First, the Dom must have a clear idea of how to train his (or her) sub. What do you want out of this relationship? Why? How will both of your needs get met? You also need to have a strong personality and good leadership abilities. You need the skills to plan, set goals, and see them through. If you do not possess these skills, your training will not be a success.
It is a good idea to sit down and write out a list of what you want from this controlled relationship, both for you and your sub. For example: you may want closer intimacy, sexual gratification, control, power, the satisfaction of being pampered and served, the ability to freely hurt and use another human being, etc. For your sub, you may want her to feel secure, loved, and adored, to grow closer to God, to heal from past abuse, to become less shy or selfish, to know you will never leave her, etc.
Once you have these goals set out for this relationship, how will you achieve this? How will this benefit you and your sub? What behaviors, attitudes, and thoughts will need to change to achieve this? How will you change these behaviors? What negative and positive reinforcements will be particularly effective on your sub? How can you give her what she needs? How will the two of you communicate clearly about your needs, thoughts, and feelings during this ongoing process? In all things, you must have the leadership abilities to set healthy goals for you and your sub, made for the happiness and betterment of both of you. You must also have the strength of personality, intelligence, and drive to follow through on your goals.
The sub and dom should sit down and discuss the control dynamic of their relationship. This is a chance for the Master (or Mistress) to set his expectations, what he expects from the sub, and why he expects it. This is also the sub's opportunity to provide feedback, express hopes or fears, and share feelings.
Both of you must have a clear idea of what the training will accomplish. For example, if you want to play the Mommy to your husband's vulnerable, innocent baby, but he wants a relationship where he is the tortured and beaten puppy of an evil and sadistic owner, you have a problem. Make sure you agree on the goals for your relationship and how to get there.
A sub is not likely to agree to anything she feels is not in her best interest. "Because I told you so" is not a good reason! For a free-thinking adult to give up her freedom of choice, she must receive something of equal or greater value (e.g. security, permanence, leadership) in return. Explain to her why each of your tasks for her is geared specifically to one or the other of your needs. Every task, homework, scene, and training session should have a reason--either it meets one of your needs, it meets one of hers, or it will further your intimacy with each other or God. Don't just make up random rules so you can have a power trip; make sure the sub clearly sees how this will benefit her or the relationship.
Expect training to put stress on your sub: people naturally resist change. Expect this! If you take away freedoms your sub was used to having, she is going to resist--this is not a resistance against you, but against the loss of freedom and control. Expect this and be understanding, but you must still be firm.
Training a sub is like training a new employee, an animal, or a child: you must be firm, have a clear direction and a way to get there, and have a system of punishments and rewards in place. Teenagers will push against their parents' boundaries; they will fight, scream, beg, plead, and be rebellious brats, but a good parent does not give in. It is the same with your sub! Yes, listen to her worries, fears, and complaints. She should never be punished for sharing with you her feelings. Be understanding and empathetic, but do not give in. Many subs will actively or passively resist your training, and you should not give in---you can modify your plans, or lower the intensity, but you should not let your sub control you or the relationship.
As a Dom, you are undertaking a huge responsibility--the emotional and physical care of another human being. You are also asking a lot of an intelligent adult, and you should give praise and positive feedback when your sub does well.
The types of punishments and rewards you use will depends on your sub--you must know her well! Modify your training to fit your specific sub's needs. What goals do you have for her? Depending on your sub's personality and past, some ideas might include:
- trusting you not to abandon her
- finding absolute security in a relationship
- becoming more outgoing and social
- learning to stand up for herself and be assertive
- controlling her temper
- learning to trust men (or people in general)
- growing closer to God
- developing her neglected talents (writing, drawing, business, dance, leadership, etc.)
- learning to be emotionally open
- better money management
- receiving oral sex
- ability to have an orgasm
- learning to cry and be vulnerable in front of others
- learning self-defense
- learning that sex can be emotional and loving
A caring Master or Dom knows his sub and wants her to become a better, happier person, Christian, lover, wife, mother, friend, daughter, employee, boss, citizen, and friend. If you have her best interests at heart when controlling her, she will be more likely to change her behaviors. Communicate with her, agree together on goals, and together you will find a kinky BDSM relationship that makes you both happy.
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