More on Safe Words

Safewords (and safe actions, if you're gagged) are so important I believe an occasional blog update is in order.

There is a minority in the BDSM community that believes safewords give a sub too much control, and should not be used. I believe this is highly dangerous; it relies too much on a Dom's interpretation of the sub. Safety in BDSM takes both people: the Dom watching vigilantly, and the sub using a safe word.

Most people use a simple safeword that wouldn't come up in scene. These are words like aardvark, red, Xerox, Shamu, or other quirky words that simply won't come up! This way your Dom clearly knows you need to stop.

But the BDSM community has developed new modes of safety that are more complex and sophisticated than just one word. This is what I will discuss today.

One example of a more complex safeword system is the stoplight. Green means you are perfectly fine, yellow means slow down a bit, and red means stop now.

I also like a color-coded set of safewords. As a sub, I can attest that there are times in scene my needs are more than just "slow down" or "stop." In this case, you can use a color system, building off the stoplight codes. Blue, for instance, might mean "I need care, nurturing, and comfort" right now. Your lover does not need to stop or slow down, but you are feeling needy and want the general tone of the scene to change. Orange can mean, "Speed up! Go faster and harder. Hurt me!" and black can mean, "Start talking dirty to me and treating me like crap, please, Sir or Ma'am." Sometimes I love for my Dom to call me nasty, terrible names, and sometimes in the same situation I need him to just cuddle me and love me! There is no way he can know my needs in these situations unless I clearly communicate it to him. Sometimes my needs even change mid-scene! For instance, during phone sex once, I needed dirty talk and namecalling to get me turned on. Once I was turned on, however, my needs suddenly changed and I felt vulnerable, needy, and sad. In this case, rather than safewording and stopping the scene, I could have just used blue and my needs would have been met.

Another idea for those who feel slightly foolish shouting "Aardvark!" or "Black, please," is to use your Dom's name. I know I often feel too foolish to say my safeword, or I want to prove how tough I am, and I won't use my safeword. But it is easier to use his name. A first name can mean "slow down, back off a bit" and a full name means "Stop now!" Especially if, during sex, you usually call your Dom baby, Mistress, Mommy, Daddy, or Master, using his or her real name will be an automatic signal that something needs to change a bit so your needs are properly met.

Some subs disagree with me, but I also feel that just pausing the scene for a bit is fine. Others think that this is too fake, or it interrupts the "flow" of play, but I haven't found that. A past partner and I practiced this. He would be deep in the role of mean, terrible rapist or sadist, and I would be thrashing about, whimpering, and pleading with him to stop. Then suddenly, he would stop, look down at me, and ask quietly, "Really?" or "Are you okay?" I would pause in my role of tormented victim, make eye contact, and say, "No, not really!" or "I'm good!" and then we would go right back to beating or raping or fucking or whatever that scene called for. No harm done!

And finally, Doms and Dommes need to be watchful. Many subs won't or can't use safewords in really wild scenes, so you need to watch your sub. The longer you play with the same person, the easier this will get. For instance, I start to make myself small, curl up, and get plaintive and whiny when my needs aren't being met. My Dom is slowly starting to realize this means he needs to switch from "Master" to "Daddy" personae and comfort me. As you play with your partner more and more, this will get easier to read, and scenes will be physically and emotionally safer for both of you.