Christians Can't Have Kinky Sex?

Okay, I live in the Bible belt. But I'm still sometimes shocked and a little alarmed by the ignorance of my fellow Christians about their sexuality.

If it's not totally clear by reading my blog, I'm a Christian who engages in kinky, BDSM-style sex with my husband. I believe some BDSM activities can be a sin, but I think most of them are okay within a monogamous marriage. I was raised a Catholic in the Bible belt, so I learned just because a few evangelicals say something doesn't mean the Bible does. I was also lucky enough to be in a home that encouraged open and honest discussions of our sexuality, promoted healthy and mutually satisfying sexual relationships within marriage, and was very open to any aspect of my sexuality that I wanted to explore once I was married to a good Christian man. My parents encouraged me to wait for sex til marriage, but they made it clear they'd rather me be honest and practice safe sex if I decided not to wait.

So sometimes, I'm just a bit flabbergasted by my Christian friends and acquaintances.

Case in point:

I was at play practice with one of my friends. Our theatre has hired three ballerinas from a local ballet company, and one of them was practicing her routine. Her flexibility, grace, and musicality were beautiful and astounding. She was so graceful and light on her feet! I was awed by the beauty of her dancing, her flexibility, and her control.

She executed a move where she pulled her leg straight up over her head while lying on her back, very similar to this one: but lying down. I whispered to my friend, "Wow... she is just so... amazing!" After a moment's pause, I added, "And her husband is so lucky!"

My 20-year-old Christian friend looked at me in shock and said, "Yes, but they're Christian, so I don't think they do anything kinky like that."

I had to sit and process this for a moment, just in case I'd heard wrong. I mean, it's "kinky" to have sex with your leg above your head?!? I wouldn't call that kinky or even a really experimental position. It's just a standard deviation from the missionary position for people with a little extra flexibility or who want some deeper penetration.

So what I got from this statement, is that the anti-Christian media and sex educators aren't actually lying about how grossly misrepresented sex is among Christians. I didn't know there were young people in our country who actually thought it might be a sin to have sex with your husband with your leg up over your head, much less bondage or spanking or (gasp) Master/slave relationships. But here she was, sincere and confused and honestly asking me a question. I didn't have the heart to laugh at her, so I endeavored to answer her honestly and seriously.

I told her, as an older Christian she trusts, that I thought the Bible didn't have anything against kinky sex once you were married. I said as long as the kinky things you do are consenual, they're fine, although of course one partner should not force another into kinkiness. She wanted to know if the Bible said anything against oral sex in marriage (it doesn't) and what I thought about birth control.

Finally, I said tentatively, "You know, I've seen some websites where... Christian couples have kinky sex, even... using handcuffs or maybe spanking each other."

She looked pretty shocked, but she listened.

Once my Dom picked me up from practice, I was deep in thought about this conversation. She is a genuine Christian, a sweet girl, and a very smart woman. But because (I assume) no one in her family or church has ever talked to her about sex, she really had no idea what was and was not okay for married Christians. My view is that God created sex and He wants married partners to have an awesome sex life. This is echoed in Christian books such as The Act of Marriage, And the Bride Wore White, Sex and the Soul of a Woman, and Who Moved the Goal Post?

God doesn't put restrictions on sex because He hates sex or thinks it is dirty or wrong, no matter what some churches seem to think. The restrictions on sex (don't have sex with animals/children, don't commit adultery, don't have gay sex, don't lust after your brothers and sisters in Christ, don't engage in sexual activity before marriage) are there to protect us, just like a parent who warns their child not to play in the street is not doing so out of a malicious intent to deny their child the fun of playing in the street. In all of the cases where the Bible forbids a certain type of sex, God is trying to protect the individuals involved from STDs, heartache, sexual abuse, and dysfunctional sexuality, or He is trying to protect other people from becoming victims (children, animals, or the spouse being cheated on). Rules about sex are there to protect and elevate our sexuality above animalistic screwing to sacred bonding.

Sure, there are lots of (non-Christian) websites either criticizing or making fun of kinky or D/s Christian sites. "Who would Jesus spank?" or "Wear nipple clamps for Jesus!" are apparently really funny slogans to these people. They love to make fun of Christians for being anti-sex, misogynistic, sexist, patriarchal, and boring in their sex lives, but that's because they don't understand the sacredness within a solid Christ-based marriage.

Until our churches start allowing sex education, at least discussing with teenagers what a great, fulfilling sex life can be within marriage, children are going to keep misunderstanding Christianity's message about sex. If we ignore the issue, kids get the idea that sex is secretive, dirty, and shameful. No wonder non-Christians think we're so backwards about sex.

So yes, Virginia, Christians can have flexible, leg-bending sex. They can even use paddles or vibrators or nipple clamps. Sex doesn't have to be boring and it doesn't have to be in the missionary position. And no, my husband and I don't make love between a thick blanket with a hole cut out of it and a stopwatch.