I'm a submissive sexually. I try not to use terms like "I have a submissive nature" or "I'm a true submissive," because frankly I know several darn good subs who do NOT have a submissive nature at all! But I am definitely a sub in the bedroom. This doesn't mean I don't want my own needs met or that I just fall on the floor and serve him, but rather that I have a deep need to be dominated, hurt, controlled, and humiliated in order to enjoy sex.
I've always been a sub sexually. Even before I knew what a sub was, I had fantasies about being raped by strong men--and liking it. I loved it when a guy would push me against the wall while kissing me or press his weight down on me while making out. It totally got me hot when my boyfriends would hold my wrists over my head while we were kissing.
Looking back, I've had these inclinations since I was 15.... or, more accurately, since my sex drive came into play! I wasn't having sex with my boyfriends (I was raised Christian) in high school, but I was encouraged by my parents to explore kissing and making out and not feel ashamed of my sexuality. I was lucky to have Christian parents who encouraged me to keep sex special inside a marriage, but were open and positive about my sexuality as a teen.
Luckily for me, my Dom and I started playing around with this. Some slaps in the bedroom, a little name calling, etc. Usually I would request it and he would happily oblige. We'd talk about it later, and gradually as we talked we realized our fantasies went deeper than just a few slaps and calling me a bitch now and then. I started doing the research and realized there was a name for what we did, and it was called BDSM. I further realized there were a lot of really hot and nasty things we could add to our repertoire!
But I digress. My point was, I've always been submissive sexually. But that has pretty much been limited to the bedroom.
I'm not a submissive in my vanilla life. Just ask my Dom! I am a proud, educated, independent woman. In my job I take a leadership role and expect to be obeyed. In my life, I am a control freak and very anxious about everything. It is difficult for me to stand back and let my Dom lead me like the Bible commands in Ephesians 5:25.
But lately, I've realized I need that leadership and guidance. I need to feel dominated in a safe, loving, secure way. I need to feel small and helpless, like a little girl or a dirty whore or an evil slut, but in all cases helpless under the control and leadership of a strong, virile man.
In other words, BDSM makes me happy.
My Dom and I have noticed that I tend to try to lead in our vanilla life, but the result is a stressed, anxious, worried, antsy, unhappy sub. I resent him for letting me lead and being passive, I resent the world for being so darn difficult to handle, and I hurt inside from all the negative emotions I feel. Can I lead? Sure. Do I want to lead in my inner, inner, inner heart? Nope.
Let's consider the Biblical passage of Ephesians 5:23-24. Christian or not, literal or not, I believe the Bible contains some basic wisdom for everyone. Here is the verse:
For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church...
Now as the church submits to Chris, so also wives should submit to their
husbands in everything.
Luckily for me, my Dom takes this verse very seriously. He does not insist on being right, on having his way, or on being served. He takes it quite literally. If he is the symbol of Christ and I am the symbol of the church, to him that means he leads me, he serves me, he gives up everything for me.... just like Christ did the church. So many men will see this verse and say, "Ah-ha! She must obey me!" and while this has merit, my Dom believes Christ never forced anyone to follow him. Jesus won people over with love and servanthood, and so my Dom leads me by example and by prayerful leadership.
This makes it easier to slowly give up control and trust him in life.
No, I'm not perfect at it, and neither is he, but slowly I'm learning to let him lead me and give up the control. BDSM is helping!
BDSM is, for me, a way to re-center our relationship. As we go about our vanilla lives, working, playing, gardening, driving, shopping, cooking, playing with our cats, it's easy to forget who is the leader and who is the follower. Eventually, I start taking over or he starts backing off. Our life gets out of wack and off-center, so to speak.
BDSM puts it back in line. It is difficult for me to feel anything but submissive when he is above me, spanking me til I scream, slapping me in the face, making me come and forcing me to beg while I do, or calling me his dirty little whore and owning me completely. Afterward, I will smile and curl up happily on his shoulder. I am weak, exhausted, dominated, and happy. He feels strong and empowered. We go back to our lives, but something has changed. We are back on center. We are back on track. We've stepped into our rightful roles again. Ephesians 5 can be lived out in our household.
Does everyone need to experience BDSM in order to live out Ephesians 5? Absolutely not! Would some Christians be horrified that he beats and berates me into submission? You bet. But the point is, I crave it. I need it, I love it, and I want it. Moreover, he wants to give it to me. He sees the change it brings to me. He sees how afterward, I curl up on him like a little girl and fall into a deep, happy sleep. He sees how the worries and cares of the world are lifted off me and how I grow into a happier, less anxious woman because of it. Suddenly, the responsibility is lifted off my shoulders, and I am free to be the woman God created me to be! It is a wonderful, freeing feeling.
2 comments:
Thank you, thank you, thank you! You have expressed feelings that I have been unable to voice. As a single parent for many years, being in control was necessary. I discovered BDSM when I was single, submission and home life were always separate. I am married now (2 years) and find that the separation I enjoyed no longer works. The balance I found before via my two separate worlds is not to be found now. Without learning to submit to my husband out of the bedroom it becomes almost impossible to submit in the bedroom. Now my balance comes from learning to submit to or at least give him the room to lead me. It's been very difficult to give up the control of my single years, but I'm getting there!
@Anon, I am so very glad you feel this way, too! Sometimes even my Dom does not understand ("If you want to submit then why do I have to make you?") and it is difficult for me to express this to him or to anyone. I'm glad someone else understands!
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