In Defense of Codependency

I think codependency gets a bad rap these days.

Dauntless Vitality has written a great post about neediness in subs. He says most subs will get from a point of wanting submission and liking these new feelings, to needing it. This is true. Sometimes I need him to control or conquer me even when I don't want it. DV rightly points out that this can be scary for subs. It goes against who we always thought we were. It goes against what society and our families and friends probably value in us, namely, our individuality and sense of independence. It doesn't mean we can't be individual and spunky, but sometimes it's still scary.

Coming to terms with needing a strong man in our lives is scary. It sounds bad. It sounds needy and clingy. It sounds like that dreaded word, codependent.

"Codependent" is like a swear word in psychology circles these days. Counselors and psychologists love to throw that word around. Many will recommend self-help books like Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. (I found both books terribly depressing and do not recommend them, by the way).

Codependency is a legitimate illness for many people in relationships with alcoholics, drug addicts, or emotional abusers. I am not devaluing their experiences. I think in those instances, counseling and treatment are great options.

But codependency has grown from a problem affecting a specific group of people to a pop psychology byword. Completely untrained friends and family with no background in psychology will pass judgment on you. You worry about what your husband thinks? If your wife is sad, you're sad too? You put your Dom's needs above your own? You don't give your wife complete autonomy and independence? You don't both spend a lot of time with other people? You must be (*dun dun dun*) CODEPENDENT!!! For shame!

Sigh.

Robert Burney describes codependency like this:

Codependence is about giving power over our self-esteem to external conditions
and/or outer forces (including other people).

Ouch. I think most people in a D/s relationship would qualify as codependent, then.

Melody Beattie has a whole list of co-dependent symptoms that don't really apply to D/s, but here are some that do:

Do you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny?

Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings?

Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?

A lot of subs derive their meaning from their Dom--and vice-versa. You wouldn't be a very good Master or Dom if you didn't feel responsible for your sub, actually. Many people in D/s find their identity through their role (sub, HoH, Mistress, slave). Finding your identity in someone else is a big no-no in today's pop psychology world. We are supposed to be independent! Autonomous! We are not ever supposed to put others above ourselves!

Okay, I'm exaggerating. But this is the difference in working through legitimate codependency issues with a trained professional and reading a few pop-psychology books and considering yourself an expert. Not only is this popular new battle cry of "Independence in marriage!" not very Christlike, it's doesn't sound like a good marriage--even a vanilla one.

A counselor once told me I was codependent. I didn't know what that meant, but I dutifully bought and read Beattie's book, Codependent No More. For the record, I am not the child of an alcoholic or drug addict, and in fact was raised in a stable middle-class home. The book basically just made me feel guilty for being a people-pleaser and caring too much about what people think. It made it seem like I should be selfish and insist on my own independence, even in a healthy relationship. I think it had some wise pointers for me to avoid getting sucked into an abusive relationship, but now that I'm in a marriage with a loving, Christian man who cares about me deeply... the book just makes me feel needlessly guilty for finding my identity primarily through him/us and for giving control of my life to him.

And isn't that what TTWD is?

If you want to read more, check out William Harley, Jr.'s controversial article, How the Co-Dependency Movement is Ruining Marriages. It's taken a lot of heat on the internet with people defending the codependency movement (of course), but Harley's work stands alone as a scathing criticism of pop-psychology codependence.

He Trains Me Because He Loves Me

A few days ago, my Dom put me into subspace with just a few words.

I was so impressed by this that I felt the need to write a blog about it.

I feel close to him when he gives me a new rule or talks to me about my training. It gives me a dreamy, safe feeling just like subspace. It's really sexy to me and I can quickly descend into subspace from there.

On the other hand, I don't get all subby and dreamy just based on any words. He can give me a general command, like to go pack his lunch or to quit whining or just something he wants done that day. They don't really do much for me. Oh, I understand they do something for our relationship, like giving me practice submitting and showing his dominance in little ways, but they generally make me scowl or whine before doing them, not get dreamy and turned on.

Obviously, we're still working on the submitting part and we still have a ways to go on the submitting with a good attitude part.

But when he gives me a new rule, or discusses my training with me, I find it very sexy. When we wrote out our CDD rules a few years ago, I was so turned on by the end I thought I would die. (Of course, the actual implementation of those rules was way less sexy in real life!)

Why do I get dreamy and see him as my Prince Charming?

I think it's because he's engaging in our relationship. He's showing initiative and leadership. I like both those things. They make me respect him more. And respect, in my experience, breeds love and intimacy, not to mention goodwill and attraction. When he tells me a new rule, answers all my questions about it firmly and without backing down, and already has a plan in place to discipline me if I don't obey it in a certain amount of time, I feel loved and cherished. This means he put time and thought into coming up with a boundary. This means he loves me and cares about me as a person, because he has taken the time to analyze my weaknesses and devise a plan to tackle it. This means he is showing active leadership, loving me and leading me into a better marriage for us and a better life for me. He hasn't waited for me to say, "I noticed I've been gossiping a lot lately; I really need to stop." Instead, he has paid attention to me on his own, noticed some stumbling block in my own development or my relationship with God or him or someone else, and all on his own decided I was important enough for him to step in and steer things in a more positive direction.

I really can't imagine being more loved and cherished than that.

Sense of Humor Required

Sometimes, my husband is able to give me so much grace in our relationship. Lately, even when I test and struggle, he always usually engages and wins. I'm starting to struggle against him less. We're starting to have more peace in our relationship. I respect him more and our sex life is better than I ever thought it would be.

Even so, D/s in real life isn't the same as D/s in fantasy. Grace and forgiveness are still needed.

Let's just say his sense of humor still comes in handy.

Today, we had a great, amazing, awesome scene. As he left for work, adoring wife hanging on his neck and even packing his lunch for him, he smiled and said goodbye. "Goodbye, my little tester," he chuckled. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I know myself well enough to know that after we've delved into new and deeper levels of submission, the next day I tend to test him more. It's not that I mean to, but it happens. Apparently, he knew, too.

"You know?" I asked, looking slightly ashamed.

He just smiled. "That's what makes this real," he said.

I pondered how true that was. D/s the way you read about it on the internet and in erotica makes it seem so easy and seamless. The sub walks around in perpetual subspace and the Dom always demands--and gets--perfect obedience. They just waltz from flogging to training to commands to orgasm, a kinky merry-go-round without end.

But in real life, things can look different. I'll get mouthy. I'll get depressed and anxious. He'll be tired or forget to punish a "test." I'll accuse him of being inconsistent. He'll accuse me of not submitting. We have to work at TTWD.

It's real-life, 24/7. It takes work. It takes mistakes.

Mistakes take grace and a sense of humor.

Today, he gave me a new rule. I'm to do devotional time, 10 minutes a day, 5 days a week. On the weekends, I'm to write a devotional journal.

I like this rule. This is the routine I had when I was a new Christian, and it worked well for me. I tend to get flighty and not pay attention in church, but I flourish with routines and written communication and taking notes.

I like the basic rule, but I don't like the loss of freedom implied in a "rule."

"Is this a rule?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Can it not be a rule? I used to do it on my own," I reasoned.

"It has to be a rule. If it's not a rule, you won't do it and I won't be able to discipline you for it."

Fine. Maybe this could be a "rule" in name only with nothing to back it up. I checked to see. "Will you punish me if I don't do it?" I asked.

"Yes."

I started to pout. My lower lip actually protruded. "Whyyyy?" I whined.

He grinned. "So I can give you something to whine about," he chuckled.

As he intended, this stopped me mid-whine. I started to laugh. He was right. My whining was not going to change anything and it would probably just get old for both of us. Luckily, my man knew how to use humor to diffuse the situation.

Suddenly, I didn't want to whine or complain. I felt cared about and protected. Dominated. Safe. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted sex! (This never happened before we started full-time D/s.) This man next to me suddenly seemed very sexy and powerful. He was looking out for me. He was giving me boundaries. Gulp.

I rely on his strength. On his consistency. On his domination and security. But I also rely on his grace. On his forgiveness. On his sense of humor. On his ability to see past the serious and find the laughter.

That is why we make a good team.

Men Never Feeling Hot

I just read the article Of Never Feeling Hot: The Missing Narrative of Desire in Straight Men's Lives by Hugo Schwyzer.

It was pretty amazing.

He's a straight guy blogging about sex. One important thing he said was that a lot of straight men are never seen as desired. Women are seen as desirable, sexual objects who are physically attractive to men, and gay men are, too, but not straight men. They are seen as being judged by their character and achievements, but physically they are taught that, unless you look like Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise, women are never going to desire your body for physical reasons alone. I think this is shockingly true.

In our culture, we're raised to see men as valuable, but not desirable. The average male (not the Brad Pitts of the world, who are a very small minority) is valued for his work, his achievements, his stability and strength, but rarely his looks. The women in his life may make him feel that they appreciate how they can rely on him, how he provides for them, and how he loves them, but society rarely teaches us to show him how hot he is. Sexually, he may know how it feels to be appreciated for how good he makes her feel, but probably not just for being physically desired.

Most men do not look like Brad Pitt. Even the few who do will inevitably age and lose their looks. Certainly, a man's character and heart are far more important than just his looks. But we women, while we want to be seen as smart and successful and funny, also must admit that we love to be told how pretty or beautiful or hot we are. I love it when my husband compliments my body or how I look in a particular dress. Then why do we not reciprocate?


Do you let your husband know when he looks hot? When you want him sexually, not just because you're feeling "in the mood" anyway but because he inspires you to be horny? When you find him desirable and irresistable?

And if not, why not?

Disciplining Your Wife

I get tired of websites that decry Christians being involved in BDSM or DD. I think when it comes to BDSM, other Christians are offended both by the kinky-sex element and the inequality inherent in D/s and power-exchange relationships. When it comes to DD, CDD, and Taken in Hand, other Christians are offended by the idea of power exchange, especially discipling your wife.

I've dealt before with the issue of being Christian and having kinky sex. I don't see a cognitive dissonance between the two. Within marriage, I don't think God dictates that couples only enjoy vanilla sex.

I'll deal today with the second issue common to both BDSM and CDD: wifely discipline. You can find this topic addressed in Jewish, Christian, and Muslim religious traditions.

Any site you'll ever read for or against Christians disciplining their wives will quote that all-famous and ubiquitous verse, Ephesians 5:21-27. If you don't know it, here it is:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

Ephesians 5 clearly states that a woman doesn't need to submit to every man, but to her own husband. Yet advocates of egalitarian Christian marriages will try to invalidate Ephesians 5 by saying this means the man and woman are more or less equal, but perhaps he gets the final decision if they just can't agree, sort of like a 51/49 power relationship. While men and women are certainly equal in abilities, worth, and before God, this verse in no way makes them equal in power while on earth. A 51/49 relationship sounds nice, but it completely ignores that tricky quote, "wives should submit to their husbands in everything." Even the little stuff. Even if she doesn't want to. Even if they can't agree. So Biblically, I just don't think you can make a sound argument for a 49/51 power split. The man is in control, all the time. And with it comes a lot of responsibility to love your wife and create her to be a better Christian, "without stain or wrinkle."

Other Christians will try to explain away Ephesians 5 by saying that verse 21, "Submit to one another," means that God is looking for a 50/50, equal partnership. I argue that takes the quote completely out of context and ignores the following part. Rather, Paul is introducing his topic (submission). He then goes on to explain in great detail exactly how we are to submit: wives to their husbands in everything, children to their parents, and slaves to their masters.

What a lot of people don't realize is that Ephesians 5 is just the tip of the iceberg. There are other verses that clearly put the husband in charge of the wife. My Dom always says that troughout the Bible, God loves heirarchies. The angels are in heirarchies. The Israelite society has heirarchies. The Israelite army works in heirarchies. Families work in heirarchies. The chain of command goes like this: God, husband, wife, children.

Let's go beyond Ephesians 5 and see what other parts of the Bible have to say.

In Genesis 3:16, God said to Eve:

Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

Other translations say, "he will rule you" (GWT), "he will be your master," (BBE) or "he will have dominion over thee" (DRB). The meaning is clear.

In Titus 2:4, Paul gives women many instructions, including "to be subject to their husbands."

In Colossians 3:19, Paul tells wives:

Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

Like in Ephesians, he then follows it with a reminder of the man's responsibility to love her and treat her well. Nowhere in the Bible is submission a free gift; it does come with responsibility!

If you want to make the argument that Ephesians, Titus, and Colossians are all written by that misogynist Paul, I offer you a quote from Peter, another leader of the early church and Jesus' best friend. Peter 3:1-5 says:

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands...For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord.

Paul here is referring to Genesis 18:12, where Sarah calls Abraham adon, the Hebrew word for lord, master, or owner. It's difficult for proponents of egalitarian Christian marriage to explain away how the words lord, master, and owner can be interpreted the same as husband--but they try because it's no longer politically correct to think of your husband as your master or owner.

I think it's interesting that in ancient Jewish culture, the endearment husbands used to refer to their wives, achoth and rayah, literally meant "sister" and "beloved female companion," respectively, while adon comes from a root meaning to rule, and can also mean a soveriegn, a Divine or human controller, or a lord, master, or owner. One clearly had the meaning of power and authority, while the other did not, though both were loving terms.

If you're curious what other religious traditions have to say about discipline, both the Jewish Bible (aka Christian Old Testament) and Koran mention discipline.

I've already quoted the Hebrew Bible when it comes to Genesis. It gives husbands the right to nullify their wives' vows or forbid them from fulfilling a vow in Numbers 30:6-8, a clear indication of their power in the relationship. In Deuteronomy 22:28-29 and Exodus 22:16, a man who raped a maiden had to pay her father a dowry and marry her; in essence, he bought her from her father and she became his. The Hebrew Bible also compares Israel to God's wife and shows Him disciplining her, both physically and emotionally. One example I love (because it speaks mostly of God's forgiveness and mercy) of God's metaphorical "marriage" to Israel is Hosea 2, where He disciplines her until she repents and returns to Him, and then showers her with love:

“Rebuke your mother, rebuke her,
for she is not my wife,
and I am not her husband.
Let her remove the adulterous look from her face
and the unfaithfulness from between her breasts.
Otherwise I will strip her naked
and make her as bare as on the day she was born;
I will make her like a desert,
turn her into a parched land,
and slay her with thirst.
I will not show my love to her children,
because they are the children of adultery.
Their mother has been unfaithful
and has conceived them in disgrace.
She said, ‘I will go after my lovers,
who give me my food and my water,
my wool and my linen, my olive oil and my drink.’
Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.
She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say, ‘I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now.’

These verses speak of God disciplining His wife, stripping her of privileges and punishing her until she has no choice but to return to Him, repentant. But the story ends happily; later in the same chapter, Hosea 2:14-19 says:

Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her.

...I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
I will betroth you in faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the LORD.

Just like every CDD and DD site says, the point of discipline in this Judeo-Christian text is to rebuke and exhort, teach a lesson, get rid of the negative, sinful behavior, and replace it with godly behavior. It's not just abuse. The end goal is reconciliation with God and husband.

In the Islamic faith, the Koran clearly gives husbands the right to discipline their wives in although other verses also clarify that husbands must not be abusive and must be loving to their wives. Here's Sura 4:34:

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more strength than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in the husband's absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them first. Next, refuse to share their beds, and last beat them; but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means of annoyance: For Allah is Most High, great above you all.

The theme of discipline in marriage is just one I've been exploring and researching lately. Just because people in these cultures follow (or followed) these traditions doesn't mean everyone has to, but it's worth taking a look at where these concepts came from and how they are practiced today.

How to Start Your Own Sub Training

In my earlier post on sub training, I stated that I think it's best if a Master creates his own training program for his wife. Whether you call it rules or training, it makes sense for you to have control over what changes your wife makes and how she acts when in service to you.

You should take into consideration many things when creating a training program.

How will the training program be completed?

Will you write down a list of rules? Will both of you sign a contract? Will you give her a general topic to work on and research herself and report back to you, or will you do the research yourself and then teach it to her? Will your training program be printed, like worksheets and instructions kept in a folder, or verbal? Or, will you use email and blogs to send her assignments and receive her responses?

Will you use an online training program (such as Master David's or Gorean rules) or slave training manual (such as Miss Abernathy's or Master Nage's books) as a template, or create your own training from scratch? While these resources or the 128 Basic Slave Rules may be a good place to get ideas, they mostly apply to the leather or M/s community, and I encourage you to create your own specific training program that is tailored to the needs of your sub and your plans for your marriage together.

How long will the training program take?

Training is ongoing, since I've never heard of a sub that completely stopped testing limits, even in 20-year relationships. However, the idea is that initial training should be more rigorous to help your sub un-learn old habits and really solidify newer, positive ones. Then you can just keep maintaining the training she's already learned and adding new components as necessary.

For each specific goal, you need to decide how long you want training to take. Depending on how difficult a task is, your slave's personality, and how ingrained her old habits are, this could be weeks or months. Make the easier, simpler skills have a shorter "due date" than the more difficult ones. Having a set timeline is important; this ensures that when life gets busy, you don't both just stagnate and let the training stall indefinitely.

How will you keep tabs on her progress?

You'll need to keep tabs on her progress each day and week. I'd advise daily check-ins for some things (either tasks she completes daily, or that she struggles a lot with) and weekly for others. How often will you check in with her? How will you keep tabs? Will she email you her progress, including rules she's broken, or keep a private blog for you? Will she keep a journal or create a slave training folder for you to read? Will she text you throughout the day with her progress? Will you set a time each night to discuss it together?

What kind of person do you want her to be?

Since you are the Dom, you have ultimate say in what goes into her training and what doesn't, no matter what online sub training and DD websites say or don't say you should do. Look at your wife. What aspects of her personality are really great and should be kept? Which ones are negative and should definitely go? Which personality traits, skills, talents, and dreams does she have that maybe she is too afraid or shy or unaware to develop herself, and how can you help her develop them?

What kind of person does God want her to be?

I can't stress enough that, at least for people who adhere to a specific religion, it matters far less what kind of person you want her to be than who God wants her to be. For Christians, her relationship with Christ is the most important one of her life. He created her, He knew her before you knew her, He made her the person she is today, and only He can take care of her should you leave this world before she does. When she dies, she'll do it alone with only Him to help her.

When creating a training program, if you are a Christian, you must take into account Biblical commands and guidance. It doesn't matter how much you want her to be in a gang bang, because the Bible is clear that's not okay. Look at the Bible to see what kind of person God wants her to be. Does she struggle with common sins, such as worry, gossip, drunkeness, idleness, etc.? If you're going to lead her to be more like Christ, you have to know your Bible and you have to make sure your training aligns with it.

What kind of person does she want to be?

She's given you a great honor by giving you authority over her. Respect her wishes. What kind of woman does she want to grow into, under your guidance?

What is good and healthy for her and your relationship?

Many Doms will include emotional and physical health in training. Physically, does she need to exercise, stop smoking, or eat better? Does she need to eat more or less? Does she have a history of eating disorders?

Emotionally, does she have any past issues that are hindering your relationship together? Many women come to marriages scarred by past emotional or physical abuse. This may manifest in unhealthy behaviors such as lack of trust, emotional withdrawl, insecurity or jealousy, the silent treatment, or a nasty temper.

Everyone has self-defense mechanisms we use as a response to past hurts and to protect ourselves from being hurt again. In a marriage, those self-defense strategies often have the unintended effect of closing down communication. What self-defense mechanisms does your wife use? Silent treatment? Sulking? Criticizing? Yelling? Blaming? Closing off emotionally? Be aware of them and use training as a way to break down those bad habits and open the doors for increased intimacy and communication.

Can you stay consistent?

Don't even bother starting training if you aren't going to have time for it. If you're too busy at work or tend to be the kind of guy who forgets to follow through and lets things slide, this isn't for you. If you can't provide clear-cut guidelines for her and maintain daily or periodic check-ups to monitor her progress and provide feedback, correction, punishment, and encouragement, you'll just send the message that your relationship and her training aren't important to you.

Let me say it again: If the rules aren't important enough to enforce, they aren't important enough for you to make them in the first place.

How will you provide feedback, positive reinforcement, and consequences?

Will you provide feedback verbally, via email, text, blog, letter, or a mixture? How often will you give her feedback? It's also a good idea to set up specific "mini-goals" within each goal. For instance, if your goal is for her to be sexually available to you 100% of the time within a month, you might set a mini-goal that you will surprise her with a sexual request every 3 days at first. Eventually, you can increase your demands until you reach your all-the-time goal.

If she reaches her mini-goals, what positive reinforcement will she get? This can be as simple as praise or something more concrete like a gift from you. (I know one slave who receives a symbolic charm for each training element she successfully completes.) If she doesn't reach her mini-goals and long-term goals, what will the punishment be? It's important to set it out for her so she knows in advance what to expect.

How will you meausure each specific goal?

Goals have to specific. Something like, "In 1 month, you will be more respectful to me," is impossible to measure and therefore impossible to know if the training was successful. If you want her to improve in the area of respect, for example, make it something specific, such as, "You will not use insulting names to refer to me" or "You will keep your tone respectful in front of the children." Be specific about what exactly you want to see change. Also, make sure you can measure a goal. "You will be sexually available to me" is not measurable, but "You will be available for anal sex each night before bed" is. At the beginning, you may reward her for 80% success, but as training continues, she should get to 90 and then 100%.

How will you keep training ongoing?

Once the initial training is complete, you can't just expect her to never make a mistake again. Sometimes she will forget and make a mistake. And sometimes she will test you on purpose. Don't let all your hard work be for nothing by letting her slack off once the training is complete. You still need to make sure she is staying true to the new behaviors she's learned by communicating with her, letting her know when you see a problem, and providing immediate correction if she slips up.

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If you consider all these areas before you start your sub training, you'll have a good foundation to build upon.

I'm not going to tell you what rules you should make for your slave, because I don't know you or your slave. However, these are some general areas you should consider before designing your training program.

Training a Sub

The phrase "training a slave" or "training a sub" always gets my Dom's goat. I think he sees it distasteful, like training a dog or a horse. Obviously, a slave is not a dumb animal.

I try to look at it more as "training" that we might encounter in our jobs or in the workplace. Training is a way our bosses make sure we are on the same page with the rest of the company: we know how to do things according to company policy, we understand how this particular job needs to be done, and we get familiar with what's expected of us by our bosses.

In D/s, some people also call this "breaking a slave." You can think of it as similar to training a horse, which is a beautiful, intelligent animal that also happens to be wild and fierce when unbroken. I think women are much the same way.

According to Submissive Guide:

Training is meant to adjust the slave’s core attitudes and behaviors to be more in tune with the Master. It certainly seems that as slaves, we do pass a point where the major force of our resistance and self-defensive mechanisms, the shell, is broken, and we enter a state of pliancy and moldability for our owners.

The training we undergo is also a from of breaking in. You will be told what is expected of you, learn the right and wrong way to go about certain tasks and anything else that the Master wishes to enhance or downplay in your manner or behavior. [emphasis mine]

Training is simply another word for learning or education. In a very simple sense, it could be considered "training" when my Dom tells me he wants me to get him a cup of coffee in the morning and to soap him down in the shower. These are behaviors I didn't use to do, so I have to practice them and he has to make sure I don't slip back into my old habits. A more complex form of training would be teaching me to submit to sex whenever he requests it or to submit to anal sex for a sub who says that's a limit.

Luna K gives a good example of training a sub: Perhaps your Dom wants you to receive your punishments in silence, without crying or speaking or moving. If your natural tendency is to fight, beg, scream, or cry, he'll have to train you to exhibit the behavior he prefers.

If your Master has preferences on how you will speak, dress, or act, that's training. If he has preferences on how he wants his dinner prepared every time, that's training. It's simply learning what he wants and changing your behavior to fit that.

It is important to note that training doesn't mean you wipe away your sub or slave's personality. You aren't creating a different person; you are simply teaching new, positive behaviors and eradicating old, negative ones. For instance, my Dom likes that I am playful and cheeky; he does not want to train me into a mindless, silent slave, but he does want me to be obedient and respectful while maintaining my spirit and wit. This requires him to train me, showing me which of my natural behaviors he wants me to express freely and which negative or self-destructive ones he wants me to outgrow.

There are on-line training programs, but I think it's better if each Master devises his own training program for his wife. This way, training is unique to each couple and guaranteed to be worth the work. There's no point spending time learning rules and behaviors that neither of you really care about, while possibly skipping some new behaviors that your Master would really like you to learn.

It's important to remember that training takes work on the part of both people. Deciding upon rules and behaviors, planning a training program, deciding how long to give each goal and how to measure each goal's success or failure, plus providing rewards and consequences for new behaviors is a lot of work. Please note that if you are going to train a sub, you must be entirely consistent. You cannot set forth a training program and then forget to check your sub's progress along the way and expect her to come out successful. You must be willing to be engaged in every step of the process, oversee how her training is going each day, and provide constant feedback and correction.

My Pattern of Submission

I'm becoming aware of a pattern I have that allows me to either sink into subspace, and acquiese sexually to my Dom in the bedroom, or that keeps me from letting go of that last bit of mental control and submitting fully.

As I understand it, here's the pattern:

1. Top-space. This is the normal, vanilla headspace where I live most of my life. Here, I am more independent and free-thinking, although I still submit to my husband at times.



2. Relaxation. As an abuse survivor, it is hard for me to relax before sex. Even when I want sex. My tendency is to get tense. I try to take deep breaths and focus, but it isn't in my control. My Dom will often do things to help me relax, such as talking to me, reminding me to breathe and relax, or stroking me soothingly. If those still don't work, he can usually get me to relax by distracting me (making me focus on pleasing him, for instance) or making me feel physically controlled (by tying me up, handcuffing me, pinching my nipples, choking me, or forcing his fingers down my throat).



3. Desire to Be Hurt. Once I am finally relaxed or distracted, I am often struck by an inexplicable desire for him to hurt me. I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day with this admission! But instead of desiring physical pleasure (which is, I guess, what society says I am "supposed" to feel after I relax and before sex), I long to be hurt. I wish he would choke me, or torture my nipples, or pull my hair. I want him to make me in service to him and I want him to demonstrate his power over me. I also want to know that he wants to hurt me.



4. Being Hurt. If he hurts me, my pain will increase at first, and then decrease without explanation. Suddenly, my body releases endorphins and I descend into a much deeper relaxation than before. I start to float toward subspace, and hover just outside it.



5. Being Pushed. I usually just need one more big shove at this point to put me into subspace. I'll hover there, expectant and longing. He can do many things to give me this "big push." He can talk to me, telling me how he owns me. This is more a mental domination. Or he can hurt me more, which is especially effective if he also tells me how much he enjoys hurting me and how much it turns him on, and if he forces me to explain to him how much I am hurting. This is both pain-based and mental domination. Either the dirty talk or the pain, in a large enough dose, will give me that big push I need to enter into full submission.



6. Wanting Pleasure. In this level, I'm in subspace and I am greedy to experience everything he has to offer. I could lie there happily and take hours and hours of pain or pleasure (or both!). Here, pain no longer registers as pain and usually feels very sexual and pleasurable. I can take much higher doses of pain in this stage as well, and am often disappointed because he'll stop when "Topspace me" would be maxed out, but well before "Subspace me" is done.



7. Wanting to Serve. Once my greedy submissive desires have been sated, I also want to serve him. I am still in subspace, but now I'm feeling how much I love him and how grateful I am for all that delicious pain and pleasure he's just given me. In this stage, I'll do completely un-"Topspace me" like things like beg to serve him sexually, draw him a bath, or make him lunch. Usually, he has to force me to do these things!



8. Floating Down. Once we're done in the bedroom, I still feel submissive to him for several hours afterward. I stick to him like glue in public, get up to get him drinks or snacks, and worry a lot more about how he wants me to wear my hair, makeup, or clothes. Again, in Topspace, I'm more independent than this, so he thoroughly enjoys it!



9. Subdrop. The sad epilogue of a truly great scene. After I come floating off of my subspace cloud, I long to re-start the process (which is easier to jumpstart from Stage 8 than Stage 1) and feel it again. If we don't have time or he is at work, I eventually get sad and mopey. I long to feel subspace again. Sometimes I'll get emotional and grouchy, or test him to try to get my "submissive high" again.



10. Normal Topspace. Eventually, I go back to normal, which is basically Stage 1.

This pattern may be something other subs experience or it may not; it is, however, definitely the stages as I've noticed I go through them. It only really applies to sexual submission, as outside the bedroom I can easily get him lunch or do his laundry while still in top-space.

If there is a breakdown at some stage of the pattern (usually Stage 2, 3, or 4 are the places we get stalled), it's impossible for me to get into subspace or be that willing sexual submissive he wants me to be. It may be because of my history; an inability to relax before sex or feel pleasure without being dominated and hurt can definitely hijack the normal process of sexual arousal. Yet I know many kinksters who prefer sex with pain and/or domination, so I don't think it can be 100% attributed to an abusive past.

Either way, I'm not sure why I do TTWD, but this is what works for me.

Barriers on the Road to Surrender

Subs may hit road bumps on the way to submission. Whether your immediate goal is getting her to subspace, punishing her, or simply getting her to relax, you will doubtless hit these bumps in the road. Sometimes they are small bumps, things that you notice but don't really hinder the journey. Sometimes they are full-on barriers in the road and you have to stop the car and remove the barrier before you can keep driving.

Some barriers are doubtless in your slave's control. Some of them are probably not; these are the instinctual, emotional, or even habitual responses. Eventually, these can become unlearned, but that will take training and consistency on your part.

Here are some things that can hinder subs from fully submitting:

• Fear. This is at the root of all the other barriers! Whether a sub is stubbornly telling you no, swearing her remorse if you stop caning her, or putting distance between you, they all stem from fear. The question is, what is she afraid of? She may be afraid of being seen as a doormat, being judged, being too sexual, losing her self-identity, being too needy, or any number of things. Sometimes she may not consciously know unless you ask her and make her think about it.




• Stubborness. This is definitely within a sub's control, and represents a basic failure on her part to allow herself to feel "loss of self". You can point out what she is doing and encourage her to let go of herself a bit and acquiese to you.




• Embarrassment. It is almost impossible to relax enough to surrender to another person if a sub is feeling embarrassed, because embarrassment focuses on yourself ("What do I look like? How am I being perceived?") instead of the other person. It is a natural reaction, but one your sub will have to get over to reach fuller submission. You may want to reassure her, distract her, or simply focus her attention back to you.




• Self-consciousness. This is related to embarrassment. If a sub is struggling with insecurity and self-consciousness, it's going to be difficult for her to go into subspace or reach that level after a punishment where she completely surrenders. When my Dom brings my focus back to him, or causes me pain to distract me, it helps me forget about feeling self-conscious.




• Anger. Feeling angry means she's feeling wronged somehow, whether rightly or wrongly. She may feel you are being unfair or unkind. If she is focusing on how wrong you are and how right she is, this gives her a sense of moral power and judgment over you. You may need to talk through the problem and listen to her feelings and validate them. Even if you do not change your original stance (and often you shouldn't!), simply letting her know you understand her feelings and that you have taken them into consideration can help.




• False apologies. This happens a lot right before or during a punishment. Subs will complain and holler, "Not fair!" and come up with a million excuses why they shouldn't be punished and a million ways they will never do it again. Especially if the punishment hurts, she may start apologizing profusely before she means it. I will say that for me, false apologies are not an attempt to be dishonest or lie to my Dom. However, when I'm in so much pain that I'll do anything to stop it, the, "I'm sorries!" just come flying out without me thinking about them because I am desperate to make the pain--which I am honestly sure I could not handle one more ounce of--stop. One solution to this is training in overcoming pain barriers; another is waiting to see if she still demonstrates an actual attitude change once the pain stops.




• Emotional distance. This is a weapon many women have learned when physically overpowering you is impossible. You are bigger and stronger, so you can control her body, but she can shut you out of her mind. This is her attempt to keep some power. Symptoms include sulking, avoiding eye contact, not answering questions, and getting quiet and withdrawn. She may do it when she is overloaded or overwhelmed. Emotional distance is poison for a relationship because it impedes communication, which is vital for reconciliation. Dr. John Gottman calls this stonewalling, and its presence in a relationship makes you more vulnerable to divorce.




• Abuse triggers. Things that remind her of past abuse, whether physical, sexual, or emotional, will garner intense physical reactions from her that she probably can't control. She may go completely numb and unmoving, or she may fight you like a tiger. She is not reacting to you; she is reacting to the situation. Abuse victims cannot usually control their reactions; their brains simply react to a perceived threat. Communication is key to understand what her triggers are, why those are triggers, and so that you can recognize the signs. You can also work to devise a plan to work past those triggers or make them less intense when they do occur.

Wait! I didn't add pain to the list! While it is possible for physical pain to jolt a sub out of subspace, it is interesting to note that pain can actually serve to put a sub into subspace. Once my Dom has gotten me to clear my mind and relax, it is often only a centering jolt of pain that I need to send me into subspace. I call it "centering" because it forces all other thoughts and concerns out of my head, and I focus only on one thing. It also makes me go into subspace easier because I find it sexy that he has power over me.

Let's go back to the subject of which of these "barrier to submission" are in your sub's control and which are not. Some are probably conscious choices she makes; others are subconscious decisions she makes and you may need to point out exactly what she's doing before she will realize it and correct the mistake. For instance, I know if I'm being stubborn. It's a conscious choice I make, and I deserve it when my Dom punishes me for it. On the other hand, I often don't realize when I start to bring myself out of subspace because I'm getting embarrassed about acting "too submissive," or when I am forgetting to make a verbal request because I assume he'll read my body language. In those cases, once he points it out to me, I realize what I'm doing and can make the choice to change my behavior.

Other barriers, however, are not in her control. A sub who has been abused cannot control panic attacks brought on by triggering that event. Telling her to relax in that situation will not do any good, because the truth is she can't relax. However, even the most instinctive reactions can be unlearned, with slow and careful navigation on your part, lots of communication, and patience as you train her body to un-learn old reactions and learn new ones.

One reason I like the BDSM idea of "training" over the idea of just going straight to discipline is that it gives the sub time to understand what reactions she is having, how they are affecting the relationship, and what the Dom would prefer she do instead. Training can include punishment, but it is often the final resort, and first the couple is expected to communicate. If my Dom tells me what he wants me to learn, why it's important, and how he wants me to learn it, that gives me time to adjust to a new and unfamiliar pattern of behavior under his guidance and tutorage. He can guide me through days and weeks of learning the new behavior, and punishment is a final resort rather than his first answer to everything.

Women Are Willful

Women are willful. Willfulness leads to being headstrong. Being headstrong leads to testing limits. Testing limits leads to disobedience. Disobedience leads to punishment. Punishment leads to submission. Submission leads to compliance. Compliance leads to harmony. -ObdurateDemand from Fet

Ok, so I'm not saying that all women are willful. They're not. But this quote definitely applies to me. :)

I am willful. Sometimes I get really testy when my Dom tries to give me orders. Get your own darn coffee! flashes through my head. I scowl and avoid eye contact. I get a little furrow between my eyes.

He says it's because I'm stubborn. I say it's because I'm still fighting years of cultural indoctrination.

We're probably both right.

For my marriage, D/s is what helps us smooth those wrinkles away from my forehead. Maybe I'm really comfortable right then. Maybe I'm really into my book. He definitely has two working arms and a healthy set of legs; he could get his own coffee!

But when it comes down to it, we have this unwritten contract that we've both agreed to. So we could sit there and scowl at each other forever, and bicker over who should get up to get the coffee. But in the end, I'm going to lose because I agreed to let him have the power, and I furthermore (foolishly???) agreed that if I disobeyed, he could punish me.

And I hate being spanked.

Really, really hate it. It doesn't make me feel sexy. It's not erotic. It doesn't make me feel contrite and remorseful.

It enfuriates me.

So I have no one to blame but myself when I end up getting up in the middle of what I'm doing, and getting his coffee.

And then, inexplicably, I feel happy that he made me. Apparently what I was doing wasn't so important that I couldn't stop for 10 seconds to pour a mug of coffee. (But it seemed like it at the time!)

Let's explore the cause-and-effect pattern proposed in the quote above.

Willful/headstrong -->Testing Limits.

Do I test limits? You betcha. I'm lucky to have a Dom with a great sense of humor. He knows--because we've talked about it many times--that when I test, it's not to annoy him. It's because I'm trying to make sure that my boundaries are safe. Is he still just as committed to our relationship? Is he going to put forth the effort to enforce those rules he gave me? Is he still stronger than me? Am I still safe with him?

Sometimes it does annoy him, sure. But usually his sense of humor kicks in and he is able to identify my behavior, point it out to me, and stay pretty level about it.

Testing Limits --> Disobedience.

Guilty again. Sometimes, if my preliminary tests to the "fence" that he keeps around our relationship indicate that perhaps the fence is failing because its keeper is busy at work, not in the mood, or not noticing my tests because he's otherwise engaged, I get anxious. I see that fence as keeping the bad out and the good in. He protects me and us and he keeps me in line. Fence down! Fence down! Fence down! I start to panic a bit and I attack the fence with renewed fervor. I want him to engage and fix the fence, or let me out of the fence where I can protect myself.

Disobedience --> Punishment.

This is where his part comes in. He has the choice here to engage, wrestle me back into submission, and restore harmony to our relationship, or to take the easy way and be passive, letting me have my way and putting us back into an equal-power relationship. Being a Dom can be hard work.

Punishment --> Submission.

It doesn't matter what the punishment is. In DD and CDD, it is usually a spanking. In D/s and M/s it can be any negative consequence, including spanking, but I've also heard of corner time, long talks about the negative behavior, canings, or loss of priveleges like the computer or other favorite hobbies. I've heard of Doms who assigned homework or a paper on what the negative behavior was. For really bad stuff, some women lose their collars or their entire D/s relationship.

Does that sound like consequences you'd give a kid? Yep. A common complaint I've heard from Christians against DD and CDD is that the man is infantilizing the woman. To some extent, this might be true. But it's hard to imagine a man having authority and giving rules without having the means to back them up. And I'm yet to come up with a way to punish someone for misbehavior that isn't at least similar to the punishments you'd give a child or teenager. In the Bible, God punishes people for rebellion and sin, yet no one thinks He was treating the Israelites like children. He was just putting His foot down and showing them the way it would be--namely, His way or no way. And I don't think it would work well if my Dom tried to make me wander the Israeli desert for 40 years as a punishment. Just saying.

Submission --> Compliance.

For a more stubborn woman, you probably have to know her really well to find her weak spots, or you have to be prepared to fight her harder to wrestle her back into submission. Yet even the wildest horses can eventually be broken by the right man. Once you find a punishment that makes her feel true remorse, helps her see the error of her ways, and reconciles the two of you, you've hit upon a winner.

Some women will thrash and beg through a spanking, then eventually cry, go limp, and show remorse. This is why some CDD sites advocate spanking the woman until she cries and completely submits (the two are different, by the way, but tears can let you know when you're getting there. Angry tears are different than remorseful tears). For other women, a completely different type of punishment may be necessary. You can be creative here--- it doesn't have to be just physical punishment.

But once the punishment is over, and you've won, she's yours again. She feels safe again. You've proved that her safety fence is still in working order. And you've proved that you're a man capable of handling her.

Women are willful?

Many of us, yes. But a firm, loving hand can change us into the woman you want us to be.

The One Twue Way

In [insert your community here: BDSM, D/s, DD, CDD, Taken in Hand, M/s, etc.], in all these very interrelated communities, there is always someone who feels like they are not following "The One Twue Way."

No, that's not a typo. The twue way is just like a twue sub or a twue dom. There is no one right way to do it. There is no way you must be.

The online blogger communities are great for me because I can get so many great ideas. I can see how these relationships work in real life. I can see what works for me and what doesn't. I always try to share really good quotes or posts with my Dom, so he can share in this community, too.

In my online meanderings, I've found slaves with very detailed lists of rules and slaves with no real rules. I've met subs who love to submit and please, and subs who have to be forced into it and conquered. I've read posts by DD or CDD women who had to beg their husbands to discipline them and women who still beg their husbands not to.

Love it or hate it, if TTWD (This Thing We Do) is also TTYD (This Thing You Do), you fit in here.

It doesn't matter if you have rules or not. If your husband spanks you or not. If you have rituals or not. If you are good at submitting or not. If you call your husband a Master, Sir, Dom, or Head of Household, or none of the above.

This community has enough room for everyone.

The sad thing, I think, is when reading others' blogs and participating in online communities (like Fetlife and Taken in Hand) makes us feel alienated and alone, instead of encouraged and inspired. I've felt that way. Other bloggers (I'm specifically thinking of Libby, Kaya, and Stormy, but there are more) have also recently written about it. I think at some point, many of us feel like maybe we don't fit in here. Yet the point is to learn from others--their mistakes and successes, but mostly just their stories.

Each one of us is in a relationship that is completely and utterly unique. I believe God planned a specific person for each one of us. As Genesis 2:18 says:

God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

The word for "man" here is the Hebrew word hadam or adam, and it means man, mankind, or human. The word applied to the woman is ezer, meaning a help or helper, someone who gives aid. For this specific man, God created a specific helper who would fit him-- in other words, they complemented each other. Eve probably wouldn't have fit so well with any other man, because God hadn't created her to be a lifemate to anyone else. These two went specifically together.

There are a lot more of us on the earth now, but the basic principle remains the same. Each couple is made uniquely to suit. I can see how God knew, even better than my husband or I did, how we were going to complement each other and fit each other's needs. Sure, in the past I had dated other, very nice, boys, but I prayed hard about who I should end up with and so I trust that I was led to the right one for me.

So of course it seems obvious that what works for my Dom and me is not what's going to work for many other D/s couples. Our communities should be here to encourage and support one another--to give us the edification that yes, there are other people out there like us, other people struggling along similar journeys and having similar experiences and making similar mistakes. We have a lot to learn from one another.

But there is no "right" or "wrong" way to build your relationship. If you are communicating with each other, praying about it, and staying safe, sane, and consensual, you shouldn't ever feel like you are a misfit or don't belong. There is no "One Twue Way."

Unless my Dom asks. And then, you should tell him it's my way.

Just kidding.

Dominant Blogs

I read a lot of submissive blogs. Lately, I'm trying to find more blogs by Dominants.

And I mean good, quality blogs. Blogs written by men in committed relationships with one submissive woman. Men who have something worthwhile to share about their dominance and how their relationships work.

So far, here are some I've been impressed with:

• (Not So) Random Thoughts by Omega. Omega is a Master to the submissive blogger Mouse.


• A Dominant Character by Sir J. He is a 24/7 Dom who's been married 23 years.


• Husbandly Touch by Mick. Mick and his wife are in a DD relationship.


• Goreans of Reality. Jake's Kajira keeps copies of her Master Jake's writings here. He has good insights on how his slave's mind works.


• A Neo Dom's Journey by Neo Dom Tom. He and his wife have been in a full-time BDSM relationship for over a year.


• A Dauntless Journey by Dauntless Vitality. DV writes theoretical articles about how M/s and D/s work.


• The Training of My Lovely Slut by William. He is a Dom who uses elements of DD in his marriage.

I will add that all of these men are still actively blogging as of June 2011. I try not to follow bloggers who fall off the face of the earth. :) If they stop blogging in the future and the links no longer work, I claim no responsibility.

If you enjoy their writings, please support them by leaving a comment. And let them know Sexperts sent you their way!

Being A Feminist's Daughter

Sometimes, in the middle of a scene, I'll lose subspace and come jolting back to reality.

This happened yesterday.

I hate it when that happens. I love subspace. I love the feeling of calm relaxation. I love feeling so close to my Dom. I enjoy feeling his strength and power and masculinity.

But then, suddenly, I am afraid of those feelings.

I've talked in a previous post about how I feel submission and feminism can go hand-in-hand. But that doesn't mean it's always easy for me.

I used to be afraid of giving oral sex. But thanks to a very loving, patient husband, I am slowly learning to give head on my own terms. I am learning to enjoy it and see it as a symbol of submission. I can now kiss and adore this masculine part of him and feel grateful that he's letting me.

As I descended into subspace yesterday, I got more enthusiastic. I lost my inhibitions.

And then, I got embarrassed. I am still my mother's daughter, after all. What would she think if she knew I submitted to my husband? I could feel the judgment. Not from my mother. But from myself.

I paused from what I was doing. Shook my head to clear it. I squeezed my eyes shut tight and got a tiny frown. My forehead wrinkled up.

"What am I doing? I'm losing control. I must look ridiculous." Enter self-loathing.

My nice, dreamy subspace fled.

Of course, within a few minutes, he noticed.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

I sighed and laid my head against his thigh. "I lost it," I whined.

His hands reached for me. "It's okay, baby," he soothed. "We can get it back."

He knows that I struggle with this. That sometimes, I judge myself for what I think society and my family might think. That I struggle with letting go of total control.

Gently, firmly, with strong hands, he leads me back.

He takes the decision for me and decides this is what's best for us. He pushes me back into subspace, knowing that there I feel safer and happier and I can lean on him for support.

Sometimes he does it with punishment. Sometimes with a look. Sometimes with pain. Sometimes with pleasure. He is learning to play my mind and body like an instrument. He is getting better.

Someday, we will be experts at each other.

My mother is not in my marriage. She has no place in our bedroom.

Neither do my fears and insecurities. Slowly, he is showing them the door.

Precious Cargo

He starts to undress me. I whimper.

His hands pause. "What's the matter?" he asks me.

Blindfolded, I cower into the bed. "I don't like my stomach," I whimper.

"You're beautiful," he says, as his hands continue to remove my clothes.

_____________________________________

I am kneeling on the bed, eyes closed.

"Get into the inspection position," he tells me.

I pause, confused.

"The nadu," he clarifies.

I whimper (my sound of protest without saying "No").

I know it, but we've never done slave positions before. "I'm not a slave," I pout.

Yet I always thought it was such a beautiful posture of submission.

"What are you?" he asks.

"I don't know," I say, sounding suddenly afraid.

He smiles. "I know what you are," he says soothingly. "You're mine." He sounds happy about this.

I assume the nadu position, eyes still closed.

But I fidget. I am uncomfortable here. Do I put my hands palms up, or touch my middle finger to my thumb? I flex my hands.

"Stay still," he commands. "You're not doing your hands right."

A little affronted, but eyes still closed, I pout, "I'm not sure what to do. Some photos this way," I put my hands palms up, "but Jake's Kajira does this way," I touch my middle finger and thumb.

"Do what you've seen people in real life do," he encourages me, patient in this, my first time.

I touch my fingers together, zen-like, the way I've seen Jake's Kajira in her photos. I always thought that was a beautiful photo of her.

He blindfolds me.

I feel warm breath on my back. Feathery-light kisses. My skin prickles.

Soft, warm kisses up my back. Calm. Warm kisses on my neck. Relaxed.

Feathery kisses on my arms. I tremble.

I feel his soft breath across my breasts. My breathing quickens. He moves to my stomach.

I tense. Suck in my breath. Try, unsuccessfully, to suck in my stomach.

"Relax," he breathes through his kisses.

"I can't," I whisper. "I have to hold in my stomach."

The kisses leave my body. I hear his voice, soft and sure, in front of my face.

He kisses me lovingly on the lips.

"I want you," he whispers. "I want all of you." I start to tremble.

"I want your submission, your mind, your heart, all of you," he continues.

A dream come true, someone who wants all of you.

We'd just talked about how I am afraid...

Afraid my submission will be too much, more than he wants.

Afraid of my changing body,

Who am I if I'm not thin and young and sexy?

Afraid of the possible depth of my own emotional clinginess and neediness if I let that control go.

He speaks to me as through a dream.

He says the words I need to hear.

I melt.

I am his.
_____________________________________

Later...

Later, in the kitchen, he hugs me.

I feel so close.

But I pull away, self-conscious.

"I don't like my stomach," I explain, apologetic.

He pulls me toward him.

"I don't like how my stomach is the first thing that touches you now," I further explain.

He looks at me.

Smiles down at me.

And says simply:

"But you've got precious cargo in there."

He lightly touches my stomach, careful not to hurt.

"Remember," he says, "You're carrying the second most important person in the world to me in there."

He turns to get a glass of water from the sink.

I pause, struck by the thought.

Precious cargo.

He likes my growing stomach.

He doesn't mind when it hits him first when we hug. He doesn't mind that it makes sex more awkward every week.

Because I am carrying precious cargo.

How D/s Has Helped My Marriage

In today's world, I see a lot of relationships without respect.

In some marriages, the man is in charge. In some, the woman. In some, they share responsibility. But many of these relationships lack a basic essential ingredient: respect.

This is because today, we focus so much on romantic love. It is our reason to date, our reason to get married, and the lack of it is our excuse when the marriage ends in divorce. Our culture, fueled by Hollywood and popular magazines, focuses on the search for love with a crazed determination.

Love is important, but focusing on just finding romantic love causes us to forget other essential ingredients to making marriages work: respect, communication, shared values, and common goals. Of these, I believe respect is the most important.

Vanilla people look at D/s and they think our relationships must lack respect. How can you respect someone if you control him or her, they ask?

Well, I'd answer, the same way my boss respects me. Having power over someone doesn't mean you don't respect them.

This idea that control, heirarchies, and unblanced power works in the business world, in our jobs and banks and economy and churches and cities but not in our homes, is a fallacy. When roles aren't clear-cut and parties don't have defined ideas about their responsibilities, obligations, and expectations, a power vacuum--and then a respect vacuum--ensues.

Why would I respect my husband for leading me if I'm leading just as much as he is? Why would he respect me for my submission and service when he's doing exactly the same thing?

Without D/s, we'd both lose respect for each other.

But with D/s, I respect my husband more. I see him as a leader. I see him as stronger and more fearless than I did when we tried to have a popular "egalitarian" marriage. I appreciate his career and work more than I did before. It makes me respect him more. Sex has become a service I am glad to be able to offer him instead of a chore I resented.

My husband respects me, too. He sees me doing chores and housework when I don't want to, just to make his life easier because I know he is so busy at work. He takes more of the weight of providing for us on his shoulders, and I accordingly take up more of the weight of making sure things at home get done. He respects the work I do, especially because he knows I don't necessarily enjoy it. Additionally, I'm becoming a much better cook because I'm getting practice. :)

I see my husband through different, more loving, eyes when he is also my Dom. Being Dom and submissive doesn't replace our marriage relationship... I see it more as an "optional addition" to our basic marriage package.

How has D/s helped my marriage?

• I appreciate my husband's work more
  


• I am more patient when he has to be at work longer




• I am more willing to do more than my fair share of household chores




• I am prouder to wear my wedding ring each day as I put it on




• I am more attracted to him physically




• I feel calmer and more relaxed when I'm in subspace




• I suddenly think about things like, "Which perfume would he want me to wear today?"




• I make more decisions based on what he'd want, even when he's not there




• I can rely on him to make decisions




• I can rely on him to handle conflict if I don't feel up to it right then




• I can be needy without feeling like a failure as a "modern, egalitarian" wife (because I'm not one!)




• I am more considerate of his needs, such as sleep or having his shoulders rubbed




• I have the freedom to be indecisive and defer to him, if I want (= reduced conflict with my family)




• I have someone who will take the initiative and make me do things I don't want to but are good for me (example: covering my head in church)




• I am not ashamed to ask him what a Bible passage means or the definition of a word I don't know; it's okay for him to know more sometimes




• I can be more open with my insecurities and neediness than when I had to maintain an "equal" image




• I see sex as a way to connect and/or a way to serve him, not as a chore that I resent




• I respect him more, which means...




• I am more attracted to him, which means...




• I am more interested in having sex with him




• I feel prouder to introduce him to people




• I can worry less about what other people (i.e. my mother) think of me




• I have somewhere safe to go after work or a stressful day

These are just some of the improvements I have noticed in our relationship. I'm not saying you can't get some of these without D/s, but Taken in Hand, Christian Domestic Discipline, The Surrendered Wife, and even basic marriage help books like Love and Respect are based around similar principles as D/s, but with a different twist to each. In the end, these relationships have arisen as some people's answer to uber-feminism and egalitarianism, which are ruining marriages and families in many instances.

For us, this works. It may be a journey some of you may find will work as well.

Can You Be a Feminist Submissive?

At the core, a feminist is someone--whether male or female--who believes females are equal to men in value and worth and should have the right to make their own decisions. It all comes down to choice.


First off, being "equal" to men doesn't mean we're the same. It obviously doesn't mean men can bear and breastfeed children or that women's bodies are designed to hunt. Men generally have more muscle mass and are taller and heavier. Their brains work differently, and they have different hormonal patterns.


But if you believe women can be just as smart and useful and helpful as men, you're a feminist. God designed us perfectly so men and women can complement each other in their lifestyles.

If you are a female submissive, you may struggle with aligning the cultural ideals for womanhood and femininity with your definition of "feminist."


Being a feminist all comes down to choice. It means letting a woman choose what she wants to do. If she wants to be a high-powered CEO, great. If she prefers to stay home and sew and cook, great. We feminists fall all along that spectrum. You can find us cooking, shopping, working, canoeing, hunting, knitting, watching tv, or being soldiers.

The true feminist chooses what she wants for her life. Did you look at your array of options and decide that one of your identities is to be a submissive? Good for you for knowing what you want! You are still a feminist.

I sometimes struggle with being a "feminist" and submissive. The cultural idea of a feminist is someone who thinks women should be bossy and act like men. But that isn't true. I enjoy dressing up in a nice dress and getting my hair and makeup done, but I also like hanging out in my PJs and wearing jeans and a t-shirt.


I thought a lot about the great questions, What do you want to be when you grow up? My parents gave me lots of great ideas based on what they saw as my strengths and abilities. Some of the things I considered were:

• a writer, because I love to write novels and am very expressive



• a singer/actress, because I have a great voice



• a lawyer, because I'm analytical, have a heart for social justice, and am good at manipulating words



• a teacher, because I enjoy learning new things and sharing that knowledge



• a counselor, because I'm nurturing and good at reading people



• an interpreter, because I love thinking fast on my feet and using languages



• a textbook editor, because I adore grammar rules



• a housewife, because I like having lots of free time to pursue my hobbies



• a bookstore owner, because I love to read



• a restaurant owner, because I have a great menu in my head already

On the other hand, I never considered being a vet, even though I love animals, because blood makes me sick and I cry when animals are hurt or dying. I never considered being in the military, even when they asked me to, because I'm not good at taking orders that I don't agree with and I value independence over uniformity.

My mother, who is the classic feminist you think of when you hear the word, would be pretty appalled if she knew I identified as a submissive. Changing from a radical, "I'm equal to you!" feminist to a submissive feminist is something that took me some time.

First, I realized I didn't want a man who was passive like my father. My dad is great and loved us, but he was not able to protect his children from abusive situations because he valued keeping the peace too much. Also, I saw how much my mother resented him because she had to do all the work of making decisions about money, kids, vacations, planning dates, and getting things done. Even though she wanted the control, she resented the pressure it put on her year after year when my dad just handed over the reins without a complaint.

Second, I realized that I wanted to be able to respect and love a man. I dated many nice, passive boys whom I loved, but the love and passion always died because I couldn't respect them. I didn't respect them because they did not insist on respect from women or other men.

As my ideal mate for myself started to morph into a different idea than my parents had, slowly, I started realizing that I might have to make some changes in my lifestyle. I couldn't insist on having all the control and power in a relationship and still get what I wanted in a mate.

Eventually, I read the book Liberated Through Submission at the advice of a Christian friend. Although this book is about Christian principles of marriage rather than D/s, it made me see myself differently. I started to realize that maybe I should give up some control in order to get the safety and protection I wanted from a man. I also, for the first time, was forced to understand that if I were going to live my life by Biblical principles, I couldn't just ignore these few unpopular verses like many Christians today do. I would have to change my life to conform to the Bible. Also, this book introduced me to Biblical commands I'd never heard preached or talked about in today's pro-feminist society. And last, this book made me long to have the strong leader in my household that the author had in her husband.

I will add, of course, that my mother's friends saw me reading this book and were appalled. But I kept reading, because I didn't want their marriages. Sure, they are happy and in love and have great husbands, but they always have to be The Boss. They can never lose it and cry on their husbands' laps and have their husbands hold them and reassure them and take care of the problem for them. That's fine for them if that's what they want (Feminism = Choice!), but it wasn't what I wanted.

Also, it's been years since I read that book, and I still do not follow those Biblical verses perfectly. I am far from the perfect model of Biblical submission in a marriage. But I am much, much closer!

Eventually, I started dating stronger men. I went too far and dated an abusive jerk. He was not a feminist. He did not think I should have a say in my own life and desires and career. He did not respect my right to choice. After that ended, I had learned a valuable lesson: I needed a man who would respect me and my brain, even while protecting and leading me.

Finally, I met my (future) husband and ended up here: a feminist who chooses to be a submissive because she has found a good, godly Christian man who is also a feminist. Yes, my Dom believes that women have the right to choose their own paths. But for us, based on the Bible and our personalities and desires, this works.

I am a submissive. I am also highly educated and very successful in my career. I am opinionated and vocal with our families and friends. Heck, I am opinionated and vocal with him. :) Being a submissive does not keep me from being a successful, educated, well-paid woman. It doesn't keep me from fighting with my Dom about the normal married-people issues like in-laws and money. It just means this is the choice I have made. My feminist choice. My submissive choice.

To read more about how feminism and submission go together in BDSM relationships, see Nan's article, A Feminist Submissive?