Women Are Willful

Women are willful. Willfulness leads to being headstrong. Being headstrong leads to testing limits. Testing limits leads to disobedience. Disobedience leads to punishment. Punishment leads to submission. Submission leads to compliance. Compliance leads to harmony. -ObdurateDemand from Fet

Ok, so I'm not saying that all women are willful. They're not. But this quote definitely applies to me. :)

I am willful. Sometimes I get really testy when my Dom tries to give me orders. Get your own darn coffee! flashes through my head. I scowl and avoid eye contact. I get a little furrow between my eyes.

He says it's because I'm stubborn. I say it's because I'm still fighting years of cultural indoctrination.

We're probably both right.

For my marriage, D/s is what helps us smooth those wrinkles away from my forehead. Maybe I'm really comfortable right then. Maybe I'm really into my book. He definitely has two working arms and a healthy set of legs; he could get his own coffee!

But when it comes down to it, we have this unwritten contract that we've both agreed to. So we could sit there and scowl at each other forever, and bicker over who should get up to get the coffee. But in the end, I'm going to lose because I agreed to let him have the power, and I furthermore (foolishly???) agreed that if I disobeyed, he could punish me.

And I hate being spanked.

Really, really hate it. It doesn't make me feel sexy. It's not erotic. It doesn't make me feel contrite and remorseful.

It enfuriates me.

So I have no one to blame but myself when I end up getting up in the middle of what I'm doing, and getting his coffee.

And then, inexplicably, I feel happy that he made me. Apparently what I was doing wasn't so important that I couldn't stop for 10 seconds to pour a mug of coffee. (But it seemed like it at the time!)

Let's explore the cause-and-effect pattern proposed in the quote above.

Willful/headstrong -->Testing Limits.

Do I test limits? You betcha. I'm lucky to have a Dom with a great sense of humor. He knows--because we've talked about it many times--that when I test, it's not to annoy him. It's because I'm trying to make sure that my boundaries are safe. Is he still just as committed to our relationship? Is he going to put forth the effort to enforce those rules he gave me? Is he still stronger than me? Am I still safe with him?

Sometimes it does annoy him, sure. But usually his sense of humor kicks in and he is able to identify my behavior, point it out to me, and stay pretty level about it.

Testing Limits --> Disobedience.

Guilty again. Sometimes, if my preliminary tests to the "fence" that he keeps around our relationship indicate that perhaps the fence is failing because its keeper is busy at work, not in the mood, or not noticing my tests because he's otherwise engaged, I get anxious. I see that fence as keeping the bad out and the good in. He protects me and us and he keeps me in line. Fence down! Fence down! Fence down! I start to panic a bit and I attack the fence with renewed fervor. I want him to engage and fix the fence, or let me out of the fence where I can protect myself.

Disobedience --> Punishment.

This is where his part comes in. He has the choice here to engage, wrestle me back into submission, and restore harmony to our relationship, or to take the easy way and be passive, letting me have my way and putting us back into an equal-power relationship. Being a Dom can be hard work.

Punishment --> Submission.

It doesn't matter what the punishment is. In DD and CDD, it is usually a spanking. In D/s and M/s it can be any negative consequence, including spanking, but I've also heard of corner time, long talks about the negative behavior, canings, or loss of priveleges like the computer or other favorite hobbies. I've heard of Doms who assigned homework or a paper on what the negative behavior was. For really bad stuff, some women lose their collars or their entire D/s relationship.

Does that sound like consequences you'd give a kid? Yep. A common complaint I've heard from Christians against DD and CDD is that the man is infantilizing the woman. To some extent, this might be true. But it's hard to imagine a man having authority and giving rules without having the means to back them up. And I'm yet to come up with a way to punish someone for misbehavior that isn't at least similar to the punishments you'd give a child or teenager. In the Bible, God punishes people for rebellion and sin, yet no one thinks He was treating the Israelites like children. He was just putting His foot down and showing them the way it would be--namely, His way or no way. And I don't think it would work well if my Dom tried to make me wander the Israeli desert for 40 years as a punishment. Just saying.

Submission --> Compliance.

For a more stubborn woman, you probably have to know her really well to find her weak spots, or you have to be prepared to fight her harder to wrestle her back into submission. Yet even the wildest horses can eventually be broken by the right man. Once you find a punishment that makes her feel true remorse, helps her see the error of her ways, and reconciles the two of you, you've hit upon a winner.

Some women will thrash and beg through a spanking, then eventually cry, go limp, and show remorse. This is why some CDD sites advocate spanking the woman until she cries and completely submits (the two are different, by the way, but tears can let you know when you're getting there. Angry tears are different than remorseful tears). For other women, a completely different type of punishment may be necessary. You can be creative here--- it doesn't have to be just physical punishment.

But once the punishment is over, and you've won, she's yours again. She feels safe again. You've proved that her safety fence is still in working order. And you've proved that you're a man capable of handling her.

Women are willful?

Many of us, yes. But a firm, loving hand can change us into the woman you want us to be.