Punishment without Pain

When it comes to punishment, my Dom always seems to fall back on the obvious: causing pain!

Spanking, slapping, spanking, paddling, spanking, whipping, spanking...

I don't like pain. It annoys me. Once I burst out into hysterical and completely unstoppable laughter from his swats.

Aside from the many, many psychology and educational psych reports that spanking and other physical punishment are bad for children, teach them to fear and not to respect, teach them that power can be gained through violence rather than earned, teach them to solve disputes through violence, teach violence over rational, fair problem-solving skills, and moreover do not deter bad behavior, a lot of BDSM sites are really into spanking.

If it's because that turns them on, rather than they think it's actually a good way to teach people lessons, more power to them. A lot of people are incredibly turned on by being spanked or spanking. Recently, a couple I know who have kinky leanings (rough sex, biting, etc.) but would never call themselves into "BDSM", relayed this conversation to me:

"I asked him if he wanted to spank me with his belt. He spanked me, and at the
end, he thought about it and said, 'That turned me on a lot more than I thought
it would.'"

There is absolutely nothing wrong with spanking if it turns people on. Spanking and punishment (real and simulated) can be very sexy, trust me! But what about when a Dom or Master or Mistress or Daddy wants to actually teach a lesson, perhaps a long-term lesson that will takes weeks or months, and cannot just be solved by one spanking?

Here are some ideas for punishing without using violence:

• lectures (make them meaninful, learning experiences, not just scoldings)


• withdrawl of priveleges (may seem too infantile to some subs)


• cage or corner time (also a bit infantile... some people are into that)


• carefully explaining the desired behavior, why it is desired, and why it is best for the sub and the couple


• modeling better behavior yourself


• not being allowed to initiate any physical contact for a set amount of time


• saying simply that you are disappointed and offering a better solution for next time


• bondage for a set amount of time


• writing a letter explaining what was done wrong and how this will be corrected in the future


• cold showers


• no dessert


• cleaning chored, with a only a toothbrush if you're feeling really evil >:-)


• deciding upon a punishment together, with the input of the sub


• back up and re-do the situation immediately, this time with the correct ending


• lose furniture priveleges


• lose collar


• write sentences

A lot of Doms and Dommes will say to ignore the slave, but I have to warn you that giving "the silent treatment" is a form of emotional abuse and is not a healthy thing to start doing in your relationship. Also, if you have a sub or pet who was abused in the past, even slight emotional abuse may set them off.

Other suggestions I read included sensory deprivation, but this should only be used for a SHORT time since people can hallucinate and experience dementia after very short bouts of sensory deprivation.

Honestly, it's more important to have a healthy, stable slave than to punish him or her. I wouldn't ever recommend using sensory deprivation or the silent treatment and risk your slave's emotional health.

Also, talk this over with your sub. Some subs (like me) hate to be treated like children. I am a submissive, not a child! So I don't want to be punished like a kid, with spankings, writing lines, or being "grounded." My Dom is not my mother and I prefer to be treated like an adult. Therefore, I'd always prefer punishments that we agree on together--either beforehand or after the fact--or that focus primarily on adult, problem-solving discussions where he tells me what he didn't like, why he didn't like it, and how he would like the problem to be fixed in the future.

On the other hand, I know there are many subs and slaves who adore being treated younger and giving up that power! For those people, spankings, writing lines, or corner time may be a great idea and may turn both partners on. In the end, it's whatever works for the two of you.