"Natural Submission"

I had a great question from a fellow blogger...

What does "natural submission" mean to me? Why do I use that phrase so much in my blog?

Obviously, I don't identify as naturally submissive; my blogs are pretty clear on that. But it's a phrase I use because I hear it so much on the FetLife community. In the Submissive Women group, I feel like the women there are sometimes obsessed with being "naturally submissive." I want to ask them why being naturally submissive, as opposed to having to work at it, or (gasp!) being forced into it, is the preferred state. Women seem to wear it as a badge of honor: "I'm NATURALLY submissive," or worse, "I'm a true submissive."

Does that make the rest of us false submissives? Bad subs? Of lesser value? I'm not sure if that is the intended meaning, but for some women, I think they believe that if they can't hammer their personality into being a true or natural submissive, they aren't being 100% submissive.

My view is that submission is something that can be attained in many ways. You can have a personality that is naturally more complacent and focused on pleasing other people, or you can be a spitfire of a man or woman, with money and opinions and education of your own. There is no one right or true way into submission.

As far as Dominants go, from what I can tell, there are those who like all manner of subs. Some of them expect a women to fall at their feet after the first badly spelled and pornographic intro message (as if). Some want a sub who is submissive to all Masters and Mistresses and Dominants, while others expect their sub to only answer to them and treat everyone else as equals, regardless of BDSM "status." I've certainly read forums where Doms and Masters--and their female counterparts--are looking for subs who are assertive and brave in most areas of their lives. It all depends on what a particular Top wants.

So why do I use the phrase "naturally submissive" a lot in my blog? Well, usually because I'm starting the sentence with "I'm not _______". And I'm not. I use this idea because it is so prevalent, sometimes even desired, by subs I come across in the blogging and Fetlife communities. If that's what they want? What their Tops want? What they desire to be? Awesome. I have no issue with it.

But I hope my blog makes it clear that you don't have to be a "naturally submissive" sub to be a "good" sub. I've identified a quality that many subs seem to lust after, or parade around if they've already attained it. And I'm trying to show that I don't need to be that person, that I'm not that person.

People will sometimes send me emails, asking my advice about something or other in their BDSM lifestyles. I try make it clear through my writings that yes, there are many, many, many people out there who strive for the "naturally submissive" approach, but that isn't all of us. I want to highlight that it's possible to be a success in your D/s or M/s relationship and still not conform to certain ideals in the community. You can be a strong man or woman and still make some Top very happy.

Naturally submissive? Truly submissive? Or do you have to work at it? Or do you have to be tied up and beaten into submission?

It's all good to me.

Needing to Be Choked to Submit

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas! I did. I had a great time visiting with my family and both the Christmas services I went to were very inspirational (I went to one with my family and another one with my husband once he arrived in town).

Now we are back home for a few days before we travel again for the New Year holidays. I'm pretending I don't see the huge pile of boxes waiting to be unpacked. What boxes? Where?

Last night, my Dom and I were together alone for the first time in over a week. Say what I will about sexual liberation and all that, I just can't bring myself to have sex in my parents' house. My mother has an unfortunate habit of walking into my high school bedroom without knocking whenever she wants, and I think if we disappeared for 45 minutes they'd all know what we were doing anyway. No, thank you. So we had a nice time last night, got one precious hour of alone time before we had to put our clothes back on and say goodbye to the kitties again in order to head out to his parents' house and do Christmas celebration there. (Note: my husband forgot to tell me, when I left our house wearing a dress, tights, and boots, that his family wears sweats and jeans to their Christmas.... so I was a bit overdressed. Oops.)

When we finally got back, I was all ready to go again, but we were both tired and that makes us grouchy. My husband is a lot less dominating when he is tired or has been drinking; he sort of turns into just a regular man. While this is okay for our real life, it makes it impossible for me to get turned on in our sex life.

All I wanted him to do was choke me or yank my hair so I couldn't move. I eventually told him what I wanted, and he did it, but of course it isn't the same when your Dom is grabbing your neck to screw you because you want him to, and not because he wants to. It's somehow much less sexy.

So I have to wonder: why do I need restraint to have sex? I have several theories, which I will share here:

• Maybe I'm not "naturally submissive" enough to just lie there and take it. I want to be wrestled down and have it taken from me. Otherwise, I feel a bit bored by the whole thing. And it is im-poss-ible for me to stay interested in a sexual act that I feel bored and disengaged by. It's like he's just using my body, and my mind and heart are not engaged at all.


• I tend to disengage from sex, whether as a result from past abuse or due to my own emotional issues. Having a hand on my throat, or my wrists tied tightly and yanked above my head, or a harsh pull on my hair, helps me stay engaged with what is happening. If I don't have that "anchor" to sex, I float away from it and feel completely disengaged from my body. Not only is that not fair to my husband, but it's a scary feeling for me, and one that I hate, so of course I'd prefer to be roughed up a bit so I can stay "in the moment."


• Sex is often depicted as not as good for the woman as for the man. While I'm sure there are exceptions, I'd say it's true in my marriage that my Dom enjoys sex more often than I do. So if I'm not getting pleasure out of it, I might as well be getting pain or mental excitement out of it.... otherwise, why bother? Just give me a good book and a plate of warm cookies and forget the whole "sex" thing.


• I can't get turned on if I don't feel like my husband is being dominant. I'm not interested in vanilla sex... after my first taste of BDSM-style sex, I was hooked forever. This frustrates my husband, who is sometimes too tired to want to put the effort in for full-on domination, but mostly it suits our styles.

I'm not sure which is the reason, but my guess is it's a little bit of all of the above.

My two cats are sprawled out beside me, one on each end of the couch asleep like little bookends, both collapsed there with the complete abandon that only truly happy cats can attain. Maybe I should leave more often, if coming home again makes them both so happy and friendly.

I hope you all had a great Christmas! More ruminations to follow.

Christmas Toy Giveaways and Sales!

The season of the birth of Christ is upon us! I hope you are all celebrating the occasion with your family and loved ones. I am heading up to spend the week with my parents, and I'll be joined by my hubby on the 24th when he gets off work. I'm excited to see family and friends, conclude the season of Advent, and celebrate the coming of the greatest Man who ever lived!

If any of you are keeping Christmas gift-giving small this year due to the economy (we are!!!! we made several gifts, kept the purchased ones very small, and gave the rest to charity), you'll be interested in these sexy toy giveaways or sales:

• Fetlife is giving away over $15,000 worth of kinky toys, bondage and fetish gear, etc. There are no vibrators or anything, but there are sex machines, canes, paddles, plastic suits, and other cool things! If you're not registered for Fetlife, it's free!
• Babeland has some holiday kits and also some good stuff on clearance. They're also offering free shipping for the holidays if you spend more than $99.
• Good Vibrations is having a holiday sale on Buzzlet vibrators and is offering free shipping on orders over $100.

There are surely other sales, but those two are my favorite stores, plus I LOVE Fetlife for obvious reasons.

Whatever you buy, remember the season is about giving and joy, not how much money you spend or how many gifts you receive!

Enjoy the holidays and Merry Christmas!

Lady Lubyanka's First Experience with Subspace

For you Dominants out there, I thought I'd share a great blog post I just found: Lady Lubyanka's First Experience with Subspace.

A lot of BDSM and sex toy sites are of a dismally low quality, and I'm quite choosy about which links I share on my blog. Trust me, this one is great. Lady Lubyanka is a great writer and hilarious.

The story is from when she was a new Domme playing for the first time with a male sub. It was her first experience putting a sub into subspace, and I think it's a great learning tool for tops. Enjoy!

When being dominated is as necessary as breathing

This morning, as my husband prepared to leave for work, I rolled over and sleepily asked him, "Could you hold me and make me safe?"

I'm not sure why, but since my parents got divorced in my early 20s I've always felt safer if a man "squished" me, holding me tight so I can't move. Loose, half-hearted hugs just make me feel anxious and nervous---not safe at all. I want a man whose strong arms can embrace and protect me.

Normally in the mornings, I don't feel that needy. He crawled into bed and smashed me against him, asking if something was wrong.

"I feel sad... no... worried," I mumbled, not really sure what name to give the emotion I was feeling. Finally I murmured, "We didn't do anything dominating or submissive last night, so I don't feel safe."

And that was it. Some people do BDSM because it's fun, or kinky, or a change of pace. Others do it 24/7, because it's in the fabric of their being and simply who they are. Me, I engage in BDSM because it makes me feel safe, like someone is interested and invested enough in me to take the time to dominate me and make me his.

"Try not to worry about it," my husband said soothingly.

Even half asleep, I knew this wasn't a simple matter of not worrying about it. There are some things you can not worry about, and there are some things you need whether or not you try to worry about them. I could easily tell the drowning man to relax and "not worry about" his lack of air, but that wouldn't stop him from dying. That's how I feel about being dominated. I need it, not a physical need like air or water, but an emotional need, feeling safe and secure in my environment.

I wonder if my "feeling safe" when a man controls me in a good, positive way is linked to my over-controlling mother or my overly passive father. Maybe both. My mother loved me, but she controlled me viciously. Still, for all that, I had no doubt I was safe with her, that she would protect me with her life and fiercly too. With her around, I was safe from other people and myself. She wouldn't let anyone but herself hurt me. The two somehow got linked in my head.

Or perhaps it's because I saw my parents get divorced, a slow, bitter process that took place during the years I was forming my views on what love and relationships were about, during my teens and early 20s. By the age of 17, when I entered a bookstore I made a beeline straight toward the Relationship Help section. I poured over marriage help books and knew more as much about research on marital problems and solutions as most of the counselors and therapists I saw.

And why did my parents get divorced? Aside from my mom controlling, my dad was too passive. He didn't engage in a relationship with my mother. He did her laundry, cooked her food, cleaned her house, and drove her kids to practice, but that was it. It didn't matter if she was angry or sad or worried---he didn't engage in whatever was happening in her life. He was passive with me, too. I knew he loved me, but I also knew I wasn't safe with him. If someone attacked me physically or emotionally, I knew I'd have to fend for myself. Most of the time this person was my mother. Aside from 1 or 2 instances where my dad intervened, I dealt with emotional abuse on my own. When my father heard about what happened, he would sigh and say that I knew how my mother was and I should be more patient and try not to make her mad. When I had nail marks down my arm, he shook his head sadly and suggested I wear long sleeves to school the next day. (In his defense, I later accused him of standing by while my brother and I were abused, and he explained that he would often talk to my mother afterward and tell her not to hit or yell at us, but... is that really enough?)

To me, men slowly became nice commodities, good for paying for dates or doing housework, but not strong. Not men. Not warriors or protectors like men are described in the Bible and in the best literature, but mere baubles. If I wanted to be protected, I would have to do it myself.

This was driven home to me a few times that did NOT involve my mother. When I was about 20, out at a restaurant with my dad, an elderly gentleman sitting next to me leered at me suggestively and made a remark about how glad he was to be seated next to me. Cringing away, I looked to my dad next to me. He didn't glare at the guy or even bat an eyelash. He shrugged and said, "I guess he's happy to have a young co-ed sitting next to him." Even in the smallest ways, my dad clearly was not going to stand up for me, much less get offended on my behalf.

Another time, I was on vacation with my dad and I was sexually assaulted by a man twice my age. Without telling my father what had happened, I explained shakily that this person had scared me with unwanted advances and whatever happened, to please make sure he wasn't around me tomorrow. My dad utterly failed. The sexual perpetrator not only joined our touring group without a word of protest from my dad, but stripped off his clothes and went swimming with us, trailed me around the streets of Greece, and then joined our lunch table. My father did not say or do anything, except when he found me, huddled under a towel and unwilling to go into the water with the man wearing just my bikini, advised me to "Not let anyone ruin the day" for me. I snapped that if he thought the day wasn't already ruined, he had no idea what had happened, and flounced into the ocean, joined by an 18-year-old girl in our tour group who had noticed the older man's strange fascination with me and whispered to me that she, at least, would stay with me that day.

After the most awkward lunch ever, our tour group plus my unwanted would-be rapist, my father blithely eating and chatting, I was horrified to see my father get up and leave me the last person at the table. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that, my father up ahead chatting with new friends, the man I was trying to avoid, who had sexually attacked me fewer than 24 hours ago in his hotel room, hung back and tried to start up a conversation with me. When I furiously relayed this to my father five minutes later, he couldn't understand why I was so upset. Did I want him to be rude to the guy?, he asked reasonably.

The answer is YES. I wanted my father to understand how small and vulnerable and disgusting I felt. I certainly didn't want him to challenge the man to a duel, but he could have quietly led me away from the tour group and claimed we were having father-daughter time. He could have discreetly taken that man aside and politely informed him that he was making his daughter uncomfortable and it might be best if he left us alone for the day. In short, he could have protected me, instead of ignoring the problem and being passive, just like he did with my mother for years.

I know I'm rambling, but I wonder if these experiences contributed to my need to feel dominated and safe. With a passive father, I learned to stand up for myself, but I still burned from the injustice of it. Where were the men the Bible described, the men of movies and books and legends, men who were strong, brave, and protective? Men who don't leave you alone to fend for yourself when you are threatened physically or emotionally.

And so, perhaps I learned to equate dominance and power with manliness. (I understand there are many Dommes and Mistresses out there... I refer only to my own personal preferences.) So when my husband told me this morning "not to worry about it," that didn't make sense to me. Of course I want to feel safe. I want to feel like my husband will protect me from myself, but also from our parents, nasty coworkers, and uncouth friends. Whether it's an unexpected attack at a grocery store or a firework that explodes accidentally, I want a Dom who will protect me. Someone brave. Someone dominating. Someone with power. Someone in control of the circumstances.

That's just as important as breathing to me.

The Other Morning

The other morning, my Dom fingered me---against my will---from behind. With his thumb.

Apparently this was just his way of making me feel owned and conquered before he went off the work for the day and I drifted back to sleep in our bed.

The thing about fingering with the thumb is that 1. it can feel great and 2. it can hurt. It all depends on the desires and abilities of the one doing the fingering.

The pros of using your thumb? It's shorter, so you don't get any painful fingers jamming into your poor, abused cervix. Also, the curve fits nicely into the curves of a woman's body, providing pleasurable pressure and hitting the G-spot.

The cons are that the thumb can be blunt and painful when jammed in the wrong way. Also, as with any fingering, having nails that are not meticulously trimmed can really scrape up a woman's vaginal walls. And trust me, fellas, the after-sting from untrimmed nails is not a good feeling. She'll be thinking about you all day, but it won't be in a good way.

Is this new morning wake-up just a one-time fancy of my husband's, or is this indicative of a sexual pattern he is going to start in our relationship?

I don't know, but I loved it, even when I hated it. And I hated it, even when I loved it. And then, exhausted, sore, and used, I fell back into the peaceful sleep of a woman much loved.

Confessions of a Choke-aholic

Some women are chocoholics. I am becoming a choke-aholic.

I had some delicious times with my Dom the last few days. I wouldn't call them "scenes," exactly, since they were not set times when we played, but rather just the few hours before bedtime when I can relax and ask him to "Dominate me," my constant plea right around those sleepy bedtime hours.

We have packed all our toys away in preparation for a future move, so we don't have the paddle or the slapper or most of our bondage stuff. No nipple clamps (sad face), which are actually just plastic clothes pins in kinky disguise.

But we still have fun.

The other night, he choked me. At first I felt quite smug, knowing he might be trying to scare me but would never get me close to passing out (see his admonitions on the subject here). After a few minutes of restricted air, I started to panic. And somehow, he knew just when to let go... he felt that time when I was really getting panicked, digging my nails into him and squirming like a hellion, but before I passed out.

It was a wonderful feeling. Once I gasped for breath, my body was flooded with the most wonderful, peaceful relaxation. It was like taking a dose of a wonderful drug that only lasted for about 10 seconds, but felt great when it did.

At the same time, choking can be dangerous. People have died playing with kinky asphixiation. If you hold off your partner's air too long, you can cause a stroke or heart attack. For me, we didn't get that far, but it still caused a headache once the blood when throbbing back into my head. With choking, you must always be very aware of the risks. My partner and I have only begun trying prolonged choking now, several years into our BDSM relationship. It can be dangerous.

However, having the man in my life be in so much control of me was both powerfully peaceful and an aphrodisiac. It made me go limp, open to his every desire or command. In that state of mind, I want him to boss me around, just to show his control. I love the feeling of weightless submission, where I feel floaty and peaceful and ridiculously obedient all at the same time. I can't understand why he doesn't take advantage of it more, since normally I am a mouthy little spit-fire. :)

The downside of getting me to this place?

It can hurt. Being choked or spanked or just bossed around hurts--either your body or your pride. Naturally, we want to fight against it. If my Dom starts the process of hurting me, but doesn't push me past the place where pain gives way to endorphins, relaxation, and submission, I just get pissy and more mouthy (read: less submissive) than normal. He is learning that he has to keep going at it to push me past the rebellious stage and into the subspace, willing-slave stage. If not? He has an angry, pissed-off redhead at his hands. (This is something that should strike fear into the hearts of all men.)

Will we play with choking and asphixiation all the time? No, because it's dangerous, and neither of us wants me to be in real danger. Would I recommend this activity for everybody? Absolutely not, especially if you are relatively new to the kinky lifestyle. But with a lifelong partner you know and trust.... trust me, it can be a turn-on.

Becoming a submissive

As we approach our one-year anniversary, I've been deep in thought about how our relationship has changed and grown. Although I had real trouble with the submissive lifestyle in the beginning, that's slowly changing. Once I was in the safety and security of a marriage, I felt safe enough to trust my Dom and slowly give up some of my stubborn, hell-bent-on-my-way attitude. Obviously, this is something that needed to go for our D/s relationship to work. :)

I asked my Dom this week if he were surprised by how our relationship turned out. He said no, but he is happy, and that he had hoped I would eventually become more docile and he could become more bossy.

Do we still have issues with our D/s relationships? Sure. Because unlike some kinksters, I don't have a desire to submit myself all the time. Rather, I more often wish to be conquered--to fight it out and be defeated. This can be hard when my Dom is expecting "submission" and I am expecting "conquest."

But we're learning.

Slowly, I'm learning that submitting out of my own will is not necessarily "giving in" or "losing." And my husband is learning that to a wife with strict internal guidelines as to what is fair or right, sometimes he can't just sit back and expect me to give in, but he has to rise to the challenge and make me. Whether that entails pinning my hands so I can't fight him, tying me up, or just giving me a stern look and threatening to spank me, he's learning that there are ways to facilitate my submission to him. He's also learning that even when I complain that he's being too bossy or controlling, it's often more bark than bite, and I'll let him get away with it if he keeps pushing.

I've always been attracted to the D/s lifestyle, from the first time I heard about it. Over time, I've changed my mind as to what kind of D/s relationship I want, from Owner/puppy to Dom/sub to Master/slave to Christian Domestic Discipline to Taken in Hand to bondage to spanking. Sometimes our attempts at D/s have worked better than others. But overall, I feel I'm well on the way to being conquered and turned, eventually, into a truly submissive wife.

Eventually.

Ways to Encourage a Submissive Attitude

While some subs and slaves like to brag about how they are "true submissives" or "naturally submissive," I think that's a load of hogwash. Yes, some of us are more naturally submissive or passive, and others have to work at it.

Me? I have to work at being submissives sometimes. Sometimes, I have to be forced into it by my hubby. Sometimes, he can't force me into it and he has to punish me or let me get away with it---whatever he decides. And sometimes, I feel naturally submissive.

And I'm like the weather. You never know which one I'm going to be from day to day.

How to my husband and I deal with this? For those of us who aren't always (or ever) "naturally" submissive, hope is not lost. There are ways to foster the feeling of submission and feeling small or overpowered. And these are things that both of you can do as well!

For the Dom/Domme:

• be consistent with your behavior, even if your sub does not respond consistently


• provide punishment for bad behavior quickly. Give 1 or 2 chances, not 10 or 12, and then punish your sub if he or she doesn't respond the way you want them to.


• find ways to assert your dominance, even in small everyday matters. Be bossy! Get your sub used to taking orders all the time, not only at certain times of day or during a scene.


• find a "codeword" or symbol and train your sub to feel submissive when he or she hears this command


• make punishments harsher to give your sub some extra motivation to behave!


• find ways to make your sub relax; this will lead him to obey


• require her to do something that will remind her of her submission to you every hour or every few hours to keep her in the submissive mindset


• give "maintenance spankings"

For the sub:

• have a glass of wine or a beer to help you relax. A relaxed sub will naturally feel more submissive.


• have a mantra or routine that you do throughout the day to help you retain your subby feeling and not drift back up into "topspace."


• read submissive journals and blogs


• keep a submissive journal


• work on bettering yourself or doing 1 nice thing for your Dominant each day

Any other ideas? Add 'em in the comments! :)