Punishment is the Antithesis of Bitterness

I was thinking the other day that punishment is sometimes a lot better than the alternative.

Sometimes in a marriage negative feelings will build up. Someone will start to get bitter, hateful, or testy. Unforgiveness and bitterness can be poison to a relationship. But it can be hard to let go and just let bygones be bygones.

I think punishment helps my Dom keep away from that. Instead of becoming bitter and withdrawn over an issue that's been bugging him, a punishment and frank talk allows us to get the air cleared between us. Instead of him being unforgiving and trying to "get even" with me, which is never healthy for a relationship and is also against the Bible, it lets him vent his frustrations in a constructive way.

I've talked before on here about how I think punishment helps me avoid bitterness and distance. But it just occurred to me how it might help him.

Normally, I am more prone to unforgiveness. In me, it leads to distance, silence, testing, and sulkiness. But in him, it leads to fights or him being cruel or unkind to me. I hate that! But a punishment lets him deal with the problem assertively and in a healthy way. He still feels like he gets to talk to me, but without falling into being unforgiving and bitter.

For both of us, I think it helps us talk things out and avoid a buildup of negative feelings. It may not be fun at the time, but for me, it's much preferable to becoming one of those silently bitter couples.

Monogamy

Every once in a while, someone's blog or online posting in a forum breaks my heart. Usually it is a sub, heartbroken and lost because her Dom wants to have sex with somebody else. Date somebody else. See somebody else. Love somebody else.

Some subs and slaves are not bothered by this. Some even want it. Those aren't the people I'm talking about.

It always makes me really sad for them. Sad because I'm in a relationship with a man who completely insists on total monogamy for both of us. It makes me feel lucky, and wish this sub could be lucky enough to find someone like I did. Sad because I can imagine how I'd feel in their shoes. Devestated. Heartbroken. Hurt. Lost. Alone. Unwanted. Unloved.

I don't think any man or woman whose heart yearns for monogamy should ever have to endure the hurt of having a partner want to engage in polygamy. But it happens.

It makes me sad.

I think the lies that culture, pop magazines, and tv tell us about men are terrible, terrible mistruths. Lies like: "It's natural to be polygamous. All men want sex with other women. It's normal to fantasize about other women. All men masturbate. All men watch porn. It's normal for a man to think other girls are hot. Most animals in nature are polygamous and so we should be, too."

I want to hug these women and tell them that it's not true. They have the right to expect fidelity and faithfulness from a man. They are enough. The problem is not with them not being pretty enough or sexy enough or not wanting sex enough.

I know men who do not masturbate. Men who do not watch porn. Men who do not want to have sex with other women. Men who are not interested in straying with their eyes, hearts, minds, or bodies.

I'm not saying poly people don't have the right to be poly. But it breaks my heart to see women hurt by a cheating man who wants to call it "poly" instead of cheating.

I think they deserve more. A man who only wants them. A man who is captivated by only them. A man who loves them the way God loves them.

Fatigue

Fatigue is making it really hard for me lately. But then again, I guess it's making it easier too.

It's making it hard for me to spend good quality time with him. Usually I think he doesn't seem interested enough in my day. Now, when he asks about it, I wave him away with a tired, "I'm really... too tired to talk about it... can we just read or something?" Instead of feeling sad he isn't spending time with me or asking me out on dates, I'm lying prone on the couch, semi-conscious and just trying to make it til 8 pm so I can finally fall asleep. I don't have much energy to go on dates or go out shopping with him. My feet hurt too much. I can barely walk. I'm too exhausted.

It's also making it easier. I just don't have the energy to be disobedient or bad. I don't have any desire to fight with him. I don't feel angry or like he's being unjust when he tells me to do something. You want me to wash my face before bed? (Pause pause pause. Too tired to care.) Okay. And I go do it.

I'm not getting everything done I need to. Laundry... calling the credit card company... but he understands I am just too beat to do anything but the very bare essentials. I do what we have to do TODAY, to live and get through the day. And then I crash. And he can see that I am in no position to do anything but what I've done, and he lets me veg out. (Thank you!)

Suddenly, the fire has gone out of me. I don't want to fight with him. I don't feel angry or put out over... well, basically over anything anymore. I just don't have the energy for it. We're at peace a lot more.

I am too busy at work, too busy at home, too busy trying to get my poor body caught up on some rest so I can function in the workplace.

I kind of like it, as far as it pertains to us. It makes D/s a whole lot easier. I just don't have a strong preference with many things anymore, so I'm content to let him pick whatever it is that he wants to do.

Just as long as it means I can be in bed by 8.

But... I'm a Control Freak!

My husband dominates me. He punishes me. He takes control of my emotions when I get too mouthy or disrespectful.

Last night, we were having a "correct my attitude" punishment session which I was not enjoying. None of my techniques to avoid punishment were working, and I was getting it. No, it wasn't sexy! Okay, it was a little sexy, but it hurt, and I was tired, and it was not fun!

Every time he got me close to that dreaded edge... remorse... openness... vulnerability... surrender...

I realized what was happening, flipped out, and tried to pull away. Only I couldn't go very far. Because he was holding me in place via a very, err, awkward place on my anatomy.

"Who is in control?" he asked.

The correct answer was You. But what I felt was, Mostly you.

I'm aware this was only in my head. He had hold of my body, was causing me pain, and was 100% in the right both biblically and by what we'd agreed to. But some little part of me did not want to give in. So while most of me was truly apologetic, that stubborn little wench inside of me crossed her arms and stamped her foot and said No! I did not want to give up control, you see. I was afraid of total surrender.

Punishment can make me surrender, you see. So can sub space. Once I go into that mode, I stop feeling "angry, wronged, mouthy, and mean" and start feeling downright ashamed of myself. I'll fight fight fight my punishment, listing a dozen different reasons I'm not wrong or he shouldn't punish me, and then I'll just start to lose the wind in my sails. The anger will slowly ebb out of me. I'll get kind of sad and mopey. My body will start to relax. Eventually, I'll relax completely, going limp, and with one final sigh I will turn toward him, bare my body to him for punishment, and say in a small, resigned voice, "Okay." (By this, I mean, "Okay, you're right; I accept my punishment and open myself to whatever punishment you decide to give me. You are my head.")

Yesterday I was having trouble getting to that place and staying there. He was right and I was wrong. I accepted what he gave me. But I still wanted to struggle a little bit. I didn't want to be pushed over that final edge into total surrender.

Because I am a control freak.

He knows this about me. He loves me anyway.

He kept punishing me. I accepted it... mostly. I apologized sincerely. But this tiny 1% of me was still feeling quite put out about the whole punishment thing. It kept showing through my tone of voice and when I would pull away and sulk. So he kept pulling me back and starting again.

"Why aren't you giving in to me?" he asked. "You're mine anyway."

Am not!!! tiny 1% of me shouted. "Because," the other 99% of me responded, "I'm a control freak. I'm a control freak!"


I want him to be in control. I long for it. But when the moment comes, I get a little panicky. Suddenly, I want to be in control of my emotions! I want to be in control of my body! You can't have them! Well, okay, you can have most of them, but leave me just a little bit, okay? OKAY????

Not okay.

He has just started powering through. I call this Operation Take Submission.

Eventually, we both know I am going to give in and start giving it more. (At least, I hope so! That's what training is for, right?) Operation Take Submission will give way to Operation Give and Take.

How do you give up your control freak tendencies and surrender? What things does your Dom do to take submission? Doms and Masters, how do you power through when your sub won't fully submit?

Not-So-Effective Ways to Avoid Punishment

Today, Stormy had a great post about her Top 10 Ways to Avoid a Spanking. It really made me smile. It made me think about what techniques I try to get out of a punishment. ("Meeee?" *bats eyes innocently*)

Yep, I do it, too. I might add upfront that they do not work. This is because my husband is a pretty smart guy. They used to work in the past... sometimes... but not always. They pretty much never work now because he's gotten a lot more used to me and my wily ways. Oh, and he reads my blog. So he pretty much knows all my trade secrets. Drat it!

I don't mean to try to wiggle my way out of a punishment. But when The Fateful Moment appears, and I realize all my masterful dancing around the line has not worked and now I've actually crossed it, and I look at the paddle or feel the sting on my nipples, words just start coming out of my mouth in a torrent to try to save me from the fate I see in my very, very near future. I become convinced that it wasn't my fault and he should be more lenient! I'll say anything! If you'd like to give them a try, here are some of my not-so-effective techniques:

• Logic. I am a master at sounding logical when I am being illogical. I really think I should have been a lawyer. I won't lie, but I'll minimize the sin. "I didn't realize that came across as disrespectful. I thought we were playing. And anyway you know I'm so tired lately and you came home already grouchy. I was just responding to you." See? All my reasons my sin is not really a sin and you should just overlook it?


• But I Didn't Mean To. This is often true, so I try to use this one. "I didn't realize I hurt you." "I didn't mean for that to come across as disrespectful." "I thought I did say 'please.' In fact, I am almost certain I said 'please'! No? Are you sure?"


• Diversion. Oh look, a rainbow! This trick works well with children and goldfish, so I try it every once in a while on my husband just to see if he'll fall for it, too. "I wasn't finished talking about my day yet. And I thought we agreed we would discuss our plans for the week, too. Can't we do those first?"


• Wasting Time. When in doubt, talk talk talk talk talk. Fill up the space, fill the silence, talk talk talk. Maybe he'll get interested in something I say. Maybe I will accidentally hit upon The Perfect Excuse for whatever he's mad about. Maybe he'll get tired and fall asleep.


• Arguing. I argue because I'm really mad, not just to get out of punishment. If I'm arguing, you can bet I honestly believe whatever he's about to do is "Not Fair" (this is a cardinal sin with me). It's hard for me to submit to a punishment I think is not fair, so I keep arguing with him until he can prove to me that I am, indeed, in the wrong. Man, I hate that. :(


• Stating Facts I Cannot Back Up. This is my last-ditch effort, and it never works, since a "fact you can't back up" is not really a fact at all, is it? At this point I'll just say things with a convincing tone and hope he believes them. Some of my standards are, "You do not have the authority to do this!," "The Bible does not say you can do this!," "It's my body!," "You don't have the right!," or, my favorite, "You can't!" Of course, these are all pretty easy to disprove, since the Bible does say I am to give total submission to him and that he does have authority over me, including my body. And, as he has proved most adequately over the last few weeks, "Yes, he can!"
  

He really should be a poster child for Obama.

Is This One of Your Favorite BDSM Blogs?

As a side post, if you enjoy my blog, please pop on over to Rori's site, Between My Sheets, and nominate me for the Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2011. You can nominate me or just second a nomination that is already there. Rori is giving one commenter a cool prize as well!

There are a lot of really great BDSM and sex blogs out there, and I'll be nominating a few of my favorites that are on my blog list (some were already on the list for 2010, so congrats to them! I already knew you rocked!). There are a lot of sex bloggers and even M/s bloggers out there, but DD and D/s are underrepresented, as are blogs by men, so please also support your other favorite blogs by nominating them!

Again, this doesn't mean you think I'm The Best Blogger Out There, just that it's one of your favorites! If you enjoy my musings, I'd appreciate the shout-out. You can leave a comment nominating me here. Just leave my name, blog url, and a quick comment saying why you enjoy my posts.

Thanks for all your comments and support!

Punishment Clears the Air

I hate being punished.

But also, I kind of like it.

Confused yet? :) I'll explain.

I have a love-hate relationship with punishment from my Dom. Punishment is something I will go to great lengths to avoid. Whining, pleading, or--my favorite--using logic to reason my way out of it. At the same time, I think the idea of it is very sexy. It's a turn-on to imagine him having so much control and such sway in my life. Also, I'm finding it really helps clear the air.

Every day, tiny pieces of negativity can come up in our relationship that are so small they don't cause a real problem, but are there all the same. These negative things might be really small, like my bad attitude, him having a bad day at work, me having a disrespectful tone, or him not catching me on being disobedient. Maybe one of us is just grouchy or short-tempered.

My Dom lets these things roll of his shoulders, gets over them, and life moves on as normal for him. For me, they build up. They accumulate over time. After a few days, I'll find myself feeling surly and sulky for no real reason. I'm not mad at him; we're not fighting; I still love him. But for reasons I can't explain, I pull away when he reaches for me or my tone gets more hateful when I'm not happy with him.

Punishment helps clear those tiny, negative elements from our relationship. It gives us a chance to talk about what has happened. It gives me a chance to apologize for what I've done and actually feel remorse, which is very important to me in order to change the behavior. It also reinforces his power over me. It makes me feel an emotional release. It helps me breathe a huge sigh of relief that everything is now "fair," the slate is clean, and the air between us is cleared. And it has the added bonus of making me feel noticed, loved, and cherished, because he is engaging in our relationship and actively trying to help me improve in the areas we've agreed on or he's decided on. Also, I've noticed my Dom tends to approach punishments calmly and will even apologize for his part himself, instead of getting angry, blaming me, and inflaming the problem.

It really is an emotional catharsis.

Regaining Trust

A theme I read a lot on BDSM blogs is about regaining trust. Often, the slave has done something that has lost her (or his!) Master's trust, but I hear about the other way around, too. Sometimes the relationship will end, or keep going without the BDSM element, which is heartbreaking to both people. Sometimes the slave is in danger of losing her collar.

I think the reason breaking trust is such a big deal is trust is so crucial to this lifestyle. It has to be "safe, sane, and consensual." There has to be trust. Research shows BDSM can lead to heightened feelings of intimacy, so emotions and deep vulnerabilities come to the surface. It can be heartbreaking and devastating to have those hurt or damaged. In worst-case scenarios, people's health and lives may be at stake, especially with edge play like breath control.

But the truth is, real Doms and subs are human. We are going to fail. We are going to hurt each other.

When my Dom and I started our long, arduous journey into TTWD (thanks to the internet I discovered it had a name and a whole community attached!), I had visions of fairies and sugarplums dancing in my head. Not really, but I might as well have. I envisioned that, with a lot of work and mistakes of course, we would eventually reach a place where we existed in perfect tune with each other. He would always dominate me exactly the way I wanted him to, and I would live in subspace all the time. He would notice tiny transgressions immediately and punish me severely, and I would always return to him. He would train me into a submissive, respectful version of myself, and I would get his coffee in the mornings and give him oral sex whenever he wanted it. Of course, I would always like said oral sex and he would feel emotionally satisfied. In public, a mere look or raise of the eyebrow would send me into a meek and docile headspace. No one would know, but he would rule me completely.

Of course, the reality is far from that. Like many women, I struggle with submission. Sometimes I really want to. Others I don't! I feel stubborn or angry. I resent that it's "not fair." I plant my feet, grit my teeth, my eyes flash, and I dig my feet into the ground.

Sometimes, of course, he can't notice all my transgressions because he doesn't live in my head. Because what I hadn't considered as a newbie sub, you see, is that some of my transgressions are mental. Maybe I have a bad attitude. Maybe I'm sulking, so subtly and sneakily that he doesn't notice. Maybe I do what he says outwardly but I'm resentful and steaming inside because he didn't dominate me earlier in the day when I thought I needed it. Maybe I think I'm testing him and being bratty, but he thinks I'm being playful and teasing. He likes it when we tease and play, so without knowing the motive, he doesn't know to punish me.

Sometimes my Dom isn't perfect. Sometimes he gets tired of ordering people around at work and just feels too tired to come home and order someone around at home. Sometimes he forgets what he's told me to do, so he can't check up on me and make sure I've done it later.

In all these cases, for a myriad of reasons and a variety of times, trust is broken. I break his. He breaks mine.

We are not perfect creatures, after all.

Luckily, there is this thing called forgiveness. Regaining of trust. Rebuilding. It can be hard and it can be slow. For me, it is often very painful (I'm not naturally a person whose feelings bounce back after being hurt). Sometimes I think forgiveness is impossible. I want to give up. Sometimes I try.

Recently, I suggested we "take a break" from D/s for a while. "Not from our marriage!" I insisted. "Just from BDSM." (In my head, I was thinking, "'Take a break?' What are we, in high school?" But maybe he would fall for it...)

There was a brief pause.

"No."

Insert pout here. "Why?" I whined.

"Because we'll lose all the ground we've made."

Hmph. He was right. So, no break for us. That's okay. In my head, I could see that losing all the ground we've worked for would be bad. We'd have to spend weeks and months re-covering the same ground we'd worked so hard to gain.

If you are new to a BDSM relationship, it can be easy to fall into the mistake I made: envisioning years of perfect relationship bliss, an endless dance of dominance and submission where all your needs and wants get met. (For a humorous look at this, read A Look at Reality vs. Dreams.) Luckily, I'm with a man who doesn't give up easily, in a relationship I can't get out of (*cough* marriage *cough*). And I'm tenacious. So we have worked out, over the months and years, that sometimes D/s is hard and sometimes it is wonderfully, blissfully easy. Why do we do it? Because we think it is worth the work to reap the benefits to our relationship in terms of intimacy, emotional fulfillment, and our sex life.

Physical wounds heal quickly. Emotional ones are slower and more painful. Yet trust can always be regained.

I'm a Tropical Flower

If women were flowers, for women in DD or D/s relationships, dominance and structure would be sunlight and warmth.

All flowers have different needs when it comes to sunlight. We need it to grow and flourish. We can do without it for a while, but we'll start to wilt if we go too long. And we don't only need sunlight, of course. We also need healthy doses of rich soil, nourishing water, and fresh air. We get these through our hobbies, friends, families, and lives as women.

But we still need that sunlight.

With sunlight, we can grow into the women we want to be. We flourish and glow. Other women ask us, "What is that sunlight your husband is giving you to make you so radiant and glowing and healthy?!" We just laugh and shake our heads shyly.

Some women don't need or want a whole lot of sunlight. Their foliage does best in an independent, safe environment with only a little sunlight, but they still appreciate it when they get it and know they couldn't flourish without it. These are the lovely bushes and wildflowers you'll see gracing the meadows of more northern climates.

Other women need a moderate amount of sunlight. They do well in temperate climates, with steady sun during the summers, but they can still tough out a dark, gray winter. They don't want or need a lot of micromanagement in their lives.

The rest of us are what the world scoffs and calls "high maintenance," as though it's a bad thing to have evolving, dynamic needs and be aware of them. We flourish best in warm, sunny climates. Our husbands roll their eyes and say we need to be micromanaged. And we probably do! It makes us feel safe, secure, and loved.

I fall into this category.

Because I, you see, am a tropical flower.




(That's me).

Tropical flowers are delicate and colorful. They can be vibrant and glowing with color when they get the proper amount of sunlight (this is why they are my favorite to receive in bouquets!). But if you try to transplant one to, say, the Midwest, the flower will flounder and wilt. It will act mopey and sad. It can probably survive, but it won't be the upright, strong, vibrant flower it was in the Bahamas. And if you try to make it grow farther north, like Canada, it will just wither and eventually die, no matter how much soil and water and plant food you give it. It's a flower made for sunlight. Without it, it will grow sickly and die.

Men, God has given you a flower. This is the one flower you get for your entire life. You were probably no gardener before, so you may not have much idea exactly what to do with this flower. But it's the one you got, and you are in charge of making sure this flower grows and flourishes for the rest of her life. You need to figure out how much sunlight is best for this particular flower. Where will she flourish most? Where can she survive but not at her best? And where will she just die off completely? Is she getting enough soil and nutrients and water and shade from other people and places? How much does she need, anyway? And then, how much sunlight does she need?

That's your job. That's where you shine.

Give a flower sunlight, and she will lift her face and grow toward it.