When you are the Dom, top, Mistress, Mommy, or Trainer in a relationship, you are in charge of your sub's safety and wellbeing. It is your happy job to push them to and past their limits, but just far enough that at the end, they collapse in relief and thank you later. When my Dom does this, we both note how he'll have a happy sub for days! I walk around dreamily, wanting to be close to him, complimenting his hard work in our scene, and generally feeling at peace with my world.
It's one of the only times I feel that peace.
But how do you tell when your sub is pushing his limits in a good way and when he is reaching his limits in a bad way?
Of course, the safeword is essential. But you can't always rely on it. Sometimes as a sub, I get too emotional, too wrapped up in my own head, too incoherent, too embarrassed, or simply too stubborn to admit when I'm reaching the end of my rope. I don't want to admit I might have human weaknesses, I don't want to make him feel bad for whatever he's doing, and so I don't safeword.
Luckily, there are other ways to tell when your sub is reaching his limits.
If you think your sub might be unwilling to safeword for whatever reason, a good idea is to ask him verbally. Make sure you get a verbal response in return.
Here's why. Sometimes my Dom will notice I'm seeming to get scared and withdrawn in a bad way. Even though I haven't safeworded, he'll back off and ask me sincerely, "Are you all right?" or "Is anything wrong?" And of course, although I know it's ridiculous, I'm too embarrassed and prideful to admit anything is wrong, so I just nod my head that everything is fine. This is why you must get a verbal response! And there's another reason. A sub in subspace is feeling floaty and emotional, and so even verbose, non-stop talkers like me will get incoherent and dreamy. Questions that would normally get a full paragraph answer from me, during scenes will just illicit a dreamy "Mmmm-hmmm." So if you think your sub might be reaching a bad place, mentally or physically, you must make him come out of subspace enough to answer you with words. "Yes, I am fine," or "Please keep going" are short and simple, but effective. Insist on a worded answer to your inquiries about his emotional and physical health during your scene.
Another way to tell is by the sounds and body language of your sub. Sure, even in a scene that's going great, your sub might be screaming "Nooo!" and pushing you away, or looking at you in wide-eyed fright, but a happy sub will still be moaning, biting his lip, and looking all sorts of turned on. If you back away, the sub will reach out for you and look disappointed, or maybe watch you, hoping for more. A sub who is getting genuinely scared or hurt will tense up and "freeze" and start to sound panicked as they scream or beg. In this case, when you back up you will get no response or indication they want you to keep going. It's time to pause and check to see what went wrong!
A sub who's had too much physically, even while enjoying the scene immensely, will show some physical symptoms. My Dom often knows before I do when I am reaching my physical limits, even when I am truly enjoying a scene. He says my body language will change, and my body will start to look tired. One key he looks for is when muscles start quivering. As an Army sargeant, he says he can tell when his soldiers are starting to reach the end of their physical endurance because they will slow, and their arms or legs will shake--signs the body is straining to keep up. In a scene last week, he tied me to the door and hit me repeatedly with a slapper, and eventually he said he saw my legs starting to quiver. Although I was not even aware of it, he could tell my body was reaching its limits and it was time to move on to an activity that was a little less stressful on my body.
Of course, if you have questions about your sub's endurance, ask! You'll find that you'll learn more as you play together, and begin to recognize the signs. You'll also learn from your mistakes, and that just helps you grow into a better and more experienced Dom. Enjoy the learning experience!
No comments:
Post a Comment