Different Kinds of Submissives

This post will be short and simple! I don't like many of the online "Types of Submissives" Guides, which make it seem like there is a right kind of a submissive and several wrong kinds, or else use deragatory names to refer to submissives. So I'm making my own list!

There are a few different kinds of submissives:

• service


• sexual


• household


• all of the above


• pain

The service submissive is probably the most common in my experience. This submissive spends a lot of time doing acts of service, such as drawing the Dom's bath, massaging him (or her) when he's tense, bringing him food and drink, or otherwise making his life more comfortable.

The sexual submissive may not bring the Dom his coffee every morning, but she is sexually available for him at all times. The training for these kinds of submissives often includes sexual training to enlarge the anus for more easy anal sex, learning to deep throat, and other sexual services. This is largely the kind of submission you'll find in erotica stories such as The Training of O.

The household submissive is less common, but this sub spends his or her time cleaning, taking care of the household chores, cooking, and keeping the home neat and welcoming. The only time I've ever heard of someone being ONLY a household sub was a poly situation where other subs were already meeting the Master's needs for sex, service, and companionship.

All of the above submissives incorporate sexual submission, care of the household, and service. These are most common in monogamous BDSM relationships.

Pain submissives are, simply put, masochists. They often don't enjoy other aspects of submission, but they do enjoy pain. These submissives are often only submissive in the bedroom or during a play session, but revert back to an equal relationship when not getting his or her "pain needs" met.

But....but what if she doesn't like it?

This beautiful painting is an image of Eve despairing in the garden of Eden, after she has eaten the forbidden fruit. As a clear example of how marriages and lives can go wrong without the presence of godly male leadership, Christians have the famous story of the Garden of Eden in Genesis. I chose the painting because it beautifully depicts the despair and hopelessness that can enter our lives when our husbands do not provide the leadership and guidance they are called to.

The story began thousands of years ago, and it continues today. Like Eve, many women are headstrong and opinionated. Like Adam, many men are passive and compliant. Today, in BDSM relationships and out of them, the saga continues: women cry out for strength and leadership, and men ask the age-old question:

"But what if she doesn't like it?"

This is a question I think many, if not all, Doms and Masters struggle with when they enter into a D/s relationship. Let's face it: hitting girls, pushing them, yelling at them, calling them names, and tying them up are pretty big cultural "no-nos" in our society.

My Dom, even after years of BDSM and D/s activity, still struggles with this. He doesn't want to hurt me, he wants to be "fair," or he just doesn't want to accidentally trigger past flashbacks that will freak me out. He tries to be very cautious, which is good, because safety and caution are important aspects of D/s. On the other hand, if you're too safe and cautious, you end up being a "nice guy" and not a "sexy, strong" guy.

What's a guy to do?

I've read a lot on this subject, and it's not an uncommon question.

Let me just put it this way: Is she hinting that she'd like to be dominated more? Is she complaining that you don't hurt her enough? Is she asking to be scared, or hurt, or beaten? If she is, that means she wants it. People can say BDSM is unhealthy all they want, but if it makes two consenting adults happy, I say go for it. We each get to define what "healthy" is for our own relationship. And if you have a sub or slave that is longing for more D/s or violence or BDSM or whatever, and you don't give it to her because you're such a "nice guy," you're going to end up with a very unhappy, bitter slave who is not getting her needs met, and instead of being such a great, wonderful, sweet guy, you're the sissy who wasn't man enough to meet her needs even when she outright asked for it.

Don't believe me that you're not alone?

Check out Domination for Nice Guys by Franklin Veaux. This article answers such common questions as, "But men aren't supposed to do that to women!", "Where do I even start with this stuff?", and "But I don't want to hurt her!" If these questions sound like you, I recommend this article. This was one of the first articles I read when I was new to BDSM, and it's great.

Not surprisingly, other philosophies of male-led domination in marriage such as Taken in Hand and Christian Domestic Discipline have similar articles. Check out, for instance:

Note: Some of these links give a "Forbidden" message, but you simply need to click "Refresh" or hit "Enter" in the URL bar.

• A Noble Calling: The Husband's Role in DD
• What If He Is Horrified by the Idea?
• Reluctant Men
• Micromanagement Works For Me!

One thing I've noticed on both TiH and CDD sites is that most of the articles are written by women, for women. It's women who are running these sites, women who are writing in to beg advice for how to get their husbands to dominate them, and mostly women who initiate D/s in their relationships.

Lucky is the woman whose man has the initiative and drive to find out about D/s, learn what it is, and initiate it in their relationship. But for most couples, it's the woman who does all that work.

In A Noble Calling: A Husband's Role in DD, author Brent says:

Many women want Domestic Discipline and even initiate it by suggesting the notion to their husbands. A wise man, if he’s inclined, will take her up on it, for the joys are myriad. Women, being wise (for God made them that way since wisdom goes hand in hand with motherhood!) often realize the benefits that structure and discipline can have in their own lives and in their relationship.

Truly, while D/s isn't for everyone, some women prefer to have structure and order in their lives. Some women would rather have a confident man's man than a "nice guy." They will be happier, healthier, and feel more secure.

So man up, men!

Review: Babeland's Naturals Organic Lube

If you're a green girl like me, you like products that are natural, not tested on animals, and good for you.

My newest review product is Babeland's Naturals Organic Lube. I love reviewing lube because it is so useful and fun, something you can use every time you have sex no matter if you're alone with your favorite vibe, jacking off your partner, or having regular ole sex.

I really enjoyed this lube. Of course, for me, Mrs. Animal Rights Activist, the not-tested-on-animals bit was a big plus right from the start. I'm always amazed at the sheer number of commonly used products that use animal testing, and I'm sure people wouldn't use them if they knew animal cruelty was involved.

Aside from the definite plus-plus-plus of being animal-cruelty free (PETA would be proud of this lube), I enjoyed it. The organic lube is thicker than some other lubes I've tried, including KY Touch and Entice by Babeland (one of my favorites), but not as thick as jellies or creams. Since I prefer the thinner lubes, this one got high marks from me.

The lube comes in an easy-to-use squirt jar, which is a lot easier to use quickly in the midst of sex than bottles that you have to open and close. It has a slightly sweet, clean scent, and worked like a charm. I used this with my husband and have used it several times with my favorite vibe, with no complaints either time. In fact, I enjoyed this lube because it is mess-free and easy to wipe up once you're done.

But in the end, the greatest thing about this lube was that it is eco-friendly, green, animal-cruelty free, and natural, and still works and feels and smells just like regular lube. In fact, it was listed as #1 on the New York Times' list of Eco-Friendly Sex Aids. That's right, this lube made national news!

This lube works great, it's easy to use, and it's earth-friendly and body-friendly. What's not to like? What's more, if you don't want to pay the $12 for a full bottle, Babeland offers samples for just a dollar.

To buy this lube, click here or just click on the picture at the top of the post. And if you try it, please comment back here to let me know what you think!

Tale of Relaxing Bath and Sex

I've started work this week and been very busy. We haven't had time to spend time together, much less have sex or engage in BDSM.

But last week, we had a nice session. After my Dom read my post, Positive and Negative Energy in BDSM, he seemed to understand that for me to feel safe being hurt and used, I need to be taken care of first; in other words, my "emotional love tank" needs to be filled up before he can take me out for a spin. Otherwise, I'm on empty and it just won't work.

So he took good care of me, and it was lovely to be pampered and loved for a nice change. (Not that he doesn't always love me... I meant the pampering part!)

My Dom brought me a list of possible food dishes and told me to pick my favorite and he'd make it for us for dinner. This was so sweet! He'd already put thought into dinner before asking me. I picked double cheeseburger Hamburger Helper, one of my favorite comfort foods, and he let me rest, relax, and read while he whipped up dinner (if you can't tell, service is not one of my kinks).

After we enjoyed a hearty meal, we spent some time together watching True Blood and catching up on episodes, then he drew me a hot bath. There is something so romantic about drawing a woman a bath, in my opinion. Of course, any woman is capable of turning on her own water, washing her own hair and skin, and pouring in bubble bath herself--- but when someone else loves you enough to do all that for you, it is a wonderful feeling. I certainly can understand why so many Doms and Mistresses love having service as a kink, because being taken care of by someone who loves you is a great feeling. (Actually, I suppose just being taken care of is great, otherwise people would not pay for services like hair cuts, massages, and manicures.... it's the service that makes them so special!).

We didn't have any bubble bath, or else he didn't think of it, but he did draw me a hot bath and sit there with me while I soaked. He washed my hair, one of his favorite activities and something no one else has ever done for me. He even had warm towels in the dryer so I could be snuggly and warm when I got out. I've never had freshly-dried towels after a bath before, but they were wonderful! It made me feel like I was being pampered at a very special spa instead of my own bathroom.

People may think it's strange for a Dom to being the pampering, instead of being pampered, and a lot of D/s relationships are based on service for the Dom. I don't get turned on by offering service, but I certainly feel loved when my Dom takes the time to care for me and love me, and this TLC was just what I needed after a very stressful last few weeks. He ever washed my feet for me.

Once my hair was brushed and we were ready for bed, after all that pampering I finally felt emotionally safe enough to let him make love to me. Sex is often a really, really negative and draining experience for me, and lots of research on sexual abuse tells me why, but it doesn't make the feeling go away. Just because I know I am completely normal to have this reaction does not make it any easier on my marriage when I am 95% of the time repulsed by or just uninterested in sex. But for me, sex is so draining and scary that if I don't feel really, really loved and safe, I just can't get myself interested. Taking such wonderful care of me and pampering me made me feel safe and more open to a sexual experience.

We were able to enjoy each other and he gave me several orgasms before entering me and coming himself. He wanted to use the vibrator on me and choke me (lightly!) when I came, and it was super hot to me. When we were done and all cleaned off, we snuggled up and went to bed.

Of course, the next day we had a fight which just ruined my happy, sex-might-not-be-so-bad feeling, but while it lasted, it was lovely. :)