5/15/2011

Shower Head

By shower head, no, I do not mean this wonderful invention that provides us all with hot water and showers:

No, I mean giving head in the shower.

Giving head is my new favorite submissive activity!

A lot of subs seemed to enjoy giving head. I never really understood that. I thought giving a blow job was gross at best. I never really enjoyed it in the past, and usually only did so out of guilt or obligation. The few times I did it willingly, it was always to make someone else happy (not because I liked it) and it was always for about 30 seconds max.

So no, head was not my favorite activity ever.

With my husband, who is also my first and only Dom, giving him head was not something I tried until after we were married and had already been involved with BDSM for over a year. (You can read about my first oral sex experience with my Dom here.) And because he let me wait til I was ready, oral sex with him was not ever about feeling guilty or obligated. Sometimes, it was because I felt submissive. Others, it was because he used it to make me feel small (we had one really hot scene where I role-played a 12-year-old giving fellatio for the first time).

More and more, I've been finding that I enjoy giving him head because it is an expression of how I feel when I already feel submissive. Forcing me onto my knees doesn't make me feel submissive, it just makes me feel pissed off, but when he's already brought me into a subby headspace--either through his words or his actions--I often feel the desire to put him into my mouth and serve him.

Why?

Because it's serving him.

Women and men may give head for a multitude of reasons, but for me it is most powerful as a symbol of submission and service.

My husband can enter my vagina without me being emotionally engaged. You don't have to kiss or make eye contact to have sex. But you definitely have to be engaged to take a man's cock and willingly accept it into your mouth. It's the ultimate symbol of service.

I remember I once read a book, if I recall correctly it was Angels and Demons, where the bad guy, a Muslim Middle Easterner hired as an assassin, planned to force the heroine to give him oral sex. He decided that, at the moment of his climax, he would slit her throat. He termed this the ultimate submission.

Even back then, I was pretty taken by those words. There is just something about having someone on her knees, mouth open and vulnerable, taking your cock into her mouth and servicing it that is so... humble. And hot. Of course, it doesn't have to be. As with every other aspect of sex, society and pornography have found ways to distort and desecrate fellatio, twisting it into other things--like the fictional example above. But it can be a simple and beautiful symbol of submission. You love this man. You want to please him. You kneel before him, and you take the most masculine part of his body, and you serve it with your mouth as you look into his eyes. There's something profound and powerful about that.

I had to work up to looking into my Dom's eyes. Sometimes I still get embarrassed and look away. But I've noticed that when I already feel submissive, and I'm doing it because I want to please him and express how submissive I already feel, my mouth doesn't get tired as easily. I don't get bored. I don't get distracted as much by the smell or the ache in my jaw. It's a much better experience, for me as well as for him.

So I guess I should quit teasing and get to the good stuff, huh? :)

My Dom had already tortured my nipples and made me cry out that I was owned. It was especially effective because this time, he seemed to be really enjoying making me cry out in pain. He wasn't just doing it for me.

After our scene, he maintained our emotional connection and his control, even when we were moving our things with our friends. He grabbed me and bit me quickly on the neck. He held me possessively by the back and shoulders, leading me with his hands where he wanted me to go, as we walked to the truck. He told me how much he loved hurting me and making me cry out (hot!). He handed me money and asked me to go get him food and a beer (against my normal nature, I obeyed). Later, we made love on the couch as we talked and looked into each other's eyes. He slowed down when I asked him to and hit my cervix so wonderfully he made me cry out in pleasure repeatedly. Then we went for a quick shower to clean off before a BBQ at a friend's.

All this being dominated really got to me. I loved it. I craved it. I felt happy, calm, and completely owned. (I rarely am able to feel this way). Suddenly, I really wanted to show him how great he had made me feel.

I knelt down before him and looked up at him. Normally I don't like kneeling, but at that moment all I wanted was to kneel at this man's feet and serve his cock with me mouth. We made eye contact. I leaned forward, grasped his dick, and took his hard cock into my mouth. His skin was soft and smooth, but his cock was hard and firm. The warm shower water poured over me. He felt clean and smelled great.

I worked him with my mouth. He told me to tongue him. Not understanding, I licked the underside of his shaft.

"No," he told me roughly. "Tongue the underside of my head."

I immediately obeyed. He relaxed with a sigh that was part moan, making me feel even sexier and more confident.

For once, I loved giving him head. I wanted to serve him. It was intimate and sexy. It was a way to give back to him. It was a way to show him how great and submissive he had made me feel. I sucked diligently on him, reveling in the way my newly pregnant body looked to him as I gazed up at him from my knees, hot water cascading down my shoulders and over my breasts.

I wanted to do more. I grabbed the soap and soaped his balls. I love the way his skin feels when it is wet and soapy in the shower. I massaged his balls, thighs, and lower abdomen.

I wanted to serve him more. I soaped up my hands and washed his legs, stomach, arms, and then feet, still bobbing up and down on his cock. I paid special attention to his feet, which suddenly seemed an especially submissive place to clean him, and since we were in the shower I didn't get my usual ick-factor with feet (or penises). It was hard because I could not look down, but I did it. I knew if I didn't get him 100% clean he would not be upset.

When I was out of places to wash him, I still wasn't done showing him how submissive I felt. I wasn't sure what else to do. So I took a deep breath, relaxed my throat, told myself that he loved me, and slowly leaned forward until my lips touched the skin of his balls. He gasped. I gagged a bit, backed up, and said with a huge grin, "I didn't do it all the way, but it worked!" He told me I was doing a great job and encouraged me to keep going.

Now, I have never been able to deepthroat. Still can't, actually. Long-standing abuse issues make my gag reflex too sensitive, either having a dick near the back of my mouth or tasting cum or pre-cum. It's a real bummer during oral sex. But if my Dom wants me to get over these issues, some day I hope I can for him. Perhaps it's something we could work on in training.

Well anyway, this day, I got close. I leaned in, hot water still pouring around me and making everything clean and fresh, and I wished I could relax more and take him deep into my throat. I wished I could close my adoring lips around his balls and kiss them to show him how much he meant to me. (Sadly, as far as I know it is impossible to kiss someone's balls when your lips are already forced open around his shaft.)

Jake'skajira says she and her Master are working on a 30-day challenge where she will kneel before him, open and exposed and vulnerable, every night. She says it makes him aroused when he sees her exposed to him that way. I asked her about it, and she told me that sometimes, he will get so aroused that he comes to her and fucks her mouth. For the first time in my life, I could understand how a submissive could long to service her Master in this way. How a woman could long, from deep within her pussy, to open her mouth and receive him and feel his cum slide down her throat and kiss his balls and let him fuck her willing, open mouth because, deep within her owned soul, she longs to show him the kind of service he makes her willing to give.

3 comments:

Mistress L said...

Great points you made here. Interesting to hear it from a sub's point of view =)

Lea said...

I feel like most of this post came straight out of my own head.

I really enjoy giving head. It is such a wonderful thing to be able to serve in that way. To know you're doing something pleasing, something just for him.

I also have issues looking him in the eyes, but I'm getting better at it.

My gag reflex also needs work. I can't deepthroat, and every time I taste or feel ejaculate or pre-ejaculate in my mouth, I have to stop myself from vomiting. The last few times I was good, but yesterday I couldn't help myself and I threw up. It didn't help that I was blindfolded and had no idea where to go or what to do.

I really want to get past that. I feel like I ruin everything with that reaction after performing a great service; its like it negates the whole act prior.

Sexperts said...

Thanks for your comments.

Lea, I don't think it in any way negates what you are doing. Having a gag reflex doesn't mean your man won't appreciate everything you're doing! Sex is a journey, not something we have to be perfect at like Hollywood and Cosmo would like us to believe!