My Core: Journal Prompt for Submissives/Slaves

My Core

1. Your core is who you are. Who are you?

2. What makes you feel joy, pain, fear, excitement?

3. What part of you is most touched or healed by submission?

4. What part of you is most challenged or repulsed?

5. When you share your core with someone, in the right hands, it thrives. In the wrong hands, it withers. What makes your core thrive? What makes it wither?

6. What do you do, if anything, to keep tabs on your core, so that you may be growing and evolving, but not changing or compromising it for someone? What internal measuring sticks do you utilize to keep your inner being in tact while submitting, and how do you communicate it to your dominant/master/etc. if you feel you are being compromised?

7. Do you protect your core? Do you feel you need to? And if you do, what measures do you take to do so?

G-Twist Vibe

I got to review the G-Twist Vibe from Good Vibrations. Not only do these vibes come in a host of fun colors (mine was dark blue, my favorite!), but they definitely live up to their name: they hit the G-spot, and the twisted ribbing around the shaft gives much more sensation than the poor attempts for texture seen in many other vibes.

While I still don't love any vibe as much as my trusted rabbit vibe, the G-Twist was a fun break and served to warm me up wonderfully.

The curved tip provides G-spot stimulation, while the vibe is really quiet. It works on two AA batteries and goes from mild stimulation to more intense. If you need to start with a smaller vibration and work your way up to more (like me!), this is a good feature that some other vibes won't have.

Of course, anything that runs on battery power isn't going to be as powerful as the more expensive electric plug-in vibrators such as the Hitachi Magic Wand. I'd say this vibe ranges from light intensity to medium, but it never does reach what I'd call a high-intensity vibration, even when compared to some of my other battery-powered vibes.

One thing I did really appreciate about the G-Twist is its soft, squishy material and flexible shaft. One thing I hate about vibrators is, after looking forward to receiving them in the mail, they end up being made of such hard plastic that it is painful to use them. However, the G-Twist has a soft silicone body that won't injure your sensitive spots even with vigorous thrusting. I was doubly pleased that this shaft is flexible and can bend with your body, since I tend to contort my body in all sorts of strange ways when near orgasm and hate vibrators that won't bend with me, or worse, cause pain when I move. I've even broken a vibe in the past doing this, much to my dismay. Thankfully, this vibe won't break even if you move around a lot with it; it just molds to your body and bends with you.

Oh, and one more thing: the vibrator's description says it has a "strategically placed clit ridge," which had me all happy and excited because I find it difficult to orgasm without inside and outside stimulation. However, I'm a pretty normal height (5'5 1/2") so I assume I have a pretty normal body size, but the shaft was too long for the clit ridge to come anywhere near to resting against my clit. So get this vibrator if you like internal stimulation and lots of ridged textures on the inside, but don't count on the clit ridge hitting you in the right spot on the outside.

If you're curious to read more reviews or see a description, swing by Good Vibrations and check out the G-Twist, available for $64 plus shipping and handling.

Clover Nipple Clamps

I had the opportunity to review these clover nipple clamps last week. How did they measure up?

Love them, love them, love them!

First, these clamps are so sexy yet terrifying at the same time. As soon as my Dom put them on me, I was hooked. These clamps hook tightly to the nipples, giving me a much more intense and painful sensation than the plastic clothespins we used to use.

My partner liked them too, saying he appreciated how cold they were against my skin and how that made me shiver in anticipation. He also liked how he had better control of the clamps because he could just grab the chain and tug if the pain was starting to subside for me. This made the clamps tighten so we never got bored, and it also helped because he could tighten both clamps simultaneously instead of having to fidget with one at a time.

Plus, I felt damn sexy with that chain hanging down between my breasts.

The down side? First, they hurt--a lot--so they aren't a good idea to just whip out on a partner who has never tried nipple pain before. Also, these clover clamps eventually have to be taken off---and trust me, if they've been on for very long, the pain when you suddenly remove them is un-be-liev-able. The first time we used them and took them off, I was in such agony I thought my nipples were going to be out of commission for days (they weren't, of course). But by the next day, they were fine and I was craving more of the clover clamps... only this time, I quickly reminded my partner to take them off after a few minutes of play.

I like these clamps because they're more attractive than many other types of clamps (to me), made of simple metal and therefore easy to clean, and give a lot meaner "bite" than a lot of the so-called "BDSM and bondage" toys you find in a lot of sex shops... it's always disappointing when the "BDSM" section turns to be a bunch of fuzzy handcuffs and some light paddles. These are actually a real BDSM toy that give a real BDSM sensation--awesome! I also like them because they can be used on both men and women.

I am sure I'll be using these clover clamps for some time to come. I was never that into nipple pain before, but I'm growing to like it more and more the more I try it!

For anyone interested in some sexy nipple clamps, I'd recommend you head on over to Babeland and order these clover clamps, available for $24 plus shipping and handling.

Our CDD Trial Period

This week, my Dom and I have decided to try CDD (Christian Domestic Discipline). I was very nervous about this since I adore the theory of it and find CDD to be very sexy to read about and contemplate, but whenever we've tried it I've always flipped out and backed out.

If you're not sure what Christian Domestic Discipline is, check out my blog series on it.

Anyway, we agreed to try CDD. I have slowly begun to trust my Dom to lead me more, both as a man, a dom, and especially as a Christian. I still wasn't sure I wanted to give up total control, but in the end it seemed safe enough to do--for a few days, at least.

This will be the third time we've tried this. The first time, when I was still in France, I was so terribly turned on by all the reading I'd done about CDD that I couldn't wait to try it. (I even made an emergency trip to a European sex shop for the occasion!) We talked it out and discussed CDD in depth. My Dom and I even made a list of our expectations, rules for me and responsibilities for him, plus very specific instructions for what punishments I could expect. We mutually agreed upon in and were about to start incorporating CDD into our lives... when I flipped out. I panicked--utterly panicked. I started to hyperventilate and protest that he wasn't enough of a leader, I was an adult woman, he had no right to control me, etc, etc, etc. We abandoned the effort before it began.

The same thing happened the second time.

My Dom wisely waited it out without pressuring me, knowing I'd been the one attracted to it in the first place and I'd probably come back again.

Finally, last night, we decided to try it. I was still very nervous and gun-shy, so I insisted we only do it for three days. He agreed, and our trial period is going on now.

So far, it's gone well. Our lives haven't changed much, really. But now when I do something disrespectful or mean, I get a spanking at the end of the night. I've found it to not be too bad... in fact it's quite pleasant! For one, I have accountability. For another, my Dom is actually being consistent this time around, something he didn't do as much before, and I feel safe and secure inside my new boundaries (this is paramount for a sub feeling safe to submit). And finally, the spanking is pretty darn sexy.

I can handle it because my Dom isn't spanking me when he's angry or to get back at me, which is how it appeared to me before (when I bailed). He is sure to stay very calm and loving as he tells me what my punishment is. Even though I pout, I feel safe that he has noticed and is keeping me within my boundaries; his consistency reassures me. And I feel tight inside as he describes to me how he's going to spank me and why I'm being punished. I feel loved and sexy as he gently lays me over his lap, embarrassed and turned on as he lowers my pajama bottoms to uncover my behind as though I'm a little child. It still feels fair since he asks me what I've done wrong and if I have any rebuttals about the fairness of the punishment---I can complain if I feel I'm being treated unfairly somehow. I feel small as I'm spanked, and afterward I pout and enjoy feeling small and powerless and he holds me and rubs my aching bum. In the end, we feel closer, I feel small and submissive, we both feel turned on, and I feel safe and loved. We both win.

This is going on for one more day, so we'll see how our "CDD trial run" goes!

Advice Column Tackles BDSM

I thought this advice columnist about explaining your BDSM activities to nosy or concerned friends and family gave the girl in question some wonderful advice. If you're interested to read the rest of the advice column, click here. Scroll down to Washington, D.C. to see the one about BDSM, but there are several others on the page. The advice about BDSM I've also copied and pasted here:

Washington, D.C.: My live-in boyfriend and I have been together for three years,
and our sexual activity tends to be a bit ... unorthodox. Both of us are into
BDSM, which (on occasion) leaves bruises and marks on whoever is "subbing" that
night. These activities are mutually fulfilling, completely consensual, and
always done safely and sanely (safewords, aftercare, etc.). Unfortunately, a
friend of mine with whom I work out has noticed a number of bruises and the
occasional mark when I've changed in front of her. Of course, now she thinks I'm
stuck in an abusive relationship. For the last few weeks, she's been referring
me to literature on abuse, calling me at odd hours to make sure I'm OK, etc.
Whenever I start to insist that, no, this isn't what she thinks, she assumes
that I'm just being defensive and validating her concerns. I don't feel
comfortable giving the details of my sex life to her or explaining that if she
were to see my boyfriend, he would look much the same. But I also don't want my
friend to think that my loving, understanding, admittedly kinky boyfriend is
harming me, and that I need help out of the relationship. How can I defuse my
friend's concern while still keeping my private life, well, private?

Emily Yoffe: You don't need to give her the details, but short of
telling her, "If you don't stop, I'm going to be tempted to flog you with a
whip—because that's what 'Sam' and I do for fun," you have to get a little more
explicit to get her off your back. Next time she brings it up say, "I understand
your concerns, and I know you think I'm covering something up, but Sam and I
engage in unorthodox, mutually satisfying activities that aren't for everyone,
but are for us. Please accept that I am completely in control of my personal
life, and I appreciate your caring, but this subject is closed."

Submission through God

Yesterday, my Dom and I were having a talk about God, sex, BDSM, and the Bible.



Yes, all those topics were the same conversation.



Well, I'm that type of female who gets more turned on by talking then by doing. I've always been this way. I can read and research some BDSM technique for days and get far more hot than if my Dom had actually done it to me. I get more turned on by him whispering into my ear the things he wants to do to me than by actually doing the physical things themselves---just ask him sometime about a train ride in France. (It took us two hours to get home, and since we were on a train we settled for talking about what he wanted to do to me and writing down nasty names for him to call me. The end result was that, after all that talking, I was so incredibly turned on that I came immediately upon being touched once we got home, and that NEVER happens just from physical stimulation!)



We were discussing the difference in submission for a Christian woman as opposed to a sub or slave from a different religion. I was trying to share with him that, for me, it might be easier if he used terminology such as ezer, doule, handmaiden, and helpmeet, because those are terms that bear directly to my life and that I'm familiar with and comfortable with. Those are terms that mean something to me, terms I'm friends with and know what to do with, terms I've been acquainted with for years and already incorporated into my self-identity and my faith. On the other hand, terms such as sub, slave, Master, and submit, when taken in their purely secular forms, are fairly new to me and I struggle more with them.



I'd never thought about this before. But I knew that often, I had trouble "submitting." Other women who are subs or slaves seemed to do it so easily, just casting aside their "self" and submitting to a man. As a secular woman, this is foreign to me. I'm smart, educated, savvy, well-traveled, and self-confident. I struggled so much with casting aside myself just for the benefit of my equally imperfect, equally human Dom.



But to submit through Christ.... ahh, that was a concept I could sink my teeth into! To submit not as a secular woman, but as a Christian woman, a beloved of Christ, a handmaiden of the Lord, a servant and daughter of the One True God---that, I could do. It had never occurred to me until I read a blog by a fellow Christian submissive woman (more on that later), but once I read it, something clicked.



My Dom and I retired to bed and he "squished my head" (one of my most frequent requests, because I love to feel confined and safe) while I felt as safe as I needed to and he waited. When I was ready, I began to explain to him my new thoughts and revelations. I halting explained that while as a secular woman, submission was foreign, new, and unpracticed for me, if he could make me see that submission as linked to our faith, a new facet of submission would be opened to us. I told him that submitting to him, not because he's a man or a Dom, but because he's my spiritual head, caretaker of my soul, and the one responsible for my wellbeing and that of my children---that kind of submission, submission not to him but to God through him, that kind of submission I could do.



And as we talked and I opened my heart and he received it, I started to feel good. I began to get turned on.... I started to feel calm, drowsy, and dreamy, a welcome return to subspace after a frustrating inability to reach it for months and months... I started to feel closer to God than I had in a while and subsequently, closer to him. I suddenly realized that it had been struggle for me to try to reconcile being a kinster and a Christian, two identities I'd tried to keep separate but also tried to force together like two opposing magnets. And the struggle melted away as I realized I didn't have to be two opposing identities, but one complementary one: a Christian submissive. Not a secular submissive who also tried to be Christian, but a Christian submissive.



To submit to my Dom because he said so? Difficult. But to submit to my Dom the way I'd submitted before to my God, not because a human told me to but because my Lord and God called me to it in Ephesians 5:22? That I could do. I felt at peace, I felt loved, and I felt calm and turned on.



The most beautiful scene ensued.



I'm not sure how it happened; I asked my Dom how he read me so well and he said, "I just did." He couldn't explain it, but suddenly he seemed to be so much more in tune with me than normal. Usually, I feel like I'm in the scene wanting one thing, and he's doing the scene another way. Today, something in the air clicked.



I felt dreamy and like I wanted to submit to him. I wanted to submit to him because I loved him and because I loved God. Rather than him having to fight and force me into submission, I laid there, calm and serene. I felt needy and vulnerable, so I was unhappy when he tried to force me to do things; I wanted him to treat me gently like the husband in Ephesians 5:25-28. And so he was commanding, but not bossy; strong, but not forceful. He told me simply what he wanted and asked me to please do it. He stated his desires clearly: "I want you to bare your breasts to me. I want to use these clamps and I want you to hurt." His words turned me on even more as I dreamily obeyed and bared my most sensitive parts to his pain.



The metal chain was cold on my chest. I felt sexy with the chain dripping down between my nipples. I felt strong as I withstood the pain. I felt loved as he hurt me in ways I wanted to be hurt. I felt victorious as I took the pain for him and knew that this pleased him. I felt obedient as I thought about my Dom leading me to the Lord as my appointed spiritual head on Earth. I felt grateful that he wanted to hurt me and lead me in all the ways I wanted.



He gently turned me over and began to spank me. Feeling as calm and relaxed as I did, the paddle did not hurt as much as it had before, and I was able to take the pain and absorb it. Somehow, he read me perfectly. Sometimes I had to take deep breaths and remind myself not to tense up and fight the pain, but mostly I stayed calm and limp. In between spanks he rubbed my back and told me how great I was doing, how strong I was, and how pleased with me he was. It made me happy in the most frivolous way, and I beamed as I enjoyed my wondeful back massage.



The next time he spanked me, it felt good. Instead of raising the intensity each spank like he normally did, he got me to a new place--a wonderful place on the perfect knife's edge balance between pleasure and pain, a place where I moaned with pleasure as I absorbed the pain--and kept me there. He maintained the same level of strikes, and he could have stayed there forever and I'd have been happy. Instead, he raised the level a bit more to push me. He must have felt very connected to me, because just when the pain was becoming too much and I started to think that one more was going to be too much, he stopped.



We stayed that way, alternating between spanks and back rubs, until it was time to go pick a friend up from the airport.



I felt so dreamy and safe during that scene. I wanted him to keep feeding my spiritual, submissive side, talking about BDSM and the Bible and Godly submission on the way to the airport. Instead, life cut in and I had to come back out of my head, start thinking and analyzing and worrying and planning again. I wistfully wished I could go back to our bedroom and my "safe place."



I hope this is a new beginning for me and for us.... a new journey, not struggling toward the unachievable secular submission, but now flowing toward a Godly submission commanded by the Bible, inspired by Christ Jesus, and directed toward God and my Dom.... first to and through the human, and ultimately to the Lord.

Codependency and BDSM

Many people feel that D/s relationships, especially Master/slave ones where a slave is completely emotionally, physically, and financially dependent on one person, are unhealthy and that ever-popular word, "codependent." We're not really sure what "codependent" means (even the psychiatrists aren't sure---they each have a different definition!), but we're sure it means not being independent enough and being too closely melded with one other person.

My question is, is that a bad thing?

I often worry that my relationship with my fiance (both vanilla and BDSM) is codependent.

Why do I worry about this? Because when I have strong feelings, such as jealousy, guilt, or a need for him to love me and only me, it is then followed by guilt telling me I'm codependent. Is this because I'm codependent? Or is it because a counselor once told me I was codependent? Does that make me MORE codependent? Hmmm.

Below are some questions I've taken from other sites, along with my own personal answers. Feel free to copy and paste these questions into your own blog or journal if you feel so inclined.

Codependency Questions:

• Am I sacrificing my identity, desires, or needs to make the other person feel good about themselves or to keep the peace? No, if anything I jump too quickly and vehemently to my own defense because I am so used to doing this in the past with my mother. It causes me to take NO crap from my Dom.
• Am I expecting my behavior to make me feel loved and or accepted? Yes. It seems unreasonable to me that someone would love me even if I were mean, nasty, negative, nagging, and did no nice things for them. So I do things to try to make him happy so he feels in love with me still.
• Am I trying to "manipulate" the other person to do or feel the way I think is appropriate? Sure, I will often fight with him, punish him, or give the silent treatment because I want him to feel or act a certain way. Isn't this what all fights are about---changing a person's actions/feelings because you don't agree with them?
• Am I being compliant with the other person's desires just to keep peace even when I don't agree or want to participate in the particular activity? Nope, never do this! lol
• Am I agreeing with the person so that I won't be rejected? Nope, never do this either!
• Is my happiness bound up in what the other person thinks about what I say or do? Absolutely. If my Dom weren't happy with a decision I made or something I said/did, I'd be crushed. I worry constantly about what he and other people think.
  
  From http://www.nmha.org/go/codependency
• 1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments? No, lol, I had enough of that in my childhood and have become quite the little fighter! I'm ferocious! (smiles)
• 2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you? Yes, I worry all the time about this. Even people I hate and am mad at, I worry if they might be mad at me. I worry about why people don't like me. I worry that my friends don't actually like me for who I am and just hang out with me from habit or because they feel sorry for me. I worry that my parents like my brother more and think he's better than me. I worry that people at work are judging me behind my back. When I try to make a new friend, I worry I'm anoying them by being too forward or pushy or talking about myself too much. With old friends, I worry I annoy them by calling too much or talking about my life too much. Even when my best friend doesn't call for a few days I worry I've made him mad or he no longer wants to be friends. But I don't tend to worry so much about my Dom's opinion of me, because I know he loves me no matter what.
• 3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem? No.
• 4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you? Yes, my mother!
• 5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own? I try not to make them so, but sometimes they are. In my head I'll tell myself it's stupid, I shouldn't care about their opinion, and to screw it, but I keep worrying uncontrollably about it anyway. My head tries to stop it but my emotions take over.
• 6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home? Not sure what this means exactly...
• 7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends? Yes. I feel very insecure and jealous when my Dom is with family or friends. I'm afraid if I don't have him under my watchful eye, he'll have more fun without me and stop needing me or realize I'm not as great as he thought before and I'll lose a part of his heart.
• 8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be? I used to, but not anymore.
• 9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others? Not with my Dom, but with friends and family I worry that I will offend them if I need to say something negative. I still try to be strong and tell them, however.
• 10. Have you ever felt inadequate? Sure, who hasn't? Are they trying to say feeling occasionally inadequate makes someone codependent?!
• 11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake? It depends on the mistake. If it's a small mistake that has to do with forgetting to do something, no. But if it's a mistake that has to do with disappointing someone, yes!!! Getting bad evaluations or angering my Dom or anything where people are not happy with my performance makes me feel miserable, like a failure and an awful person.
• 12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts? No, I love them! :)
• 13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake? Yes, when my Dom does something like make an awkward joke in public I feel very embarrassed by him.
• 14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts? No, I think they are all mostly healthy, happy people! I used to surround myself with less healthy people, but not longer.
• 15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done? No, my Dom does amazingly at this!
• 16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss? Nope!
• 17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life? Well, I do tend to drift from job to job, but I know who I am with no problem. It is more what I want from life and where I'm going professionally that I'm not sure about.
• 18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help? I used to, and I still feel guilty, but now I'm great at saying "No!" to people when I don't want to do something---in fact, my mother would say I'm too independent and focused on pleasing myself!
• 19. Do you have trouble asking for help? Not from people I trust.
• 20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them? No, I've become a good time manager and I keep myself from getting too overloaded.
  
  From http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/codependency.htm
• Do you find yourself making decisions based on other people's opinions? Often, yes. But I don't want to! It frustrates me that I can't tune out their opinions even when I WANT to. So for big things, such as my job or wedding planning, I often make the decision without asking opinions from my mom or someone else who I know I'll just let bowl me over.
• Is it important to you that people like you and want to be your friend? Absolutely! I want EVERYONE to like me! My Dom is not like this and is okay with the fact that some people don't like him, and I wish I could be like that, but I'm not.
• Do you have a strong desire to help others, but deep down you know you do it so that they will like or love you? Yes, I caught myself doing this the other day---I helped my good friend with her wedding stuff, but mostly it was because I was hurt she didn't pick me to be her maid of honor and I wanted to "prove" that I should be her maid of honor. However, I don't do this for my Dom---I know he loves me no matter what, which is why I'm often lazy and let him to the lion's share of cleaning, cooking, doing favors, shopping, and taking care of me. I know I don't have to be the Selfless, Giving Wonder with him and I can be my selfish, wants-to-be-pampered-for-once self and he'll still love me. I'm lucky!
• Do you seem to notice everyone else's problems and have a need to tell them what you think they should do to solve them? No, not so much. I certainly have opinions, and I'll give them once, but then I let the person make his own mistakes and stop pushing.
• Do you feel anxious, angry or upset when people don't do things you want them to do, or do things the way you want them to do them? Yes, of course! I put a lot of thought into the "right" way to do things, so once I have it figured out I feel my Dom should do it that way! :) I'm also pretty OCD so I feel stressed if things change or aren't done the "right" way or the way I expect.
• Do you find yourself in relationships where you do all the giving and the other person does all the taking? Not anymore.... those sucked!
• Are you involved in activities that demand all of your time and energy and you are neglecting your family or yourself? No, I put myself first and my family next and everything else comes after.

Interesting questions! :)

10% Off Blog Contest!!!

This week, to celebrate the end of summer and mourn the return to school and work, I'm having a contest on my blog. One reader who leaves a comment will be awarded a coupon for 10% on sex toys and BDSM merchandise.

You don't have to read my blog. You simply have to tell me something about yourself that proves to me why I should give you a 10% off coupon to Babeland Toy Store.

I have a coupon for 10% off from Babeland's online toy store than I am offering to any reader who leaves a comment and gives me the most convincing reason why you need/deserve/want ten percent off from a sex toy store!

You can buy sex toys, vibes, dildos, condoms, lube, handcuffs, paddles, and other bondage gear at Babeland, so whatever you're interested in, they'll probably have it!

Tell me what you're lusting after and why you want the 10% off. Give me your sob story or your convincing reason. With the economy so bad, it shouldn't be hard. The most convincing person (or, if only one person participates, he or she will be the obvious winner!) will receive a coupon code for 10% off any Babeland online merchandise.

I'll announce the winner in one week (August 18, 2009).

Obviously, if you participate, you need to let me know how I can reach you to give you the code. If you don't want your contact info posted, feel free to send me a private email at Sexperts.SM@gmail.com.

Also, I am super excited because I've just received clover nipple clamps! I can't wait to try them out! :) Look back here for a review later this week!

Blood Play

Blood play is a particular fetish that relates blood to sexual arousal. While it is considered edge play because it obviously carries the risk of diseases, with a monogamous partner this should not be a problem.

Humans seem fascinated with bodily fluids. I've heard of fetishes for blood, urine, feces, cum--basically everything except vomit. (Who knows? There may be a fetish for that, too!) Using cum or urine during BDSM scenes is the most common, but while wandering the online halls of the BDSM mansion you'll find some references to blood play.

Blood play is a fairly obvious fetish that doesn't need a lot of explaining. People get kicks out of incorporating blood into their scenes. Sometimes this has to do with the pain involved, so "pain sluts" (subs who enjoy pain) and their Tops will enjoy this. It isn't about the blood, but causing pain and leaving a mark. This can be as simple as a needle prick or a small cut. Making the victim bleed shows the Tops power and the sub's helplessness.

Blood play can get more intricate, of course. Some people get turned on by making love to a woman while she is on her period. Others taste or drink the blood of their victim, almost like playing at being vampires.

When I looked online for more info, most of the blood fetish sites had more to do with vampirism than with BDSM, but you can find some BDSMers into it as well.

If the idea of using a knife on your sub until there is a thin trickle of blood running down his back turns you on, you might be interested in blood play. If you think it would be sexy to frighten your slave with a needle and then lick the drop of blood, or if it turns you on to think about having sex with your wife when she's on her period, this fetish might be for you!

For more info, see:

• Wiki on blood fetishism
• Vampirism

In other news, I have a 10% off from Babeland's online toy store than I am offering to any reader who leaves a comment and gives me the most convincing reason why you need/deserve/want ten percent off from a sex toy store! You can buy sex toys, vibes, dildos, condoms, lube, handcuffs, paddles, and other bondage gear at Babeland, so whatever you're interested in, they'll probably have it! Tell me what you're lusting after and why you want the 10% off. The most convincing person (or, if only one person participates, that lucky poster!) will receive a code for 10% any Babeland online merchandise. I'll announce the winner in one week (August 18, 2009). Obviously, if you participate, you need to let me know how I can reach you to give you the code. If you don't want your contact info posted, feel free to send me a private email.

Also, I am super excited because I've just received clover nipple clamps! I can't wait to try them out! :) Look back here for a review later this week!

Poly

Polyamorous relationships, often called poly for short, are so common in BDSM that they definitely bear mentioning here. In BDSM, the many kinksters are in some sort of poly relationship. Even in the vanilla world, poly is becoming a bigger trend as people question monogamy.

First, let me be clear that polyamory does not always mean sex. Polyamory literally means loving multiple people; polysexuality means being sexually involved with multiple people. People in poly relationships do not always have sex with others, because there are many other needs that could be met in such a relationship: need for attention, for affection, for time, for nurturing, for intimacy.

Now I'm not poly, and I believe that monogamy is the right way to do relationships. I think the New Testament writers were very clear that a man is expected to marry and cherish one woman, and those two must remain faithful to one another for life. However, I also know there are other Christians who interpret this differently, and I have met Christians involved in poly relationships. Do I think they're wrong? Yes. But poly is still an undeniable part of BDSM, and as such I feel it bears mentioning here.

There are many, many types of poly.

The most well-known is swinging, which often means just having multiple sex partners. Obviously, having a threesome or multiple sex partners is also called poly. But these relationships only mention sex, while most polygamists have a relationship based on more than sex.

People can practice poly many ways:

• One Master may have a household with multiple subs. These subs are called "sub sisters." Sometimes they entire "poly family" lives together and the two subs serve the Master.
• A dominant couple may take on a "third." The sub serves both as her Master and Mistress. The three of them develop a relationship that works for them. This is another type of poly family.
• Sometimes, a couple may decide to be poly, but not together as in the above example. So the husband may take another sub, but that sub has no real relationship with his wife. Likewise, the wife may take another Dom, but the husband and Dom don't play together or consider themselves in a relationship.
• People may decide they want a play partner. One or both people in a relationship may play with a regular "play partner," but the play partner does not live with them like in a poly family.
• Large groups of poly communities may have "co-husbands" and "co-wives." For example, if I am married to Bill and also married to James, they are co-husbands. They may not have any relationship with each other besides being acquaintances, but they share my time, energy, and love.
• Poly households can develop with multiple layers. For example, the Master may have a "First Sub" who is basically in charge of the other subs. This is similar to the harem setups of ancient times. For poly families that follow Gorean practice, the first slave is called the "Kajira."
• One person can be married to one and in a BDSM relationship with another. I've seen several examples where a woman has one Master and a different husband. Both know of each other and share her time, but she has vastly different relationships with each.

Of course, there are many variations on these relationships! You can find men who say they are married to one woman, a sub to another, a Master to another, and a sissy slave to another. You can see women who are owned by one man, married to another, and own a female slave. The possibilities are endless.

There can be as many variations as there are people. Some people find poly satisfies a need for many different relationships at once, without the constraints of monogamy. But of course, poly isn't easy. Issues crop up such as jealousy, insecurities, and conflicts of time/money. It also takes lots of energy to maintain several healthy relationships at once, because relationships take work! But in the end, each of the people involved is completely aware of all the others and consents to be there. (If one person isn't aware of the others, that isn't poly; that's called cheating.)

Biblically, I believe poly is a bad idea. In the Old Testament, marriage to multiple women (i.e. polygamy) was allowed, but sexual relationships without marriage (i.e. polyamory) were not. And by New Testament times, monogamy was assumed and preferred. I think modern-day poly just translates as fornication and orgies in biblical terms, and I would not recommend it. However, it is a major part of many kinksters' lives, and something you will definitely come across in the BDSM lifestyle.

Since I am not in a poly relationship, I can only give the basics. Would any readers out there like to see a guest interview by an active polygamorist? If so, I can definitely try to track one down! Just let me know. :)

Come On Command

A new fetish I've been learning about is called Come on Command, sometimes seen shortened to CoC.

This is one of thos fetishes that sounds just delightful to everyone who hears it. After all, orgasms are good = more orgasms are better. Who doesn't want to be able to come on command?


Basically, ths fetish takes a lot of training to do. It's hard work, both for the Dom and the sub, but many people find it worthwhile! (wink, wink). Come on command works just the way it sounds: the Dom conditions the sub to orgasm based on a specific verbal command.


Anyone who's trained dogs or children can tell you that conditioning is a lot of work and takes a lot of time. (Think Pavlov's dogs.) Especially since orgasms are so physical, it can be difficult to train a sub's brain so that they become completely psychological, but it's possible!

If you want to train your sub to Come on Command, be prepared to be patient, persistent, and consistent. Your task is to make your sub associate orgasming so strongly with a certain command you give him, that eventually the command alone will suffice to come.

Interested? Here's how:

1. First, decide upon your "cue." It needs to be the same word, delivered in the same tone and volume every time. You must be consistent!
2. Deny your sub orgasms for a while. Some tops spend weeks or months teasing and tormenting their subs, bringing them to the brink of orgasms every time, but never letting them fulfill it.
3. Allow your sub to orgasm, but only after you've delivered your "cue".
4. Keep the pattern of denial, completed by orgasming upon command, going.
5. Eventually, stop pleasuring your sub right before orgasm and utter the command. If he orgasms, give lots of positive praise. If he doesn't, utter the command and physically bring him to orgasm again to continue the training.
6. Repeat #s 3-5 as needed.

What are some of the pros of CoC? Obviously, it's hot. Many men and women are fascinated by the idea of being able to orgasm (or make someone orgasm) simply by a verbal command or physical cue (such as a face slap). And it's a delicious and powerful form of control for the top.

What are some of the cons of CoC? People tend to assumethere are no cons to something that sounds so cool as orgasm by command, but there are. First, it may not be possible for everyone, and it very difficult to train a sub to do. It takes lots of time, patience, consistency, and dedication. If you and your spouse get frustrated by the initial failures it could cause problems and unhappiness in your relationship. Also, it can be a dangerous kind of power. Because a sub is trained to orgasm at a certain word, tone, and facial expression from his Domme, he can lose the ability to come any other way--without the cue, on his own, or with someone else. Should the relationship end, the sub who is trained to orgasm with one Domme may find it impossible to come alone or with a new Domme.

Review: Under the Bed Restraints

Hello and we're back with another review!! This under-the-bed restraint set from Babeland is my newest kinky find. I really enjoyed them!

The first plus is the set's ease of use, both for "put up" and "tear down" time. Like the door jam cuffs, I like these because my Dom and I have lots of friends and family members over who are not kink friendly, so we can't exactly have dungeon implements and permanent restraints drilled into our walls. So we use lots of restraints and handcuffs that are easy to use and just as easy to make disappear into a drawer.

These under-the-bed restraints do that, and they are the only temporary restraints we own that allow for total immobilization. Since I'm the one who loves playing with bondage (pain is more his style!), I was very excited to try them. We have a few sets of handcuffs, but none that attach to my ankles.

The cuffs were comfy on my wrists and ankles, with no pain even when I pulled and--at one point--flipped myself completely over. I was worried the adjustable velcro on the cuffs wouldn't hold, but it did. I do have fairly small wrists, and the cuffs were almost too big to fit me, but by pulling them tight my Dom made it work. If you or your partner has exceptionally tiny wrists, these might not fit.

My Dom got the cuffs set up under the bed in no time. First he secured my wrists. I was waiting, but not too patiently, because as soon as he fastened my ankle cuffs, I whined, "These ropes are too long; I can still move!" I pulled on the ropes to demonstrate. With a sigh, my Dom grabbed the adjustable straps (that I hadn't noticed) and said, "The people who made these are smart, sweetie. Just wait." He pulled, and the straps adjusted just as quickly and easily as backpack straps that work the same way do, and suddenly our under-the-bed restraint was a perfect fit for me: my hands and ankles were all tied, in a comfortably tight position!

The only downside of these cuffs is the same downside of any bondage gear: you can't use it too long or your partner's hands/feet will lose circulation. When using bondage, check every few minutes to make sure your partner's hands aren't getting cold, because that's the first sign. And trust me, freezing and numb hands make it impossible to concentrate on a scene.

Overall, I found these cuffs to be comfortable, easy to use and adjust, and effective. I loved being restrained at both my wrists and ankles, not just my wrists. And for my Dom, it was easier to spank me when I had only limited mobility and couldn't wriggle away!

The cuffs are removable and made of fabric for easy cleaning, and the set is adjustable so it fits any mattress size. The best part? It's easy to put away completely, leaving no traces that you have to awkwardly try to explain away to your mother-in-law next time she visits and wanders into your room. Click here to purchase the cuffs or learn more, and check out Babeland's newest deal: a free bottle of lubricant if you purchase their new music-activated vibrator, Freestyle!