takes care of what needs to be done. We both bring different strengths to this relationship.
I'm lucky that he takes care of me. When I was single I took care of the car and the little box and getting bills paid, but I'm airheaded and forgetful about them and frankly, they can stress me out. With him in my life, I can let him worry about the details and spend my time with my head in the clouds, or singing, or researching, or being my emotional self.
What things does my Dom take care of?
- Finances. We make the budget together and talk about big purchases, and I have my own credit card that I pay off each month, but he keeps track of most of the bills and makes sure they are paid. House, rent, mortgage, car payments, insurance, his credit card, utilities, trash, and water--he pays all of them. The only two things I'm in charge of paying are my own credit card bill and our tithe. He does this because he is less forgetful about these things and he doesn't want me to have to stress about when and where to pay things.
- Cars. He takes care of everything with our cars: he keeps them both filled with gas (aside from the rare instance I run out when he's not around) and remembers things that never occur to me, like changing the oil and getting the license plates registered.
- Litter boxes. He isn't very good at remembering to do this, but once I remind him a few times, he cleans the litter boxes and refills them. I haven't had to clean a litter box in years.
- Trash. He takes out the trash and recycling and hauls the trash bins back in once the trash has been collected.
- Mowing. Small details like how overgrown our yard is getting completely escape me. He likes mowing, so he gets the gas for the mower, pays attention to when we're becoming an embarrassment to our neighbors, and happily mows away with his iPod and his pipe.
- Putting away laundry. I'm the one who gets the laundry into the washer and through the dryer, but then it sits there. And sits there. And sits there. So once I've washed it, he folds it and puts it away, or else it sits in a clean pile for 3 to 4 weeks.
- Big decisions. We talk about big decisions, I worry myself sick over them, and then he makes them. Our last car, we talked about several options we were both okay with, and when one came open he bought it without even asking me so I wouldn't have to worry about it. Sometimes I am not happy with his decisions (like moving here a few months ago) and I get bitter and resentful, but I do appreciate it that he tries to be a leader and keep me from worrying about them by just making them for us.
11/01/2011
Sex talk or no sex talk?
Some bloggers have mentioned an important topic: do we blog about sex or not? Two recent posts on this topic are by Conina ("On Why I Blog") and Grace ("Intimate Details").
The trend I've noticed is that BDSM blogs have a lot of sex details. It's heavy on what happened and how it happened. On the other hand, DD blogs often skip the intimacy. They talk about punishments and spankings and submission, but don't usually go into detail about the sex.
Of course, each blogger should only share the sexual details he or she wants to. But as a blogger, even if I'm comfortable sharing those sexual details, I have to wonder: will my sharing be offputting to some of my more conservative readers? Will I lose readers if I share too much?
Since I've also blogged about my stance against pornography in my post Porn and the Christian BDSMer, I also worry if, by sharing the dirty details, I'll just gain readers who only read my stories for the sexual titillation. I'm not sure if there's really a moral difference between erotica and porn-- isn't it possible that erotica is just written pornography? It's something I wrestle with.
On the other hand, I feel it's dishonest of me to pretend like punishments aren't erotic for me. Usually, unless I really, really hate one, they are erotic. D/s has definitely helped our sex life, giving it more of a "spark" and making me more interested in sex. This is because, through D/s, I see my husband as more masculine and strong. When we started D/s, I noticed I was much more sexually attracted to him. Suddenly it didn't matter so much what he looked like or that he'd gained 15 pounds and had lost those muscular arms I loved so much when we started dating; I wanted him because he was strong and awe-inspiring! He seemed like such a man to me.
Are there punishments that I hate? Yep. However, there are also punishments that I love. I've gotten aroused and even had orgasms just by being lectured and punished by him. I can't explain why it has that effect on me, but it does.
Still, I was sort of "in the closet" about that. I got the feeling that it was okay to talk about submission and spankings, but not coming or having my nipples pinched. It was okay to talk about crying through a punishment, but not squirting because of one. Spanking and lectures were seen as "okay punishments," but being forced to give him head or submit sexually were "not okay" punishments.
Well, I guess I'm coming out of the proverbial closet. If hearing about my sexual exploits makes my readers uncomfortable, I'm sorry. I'll try not to get too hot n' heavy on the details so I don't offend anyone. I also don't want this to become a place where internet creepers come to get their rocks off on written porn. But I do want to say that sex is part of my punishment dynamic with my husband, a very big part actually, and it's silly for me to feel ashamed of that just because other bloggers keep sex and punishment completely separate. In fact, when I first read about CDD, a big part of the draw was because the stories turned me on mentally in a way I'd not felt for years. The punishment-eroticism was very appealing to me.
Besides, one of my favorite things to do with my girl friends? Talk about sex. It's a rare and precious friendship where you can just talk unashamedly with your friends about your sex lives. It's a way to get things off your chest, discuss your worries and fears, learn from other people, and share part of yourself.
I think that's a good thing to do on my blog.
Want to read more on this topic? Read Bethany's article, Spanking in Relationships, to find out what she thinks of as a mixture between sexuality and spanking in CDD and DD relationships.
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