Do You Need a Training Résumé?

New submissives and slaves entering the lifestyle will find in a lot of the first websites you encounter via Google search about a mystical object every sub needs called a "Training Résumé." (I waded through those same websites when I was new, by the way... I have to say, most of them are utter crap.)

What is a training résumé? It's basically a record of all the D/s training you've had. It can be a tool you hand to a prospective Dominant so he can know you better, or something you use yourself to track your personal growth as a submissive. Ideally, it would include information on all your past D/s relationships, submissive skills you know, BDSM experience, related classes or events you've attended, even your goals and limits.

If you are interested in creating a training résumé, the Submissive Guide website has a good guide on how to start, including information on formats, what to include, etc. Luna K, the owner of Submissive Guide, will walk you through the process, including:

• how to start your résumé


• documenting your training history


• BDSM checklists


• Classes and convocations you've attended


• Your BDSM-related reading list

The danger here is that if you get sucked in by the myriad of crappy BDSM websites insisting you must have this training résumé, or even a well-constructed submissive resource like Submissive Guide, you can be tricked into believing that if you want to be a real sub you have to have a perfect little training portfolio.

Some of us don't need training résumés. Hey, if you want to do one, I have no problem with it. But I don't like the focus some sites put on having one. It isn't fair to new subs to make this seem like something they need to do, that every Dominant will expect.

If you are new to submission and plan to jump around from play partner to play partner for a while, trying out the field, then a training résumé might be a good idea for you. But if you are already in a vanilla relationship and are just trying to figure out how to make it kinky, or if you are a kinkster looking for a permanent, monogamous relationship, you probably don't need one. In the first case, you are already in a committed relationship, and in the second, if you're looking for permanence you will probably end up having a few serious relationships before you find it, rather than dozens of flings.

I don't have a training résumé.

Unless my Dom decides it would be a good project for me to start, I'll never have one. Now, if he decides on his own that he would like me to keep a portfolio of my submissive training, tasks I know how to do and tasks I still need to learn, my goals for personal growth, my past relationships, and kink-related books I've read, then I'll do it. I'm pretty good at lists, portfolios, and the like, and I really enjoy scrapbooking and such.

But for myself? It's not something I need.

Why not? Because I'm in a committed marriage with my Dominant. We're married, and our religion doesn't allow for divorce. I'm basically in this one for the long haul, provided one of us doesn't die young. He's the only Dom I've ever had and the only one I'll ever be allowed to have, so a training résumé just doesn't make sense for me in my position.

Therefore, if you're a new sub, don't get stressed out by what the websites say you "need" to have or documents you "should" create. Decide if it's really something you want or need, and go from there.

Face-to-Face Time and Intimacy

Now that summer is here, I'm finally getting to catch up on the sex blogosphere and all my fellow kinky bloggers. While perusing and stalking the D/s relationships of other bloggers, I came across this quote by Oatmeal Girl over at Submission and Metaphor:

How he ordered me to touch myself for the longest time, sitting before him, while he watched - watched my face, not my pussy, watched me arouse myself for his pleasure...

My husband is currently having me focus more on intimacy. Allowing myself to feel intimacy and closeness during sex, which is difficult for me (a textbook problem for victims of childhood abuse).

This quote shows, above all, an intimacy in the relationship between this submissive and her Master. Now that I'm paying more attention to intimacy, I also notice my lack of it--and this is one area that's hard for me: face-to-face time during sex.

It's one thing if he is staring at my body, but once he wants to look into my face, I get nervous. It feels uncomfortably emotional. Too... intimate. It makes me cringe away. I close my eyes, turn my face away, try to hide my face. Sometimes I even initiate a kiss just so he will close his eyes and focus on kissing me instead of watching my face, or I will hug him and bury my face in his shoulder. These are my sneaky ways of avoiding having him look at my face.

Looking at a woman's body during sex seems normal. She could mean anything to you or nothing at all. You could be looking at her as an object. But when you watch her face, it seems... more personal.

Having my Dom look into my eyes when I am receiving pleasure or pain is hard for me, but it's a step closer to becoming comfortable with intimacy.

Maybe getting to that level is something I can aspire to in the future.

Describing Subspace

Click here to view my original post on Kinky Sex Link.

Subspace can be scary. Sometimes, as my uber-feminist mother's daughter, I am ashamed to hear myself saying some of those things aloud. Things like, "I'm yours. Fuck me. I want you to come on my chest." It scares me, and makes me wonder who I really am.

My husband just smiles when I tell him this. He thinks that who I am is a sub who just sometimes struggles with her upbringing and training and cultural identity in this gender-equal world.

I can be in different levels of subspace. Sometimes, just reading a good BDSM blog or having a quiet talk with my husband about his plans and hopes for our D/s relationship can put me in a sort of low-key subspace. I don't usually call it subspace, but I will describe myself as "relaxed," "calm," and "in a different headspace." I'm still me, but I feel calmer, like I'm floating in a warm bath. When I come down from this headspace, it's painless and there's no real subdrop, that hated bane of Tops and bottoms alike.

I can also be in mid-level subspace, which is normally where I am during a really good scene. There, I am shameless about telling my husband how submissive I feel. I will kneel at his feet and kiss his legs (of course, I'll feel embarrassed about it later). I will deviously try to get him to make me feel more submissive, asking leading questions like, "Do you like hurting me?... Why?.." But when I come down, there's definitely a subdrop. I'll feel sad and mopey and depressed. I worry a lot about the things I said and did; was I too much of a doormat? What would my mother think if she knew I'd served my husband?

Then there's the rare times I go into deep, deep head-space. It's a euphoric feeling. In this space, I will say yes or okay to anything my husband asks me (which is why I agree with BDSM teachers who say Tops should never ask a bottom to do anything mid-scene that hasn't already been discussed and agreed upon). I am pretty incoherent, floating happily in my head, and it annoys me when my husband expects me to give verbal answers any more complicated than "Yes" or "Uh-huh." I can't say no, so he (correctly) interprets silence as a no; if he says, "Are you okay?" and I don't nod or say "Yes," it means no. I am happy to do whatever he wants, so long as I can keep this divine feeling. And of course, afterward, I feel needy. He needs to hold me and get me water. But the subdrop isn't as bad as it is from my more mid-levels, because my body instinctively understands it can't sustain that intense feeling--I wouldn't be able to function, so eventually I am happy to come drifting down into my Dom's arms and let him hold me, just so long as he doesn't expect me to talk.

What am I like when I'm in subspace?

1. Calm. Normally, I'm a worrier. Anxious... uptight... worried... panicky... all those words would accurately describe me. In subspace, I relax. My mind gets quiet. The worries go away.

2. Quiet. In my normal headspace (some bloggers call this a sub's Top-space), I'm pretty talkative and very opinionated. I can be mouthy and bratty to my Dom, even. Once I enter subspace, that quality dissipates and then fades. I stop talking. I am too busy focusing on how I finally feel relaxed and calm. I will generally only answer my husband's direct questions, and the farther into subspace I go, the shorter and less complicated my answers get. (*As a side note, not all bottoms get quiet... some report getting more verbose!)

3. Dreamy. I feel hazy, foggy, and calm. My Dom says that my eyes sort of glaze over and get hazy, letting him know when I start to feel subby.

4. Actively Submissive. It may sound like an oxymoron to be "actively submissive," but I just mean that I get braver and more aggressive in submitting to my Dom. Instead of waiting for him to give me a command, I will just hop into the shower with him and start soaping him up. I'll offer to iron his shirt or fix him dinner instead of waiting for him to ask. I take a much more active role in submitting, rather than waiting for him to request or order something.

For more good resources on subspace, check out these articles:

My earlier post on describing subspace.

Clarisse Thorn's post on Going Under.

LittleMousling's article on Stage Three: Going Under.

Mistress Steele's Nine Levels of Subspace.

When Anxiety Hits

The last few days, I have been struggling with anxiety again.

I've been off medicine for about 6 months, right before we got pregnant. It was hard at first, but eventually that terrible first trimester ended and life became sane and happy again. Since then, I've been doing fine.

This week, I can tell I'm having a resurgence of anxiety issues. I can tell this because my "coping mechanisms" are popping back up again. Things like feeling fatigued all the time, feeling tired for no reason, wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed and nap when I'm sad, obsessively chewing my nails or gnawing my fingers, getting overwhelmed quickly during arguments and lapsing into the silent treatment, and having the desire to shut myself into rooms or closets.

I'm not sure exactly what's causing it, but it could be many things: pregnancy, moving, living with my Dom again after 6 weeks apart, being off the anti-anxiety medicine.

I try to stick with my less-unhealthy coping mechanisms, for example chewing my nails is far preferable to shutting myself into a closet. But it's still hard, and once I get into a funk I can stay there for days.

My Dom is trying to help me come up with healthy ways to manage my anxiety. He suggested exercise, but I hate exercise at the best of times, and there is just no way I am going to have the energy to exert myself when I am 5 months pregnant and my stomach skin is already painfully stretched out just from walking around. I'm also trying to drink plenty of water. I wonder if having regular sex would be good; it's not something we normally do but it might be a way for me to get exercise and stress relief without having to actually get out and run in the heat.

My Dom has also figured out that just getting me out of the house can help. So does eye contact with him--I find it grounding-- and having a list of things to get done that I can cross off and feel productive about. I whine and try desperately to stay in bed, but he looks into my eyes and tells me our plan, and eventually I get happier once we're out and doing things. I like having a purpose, even if it's just small things. For example, yesterday we went to lunch and then to run errands. Lunch was pretty miserable; I was grouchy and picking fights, but by the time we'd run 2-3 errands I was feeling better, so we ran a few more and then went and got a Tropical Sno and that cheered me up considerably. :)

Tropical Sno can really solve all ills. There's something about that brightly-colored sugar that just cheers me immeasurably.

I've never met a family member or boyfriend who knew me well enough or had sufficient control over my emotions to drag me out of an anxious, unhappy funk. It's just one more reason I think D/s control is helping our relationship. My Dom doesn't use it to get off or have an unpaid servant; he uses it to take care of me and keep me healthier. Because he has sway over my emotions, he can help me when they get out of hand. And for him, he enjoys the control and having a wife who is calmer and happier. It works well for both of us.

Shower Head

By shower head, no, I do not mean this wonderful invention that provides us all with hot water and showers:

No, I mean giving head in the shower.

Giving head is my new favorite submissive activity!

A lot of subs seemed to enjoy giving head. I never really understood that. I thought giving a blow job was gross at best. I never really enjoyed it in the past, and usually only did so out of guilt or obligation. The few times I did it willingly, it was always to make someone else happy (not because I liked it) and it was always for about 30 seconds max.

So no, head was not my favorite activity ever.

With my husband, who is also my first and only Dom, giving him head was not something I tried until after we were married and had already been involved with BDSM for over a year. (You can read about my first oral sex experience with my Dom here.) And because he let me wait til I was ready, oral sex with him was not ever about feeling guilty or obligated. Sometimes, it was because I felt submissive. Others, it was because he used it to make me feel small (we had one really hot scene where I role-played a 12-year-old giving fellatio for the first time).

More and more, I've been finding that I enjoy giving him head because it is an expression of how I feel when I already feel submissive. Forcing me onto my knees doesn't make me feel submissive, it just makes me feel pissed off, but when he's already brought me into a subby headspace--either through his words or his actions--I often feel the desire to put him into my mouth and serve him.

Why?

Because it's serving him.

Women and men may give head for a multitude of reasons, but for me it is most powerful as a symbol of submission and service.

My husband can enter my vagina without me being emotionally engaged. You don't have to kiss or make eye contact to have sex. But you definitely have to be engaged to take a man's cock and willingly accept it into your mouth. It's the ultimate symbol of service.

I remember I once read a book, if I recall correctly it was Angels and Demons, where the bad guy, a Muslim Middle Easterner hired as an assassin, planned to force the heroine to give him oral sex. He decided that, at the moment of his climax, he would slit her throat. He termed this the ultimate submission.

Even back then, I was pretty taken by those words. There is just something about having someone on her knees, mouth open and vulnerable, taking your cock into her mouth and servicing it that is so... humble. And hot. Of course, it doesn't have to be. As with every other aspect of sex, society and pornography have found ways to distort and desecrate fellatio, twisting it into other things--like the fictional example above. But it can be a simple and beautiful symbol of submission. You love this man. You want to please him. You kneel before him, and you take the most masculine part of his body, and you serve it with your mouth as you look into his eyes. There's something profound and powerful about that.

I had to work up to looking into my Dom's eyes. Sometimes I still get embarrassed and look away. But I've noticed that when I already feel submissive, and I'm doing it because I want to please him and express how submissive I already feel, my mouth doesn't get tired as easily. I don't get bored. I don't get distracted as much by the smell or the ache in my jaw. It's a much better experience, for me as well as for him.

So I guess I should quit teasing and get to the good stuff, huh? :)

My Dom had already tortured my nipples and made me cry out that I was owned. It was especially effective because this time, he seemed to be really enjoying making me cry out in pain. He wasn't just doing it for me.

After our scene, he maintained our emotional connection and his control, even when we were moving our things with our friends. He grabbed me and bit me quickly on the neck. He held me possessively by the back and shoulders, leading me with his hands where he wanted me to go, as we walked to the truck. He told me how much he loved hurting me and making me cry out (hot!). He handed me money and asked me to go get him food and a beer (against my normal nature, I obeyed). Later, we made love on the couch as we talked and looked into each other's eyes. He slowed down when I asked him to and hit my cervix so wonderfully he made me cry out in pleasure repeatedly. Then we went for a quick shower to clean off before a BBQ at a friend's.

All this being dominated really got to me. I loved it. I craved it. I felt happy, calm, and completely owned. (I rarely am able to feel this way). Suddenly, I really wanted to show him how great he had made me feel.

I knelt down before him and looked up at him. Normally I don't like kneeling, but at that moment all I wanted was to kneel at this man's feet and serve his cock with me mouth. We made eye contact. I leaned forward, grasped his dick, and took his hard cock into my mouth. His skin was soft and smooth, but his cock was hard and firm. The warm shower water poured over me. He felt clean and smelled great.

I worked him with my mouth. He told me to tongue him. Not understanding, I licked the underside of his shaft.

"No," he told me roughly. "Tongue the underside of my head."

I immediately obeyed. He relaxed with a sigh that was part moan, making me feel even sexier and more confident.

For once, I loved giving him head. I wanted to serve him. It was intimate and sexy. It was a way to give back to him. It was a way to show him how great and submissive he had made me feel. I sucked diligently on him, reveling in the way my newly pregnant body looked to him as I gazed up at him from my knees, hot water cascading down my shoulders and over my breasts.

I wanted to do more. I grabbed the soap and soaped his balls. I love the way his skin feels when it is wet and soapy in the shower. I massaged his balls, thighs, and lower abdomen.

I wanted to serve him more. I soaped up my hands and washed his legs, stomach, arms, and then feet, still bobbing up and down on his cock. I paid special attention to his feet, which suddenly seemed an especially submissive place to clean him, and since we were in the shower I didn't get my usual ick-factor with feet (or penises). It was hard because I could not look down, but I did it. I knew if I didn't get him 100% clean he would not be upset.

When I was out of places to wash him, I still wasn't done showing him how submissive I felt. I wasn't sure what else to do. So I took a deep breath, relaxed my throat, told myself that he loved me, and slowly leaned forward until my lips touched the skin of his balls. He gasped. I gagged a bit, backed up, and said with a huge grin, "I didn't do it all the way, but it worked!" He told me I was doing a great job and encouraged me to keep going.

Now, I have never been able to deepthroat. Still can't, actually. Long-standing abuse issues make my gag reflex too sensitive, either having a dick near the back of my mouth or tasting cum or pre-cum. It's a real bummer during oral sex. But if my Dom wants me to get over these issues, some day I hope I can for him. Perhaps it's something we could work on in training.

Well anyway, this day, I got close. I leaned in, hot water still pouring around me and making everything clean and fresh, and I wished I could relax more and take him deep into my throat. I wished I could close my adoring lips around his balls and kiss them to show him how much he meant to me. (Sadly, as far as I know it is impossible to kiss someone's balls when your lips are already forced open around his shaft.)

Jake'skajira says she and her Master are working on a 30-day challenge where she will kneel before him, open and exposed and vulnerable, every night. She says it makes him aroused when he sees her exposed to him that way. I asked her about it, and she told me that sometimes, he will get so aroused that he comes to her and fucks her mouth. For the first time in my life, I could understand how a submissive could long to service her Master in this way. How a woman could long, from deep within her pussy, to open her mouth and receive him and feel his cum slide down her throat and kiss his balls and let him fuck her willing, open mouth because, deep within her owned soul, she longs to show him the kind of service he makes her willing to give.

Sexy Showers and D/s questions

My Dom and I are trying, still again, to find the right balance to our D/s dynamic.

It can be really hard. D/s is just like any other aspect of our lives: our marriage, our sex life, our D/s dynamic, our finances. It takes a while of jiggling things around and talking and fighting and complaining and communicating and changing things until we find a vibe that fits right for both of us. I feel like, by now, we've gotten the marriage part figured out. We had trouble adjusting at the beginning but now we've settled into a groove that works for both of us. But the sex and D/s part? Those are more difficult.

They are definitely improving, don't get me wrong. But sometimes we see things differently. We are trying to create our own brand of D/s that is as full-time or part-time, as intense or laid back, as we want it. We are also trying to maintain D/s that fits us as Christians. While we've explored CDD and Taken in Hand, and those are very similar to what we want, I think what we're leaning toward lately is a bit closer to traditional D/s, only with a Christian dynamic.

It doesn't help when we argue about it or fight over whose fault it is that we don't have a perfect romance book-style D/s relationship. This is usually my fault, but the other night he told me he didn't think I was capable of D/s because I'm too emotionally inconsistent and getting a taste of my own medicine really hurt my feelings. Why bother to work at building a kind of relationship your partner doesn't even think you're capable of? Yet, as with so many things in a marriage, it is easy to turn to blaming others when things don't go right instead of communicating.

While I tend to complain and blame more, it's also hard because he doesn't communicate as well or as readily as I do. He doesn't feel the need for constant talking about our D/s relationship to maintain it that way I do. He is a man of actions, while I am a woman of words. Of course I want actions too, such as him following through with what he says he'll do, but I prefer to have the words first. If I'm not clearly given a command or specifically told what to do or not do, and then he punishes me for not doing it, I feel it is unfair since the expectations were not clearly, VERBALLY, stated.

My Dom sees a D/s relationship as one where the sub submits readily; I see it as one where I am forced to submit. Both these are valid kinds of submission; for instance, CDD is more similar to what my husband wants, and Taken in Hand is more similar to what I want, and I've seen BDSM-style D/s relationships that work both ways, although I think they are more often what my Dom prefers.

My Dom thinks scenes and domination should just happen organically and not seem too forced; I want to be in fairly constantly communication about our D/s and work at it all the time to make sure we sustain the lifestyle 100% of the time and not just when it "happens."

My Dom thinks a scene can be a success even if I don't like it. I used to think he was wrong, but now I can see his point. For instance, last weekend he tortured my nipples and spanked me for fighting him. I never got past my "mad-pissed-off-sub" headspace into my "calm, happy sub" headspace, because the pain escalated too fast and was never an enjoyable pain for me. I was just in a mood, I guess. I didn't think it was fair that he spanked me for fighting pain, when it is such a natural reaction! I also didn't think it was fair that he spanked me for fighting him, when the reason I was fighting was because he was accidentally pressing into my pregnant stomach and causing pain, but I couldn't tell him that due to the gag.

So at the end of the scene, I was pissed instead of calm, drowsy, and submissive. I thought the scene was a failure, but I was wrong. Although I didn't like the way he did it at the time, he still dominated me, and I still felt dominated, even if I was pissy about it. Later that night, I dressed up for him and wore more makeup than I had in a long, long time. I was more worried about what he wanted me to wear than before. I asked him what perfume I should wear and which eyeshadow color he'd prefer me in. At dinner with our friends, I got up and got him a plate of food without being asked. The next day, I acquiesced to sex even when I wasn't really interested, and afterward, I gave him head while kneeling before him in the shower and soaping his body with my hands. Instead of seeing fellatio as a chore, I actually enjoyed these actions, and was able to relax and let him slide farther down my throat than I had before. At the end of the shower, I even got him a towel and brought his clothes into the bathroom for him.

These actions are NOT things I'd do in my normal headspace. I'm not a naturally submissive person. In fact, my feminist mother would be ashamed I did those things at all. But I noticed that I was doing them. I wanted to please. I wanted him to be happy. And I wanted to serve him.

Obviously, I was wrong about the bad scene = bad domination. Just because I didn't like the scene at the time, I assumed it was not a success. Boy, was I wrong! We had the hottest time ever in the shower. The pain he caused me and the control he wielded had an effect on my psyche, even when I did not enjoy the pain, and it caused me to feel more submissive for the next day.

We are also trying to figure out questions like: What do we do on days when I don't feel as submissive? When he doesn't feel as dominant? How do we keep D/s alive all the time and not just in the bedroom? How can he make me feel submissive without causing me physical pain? How do I maintain that great "subby" feeling without getting sad and mopey 24 hours later? How do we maintain D/s in a non-sexual way? I'm in favor of more rules, but my Dom is more laid back and doesn't like to make and enforce a lot of rules like some Doms do. These are questions we are trying to find the answers to.

As always, you can expect I'll be blogging about the journey to find the answers. :)

Whose Responsibility Is She?

Someone on FetLife posted a really great question. I honestly want to mull this one over for a bit. It's such a good question I thought I'd share:

When an adult sub acts bratty, rude, or misbehaves, whose responsibility is it?

Is it hers, because she is an adult and responsible for her own actions?

Or is it his, because he is her Top and he has taken on responsibility for her actions and decisions?

Thoughts?