Oral Sex Tips You WON'T Find Online

I'm so tired of "sex advice" columns giving the same old, same old, same old advice. Whether you read it in Cosmo or someone's blog, the advice is pretty much the same.

Well, what about us women who don't really like oral sex when it's done that way? What about those of us who want oral sex in a different way that goes past the standard tips they give you?

Here's a few I've thought of, though I'm sure there are more:

1. don't get too heavy on the saliva; clits like friction, and an overly wet finger or tongue just starts to feel slimy instead of good---and slimy is never sexy.
2. once she's turned on (you can tell when she's bucking her hips), use your fingers to gently peel back the delicate skin of the hood and expose the tiny bead of her clit. Separate it from the skin, pull it into your mouth, and suck. Do this for about 5-10 seconds and then stop before it gets too intense.
3. Use your tongue to create friction, not wet.
4. Don't just use your tongue! Use your breath, your outer lips, and your inner lips.
5. Put your face right next to her clit so your lips are barely touching her---and then talk to her. Tell her all the sexy things you're seeing or feeling. The movement of your breath and the feathery touch of your lips against her will drive her crazy.
6. Try licking a larger area: lick lightly from her perineum all the way up to her mound, or reverse and lick all the way from the top to the bottom. Or try licking all the way horizontally from one inner thigh to the next. See what she likes; covering more ground can feel better than simply focusing on her vulva.
7. Don't go to town on her clit like it's a lollipop--or a dick. Clits don't need constant stimulation to come; in fact, some of my most intense orgasms come from barely being touched at all. Try licking once, very lightly, and then pausing for 2-5 seconds before giving one more lick. If this makes her clit swell, she likes it! Focusing on spending more time away from her clit than on it.
8. Bury your legs in her thighs.
9. Moan. Either the sound will turn her on, the vibration from your mouth will, or both.
10. She's very vulnerable now. Talk sexy to her, or dirty, or describe her pussy to her--whatever floats your boat. Focus on reminding her how vulnerable she is. Tell her what her sexuality and her vagina tell you about her--that she's open, and beautiful, and giving, and wanton, and everything good!
11. Try giving just a HINT of pain. See if she likes it.
12. Gently take the outer fold of her lips in your teeth or lips, just to give her a new sensation. Try nipping rather than biting.
13. Try giving her a mix of fingers on her clit, mouth on her vulva, and fingers around the entrance to her vagina. Change what you're dong every few seconds or minutes, instead of just fingering her or just giving oral sex.
14. Pull back her hood with your fingers and stretch the hood taut. This will increase the sensitivity of her clit and also make her clit more accessible to you.
15. If she's open to it, gently insert one finger into her anus. Don't overdo the finger motions; her butt isn't a vagina! Just let the presence of your finger stimulate the skin around and just inside her butthole, barely moving it or not moving it at all. Just letting your finger rest slightly inside her will give her a great sense of pressure "back there."
16. Gently insert on finger partway into her vagina, but don't get carried away--intense internal stimulation can deaden the lighter sensations going on outside. Don't get carried away with multiple fingers, deep penetration, G-spot stroking, or thrusting: just be gentle! A gentle fingertip swirling around the lips of her vagina, then disappearing, then gently stroking her inner vagina, then disappearing, will give a great sensation to accompany your mouth, lips, and teeth on her vulva.
17. If she doesn't come easily from oral sex, don't try to make her come from it. Use it to get her turned on, or simply to add variety to your lovemaking and foreplay. Rather than knuckling down and performing hard-core oral sex on her for 10 to 20 minutes, give her some gentle mouth attention for a few minutes, then go back to gently fingering her or caressing her breasts. Don't get locked down in one place!
18. Trim or shave her pussy hair. Having your head and hands so close to her "down there" will excite her, and electric razors give a nice buzzzzzz. Plus, something about this act feels very vulnerable for some women, and some men love to mark her as theirs!
19. As she gets more turned on and needs harder, more foreceful stimulation, oral sex might need to get passed up in favor of stronger stimulation. There's only so much you can do with your lips, but your fingers, dildos, and cock can give her more when she's ready for more thrusting, stretching, and hard sensation. Don't get stuck on one thing!
20. Try some pussy torture if BDSM is your thing. Light slapping with a slapper or whip, needles, piercing, and pricking might be fun things to try.

When Vanilla Isn't Enough?

A question I have been pondering and working through lately is how much vanilla should be a part of a kinkster's life.



Of course, there is no right or wrong answer here; we all have different tastes. One couple may engage in FT M/s (fulltime Master/slave) 100% of the time, while another is vanilla 99.9% of the time and engages in occasional rough, kinky sex to spice things up. If that works for them, it's all okay.



But what has worried me is where exactly I fall in this spectrum. I always pictured myself as being an even 50/50 split between BDSM and vanilla. I wanted the rough, painful, scary, exhilarating scenes, but I also wanted the calm touches, the tender moments, and the slow lovemaking. I pictured myself doing a full-blown scene one day, then being made love to as equals while my Dom looked lovingly into my eyes the next.



What I'm discovering, the more we delve into BDSM, is that I may not be that exact 50/50 split of vanilla and kink that I had envisioned as being my "ideal." The more we get into kink, the more kink I need. Sometimes I want my Dom to push me higher and faster than he does, because he is worried about pushing me too far and hurting me, but I am craving something more than last time.



The result is that I'm losing the ability to enjoy vanilla sex. Regular, day-to-day things like making out and calm sex are becoming boring for me.



Okay, they were always somewhat boring. I could do them, and enjoy them, but I've always wanted something more---my wrists pinned above my head, being called a name, a face slap, rough screwing.



But now I can't even enjoy them. I can't get turned on. It's just totally... boring.



I'm having to re-craft my self identity. Whereas I pictured a nice, safe life of kink and vanilla, it seems I'm leaning more toward the kink side now. Whereas once a slap from my Dom turned me on and got me into the scene, now that doesn't do it for me anymore. I have experienced more, and I need more. That limit has been pushed, and so it isn't a limit anymore. I can go into my head, retreat into that space in my head I used so often when my mother was abusing me, and it is getting harder and harder for him to pull me out.... it requires more and more violence for him to get me out. And yet I want him to get me out.



This brings up lots of scary questions and looming possibilities for me. Am I not as vanilla and safe and "normal" as I thought? Am I losing the possibility of making love? Can I not enjoy tender, loving sex? Why do I need to be hit and beaten and scared to get into sex? Why does regular making out bore me to tears? If I need more and more to have my limits pushed, am I eventually going to hit a wall where either my Dom seriously injures me, or I'll just never enjoy sex again? Why can't I feel connected to him anymore through regular making out and sexual activities?



I've talked about a lot of issues on my sex blog, but this is one thing I don't have the answers to. It is scary, even for an adult, to wonder these things about yourself. To not know where the path ahead leads. To change your idea of who you thought you were. To wonder if your partner and you can keep finding new and higher heights of kink, higher limits to push, stronger boundaries to cross. To wonder if you are normal, or a total freak, that you can't enjoy kink AND vanilla.



A cursory glance around Fetlife seems to reassure me that I am not, at least, a freak. There are lots of women on here who seem to have settled happily into the knowledge that they are not what society tells them to be, they are not who our culture calls "normal." And they seem okay and happy with that. So I hope I can follow their lead. But it is still scary.

It's something I'm trying to figure out.

D/s and Ayn Rand?

I've been re-reading Atlas Shrugged, a monstrosity of philosphy and a masterpiece of literature. While I can't agree with Ayn Rand (Ayn is pronounced as though it rhymes with 'mine,' not 'man'), I'm struck anew by the many passages relating to one of her themes: a cold, strong, powerhouse of a woman is dominated sexually by a colder, stronger, more powerhouse of a man.

It's both academic and sexy.

Below are some examples from this novel:

The diamond band on the wrist of her naked arms gave her the most feminine of all aspects: the look of being chained.

and

Fransisco stopped, looked at her, and slapped her face.

She felt ...[a] violent pleasure that Francisco had done it. She felt pleasure frm the full, hot pain in her cheek and from the taste of blood in the corner of her mouth. She felt plesure in what she suddenly grasped about him, about herself and about his motive. She...stood facing him in he consciousness of a new power, feeling herself his equal for the first time.

"Come here," he ordered.

She laughed, stepping back. "Oh no. I want to keep it as it is. I hope it swells terribly. I like it."

and

He seized her, she felt her lips in his mouth, felt her arms graspig
him in violent answer, and knew for the fist time how mch she had wanted him to
do it. ...He held her, pressing the length of his body against hers with a tese,
purposeful insistence, his hand moving over her breasts as if he were learning a
proprietor's intimacy with her body, a shocking intimacy that needed no consent
from her, no permission. She tried to pull herself aay, but she only leaned back
against his arms long enough to see his face and his smile.

She knew that fear was useless, that he would do what he wished, that the
decision was his, that he left nothing possible to her except this thing she
wanted most--to submit.

and

She felt as if she were crying to him: Don't ask me for it--oh, don't ask me--do
it!

Sexy literature! :)

Eye Contact and Making Love

The other night, my Dom and I had a great experience through eye contact.

We cuddled, talked, and he held me while we talked softly about my past sexual traumas. This is something I actually enjoy talking about, since it opens up an emotional, vulnerable side of me that lets me access my deeper emotions. It is easier for me to feel emotionally close, vulnerable, and loved when sharing the pain of my past with someone.

After this, he held me and kissed me as he looked down into my eyes. Always afraid of eye contact, I found myself wanting it now. Sometimes, I would get too self conscious about a face I was making, and shut my eyes. Sometimes, it would feel too intense and I'd wonder what he was thinking, and shut my eyes.

But mostly, mostly it was wonderful.

Sweet, tender, amazing.

Intense.

I'd never known eye contact could do that. It changed "sex" into "making love."

Afterward, I cried. Real, happy tears. Sad tears, too. But it felt wonderful.

I highly recommend it.

The Sex Blog of a Christian Doule

I've been meaning to do this for a while.

I got busy with the beginning of school and work, and I kept drafting this blog in my head, but I didn't get around to it until today. For that, I apologize to Doule.

What I've been meaning to share with my readers is the blog by Doule.

Doule, for those of you who don't know (I didn't), is the Greek term for a bondwoman, servant, or attendant. That's the word doule. The person Doule is my friend--well, not friend in the real-life sense of the term, but she feels like a friend because I've come to know her through so many of her online writings on Fetlife and her blog. Eventually in the Christian groups on Fetlife, you begin to see postings by the same people, and they begin to become real people to you, not just names; people with personalities and beliefs and idiosyncracies and characters. Doule is one of those. She used to go by the FL name "Mze", which I now believe are initials but I always pronounced to myself as "maze," but she changed her screename a few weeks back to Doule. And Doule she is.

I wanted to share her blog because I believe it will be of interest to my readers. Her blog is a BDSM blog, a sex blog, a kink blog, a Christian blog, a woman's blog, a blog about a journey, about love lost, about a relationship with Christ, about the Holy Scriptures, about anal sex, about random ponderings, about breaking up, about sex toys, about thinking, and about life.

It's written totally different from my own style of writing, which I think is good. She has a very deep quality to her writing, yet her posts tend to be short and varied in nature. I go away thinking.

Whether you're an agnostic, a Christian, a Master looking to be a better leader, a sub wondering how to submit, a slave wondering how to live her faith, or a kinkster looking for kinky reads, you'll like this blog.

I like it because it's a real sex blog about the real sexual experiences of a woman who is first and foremost a Christian, yet undeniably a slave (doule). Whether you're there for the sex, the faith, or both, you'll like it.

Want to know more about FIOMA (Focus Is On My Ass) and how one woman struggled with it throughout a relationship where the man loved anal but she hated it and felt completely unloved?

Want a thought-provoking Biblical analysis on the difference between "submit" and "obey"?

A commentary on the moral and Scriptural case for or against Christianity and BDSM?

Are you and your kinky lover interested in chastity rings? (Can we say "Ouch!"?)

Or perhaps you're a Christian man who is or is hoping to be a Christian husband. Or a Christian woman who is or wants to be a godly wife. Or maybe you're a Christian couple who wonder how you can incorporate BDSM into your faith--or, possibly, how you can incorporate your faith into BDSM. This description of a husband's love and a wife's submission are for you.

Do you ever wonder how you can be a better slave to your earthly Master? Or a better slave to your Heavenly one? So what is a doule, anyway?

I loved this description of a dance of love between husband and wife, Christ and church.

Are you a slave or submissive who's ever struggled with balancing your desires and your submission?

As a sub, how do you relate to your Top and to your ultimate master, your God in heaven? As a top, how do you lead your sub and also submit to your God? This post will give you some food for thought!

Or if you're done with religion and BDSM for the day, this post on anal orgasms might tickle your fancy. I promise, it's completely about sex and sexuality, with no tricky religious problems thrown in. But it's still interesting!

Can a sub still have desires? When does she desire too much? When does she cease being a sub? When is she too submissive and becomes untrue to herself? Read The Tension to get some new perspective.

Need some spiritual uplifting? Check out the post God's Bride.

For Christians, what is the difference between a helpmeet and the weaker vessel? Can a woman be both? What does Scripture say?

And what is a Kyrios (Master), anyway?

I liked this commentary on 1 Peter 3 so much that I shared it with my Dom.

How can I, as a woman, be a better helpmeet to my mate?

I can't give you a taste of everything Doule has written on her blog, but these should get you started. Read, drink it up, post comments, read some more.

Enjoy!

The Servanthood of a Master

"Masters have to be more selfless than anyone."

This gem of a quote was taken from Fetlife member Seya, and I thank her for it.

I don't know is Seya is a Christian or not, but it spoke worlds to me. It's not a popular thought, certainly, that Masters (and Doms, tops, Daddies, Mommies, trainers, the list goes on...) would have to be anything but completely selfish, egotistical, self-pleasing sex machines. Some people have this idea that Masters must be the most selfish people in the world and all subs and slaves must be doormats.

Well, that's not always true.

But first let's talk about the times when it is true. There is no right or wrong way to do BDSM, so everyone gets to decide what is "right" in their relationship. Some Masters really do control everything about the slave and receive great satisfaction from having every sexual and emotional whim catered to. Likewise, there are some subs and slaves that honestly love to put their Master's needs first and live a completely selfless lifestyle. In these relationships, both members have carefully designed the relationship to fit their needs, and hopefully everyone is happy.

Then there are some Masters--usually single and trolling online dating and fetish sites--that seem to think that's what they want and that's what they're entitled to. They can't tell the difference between "a sub" and "MY sub." They automatically assume they can boss around every person who claims to be submissive without regarding that person's needs. It's sad but true: Fetlife and CollarMe are chock full of wanna-be Doms and Masters who will write a sub, completely ignoring the sub's profile, list of requirements, interests and kinks, or relationship status, and give them a list of commands that is both dirty and gross. I'm yet to meet a sub this worked on, but maybe they're out there.

But that's not the way it works in Christian relationships.

At least, not mine.

My Dom has far more asked of him than he asks of me. He takes the words of Scripture very seriously:

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.
-Ephesians 5:28

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing. -1 Peter 3:-9

My Dom tries to love me like God loves the Son, like Christ loves the Church, the way a man should love his wife. This calls for that popular Christian term, servant leadership.

Is he the Dom? Yes. It is always easy for us? No. Not with a fiery red-headed control freak in the house and a calm, people-pleasing man!

But he does it for me.

First Peter talks about husbands loving their wives as the "weaker partner." I've read commentaries that refer to women being physically weaker. My Dom and I agree that not only am I smaller and less strong physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. Sure, I'm a daughter of the Most High God and a powerhouse, but I still struggle. The world hurts me more than it hurts him. My feelings get hurt easier, I cry sooner, I whine more, I'm needier and more clingy, and I am more prone to doubts and valleys in my relationship with God.

So my Dom tries to do what God intends for him to do: be compassionate and humble. Even with me, his sub.

When I snap at him and am impossible to please, he forgives me and holds me.

When I'm stressed and unhappy, he puts his own stresses aside and holds me and "squishes my head" (my favorite safe-feeling position).

When I yell at him three times in one day over something stupid, then come crawling back saying how sorry I am, he is quick to forgive and let go. He does not repay insults in kind, but with blessings.

He wants to show me how God loves me.

So you'll see my manly Dom holding me and reassuring me instead of getting sex. Yes, and you'll even find him telling me that's okay, and he doesn't want to have sex if it will hurt or frighten me.

Yep, ladies and gentlemen, here is a Dom who puts my needs first.

You'll see him hopping up from the couch to bring me more food or water because I'm tired and I've had a hard day, even though he has, too. You'll see him crawling out of our warm bed because I just realized I forgot to lock the door. You'll see him giving me a loving back massage every night because I am terribly prone to physical ailments like knots and tensions that cause me pain. And because I like them.

I used to worry that made me the Domme and him the sub, because he was serving. But then I realized, he may have been serving, but I wasn't leading. And for me to be the Domme, I'd have to play the leader to his servant. Instead, he was leading me--and sometimes, that meant serving me. I was just the lucky recipient of his ministrations---not because I'd asked for them, not because I deserved them, but because he wanted to take care of me, body and soul.

Sounds a bit like Jesus, doesn't it?

In the bedroom, he still leads. He is the one pulling hair, slapping faces, calling names, and giving commands. I am the one trembling in terrified ecstasy to see where he'll take me next. But even sexually, my Dom is giving. Just like in the other areas of our life, he wants me to be taken care of. Like a good Master, he takes care of the needs of his sub. And so normally, you'll see him going without sex if I need to be held instead. You won't see him pushing anal sex on me because he knows it makes me uncomfortable. If I start to look uncomfortable or if I safeword out of a scene, my Dom stops and holds me, which makes me realize once again how terribly concerned he is about my safety and wellbeing. Most of the time, he brings me to multiple orgasms and then holds me as we drift to sleep, never once complaining about blueballs or a lack of attention to his Domly Organ. Why? Because he knows I'm uncomfortable with sex, and particularly penises, after several bad experiences in my past. So he doesn't push me to service him, or even to touch him if I don't want it, knowing that to do so would just freak me out and send me right back to being a victim. At first, I thought he was just waiting patiently for me to "get over it" and give him some, but after months and months and months of this behavior, I've finally realized that he really is content just to make me happy.

He makes me happy by leading me, and he leads me by serving me.

And that, my friends, is the servanthood of a Master.

Turn-ons and Turn-offs

Communication is so important in any relationship, and especially in a BDSM one, where lack of communication could mean emotional mistakes and physical pain. The more we communicate, the better we know one another, the more we understand how to turn one another one (emotionally and physically), and the more we can avoid hitting a raw nerve in the relationship.

Want to help your communication?

Both you and your spouse should write down your top 10 turn-ons and top 10 turn-offs. Don't share!

Once you're done, you should sit down and discuss the list. Don't just swap lists and read each other's silently. Go through each item one by one together, discussing it, asking questions, giving examples, and really making a discussion about it. You'll learn so much more about each other that way!

Don't judge each other's responses. Just discuss. The point here isn't to try to convince your spouse he's wrong or that she should change her mind, but to understand them better.

To give you an example, here are my top 10 turn-offs and turn-ons.

Turn-Offs:

• men who make me feel physically less feminine (short, thin, small hands and feet, unattractive, girly)
  whining
  not taking responsibility for your own actions/making excuses
  disregard for the less fortunate
  not caring when I'm upset
  certain smells (hot sauce, smoke, bad breath)
  cruelty to animals
  lack of chivalry and manners
  lying. Lying. LYING! Did I mention lying? Or any sort of dishonesty.
  male masturbation.

Turn-Ons:

• A warm smile and personality
• being good with kids and animals
• a light, clean scent
• selflessness
• physically making me feel feminine (being tall, having big hands and feet and dick, leading me with your hand at the small of my back)
• being extra thoughtful
• worrying about me
• being traditionally masculine
• talking dirty to me
• being vocal in bed (lots of feedback, moaning, etc.)

Commands for your Sub

All you tops, Doms, Dommes, Mistresses, Daddies, and Owners!

Sometimes in BDSM, the "real world" keeps a couple from the kinkiness and sex. You're too tired, too busy, or it's hard to get into the mindset of "Dom" and "sub" after a long day at work.

Here are some commands and phrases to try that can help a Dom and sub get into the right mindset:

• Look at me.
• Come here and kneel before me.
• Come to me, Slave Girl.
• Three...two...one.
• Mouth on my cock now.
• Excuse me?
• Try that again.
• Answer me, please.
• Come be my slave now.
• Do it now.
• Would you like to rephrase that?
• Try again.
• Pet, listen to me.
• Answer me.
• Come here.
• Over here, now!
• I'm going to spank you for that.
• I don't like your tone.
• I don't think so.
• What did you say?
• Come serve me.
• Kneel here, my pet.
• I want you to run my shower and then wait here to dry me off.
• Go set out our toys on the bed.
• Go set out my nightclothes, please.
• Refill my drink, Beloved.
• Don't you resist me!
• You'd better offer that ass up to me!
• Sit!
• Stop fighting it.
• Enough!
• How's that working for you?
• I'll give you a minute to rephrase that before you try that again.
• You know what to do and I damned well expect you to shape up and get it right.
• Understood?
• Didn't I tell you that already?
• Because I told you to.
• You're my bitch. Obey me.
• Get up, girl.
• On your knees.
• Get down.
• Sweetheart, you're not listening to your Daddy.
• Listen to Master.
• I said now!
• Get in position.
• Suck it now.
• Harder.
• Get into your position.
• Lean up against the wall with your hands. Now.
• Spread your legs for me.
• Spread your fucking legs!
• My sweet pet, you're going to get it later.
• Lower your pants and bend over my knee.

Also, for many subs it is the look in your eye and the tone of your voice that do it! It doesn't have to be mean or yelled, but a simple, calm, quiet command or a low grown will do wonders!

All these ideas due to the wonderful kinksters at Fetlife.