In books like Fifty Shades of Grey, as well as online kinky erotica, you'll find a lot of perfect scenes. Scenes that go exactly the way both Dom and sub want them to. Scenes that always end with mutual orgasms.
Let's have a reality check.
Sometimes scenes don't go that way. Sometimes scenes are horrible for me because they're a whole lot of pain and no pleasure. That is what my Dom wants, or maybe he didn't read me so well that time, or whatever. Sometimes scenes are pleasurable but not that much and I'd honestly be happier with a good book and a cold soda.
I've blogged about the ups and downs of our BDSM explorations, from the time my cat ruined our rope play to the first time we tried bondage and my Dom ended up bleeding profusely.
Romance novels, movies, and even our own BDSM community with all its focus on never-going-to-come-true erotica set us up to be disappointed. Sure, erotica can be very sexy (myself, I love the spanking stories from Domestic Discipline) but it doesn't always equal real life, where in fact I hate being spanked and get mouthy and angry real fast.
7/31/2012
7/30/2012
We had a scene and it was FABULOUS
We had a scene and it was FABULOUS. Simply fabulous.
I've been reading Fifty Shades of Grey and of course that has gotten me thinking, and therefore us talking, about BDSM relationships. While the relationship in 50 Shades is pretty textbook BDSM (if there is such a thing), it's still given us food for thought, mainly because it allows me to go back and remember how I felt and what I expected and hoped for when we first entered the BDSM scene. Obviously, we've evolved since then.
We had the same ole Talk.
You know, the one where I want him to force me and he wants me to just submit. Sigh.
Luckily, it didn't turn into a fight this time. Just talking. Trying to work past the frustrations in herent in our mutual incompatible desires and expectations when it comes to BDSM. When frustrations got high, we tried to take a calming step back and understand each other verbally, even if we didn't change our stance.
Of course, talking about it... I wanted it.
It's easier for me to get into the mood when I'm super, super relaxed.
Me being super, super relaxed never happens. Almost never. Maybe if I'm super exhausted or just taken a Xanax or something. Which doesn't happen a lot, let me tell you.
But yesterday, something clicked. I was relaxed enough. I just sat there. I soaked him in. I let him do whatever he wanted.
Boy, was it fantastic.
(Warning: Sexually Explicit Details! Not work-safe!)
He told me what to do. He touched me. He hurt me, a little but not much. He fingered me. He talked dirty to me, which was sooo hot. He told me he was punishing me for being too mouthy lately. He made me give him head, and I thought I couldn't take it but he kept grabbing my hair and making me do it anyway. I kept stopping to gag, and I was worried that disappointed him, but he just waited a few seconds and then kept right on going. Then he pushed me backwards onto the bed in an uncomfortable position and did not let me move. I kept wiggling and breathing hard but trying not to change positions! He flipped me onto the bed and had sex with me, just a little bit, then went back to fingering me, hard, too hard. It hurt, it hurt, I wanted him to be gentler, but I kept coming and he kept telling me not to move my hands or my head. I came and came until I was worn out from coming, and it hurt so much, and when he finally, finally let me up, I started laughing, just laughing, from relief and happiness and the best. sex. ever! And then he cleaned my vibrator and used it on me, and I was so turned on and sensitive to his touch that I just sat there in exquisite agony and kept getting so close to coming over the brink but I never could, the torture just went on and on. And when it finally happened it was superb.
I was so happy. I felt so good. He made me feel so delicious. He gave me pleasure. I wanted to please him. I wanted him. I respected him, loved him, wanted to make him happy. And at the end I was an exhausted, panting, satisfied woman.
People, this never happens except in the romance novels. It was AWESOME!
Thank you to my honey. I am a very happy woman today.
I've been reading Fifty Shades of Grey and of course that has gotten me thinking, and therefore us talking, about BDSM relationships. While the relationship in 50 Shades is pretty textbook BDSM (if there is such a thing), it's still given us food for thought, mainly because it allows me to go back and remember how I felt and what I expected and hoped for when we first entered the BDSM scene. Obviously, we've evolved since then.
We had the same ole Talk.
You know, the one where I want him to force me and he wants me to just submit. Sigh.
Luckily, it didn't turn into a fight this time. Just talking. Trying to work past the frustrations in herent in our mutual incompatible desires and expectations when it comes to BDSM. When frustrations got high, we tried to take a calming step back and understand each other verbally, even if we didn't change our stance.
Of course, talking about it... I wanted it.
It's easier for me to get into the mood when I'm super, super relaxed.
Me being super, super relaxed never happens. Almost never. Maybe if I'm super exhausted or just taken a Xanax or something. Which doesn't happen a lot, let me tell you.
But yesterday, something clicked. I was relaxed enough. I just sat there. I soaked him in. I let him do whatever he wanted.
Boy, was it fantastic.
(Warning: Sexually Explicit Details! Not work-safe!)
He told me what to do. He touched me. He hurt me, a little but not much. He fingered me. He talked dirty to me, which was sooo hot. He told me he was punishing me for being too mouthy lately. He made me give him head, and I thought I couldn't take it but he kept grabbing my hair and making me do it anyway. I kept stopping to gag, and I was worried that disappointed him, but he just waited a few seconds and then kept right on going. Then he pushed me backwards onto the bed in an uncomfortable position and did not let me move. I kept wiggling and breathing hard but trying not to change positions! He flipped me onto the bed and had sex with me, just a little bit, then went back to fingering me, hard, too hard. It hurt, it hurt, I wanted him to be gentler, but I kept coming and he kept telling me not to move my hands or my head. I came and came until I was worn out from coming, and it hurt so much, and when he finally, finally let me up, I started laughing, just laughing, from relief and happiness and the best. sex. ever! And then he cleaned my vibrator and used it on me, and I was so turned on and sensitive to his touch that I just sat there in exquisite agony and kept getting so close to coming over the brink but I never could, the torture just went on and on. And when it finally happened it was superb.
I was so happy. I felt so good. He made me feel so delicious. He gave me pleasure. I wanted to please him. I wanted him. I respected him, loved him, wanted to make him happy. And at the end I was an exhausted, panting, satisfied woman.
People, this never happens except in the romance novels. It was AWESOME!
Thank you to my honey. I am a very happy woman today.
7/29/2012
The "Right" Kind of Sub
I've been perusing Submissive Guide again, getting caught up on some forum discussions and browsing new articles. I just can't make myself get onto FetLife again, since I've gotten bored with the same-ole, same-ole questions and answers about D/s and subs that have always been asked and answered, but I am dying for some new information on BDSM. That's why I started this blog; I could not find a lot of info on BDSM for newbies to the lifestyle!
But today I did find a good article on Souls Haven, and here is an excerpt:
But I am definitely in agreement with this quote. It can be easy to feel like you have to fit into a particular "box" in this lifestyle. Like if you are a sub you have to fit into the style of "sub" the websites describe, or the same for a slave or Dom or even a switch.
As a newbie, I really struggled with what kind of a sub I was. Did I want a contract or rules or not? Once I got them, they scared me and I didn't want to obey them. Did I need to be a masochist to be a sub? I tried pain play but I wasn't sure I really liked it. What I did like, however, was the mind play. I think this quote puts it better than I have ever heard it phrased, "the mental trust issues that D/s entails". This is the part I struggle with and yearn for most. I want to submit. Or, do I want to be conquered? Or do I want to be forced to submit, which is not really submitting? But I definitely don't want to be forced... It can get confusing. Just ask my Dom!
But there's really no right or wrong. The only true difficulty is in finding what kind of a sub I am, what kind of Dom my husband is, and then finding what kind of D/s we want to have. This is hard for us, and we've been working at it on and off for three years. We really aren't sure exactly what we want. I think he needs to think about it more and I need to think about it less. ;-) And also, I think it is easier for us than perhaps it is for some other subs and Doms, because the norm on FetLife and the web seems to be that most people in this lifestyle aren't monogamous and try scenes with multiple partners, sometimes just as a trial run and maybe only once with the same person. I'm sure for those people, it can be really hard not to fall into the trap of believing that there is one kind of "right sub" because if they are not the style of sub that Dom is looking for, they can feel guilty and like a disappointment. It's not to say my Dom and I don't struggle with this sometimes, trying to mesh our ideas and frustrations with what we want, but a lot of that difficulty becomes a non-issue because we don't play with other people.
I wonder sometimes what it would be like to play with someone else, but it takes too much trust and vulnerability to ever try that, so we've agreed playing with other partners would be too close to adultery, even if there were no sex involved. Therefore, I am spared having to deal with new Doms and new styles, and I can just concentrate on trying to figure out what the heck is going on in my own marriage. :-)
But today I did find a good article on Souls Haven, and here is an excerpt:
You decide how submissive you are. You decide if you want to scene or if you want to be in a lifestyle relationship. It's your decision if you want to play with toys or if you prefer hands. It's your decision how hard "too hard" is. It's your decision if you would like to add sadism and masochism to your play or if you honestly just want to deal with the mental trust issues that D/s entails.For me, I've tried scenes and I've tried lifestyle and everything in between. I'm still trying to find my niche. Am I D/s or BDSM or DD or Taken in Hand or CDD? I'm not sure!!!! I'm a little of all of them. Or maybe some weird mix. I don't know.
But I am definitely in agreement with this quote. It can be easy to feel like you have to fit into a particular "box" in this lifestyle. Like if you are a sub you have to fit into the style of "sub" the websites describe, or the same for a slave or Dom or even a switch.
As a newbie, I really struggled with what kind of a sub I was. Did I want a contract or rules or not? Once I got them, they scared me and I didn't want to obey them. Did I need to be a masochist to be a sub? I tried pain play but I wasn't sure I really liked it. What I did like, however, was the mind play. I think this quote puts it better than I have ever heard it phrased, "the mental trust issues that D/s entails". This is the part I struggle with and yearn for most. I want to submit. Or, do I want to be conquered? Or do I want to be forced to submit, which is not really submitting? But I definitely don't want to be forced... It can get confusing. Just ask my Dom!
But there's really no right or wrong. The only true difficulty is in finding what kind of a sub I am, what kind of Dom my husband is, and then finding what kind of D/s we want to have. This is hard for us, and we've been working at it on and off for three years. We really aren't sure exactly what we want. I think he needs to think about it more and I need to think about it less. ;-) And also, I think it is easier for us than perhaps it is for some other subs and Doms, because the norm on FetLife and the web seems to be that most people in this lifestyle aren't monogamous and try scenes with multiple partners, sometimes just as a trial run and maybe only once with the same person. I'm sure for those people, it can be really hard not to fall into the trap of believing that there is one kind of "right sub" because if they are not the style of sub that Dom is looking for, they can feel guilty and like a disappointment. It's not to say my Dom and I don't struggle with this sometimes, trying to mesh our ideas and frustrations with what we want, but a lot of that difficulty becomes a non-issue because we don't play with other people.
I wonder sometimes what it would be like to play with someone else, but it takes too much trust and vulnerability to ever try that, so we've agreed playing with other partners would be too close to adultery, even if there were no sex involved. Therefore, I am spared having to deal with new Doms and new styles, and I can just concentrate on trying to figure out what the heck is going on in my own marriage. :-)
7/23/2012
Facepalm
Good grief.
It looks like the baby got hold of my phone and either emailed or texted part of a very sensitive discussion between my husband and me about BDSM, our relationship, D/s, and sexual attraction. And she emailed it TO MY DAD.
I might die of embarrassment.
I just got this text saying, "Did you email this to me? Something is not working right..."
*Facepalm*
It looks like the baby got hold of my phone and either emailed or texted part of a very sensitive discussion between my husband and me about BDSM, our relationship, D/s, and sexual attraction. And she emailed it TO MY DAD.
I might die of embarrassment.
I just got this text saying, "Did you email this to me? Something is not working right..."
*Facepalm*
7/10/2012
One Lovely Blog
Thanks to Dauntless Vitality for nominating me for the One Lovely Blog Award! I appreciate it!
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Seven things you will not know about me:
Fifteen of my favorite blogs that I think deserve a One Lovely Blog Award:
D/s, BDSM, and Sexuality:
The rules of acceptance are, mention and thank the person who nominated you (see above), tell your readers 7 unknown things about yourself, and nominate 15 of your own favorite blogs for the One Lovely Blog Award, with links.
Here goes!
Seven things you will not know about me:
- I vote Democrat 100% of the time but am staunchly pro-life
- I believe redheads and cats are superior to the rest of us
- My perfect day is alone all day in bed with a good book and computer, with a big bowl of cookie dough and a spoon
- I think marijuana should be legal for those over 21
- I once drove for 2 weeks with my brights on and didn't realize it
- The hottest attribute I see in men is height. Oh, I'm a sucker for guys over 5'11".
- I wish God had made humans to run on sweets and processed foods instead of whole grains and vegetables
Fifteen of my favorite blogs that I think deserve a One Lovely Blog Award:
D/s, BDSM, and Sexuality:
- Stormy at Shelter in the Storm
- Dannah at Subtypical
- Clarisse Thorn
- Rogue Bambi at Past the Hurt
- Jake at Jake's Writings I Save- must be invited to read this blog
- Sara at Finding Sara
- Kaya at Under His Hand (very funny blog)
- The Bloggess (general humor)
- Kelly Mom (parenting, breastfeeding, infants)
- Chloe's Nails (nail art)
- The Couple to Couple League's NFP Blog (natural family planning)
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