Taken in Hand

Taken in Hand is not technically a type of BDSM, but it is similar, and it's very similar to Christian Domestic Discipline, or CDD (to read more about CDD on my blog, click here). Kinksters involved in BDSM or D/s relationships can also be Taken in Hand, or couples practicing Taken in Hand can also be involved in kink.

Taken in Hand is a style of relationship when men lead women. In that, TiH is very similar to power exchanges or D/s in BDSM. Both involve a consensual power exchange where one partner has control or power over another. However, D/s can be heterosexual or bi or gay, male-led or female-led, monogamous or poly, married or single or committed, full-time or part-time. TiH is much more specific: the website is designed for male-led, monogamous marriages only.

I like Taken in Hand because, like CDD, it is very compatible with Christian-style BDSM. Although TiH is not specifically Christian, it can be. The Bible verses that discuss marital submission always indicate such relationships should be male-led, and TiH follows that model, although not because of Biblical reasons.

Another thing I like about TiH is that it expects, even encourages, women to be strong, independent, and powerful. The whole point of a TiH relationship is that the woman wants to be conquered and the man wants to conquer, as opposed to D/s where the sub submits and the Dom or Domme leads.

One thing I don't like about the website is its lack of organization. You can wander around the articles--which are very good--for days and not come across the same one twice. The articles are listed alphabetically and by subject, but it's impossible to find a favorite article again later once you've left the site. Also, the profiles leave much to be desired--they tell you only the person's screenname and years on the site, no information about them or links to their writings and posts on the site. Additionally, I've had trouble commenting and my comments never show up. So while I like the idea, the whole thrown-together approach at a website drives me nuts.

If you're interested in a support group where you can learn lots about male-led marriages where the man leads and the woman is, not submissive, but taken in hand (controlled/conquered), check out Taken in Hand!

Why Do Doms Want Weak, Spineless Subs?

Do most men want women who are naturally submissive (or weak, or softspoken, or obedient, or whatever)?

Sometimes I feel that way. Just like I sometimes get really overwhelmed by the sheer number of kinksters who are polyamorous, or not Christian, or whatever, sometimes I just feel like every Dom or Sir or Mistress or Master out there is searching for someone who is easy to control. I know it's not true, since I've seen many posts by women who don't want to be that kind of submissive (FetLife discussion, Taken in Hand articles, comments on my blog), and also a few by men who don't seem to want that kind of wife (Taken in Hand article, Slave Training guide). But far and wide, it seems like most men and women dominants want an easy pass on the work of controlling and dominating another person. (Or, at the very least, they only want to work hard at dominating when they feel like it.)

Today, my Dom and I had a very bad talk. Turns out he wants me to submit on my own, not wait for him to conquer me. I hate the idea of just submitting, since that makes any "domination" he does more of a role-playing game than a real D/s, full-time relationship. He was also very negative, blaming me for things I've already improved on weeks ago, accusing me of being the cause of 9/10 of the conflict in our relationship, and telling me no man would ever be able to dominate me. I guess, to him, my need to be dominated, coupled with my strength as a person, is too much. He prefers a more naturally submissive woman, like those mentioned in the New Testament, and he prefers to only have to go through the work of "dominating" a woman every 2 to 3 days, not all the time, and certainly not 24/7. He says if he dominates me once every few days, I should just be able to remain feeling "dominated" until another conflict comes up. To me, however, after a few hours, subspace floats away like a light alcohol buzz and I'm back to normal: equal partners. We just couldn't agree.

Well, Biblically, I don't have a leg to stand on because he's the husband, so I finally gave in (after a loooong and very unhappy discussion). Of course, I told him all the laying blame and making me feel like I'm "too much" and that no man would ever want to dominate me is not fair, and in return he says I'm not being biblically submissive and that I do all this research online but never actually submit in real life. Well, of course, I'm waiting to be dominated, but I guess neither of us is happy with the way things are.

Here are the questions we discussed, and my answers.

Aren't all subs naturally submissive?

No, but some are. Some women on Fetlife and CDD sites take pride in being "naturally submissive," as though that makes them better subs. To me, it just makes them easier subs to deal with, and they would be happy with lazier or less strong dominants. But not all subs have naturally submissive personalities! A quick look at Taken in Hand articles or Fetlife groups for submissive women will tell you that a lot of women only submit to ONE man, and only because he has proved himself to her. A writer on the Taken in Hand website put it perfectly:

First, women choose men – not the other way around. Part of that expectation is that a man be able to handle her.

It is not so much a conscious choice as a biological drive linked to survival of the species. For if a man cannot tame the beast that is within her, odds are that he will not have the courage to protect her or their children.

Second, women test. It is in their nature. They have to make sure that they have made the right choice of mate. Again, this is a self-protective mechanism.

The more unsure a woman is of male prowess, the more likely she is to test. If the man continues to fall short of her expectations, she will come to loath him. (For the rest of the article, click here.)

Do subs want all the good and none of the bad of domination?

This was my Dom's idea. He says women who want to be dominated are wanting all the good of manly domination and none of the bad. They want to be treasured, led, guided, and conquered, but they don't want him to be an asshole or domineering or selfish or a jerk about it. To my Dom, this seems unfair for the women to want. To me, it seems only natural. Of course we want strong male leadership (like God modeled in the Old Testament!) without the man being a jerk or only worrying about himself. And I think as subs, we are willing to accept that sometimes we won't be happy with a scene, that it will be about our Dom's pleasure and our pain, but still we need to be happy or have some sort of emotional need met SOMETIMES or why would we stay? But my Dom has learned to be a leader in the Army or from his alcoholic, abusive father, and that is where I think he gets a lot of his "Leaders must be assholes" idea.

Should Doms and subs create their own lifestyle or go by online resources?

I think, with the wealth of resources out there, we should learn from the kinksters who have already succeeded at living a lifestyle. There are common ideals that unite the community of kinksters, such as mutual consent, no harm, sane and safe play, etc. There are already loads of books and websites created to teach us about becoming Masters, slaves, Dommes, Mistresses, Doms, Owners, subs, Tops, or bottoms. There are websites with slave training guidelines, sample Master/slave contracts, and great discussions where we can learn more about the community. While no one site has the "right way" or "wrong way," I think it's silly and irresponsible to try to become part of a community without learning about it first. I think there is no such thing as having too much knowledge on a subject, especially one you are considering incorporating into your lifestyle full-time. You can get ideas from others, receive support, or even find an on-line mentor.

My Dom, on the other hand, thinks I've done "too much research." He thinks all my research has filled me head with unattainable ideals of submission and domination that either aren't possible, or aren't possible for him. He thinks two people should be able to decide upon a relationship style on their own, without input from strangers over the internet.

I think that's a great idea, but without other subs to tell you what your rights are, or other Mistresses to give you great punishment and control ideas, such a relationship could quickly degenerate into abusive control. I think that the old adage is true: "The more you learn, the more you realize how little you know." I think that the hours I put into researching and writing about BDSM help make me an expert in the topic, and that without the online sites, I'd have never had a clue what diversity of kink there was in the world. I think that you can never have too much knowledge.

Can you do too much online research?

In my opinion, unless you start doing so much online research that you quit doing your other duties (cleaning the house, taking showers, going to work, etc.), no. Research and knowledge are priceless. See above.

What happens if two people can't agree on what their relationship should be?

Well, if they're not already married or otherwise committed (collared, etc.), they can just leave until they find the right match for their kinky desires. Having unfulfilled needs, sexual or otherwise, can be very difficult on a relationship.

On the other hand, many people are already married or committed. In this case, if two people simply can't agree on the dynamic of their relationship, they have a few options:

1. Divorce. Biblically, this isn't permissible because you don't love them anymore or they don't meet your needs--- only if the other person has committed adultery. (See Matthew 5:27-32.)
2. Separation. No sex with anyone but your spouse, though.
3. Have a separate Master and husband. You'd actually be surprised how many women have both a loving husband and a Sir. The trick is that both parties MUST know about the other and the entire relationship must be completely honest and open with everyone involved. Otherwise, it's just cheating, and only slimeballs do that. Also, Christians are not allowed to have sex with anyone but their spouse (see Hewbrews 13:4), so having a BDSM relationship with anyone but your spouse means it can't include sex or anything sexual.
4. Quit having a BDSM relationship. One or both of you will be unhappy.
5. Decide to go with one person's version and not the other's. This means one of you will be unhappy.

Should the Bible or BDSM come first?

Well, obviously, the Bible. God comes before everything in our lives. That's why I had to admit defeat with my husband when we just couldn't agree. When it comes down to it, the Bible is clear; Ephesians 5:22-24 says:

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

He wants our BDSM relationship one way. I want it another way. He thinks I complain too much and never submit like a submissive should. I think he should be more consistent and conquer me more. And in the end, who was right? It doesn't matter, because he pointed out the Bible to me. And he was right. I may not want to obey him, but I do want to obey God. I don't want to put myself in the position of jeapordizing my marriage and displeasing my Creator just because I was stubborn and willful. It would be so much easier (for me) if he could do things my way, and I wish he would. And what about what all those "Biblically submissive women" books and sites that advise us wives to submit with grace and a good attitude?

Fat chance. I may be called to obey in all things, so fine. But I can't control my attitude and right now my attitude about this is nothing like the joyful, submssive attitude the church has when submitting to Christ. But I don't feel like I can control that now. And I don't really want to.

He seems to want a 100% Biblically submissive wife, to be a Biblically leading husband all the time, and to be a Dom who controls and hurts me about 50% of the time. To me, that feels fake. I feel like we're doing what the Bible says (and we should!), but that he is playing "dress-up Dom" the rest of the time. He can't control me all the time--or more accurately, doesn't want to go through the effort of doing so all the time--so he wants me to pretend to give in even when I am not conquered. Fine. I can do it, but I'll sulk and I'm mad. He left an hour ago and I didn't even talk to him. Christlike? No. But hurt and angry wife-like? You bet.

I'm sure things will get better soon, but for now..... that's all.

Submit or Be Conquered?

The statue pictured here in "The Rape of the Sabine Woman" by Giambologna. I'm no art history major, but when I first saw this sculpture in a museum in Italy, I was struck and saddened by its beauty. The scene is haunting, and the woman is both being physically overcome and yet lifted up and cherished.

That's the miracle of submission. You are overtaken and conquered, but you are elevated and loved.

A lot of women want to be submissives, but it's not naturally their personality. Maybe they have a dominating job where they are in charge of dozens of other people. Maybe they are a force to be reckoned with in their homes and in their communities. Does that mean they can never be submissive?

I have to say the answer is no, because 1 Peter 3:1 says:

Wives, be submissive to your husbands.

Even in non-Christian circles, there are many, many women who are strong, valiant, and dominating, but they want to be taken care of and conquered by a man. They don't want to have to be weak to be conquered; they want to be overcome by a man even stronger and more dominating than they are. (For a look at some non-Christian websites on male leadership and female submission that are gaining in popularity, look up Taken in Hand, The Surrendered Wife, or Domestic Discipline.)

If Paul tells all women, even the strongest and most dominanting of us, to submit to our husbands, I have to believe that it's possible. Through God, all things are possible.

How? I have no idea. You'll have to ask someone with more experience in Biblical submission. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it myself.

I don't want to submit to a weak man. I don't want to be a doormat or be treated like a child or inferior. I don't want to offer my body, mind, heart, and soul to a weak, indecisive, passive man. I believe I am worth more than that.

Instead, I long to be conquered! I want to be taken care of by someone who is a match for my strength, my tenacity, my stubborness, and even my forceful personality. I want to feel conquered, safe, dominated, and submitted.

Perhaps, instead of calling myself submissive, I should call myself conquered. That's what I want to be. What does "being conquered" entail? I'm not sure. I am easily swayed by groups on Taken in Hand and Fetlife that try to convince me a certain way is right or wrong. I'm not terribly decisive myself. Does it mean he spanks me when I misbehave, or does that make me too like a child and make me act beneath my dignity as a Christian woman beloved by my husband and Christ? Does it mean there are consequences for bad actions, or simply calm discussions? How does my husband show his power? How often do I need it displayed so I can feel safe and conquered? How much time and energy will that take away from him?

In the end, the answer to all these questions is up to my husband, with direction from the Bible and the Holy Spirit, of course. It is up to him to decide how, when, where, and how often he exercises his authority in our lives. For me, just sitting around and waiting for him to make a decision is killing me. But I am eager to be loved, to be safe and secure, to rest securely in the arms of a strong man who has conquered me yet again that he may love me even more.

To submit? Or to be conquered?

I guess I want both.

Qualities of a Dominant?

It's easy to imagine that you're a Dominant. Fetlife and CollarMe are two online kink/fetish sites that abound with men (and some women!) who think all it takes to be a Dominant is bossing people around. In my opinion, that makes you bossy, annoying, and clueless, but not dominating.

Some people are born with naturally dominant traits. These people make natural leaders. Most of us have some leadership traits. But if you want to be a Dominant (or are a sub looking for a Dom or Domme), what qualities do you need to develop? You can't just expect to announce your dominance and have a sub fall at your feet. Subs respond to dominant personalities, not bossiness and not arrogance. So which of your natural tendencies should you improve upon? Keep? Disregard? Hone?

Luckily, there are lots of internet websites to help! Here are some of the qualities of a BDSM Dominant:

• Consistency
• Self control
• Stubborness
• Confidence
• Respectability (earns it)
• Respect (gives it)
• Maturity
• Integrity
• Honesty
• Good Communication Skills
• Decisive
• Humble
• Grateful
• Mindful
• Emotional Resilience
• Natural Teacher
• Deep
• Deliberate thinker and planner
• Responsible
• Knowledgable
• Trustworthy
• Charismatic
• Adventurous
• Creative
• Desire to be a Dominant
• Has a vision of where they are going in life and what role their submissive partner plays in that
• Dominates from within themselves (not by using instruments or role-play)
• Can persuade others to do what they want (not always using force)

Many men and women are drawn to these characteristics. They are essential characteristics for politicians, leaders, and bosses. These men and women can usually be spotted across the room. Their vision, confidence, and purpose are evident in the way they stand, their posture, their voice, and their eye contact. A naturally submissive or neutral person will get stars in their eyes and feel "drawn" to them, even if not sexually (most of us aren't sexually attracted to a good boss or powerful politician, but they have the power of persuasion and a charisma nonetheless!).

If you are a Dominant (or an aspiring one) and you're not sure what traits make your sub "tick," just ask! My Dom and I found we had somewhat differing ideas of what a Dom would do--I wanted micromanaging and he was more laid back--so he simply asked me to list off people I found dominating. I named off several characters from books or movies, and I made an effort to point out men we met who had a natural draw and allure for me. Most of these men weren't jerks who treated women poorly and postured like a peacock around other men, because I find that a huge turnoff. On the other hand, most of them men I felt drawn to were confident, kind, and articulate. This helped me understand what I wanted as a submissive, and helped my husband understand what kind of D/s relationship would work for us as a couple.

Of course, on the internet you'll find lots of "Dominants" who don't have these qualities. These people probably aren't really wanting a D/s relationship, with all the control and responsibility of being a Dom or Domme. They are more likely looking for easy sex and an excuse to cheat on their wives. If a man or woman is not a good communicator, completely open and honest, and able to articulate to you his or her vision, I wouldn't get into a D/s relationship with that person. Someone who wants control without responsibility is not a Dominant, but an abuser.

Thanks to the following websites for their ideas on this post!

Fetlife discussion

Albany Power Exchange

Taken in Hand

Tribe Net

I'm going to spend this post answering a really good question that came to me via a comment on my older post, Christians and Polygamy.

I realize this is a fairly old post but I was just curious about your view
on another facet. You state polyamory as "having more than one BDSM partner."
But what if someone engages in casual play with another but abstains from sex
and romance with that person? Just wondering about your input on this.

While I personally am a Christian who is against polygamy, the Bible never specifically prohibits it, and so I don't feel comfortable saying it's a sin or that God doesn't want you to do it. I believe it's wrong, but there are other Christians who disagree with me. (For a full summary of both sides of the argument, see my original post on the topic at the link above.)

The reader above made a very valid point, however. There are some Christians in BDSM who "play" with another partner but do not engage in any sexual behavior. Obviously, for some people, spanking or intense emotional feelings that come out during BDSM are inherently erotic, and for those people, engaging in those powerful emotional or erotic feelings with anyone but your spouse would be wrong (see the many Bible verses about lust and monogamy for an example). On the other hand, for some people I think it is possible for BDSM play to not become sexual or erotic or romantic.

My husband and I don't play with other people because, for both of us, the intense emotions we feel are undeniably romantic and erotic. When he spanks or hurts me, he gets hard. Obviously, neither of us feel it would be appropriate for him to spank or hurt another woman. That would not be "keeping our marriage bed pure" as Paul states in Hebrews 13:4, and we would be sinning. Although I don't get sexually turned on by BDSM, the activities my husband and I engage in do make me feel very emotionally attached to him. I feel submissive, loving, and very emotional about the bearer of such pain and pleasure. For me to feel those romantic and emotional ties to another man or woman would be a sin, and could easily lead me on the road to adultery. So we don't play with other people, ever.

1 Corinthians 6:18 tells us to "flee from sexual immorality." Not just to wander away, or jog, or even walk briskly away. FLEE.

Flee: To run away; to escape; To escape from; To disappear quickly; to vanish

Obviously we aren't supposed to even dabble in anything that even might turn into sexual sin in the future. If it is even possible that you might become sexually or romantically attached to your BDSM play partner, you shouldn't even entertain the possibility.

On the other hand, some people really do not see all BDSM activities as sexual or erotic. People enjoy being whipped, spanked, or hurt because the ensuing release of endorphins feels good. Other people, even married Christian couples, want to learn techniques from experienced kinksters. If they believe they can keep BDSM play as something fun and enjoyable, not sexual, not romantic, and not dishonoring God, then in this case it's possible nothing is wrong with it. Of course, the couple should read the Bible and pray about it first, just to make sure. God will often very clearly tell us when our desires are from Him and when they are not.

If BDSM play contains no nudity, nothing inappropriate or lustful between the two sexes, then the Bible gives us no clear direction either way. It's probably safer to keep activities that have such a potential for emotional and sexual attachment within a monogamous marriage, but the Bible doesn't prohibit it. My only concern with this non-sexual sharing of BDSM is the potential for it to become inappropriate or sexual. Tread carefully and be sure you honor God with everything you do. Pray about it, discuss it with other trusted Christians, and search the Scriptures.

I hope this helps!

To Safeword or Not To Safeword?

In the BDSM lifestyle, most beginner-level how-tos tell you that you should always play with a safeword. This is for everyone's safety (yes, I've heard stories of tops safewording out of scenes, too!) to make sure that no one gets injured or too freaked out or have lasting psychological harm done to them. It's a way of saying, "Okay, this is too much, and I need to stop."

But once you get more into the BDSM lifestyle, you discover there are several Doms and subs who do not use safewords. Ever. Subs and slaves claim they trust their Master with their lives and would never want to usurp his (or her) authority that way. Doms and Masters say they can't really be 100% in control if the sub can stop them with just one word. I don't know who first said it or started it, but floating around the internet is this saying to support these people's choices:

A sub with a safeword is just a Domme on her knees.

Catchy, no?

For these people, that works. If you know someone well enough and trust them enough, maybe the no-safeword type of relationship works for you.

But for my Dom and me, we never play without a safeword. I was emotionally and physically abused by my mother when I was younger until I went to college. She's a wonderful woman, but she has some mental instabilities and she went through a rough time in her life where she tried to take her children and family down with her. She's sorry now, and I forgive her, but it still screw with my head and dictates how I relate (often dysfunctionally) in my relationship with my husband. (Sex=bad, love=control, emotional abuse=I feel loved, that kind of crazy crap.)

So we always, always play with safewords. I can't safeword out of punishments, or I'd never get punished and my Dom would have no real authority. But punishments, like the occasional spanking, are not intended to be emotionally or physically traumatizing, so I've never really needed to safeword out of them. However, some of our scenes can get crazy. Sometimes my Dom loses his temper (or, more likely, he loses control and I feel like he's lost his temper) or he starts slapping me too hard and I lose it. I start sobbing uncontrollably because slapping was what my mother did when she was mad beyond belief and screaming at me. Slapping, to me, represents a lack of control over my body. It makes me feel helpless and powerless, not in a sexy way, but in a terrifying way. It makes me think the person doing it hates me and is furious with me. In no way is it a good, sexy, or cleansing feeling.

So we always play with safewords. And sometimes, my Dom will even push me. It's a strange fact that often the children of abusive parents can and will take a ridiculous amount of emotional and physical abuse without "giving in." I simply disconnect. I go into myself and let the other person rail against my body, but I won't give them the satisfaction of touching me. In these moods, I can be a bit self-destructive. I play the Ice Queen and won't make eye contact or talk. My Dom can pick me up and move me, but I stay limp and unresponsive. It's like I'm in a coma, but awake. He can slap me and I won't tell him to stop. He can squeeze my neck in an attempt to make me safeword, but I'll calmly sit there and let myself go unconscious first before I'll "give in" by safewording.

This is because in my childhood, there was no safeword. I couldn't stop the abuse or control what was happening to me. So I learned to rise above it, and defeat the abuser by simply not being present. Obviously, this is dangerous in a BDSM scene. I'm playing with my husband who loves me, not my abusive mother. I'm playing with someone who never wants to harm me or frighten me past the point that I like it. Yet sometimes I turn into a machine and treat him like the enemy.

So he is practicing with me to get me to safeword. Sometimes he pushes me, just to get me in the habit of "giving in" and using my safeword. Sometimes he wants to make sure I'm not too into subspace or "abused sub" mentality to talk, which actually happens from time to time. If I can't talk, I can't safeword, and I'm no longer capable of telling him if I'm safe. Then he stops play until we can resume safely. Once, he even tried to force me into doing something I'd already told him was a "hard limit" (that means NO!). I stalled and squirmed but finally safeworded. Immediately he hugged me and murmured, "Good job, little girl. I'd have been PISSED if you had let me do that."

So whatever you read on the net, it doesn't make you a worse sub or a less domly Dom if you play with safewords. It means you respect your partner and you understand that the Unknown can factor into your scenes and sometimes you'll need to slow down or stop. Especially if one of you suffered abuse or trauma as a child or adult, I'd recommend always playing with a safeword. It's there to keep you safe.

Religion Discussions on FetLife

On FetLife, there are many groups geared toward Christians and BDSM. I'm a member of some, including general Christian ones and specific Catholic ones. I enjoy talking to other Christians who are also interested in kink, but I am always sort of shocked and saddened by how many Christians are actually... well, not followers of Christ.

I don't for a minute think I'm capable of judging what makes another person Christian or not. When it all comes down to it, only God can know our hearts and souls. He will judge each person and His judgment will be completely just.

Still, Jesus was very, very clear that He is the only way to God. I don't think Jesus said this because He was intolerant, or egotistical, or that He meant He's the only way to God for Christians, but for Muslims and Hindus and Jews and agnostics there's another way and that's okay. No, the man said He was the only way. When God Himself takes the trouble to come down to earth and tell us who He is and what the way to Him is, I'm inclined to believe Him. Maybe it's not P.C. or fuzzy, feel-good religion with an emphasis on "all religions lead to God," but I believe it's the truth.

Allow me to share with you an exchange of messages on this topic. The FetLife member in question is the leader of a Catholic + BDSM group. I admire him for his tolerance of others' views in his group (even mine) and for his respect of other religions. Still, I can't agree with his views on God. Here is our discussion:


Is Jesus the only way to God?

Him:
NO....

The way to God is to seek God. Jesus is one of our earthly guides to God.

Go to YouTube, type in Islamic Call to Prayer...Listen to a few of them....

You may understand that Islam is also the way to God.

Me:
I do understand that many religions are attempting to search for God and of course have some valid ways of reaching Him.

However, when God comes down to earth and clearly says, "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life; no one comes to the Father except through Me," I'm inclined to believe Him. He wouldn't have gone to all that trouble of coming to earth, suffering, dying, and rising (quite a drastic measure!) if it weren't completely necessary and the ONLY way to God. Otherwise Jesus' sacrifice wouldn't have been necessary, if there are other ways to God, all equally valid.

Isn't it possible to respect those religions, enjoy their sacred texts and music, but still know that there is only ONE way to God, the mediator Jesus Christ?


Him:
Um, no offense...but God comes down to earth? And you believe that? The early Christians did NOT think Jesus was God and yet they still followed him...

Early Christian views tended to see Jesus as a unique agent of God.

Most Christians identified Jesus as divine from a very early period, although holding a variety of competing views as to what exactly this implied.

(Early Christians) Adoptionists, such as the Ebionites, considered Jesus as at first an ordinary man, born to Joseph and Mary, who later became the Son of God at his baptism, his transfiguration, or his resurrection.

But it was not until some 300 years after Jesus died that the Council of Nicaea in 325 he was identified as God in the fullest sense, literally 'of the same substance, essence or being', hence in the further wording of the Creed.

Let's not forget that the Catholic church is a great propaganda agent for telling Christians what to believe...

You said, "Isn't it possible to respect those religions, enjoy their sacred texts and music, but still know that there is only ONE way to God, the mediator Jesus Christ?" NO.

I gave you my opinion. My opinion may or may not be correct. I believe it is correct.

The Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw once said, "There is only one religion,though there are a hundred versions of it."

Is it possible that Buddhism,Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, Judaism, etc. represent differing, yet valid, paths to the same destination?

First, it is intolerant and ethnocentric to assert that one religion is the true religion and others, which disagree, are false. This type of intolerance, it is pointed out, has caused much bloodshed.

Second, the contrasting claims of different religions do not prove that one religion is true and others are false. Instead it suggests that no religion possesses the entire truth, but only bits and pieces of it.

Finally, all religions share a common ethical core. Some formulation of the Golden Rule, for example, is found in Judaism, Hinduism, Jainism, Christianity, Taoism, Islam, and Buddhism. In addition, each of these traditions produces a similar ethical/moral transformation in the lives of its followers.

Moreover, it would be difficult to prove that one religious tradition is more effective than others in transforming the lives of its followers.

Me:
It may be intolerant, but I'm not intolerant from some selfish need to be right, or because I want to "win" a theological argument. I believe that because I honestly want everyone to come to faith in Jesus and have eternal life. It has nothing to do with me.

Also, I don't consider myself intolerant. I have a minor in religion, love to travel to countries with Muslim majorities, and happily attend other churches, denominations, and religions. I like to learn about them. I recently went to the Open House at a mosque here. "Intolerant" to me means the people who hate other religions and are rude to their adherents. I'm tolerant... I have Muslim and atheist friends, am open to attending their services, and read other sacred texts. I believe those people should have the right to practice their own religion. To me, that's tolerant.

I do believe all religions are representing different paths to the same goal. However, I don't believe all of them achieve that goal. That's the difference.

Yes, I believe God came down to earth. Early Christians were unclear what exactly Jesus was, but soon several factions came about. Eventually, Paul and other leaders (after the times the NT was written) through the 300s started to define what and who Jesus was. Arians were a large group who thought he was divine, but not God; others thought he was divine AND God. Utimately, I trust God let the religion who was "right" win out. I trust He can use politics and writings and even opposing factions to point us to the Truth, even if He doesn't do it immediately. And many other religions have incarnations of gods coming to earth, so it's not a new idea.

I'm making NO claims whatsoever that one religion is more effective in transforming lives. If you are looking at religion as a way to "transform lives" or be a better person, I agree with you that any religion could be equally valid and it's a matter of personal preference. However, I don't think religion is a way to transform lives, but a way to worship God and come to know the path to eternal life. There are many ways to transform lives and change people, but only one path to God---Jesus. The other paths head toward God, and attempt to reach it, but God Himself said that only through Jesus can we find eternal life. I'm inclined to believe Him.

Maybe George Bernard Shaw did say that. But Jesus Himself said that He was the only way to God.

I don't consider Jesus intolerant. In fact, He's my example of the most loving, forgiving, tolerant man alive. But He did say He was the only way to God. He didn't punish those who didn't follow Him; He just stated the truth. I try to follow that. I don't discriminate or hound other religions. But I care about them enough that I want them to know that, while talk of "everyone is right" and "all religions are valid" may be popular and P.C., it's not the truth. The God of the Hebrews was not P.C. Jesus was not P.C. They both make the claim that there is only ONE God, and this is how He wants to be worshipped, this is who He is, and these are His commands. I'm simply inclined to believe Him over myself or other humans. Who are we mortals to tell God what we think or want Him to be? He told us, and that is that. (For me.)

I'm sorry you don't agree with me. I do understand your point and actually used to believe it, until I read the Bible and had to admit I was wrong and God was right. It was hard for me to swallow my pride, I'll admit. Sometimes it's still hard.

I'd rather be a loving, tolerant, yet steadfast Christian who is right with Christ, than a P.C., "all roads lead to God" feel-good religion that isn't true and ends up leading myself and others to hell. And if I follow myself or other human leaders, instead of the God of the Bible, I'm afraid that's what I'll do.

So yes, I strongly believe we should respect and tolerate all religions. I believe they all have value and they all have bits of truth. But I believe only one Man, who was also God, is the way to heaven.

The Story of My Domination.... At Last

Yesterday, after writing my exhausting blog on BDSM Identity Crisis, I spent the rest of my day in a funk. I was sad, blue, and gloomy. My husband would never Dom me consistently and I would never be fulfilled. Ba Humbug and the like.

He got home and read the blog. We had dinner (he did BBQ chicken, corn, and potatoes, yum!) and talked about our days. He read the blog again while I read my book. I didn't want him to be mad about what I'd written. I told him writing is just a way for me to express things that I couldn't express otherwise.

Well, a little later, something changed. He turned to me and said, "This is what we're going to do." His voice had changed. It was stronger. He sounded firm and .... bossy.

Something in me, that feminine part of me that yearns to be dominated, was struck. Immediately, defense mechanisms flew into place. I was not going to be hoodwinked into temporary, pretend Dominance again! I want it too much and it hurts too much to lose it. Illogically, I fought hard against the very thing I said I wanted.

I went straight into "child mode." I wouldn't look at him. He took my chin in his hand and refused to keep speaking until I made eye contact. "Look at me," he said, his voice deep and commanding. I whined, whimpered, and tried (childishly) to bury my head into my shoulder. "Look at me," he kept repeating. Finally, I did.

"This is what we're going to do," he said confidently. "You're going to change clothes, do your hair, and we're going to go shopping. You have 15 minutes."

Well, I love shopping. But every part of me was fighting tooth and nail to not be dominated. I stayed in childlike mode. "No!" I whined (I'm surprised I didn't stamp my foot.) "I don't want to go shopping! I can't get ready in 15 minutes! I'm too tired! It's not enough time! You can't boss me around! You didn't even ask me what I wanted to do!"

Luckily, he rose to my unspoken challenge. He confidently told me, "Now you have 14 minutes. You're wasting time."

I kept whining, throwing every reason possible at him. He ignored them all and kept counting down the time. "You have 12 minutes left," he said calmly.

Huffing, I flounced to the bathroom and got ready, still pouting and whining under my breath. In my mind, I decided I would get ready too slowly and be a minute or two late. He would never notice, not punish me, and I would win. Inside, I was excited and happy he was doing this. But I wasn't through testing him yet. (I guess I was in a really bratty mood!)

We got ready and I did my hair and makeup. As I did, I started feeling better already. No wonder I'd been so mopey, sitting around the house in my PJs with no hair and makeup done. I turned before my eyes into an attractive young woman, someone my husband could be proud to take out. I childishly wanted him to be happy with me, to think I was pretty. Still, on the outside I pouted. "What are you going to do to me if I'm not ready?" I challenged.

"For every minute you're late, I'm giving you 10 spanks," he replied calmly. I thought about that for a minute. I wanted to push him more and test him, but he was being strangely confident. I was afraid he would actually do it, and I don't like being spanked. I decided I could let him win this one.

Ten minutes later, I was ready and in the car. I was dressed and looking the way he wanted me to. I was excited I was getting dominated, but my face still wore a pout and I was still tes0ting my limits. Would this new domination last? Or would I be able to push past him and "win"? Much as I wanted him to win, I didn't want it to be an easy fight. Like a true brat, I wanted to test his resolve. Would he insist on getting his way no matter what? I got poutier and poutier thinking about it, but I loved it. The relaxation of being told what to do... not having to make decisions... of knowing you're pleasing because you're wearing exactly what he told you to and doing exactly what he wants. Ahhhh happiness.

He put me in the car with the air running and walked to his car. He returned with one of my favorite headbands, a black sparkly thing with a huge crystal flower on it. "This was in my car, and I want you to wear it today," he told me, still sounding firm and calm and terribly sexy. I decided (sigh) to test this one, too.

"Whyyyy??" I whined, my lower lip actually sticking out.

"Because it will look pretty, and I want you to wear it," he said. Yum. I was getting everything I wanted. My clit gets tight remembering his confidence now, a day later. But was it real? Or some facade for my benefit after the blog? I pushed more to find out.

"You can't make me," I whined petulantly, sounding for all the world like a spoiled little girl and not like the educated, professional woman I am. "What will you do if I don't?"

In a voice firm as the earth, he said decisively, "If it's not on by the convenience store, I'm turning this car around and giving you 25 hard spanks." Part of me wasn't sure he meant it, but part of me was afraid he was. He seemed so... sure. I'm not used to such decision from him, but today he had it. Even on small things, like my clothes and what headband to wear, he had orders and he was going to get them carried out. If he had shown weakness, or not threatened to punish me, I would have pushed more. As it was, I whined and pushed the thing on my head. I was torn between a feeling of "unfair!" and "Oh yessss finally." I loved it but I hated it. He turned, saw the headband perched atop my hair, and laughed maniacally. He had won, and we both knew it.

He let me pick where we went shopping, and he held my hand. Instead of taking it like he normally does in public, like a vanilla husband, he took it possessively, like he owned me and was parading me around for his pleasure. I shivered inside with happiness. It is often a problem in our BDSM relationship, that I want to be bossed around on all the small, tiny things that happen all day, whereas he only wants to enforce the big things. To me, having my choice taken away on all the millions of small things a day is a heavenly release. I have an anxiety disorder in the worst way, and even small decisions like what to do, what to wear, how to wear my hair, and how to serve him a beer worry me. When he commands me a certain way to do it, and punishes me when I don't obey completely, that takes so much worry and anxiety out of my life. I can melt into his strength and have those decisions taken care of for me. It's like a guarantee that I'll be pleasing, since I'm doing exactly what he says. What a relief!

We went shopping, and he didn't do anything terribly bossy. He let me pick the stores and what clothes to wear, but he also was involved and picked out a few pieces he wanted me to try on as well. He carried my bags and paid for my purchases. I thanked him. When I was tired, he led me back to the car, opened all my doors, and started the engine. We drove around forever, trying to find a tropical snow stand. We finally found one. I let him order for me (Tiger's Blood, medium) and pay for us both. I love when he orders for me at restaurants and stores. It makes it clear to everyone that he is in charge, and it takes so much anxiety off my shoulders when I don't have to deal with strangers. It was a beautiful summer night, and I was happy.

I started getting a bit cocky, since he hadn't done anything overtly "dominating" for a few hours. I thought perhaps he'd slipped back into regular vanilla space for us. I got mouthy and hit him. Immediately, he grabbed my hand and pushed hard into the pressure point where my sunburn is. None of the families around us had a clue what just happened, but I was adequately punished. I smacked him again, and he did it again. Still trying to "win," I smacked him and then quickly hid my hand. I thought he would give up eventually and stop trying to punish me if I could wear him out.

He didn't.

Finally I had to give in. I sulked a while, and my hand hurt, but I loved it. I felt so controlled and loved. He hadn't let me get away with anything, even when it was difficult and more work for him. I felt boundaries closing in on me and relaxed. We enjoyed our Tropical Snows and the beautiful weather. We drove home and finished them on the front porch, then went inside.

We read a bit of an article I like that describes the 5 levels of subspace. We talked about me in subspace... first I get defiant, then whiny, then obedient. Once I hit the dreamy, obedient stage, he knows I'm in subspace. I hadn't been there in so long, maybe a year, and I missed it! It is so relaxing and wonderful. I told him I felt he never let me stay there long enough before bringing me out. In that mindset, I feel so needy and clingy it is ridiculous. He is my world and what he thinks is all I care about. I am deadened to pain and feel completely relaxed, almost disengaged from my body. I want to please him. I am nothing but relaxation and horniness and submission. He said that he's noticed when I get there, I don't speak, and can only handle yes or no questions. I guess that is true, because I just get so dreamy.

There is a spot on my neck that makes me relax and slip into subspace. Having it bitten or sucked makes me limp, like those tigers you see on the nature channel who bite the back of the female tiger's neck to keep her submissive while he takes her. He bit me there, again and again. I moaned and I lay there. I started to worry I would get annoying or too heavy, laying there with all my weight in his arms, head hanging off to the side.

He picked me up and pushed me against the wall. He kept biting me, and I was afraid to let go and slide to the floor. I didn't want to annoy him, so I tried to keep enough presence of mind to stand up straight. He bit me, kissed me, and savagely pushed me against the wall. I moaned and moaned. He pushed his knee up into my groin and I felt myself get wet all over my panties and pants. I longed for him to dry hump me there against the wall. I wanted it so much I was whimpering, but I didn't have the words to tell him what I wanted.

The rest of it is a bit of a hazy blur for me. We went into the bedroom, where I slipped out of my clothes and lay there, expectant, feeling the cold sheets bite sharply into my skin. He joined me and bit me some more. My neck started to get tender and it started to hurt in a bad way, jolting me out of subspace instead of sending me further in. He stopped and started touching my body. He rolled me over and fingered me from behind, with me laying flat on my stomach. Ohhhhh. He touched a spot deep within me, it was so wonderful it was almost too much, and I thought I would die if he kept doing it. Which he did. I spasmed around his fingers, and he kept pushing into me. I was his. Oh, I was his.

We finished off with the vibrator, which was good but not as wonderful as his fingers inside me, stroking me into oblivion. Nothing beats the emotional pull of skin-on-skin contact. I lay there, trembling, and he held me for a while before commanding me to give him a hand job. I did, even with my sunburned hand, because I was so hazy and deep that the whole thing seemed a blur. It seemed to take him forever, but finally he came, and we washed up and headed to bed. I was worried for a bit that he was bored with my orgasm and that's why he wanted one, but he told me it wasn't because he wanted one, but because he wanted to see me give him one. That made me feel even more controlled and dominated, and I drifted to a happy sleep, where I had dreams that we were having sex and I was grinding on his cock, always wanting more.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'd like to order more of that, every day, all the time. Domination = happy sub. Thank you.

BDSM Checklists

For those new to the world of BDSM, or even those (like me) who are not new, but have never done a checklist, I am proud to show you the BDSM Checklist!

These are extensive, often quite long lists of potential BDSM activities. They are often used for Doms and subs who are going to play for the first time, as it's an easy way to figure out what each one likes, doesn't like, and absolutely won't do (limits). You can also use them if you're getting into a new relationship, or you're in an old relationship and thinking about incorporating some BDSM into your dynamic. You can even use it if you're single, to help understand yourself, your desires, and your limits better.

These checklists are great tools. Some are online and others are hard copies meant to be printed, but they all include the same basic idea. You circle how interested you are in each activity, and also whether or not you've done it. These lists are a great way to start a conversation about kink and the what each of you wants and the role it will play in your relationship. You can use these as a conversation starter and as a way to quickly and easily identify your partner's limits and desires.

Just remember, there are two kinds of limits:

• Hard Limits: There is no way you will do these, and your partner shouldn't even ask you to. You're very clear that this is something you absolutely will not do, no matter what.
• Soft Limits: You really hate this activity, and would strongly prefer never to do it, but you might be open to it eventually with some time and work. If this is really important to your partner, you are open to considering it.

You want to be clear what are hard limits and what are soft limits. For example, for me right now, vaginal rape is a hard limit. It scares me too much and reminds me too much of past abuse in my life. This wouldn't be fun, or sexy, or even dangerous in a good way, but simply wreck who I am inside and show me my Dom could never be trusted. On the other hand, anal fingering is a soft limit for me. I hate it, and would never, ever want to do it on my own, and honestly it completely grosses me out. But if my Dom just really wants to do it, as long as he understands I hate it and would prefer not to do it, I'm willing to shut up and let him do what he wants. For me, that is the difference.

Here are some good BDSM checklists I found:

Checklist by BDSM Resource Center: fill it out online, then print or email the results

Checklist by Latches: copy and paste the chart, then print a hard copy to fill out and share

Checklist by Soul's Haven: print the chart, then fill it out by hand

BDSM Identity Crisis... my ramblings

I'm finding myself afraid of BDSM lately.

My Dom wants to play, and part of me thinks, "Yes! Finally, yay!" and most of me shrinks back and changes the subject or pretends I didn't hear or says no.

Then I wonder why I do that, since most of the time it is me who is complaining about how he never wants to dominate me and how can I feel dominated when it is only once or twice a month?I get so mad at him for not being strong and dominating most of the time. To me, being "a Dom" for one or two evenings a month is not being a Dom at all, it is playing. And there is nothing wrong with playing! There are lots of people who don't do BDSM 24/7, but just dabble in it in the bedroom or sometimes, when it is convenient or fun. We definitely fall into that category. But to me, it doesn't feel real. It feels like playing. "Okay, you pretend to be submissive to me and I'll pretend to be strong enough to dominate you. Go!" And then at the end of the scene, we end up right back to where we were before: a strong, independent woman and a complacent, pleasing man.

There's nothing wrong with playing. But I want more! I hate feeling like our BDSM dynamic is just a pretend game we both play. I can't get into it like it's real. I pretend, and for a moment I believe, but then later I am sad again. Nearly every time I get tired or high, I feel an overwhelming need to be dominated in MOST of my life, and I resent him for only doing it every once it a while. Yet I don't want him to be a commandeering asshole. I want him to lead through quiet, unshakable strength. I want more!

Yet sometimes I don't want more. When we tried rules and structure (completely my idea), I freaked out and bailed. When we tried CDD, I was so turned on by the idea of it---a strong man leading me, protecting me, guiding me, having power over me? Hot! I wanted it. I yearned for it. But when we tried it, reality sat in and I bailed. I called it off. I was too scared. I feared he'd just disappoint me and go back to being his normal not-dominating self. This is my issue, but it scared me.

Also, he seems to think that for us to have a fulltime D/s dynamic, I need to be more submissive. On the other hand, I think he needs to be more dominant. I don't want to bow down and pretend to be weak so he can rule me. I want him to swell with power and confidence so even my strongest is not as strong as him. I don't want to dampen my power and strength, pretend to be weak and submissive, and lessen myself so I'm under him. I want to be as strong and powerful as I can be, and know that he is man enough to top even that. I want him to rise to the occasion, not me shrink to it. I want to give a man my best, my all, my everything, and have it welcomed by him and yet still undeniably beaten by him. I don't want to submit, I want him to dominate.

Sometimes I think that I am not a sub. I think he wants a sub. Someone who doesn't expect him to be Great and Powerful and Awe-Inspiring, but who sees him and thinks he is that way already, without trying to be more than he is. And that is what I want. I want More Than He Is.

Doule (a Christian kinkster on Fetlife) had a very good post, a long time ago, about how labels help us identify people we have something in common with. Sharing a label doesn't mean you will have something in common, but it means you might. There is the potential for dialogue there. Maybe you talk and find out you don't have much in common, but if you identify as "sub" and so do I, we already know we are not "slaves," not "puppies," not "Mistresses," and not "vanilla." It gives us something to explore together and assume we might have something in common. Labels are good for that very reason.... they help us define, categorize, and seek similarities.

On the other hand, labels can be very confusing. Am I a "sub"? What does that mean? Labels can lead to steroetypes and confusing identities. My idea of sub is not necessarily your idea of a sub. That is why BDSM is, and should be, so focused on communication.

Am I a sub? Maybe not. Sometimes my Dom tells me, sounding resentful and petulant, that I'm not a sub. He uses that favorite catchphrase of Doms, "You're topping from the bottom." This makes me feel resentful toward him. When he says that, I feel like he's trying to blame me for something that I feel is his fault. He thinks I should be more submissive, and I think he should just be more dominating. I'd rather expect more out of him than expect less out of me. How could you be happy in a life where one of you was constantly asked to be less than your full potential? I know he loves me and doesn't see it that way, but I do.

So then I look at labels. Maybe I'm not a sub, because I'm not naturally submissive. I'm not a slave, because I don't identify as owned (sometimes I want to, but I've never met anyone I thought could dominate me 24/7 so I felt owned). I'm not a sex slave or service-minded submissive. Maybe I'm a bottom. But no, I don't really enjoy physical pain or spanking. I only like spanking or being beaten because it means I have fought and I am beaten. I don't enjoy the pain, but I like being dominated. I enjoy being tied up, gagged, and my hair pulled for the same reason. Sometimes I love to be called bad names and slapped, and other times (like last night) it just hurts my feelings. I like to be challenged, to have a male opponent worthy of my fight, who welcomes all I have to give and laughs and defeats me utterly anyway. Does that make me, as Jake'sKajira (another FetLife friend) once wrote a blog about, long for a predator/prey dynamic? Or as some Christian websites discuss, do I want a relationship like in Christian Domestic Discipline? I'm not sure. I don't want to kneel at his feet and serve him, but I'd be willing to do it if he could defeat me utterly. I'm not a submissive, but I want to be dominated. I like to be used, but I hate being used. I long to be defeated, but I hate to lose. It's complicated, right? I know.

What is the label for someone who does not want to submit, does not want to be owned, does not want to serve, but longs to be dominated?

I love languages, and I love labels. So of course I went to the wonderful Word Reference to try and find a way to define myself, to find out what puzzle piece I am so I know where I fit into the overall puzzle. It says To dominate: tower above, to master, to overcome. To rule, to hold sway, to prevail, to stand out. Yes! I don't always want it, but I often long for it. I want stars in my eyes as I look up at a man who has completely dominated and humbled the best I have to offer. Who sees me for the strong woman I am and cherishes that quality, but who has vanquished me completely anyway.

Word Reference can maybe help me find a label for myself. Not that I need one, but I'd feel better. I'd have a word for my identity, not a badly articulated three-page blog. In English, being "the dominated" or "one who is overcome" does not make sense. But in Spanish or French, two languages near and dear to my heart, I could be la dominada or la dominée. Maybe in English I could be "prey" or "Domme who is dominated," who knows? I don't identify as a Domme, but I am completely unwilling to make myself weaker so my husband can be a "Dom." I want the best of my strength against the best of his, and I want him to win.

I've told him that, and he asked me, "What if you are stronger than me?" I worry about the same thing. It means I will never be fulfilled and never have exactly what I want. I'm not even sure what I want, other than some vague idea of BDSM dynamics that come close, but I've never seen it exactly.

What if I am stronger than he is? That's scary for both of us. It means all we can ever do is play-act at BDSM. A few times a month, he'll pretend to be stronger than me and I'll pretend that's enough for me. I hate to live part of my life as a lie. He says that when he does try to Dom me, I complain about how he's doing it. It's true I have a longing and I'm not sure how to articulate it, except to tell him when he's NOT meeting what I want. But I'm not sure how to get what I want. And I'm not sure if it's what he wants. He's clear that me having another Dom is not an option, so it's this or nothing.

Do I pretend to be something I'm not (a submissive)? Or do I keep complaining until I get what I want (topping from the bottom)? Does the perfect BDSM relationship even exist?

Somehow, I need more.