Poly

Polyamorous relationships, often called poly for short, are so common in BDSM that they definitely bear mentioning here. In BDSM, the many kinksters are in some sort of poly relationship. Even in the vanilla world, poly is becoming a bigger trend as people question monogamy.

First, let me be clear that polyamory does not always mean sex. Polyamory literally means loving multiple people; polysexuality means being sexually involved with multiple people. People in poly relationships do not always have sex with others, because there are many other needs that could be met in such a relationship: need for attention, for affection, for time, for nurturing, for intimacy.

Now I'm not poly, and I believe that monogamy is the right way to do relationships. I think the New Testament writers were very clear that a man is expected to marry and cherish one woman, and those two must remain faithful to one another for life. However, I also know there are other Christians who interpret this differently, and I have met Christians involved in poly relationships. Do I think they're wrong? Yes. But poly is still an undeniable part of BDSM, and as such I feel it bears mentioning here.

There are many, many types of poly.

The most well-known is swinging, which often means just having multiple sex partners. Obviously, having a threesome or multiple sex partners is also called poly. But these relationships only mention sex, while most polygamists have a relationship based on more than sex.

People can practice poly many ways:

• One Master may have a household with multiple subs. These subs are called "sub sisters." Sometimes they entire "poly family" lives together and the two subs serve the Master.
• A dominant couple may take on a "third." The sub serves both as her Master and Mistress. The three of them develop a relationship that works for them. This is another type of poly family.
• Sometimes, a couple may decide to be poly, but not together as in the above example. So the husband may take another sub, but that sub has no real relationship with his wife. Likewise, the wife may take another Dom, but the husband and Dom don't play together or consider themselves in a relationship.
• People may decide they want a play partner. One or both people in a relationship may play with a regular "play partner," but the play partner does not live with them like in a poly family.
• Large groups of poly communities may have "co-husbands" and "co-wives." For example, if I am married to Bill and also married to James, they are co-husbands. They may not have any relationship with each other besides being acquaintances, but they share my time, energy, and love.
• Poly households can develop with multiple layers. For example, the Master may have a "First Sub" who is basically in charge of the other subs. This is similar to the harem setups of ancient times. For poly families that follow Gorean practice, the first slave is called the "Kajira."
• One person can be married to one and in a BDSM relationship with another. I've seen several examples where a woman has one Master and a different husband. Both know of each other and share her time, but she has vastly different relationships with each.

Of course, there are many variations on these relationships! You can find men who say they are married to one woman, a sub to another, a Master to another, and a sissy slave to another. You can see women who are owned by one man, married to another, and own a female slave. The possibilities are endless.

There can be as many variations as there are people. Some people find poly satisfies a need for many different relationships at once, without the constraints of monogamy. But of course, poly isn't easy. Issues crop up such as jealousy, insecurities, and conflicts of time/money. It also takes lots of energy to maintain several healthy relationships at once, because relationships take work! But in the end, each of the people involved is completely aware of all the others and consents to be there. (If one person isn't aware of the others, that isn't poly; that's called cheating.)

Biblically, I believe poly is a bad idea. In the Old Testament, marriage to multiple women (i.e. polygamy) was allowed, but sexual relationships without marriage (i.e. polyamory) were not. And by New Testament times, monogamy was assumed and preferred. I think modern-day poly just translates as fornication and orgies in biblical terms, and I would not recommend it. However, it is a major part of many kinksters' lives, and something you will definitely come across in the BDSM lifestyle.

Since I am not in a poly relationship, I can only give the basics. Would any readers out there like to see a guest interview by an active polygamorist? If so, I can definitely try to track one down! Just let me know. :)