Safewords are so common in BDSM, you'll hear about them all the time. These can be used by the sub or the Dom at any time to stop or pause a scene when something goes wrong or when one of them can't take any more.
A lot of people are willing to safeword if they need to, but then they think the scene is "ruined." This isn't true, since I know people who will safeword, pause the scene, and then just go right back into it once they have fixed whatever was the problem. But sometimes a safeword means a scene needs to stop RIGHT THEN.
Well, I had to do an emergency safeword the other night, and I've been thinking about this. I actually believe our scene was somehow better than other times when I haven't safeworded.
Don't get me wrong, I wasn't having fun at the time. Otherwise I wouldn't have had to call our safeword (or safe phrase, in our case). I needed him to stop, and I needed him to stop right then. But terrible as it was at the time, I realized later that I'd gotten what I'd needed out of the scene. I'd been terrified, angry, frightened, and broken. My Dom didn't know that yet, and I had taken all I could take, so I called it quits and he immediately started taking care of me---in fact, he felt awful. But I tried to explain to him later (when I could talk!) that I'd rather have a scene be so overwhelming and complete that I have to immediately safeword out of it, than have a scene where my limits aren't stretched and everything goes smoothly and safely but at the end, I feel dissatisfied and unfulfilled.
Let me describe what happened.
Making me cry is a very hard thing to do. First, I'm a woman, and second, I'm a redhead. Both these contribute to me having a high pain tolerance. But mostly, as an individual I just have an incredibly high pain tolerance and immense self control. I was emotionally abused as a teenager, and that has kept me from being able to express my emotions healthily as an adult. I can keep myself from crying, to the point where I can't cry even when I want to.
So sometimes in a scene, my goal is for him to break me to the point where I can cry. For some reason I can't get myself there alone. I can't cry. When I try, the tears don't come. Even when he hits me or yells at me, I'll often get close to tears, but no tears will come. It's very frustrating, because BDSM is all about me wanting to get that release that I can't otherwise have. It's about wanting him to have that control and closeness to me that I otherwise don't know how to give him.
We discussed things that actually scare me, and one of them is being slapped repeatedly in the face. Don't get me wrong, I love being slapped a few times; it even makes me come harder. But the only person who has beaten me repeatedly in the face is my mother, so it's natural that those repeated slaps across the face, with no chance to defend myself or have a break to pull myself together again, take me right back to that victimization of my childhood. Sure, it's a terrible feeling, but in the end it is the only way to break me down.
Well, my Dom went at it a lot harder than he had before. I am used to a few slaps, then a break, but he just kept hitting me and hitting me. After a while, I got absolutely pissed. I am not used to feeling such intense anger, and I would have beaten the crap out of him, except he had me pinned down! I wasn't playing anymore, I was FURIOUS. Then he started slapping me again. It wasn't fun, sexy slapping, either; this was a harsh beating on both sides of my face. I started to whimper and fight him in earnest. He was beating the crap out of me, I was screaming for him to stop, I was starting to cry, and the whole time he just kept coming and slapping and hitting me without a pause or a break. He kept screaming, "Break, damn you! Break!" I started to cry and fight him in earnest, but he was too big for me. The pain in my face was becoming unbearable. I tried to safeword, but I couldn't breathe. I started screaming for him to stop. Finally, sobbing so hard I could barely breathe, I choked out, "I c----!" and started wailing.
That was all I got out, but it was close enough to our safeword ("I can't") that all hitting stopped immediately. He gathered me into his arms, held me, and I laid there and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.
He told me later that he felt terrible, that he had been trying to watch to see when I started to cry, but that he hadn't felt or seen it and thought he should keep going. He was worried I was angry with him, but why would I be? He had done everything exactly as we'd discussed: he'd made me hit my limits, and once I safeworded he had stopped immediately. It wasn't his fault if the scene had gotten too intense, too fast.
I cried myself out for a good long while while he held me. My face ached, and once I was all cried out he went to get me some water and some ice for my face. My cheeks were a lovely rosy color, but the right side of my face was swelled up and I was seriously afraid I would have a black eye (I didn't). My face was aching and so my Dom tucked me into bed and held the ice to my face. I fell into a deep sleep that lasted for 12 hours, completely released and cried out.
Later, we discussed the whole thing. He said he'd felt top drop for the first time, seeing me cry like that after what he'd done to me. He felt terrible that I'd had to use my safeword. I tried to explain to him that is what safewords are for! Yes, the scene got too much for me and we had to stop, but in the end that meant I was 100% worn out and had gotten to cry out all my negative emotions. I felt much more calm and at peace after I'd calmed down than I would have if we'd done a lighter scene that didn't cause me any emotional reaction at all.
For me, the scene was both bad and good. Like so many BDSM scenes are for me as a sub, the scene itself was bad---I was being hurt, I was in physical and emotional pain, and I left it bruised and drained. But the thing I love about BDSM is that it lets me use those negative emotions and turn them in to a positive experience! As soon as I'd cried myself out and my Dom had turned back into the nice, loving man I know and not the maniacal monster who was hitting me, I felt so much better and at peace. I'd finally managed to cry, and it was a total catharsis. I'd found an outlet for my negative emotions, and I felt closer to my Dom, sleepy, safe, and exhausted. I slept hard and well. The next day, my face looked fine and was only slightly sore, and I felt more in love and happy than I'd felt in days. All my worries and anxieties had been melted away!
So yes, at the time it was scary. But the scene achieved its goal. And it has taught me: a safeworded scene is sometimes the best!
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