Safewords in CNC Relationships

Can a CNC ("consensual non-consent") relationship have a safeword?

My answer is yes.

I know CNC relationships don't have to have safewords. I know some people who feel that a slave or sub having a safeword means the Dom does not have total control. Hence the quote, "A slave with a safeword is just a Domme on her knees." I know some Masters/Mistresses/Doms/Dommes live by this and don't allow their slaves to have safewords. I also know slaves and subs who do not want a safeword and that is okay too. I'm not saying you have to have one. I'm just saying that I do.

My Dom wants me to have a safeword because he wants to make sure he never pushes me past the point of "hurting" me to "permanently damaging" me. He can't read my mind, and I think he'll admit he's not a super perceptive person with these kinds of things.

I want to have a safeword because, well, it keeps me safe. It makes me evaluate what is happening to me: am I upset or am I being harmed? is it in my best interest to stop this activity?

We have both agreed that my safeword is to be used in emergencies only, when I need it, and not just when I don't feel like doing something. It is a way for me to tell my Dom that I am freaking out and need to stop for my emotional health and safety, not a way for me to express my dislike of an activity we're doing (that's what fighting, squirming, crying, and begging are for :-D)

There have been times I have hated something he was doing to me (usually something that triggers me, like getting in my personal space too much) and was panicking, but as long as I could take it, I didn't safeword. (No, it's not about proving anything; it's about only using my safeword when I honestly need to.)

LoriAdorable and Rogue Bambi are both bloggers who have mentioned that they sometimes feel uncomfortable with CNC relationships because the sub doesn't have a safeword. They rightly point out that a sub could end up in an abusive relationship that way. I'm just saying that the sub can have a safeword. Those relationships do exist. Mine is an example.

Who Rules Over You?

This today, as I'm bent over our dresser receiving my punishment for being disrespectful:

"Who rules over you?"

"You."

"Who rules over you?"

*gasp* "You."

"For whom is your desire?"

My stubborn heart melted just a bit. I whimpered. "You."

"That's right."

And we continued on in silence.

Improvements

If I had to describe the growth of our D/s relationship over time, this is what it would look like: Oh, it's definitely improving. But it is a process of ups and downs, hashing and re-hashing the same issues (consistency, submission, power struggles, goals), of happiness followed by fights and tears followed by happiness. We are definitely in a two-steps-forward, one-step-back pattern (which is much better than the traditional one-forward, two-back pattern).

When we discovered D/s I pretty much thought our relationship would look like this:

or, if I were being more realistic, maybe on our bad days, more like this:

but that hasn't really happened. And that's okay. Because marriage is hard work and we come to it with ideals of perfection but we quickly realize that life won't always work that way but we can still work hard and have a happy, fulfilling life.

Marriage psychology states that "healthy fighting" becomes "unhealthy fighting" when you get into a rut. In other words, when no resolution can be found. When you fight again and again about the same things, that's a sure signal that your last fight didn't actually have the resolution you thought it did. For us, I noticed we were fighting repeatedly, at intervals of every few weeks, about me not taking enough responsibility and him not being strict enough.

In that situation, there are only three solutions as I see it:

1. you can keep fighting and re-fighting about the same things forever


2. you can give up D/s altogether and become vanilla


3. you can change something to find a real solution, because obviously what you're doing isn't working.

So I cried a bit and got discouraged and talked about giving up D/s, but in the end I decided that #3 was definitely the best solution, because you see, I am not a "throw-in-the-towel" type of girl. And obviously what we'd been trying was not working, so that left me with the question, "What am I going to change?"

Because eventually I had to realize that he cannot be the only one to change. And my Dom had to realize that I could not be the only one to change. It's easy to say, "If only he would...!" or "If only she would...!" but that obviously wasn't working because neither of us were.

So we both had to be willing to give up our idea of "Perfect D/s" where our woes were completely the other person's fault, and try to compromise.

Sigh.

(Oh, by the way, I hate to compromise when I think I am right.)

...

(But who doesn't?)

So I said yes, I could be more submissive. And after a long talk, he showed me for the first time that when I was not submissive and forced him to make me submit all the time, he felt like we weren't on the same team. I had never known that. So I am trying to show him verbally and through my actions that I am on his team.

And he said yes, he could be stricter and less lenient. What he thought was grace and forgiveness I saw as weakness and inconsistency. So he could be more harsh and strict with me if that's what I wanted.

I'm not saying our relationship is now going to look like this:

although that would be nice. Because I'm sure it will actually continue looking a lot more like this:

but that's okay. Because that is a pattern of forward growth and just like we will never have the perfect marriage and I will never be the perfect Christian, we will never have a perfect D/s relationship. There is always room to grow and improve, but the important thing is that you keep doing that.

And there have been definite improvements.

Today, he said he wanted to talk. He asked me, "What are you going to do to be more submissive? And what can I do to be more dominant?"

Usually, I have to bring up our D/s conversations, but this one, he initiated. He was taking an active role in making our relationship better, and I appreciated that. Also, it made me really think, What am I going to do to be more submissive? (I am still chewing that one over for right now... more on that when I figure it out.)

Today, we started to have a fight about whether he should help my dad paint his house or go shopping with me. But it never really turned into a fight. Because once it became clear we wanted two different things (guess which one I wanted? haha), he just stopped the conversation and said, "Ok, I'm making a decision. I'm going to go help your father, and I will go shopping with you later. I understand what you want and I'm sorry we don't agree, but this is the right thing to do and it's my decision." And so there was no fight. And I accepted his decision and pouted a bit but did not sulk, and we hugged and he went outside to work and told me to come write a blog and relax and enjoy myself. So I have.

That was also an improvement.

And yesterday, I came up to him and felt needy and needed a hug. And I asked him if this was real and would it last. And he held me close and said, "Admit to me that sometimes you can't control yourself and you need me to help you do it."

Well, I felt a little piqued. I pouted and didn't want to admit such a thing. I countered (brilliantly, I thought!) with, "Well, don't you lose your temper, too? No one controls themselves all the time!"

And he smiled and said, "That's not what I asked you. I think I asked you first."

So instead of being stubborn, I sighed and said in a very small voice, "Yes."

And he wrapped his arms around me and said confidently, "Good. Then I will help you do it. And yes, sometimes I lose my temper, too, and I'm sorry for it." And I went away feeling understood and happy.

So that was also an improvement.

And today, he told me to go inside and relax. I said I needed to get some work done. He said I had plenty of time to work later, and I'm always complaining I never get to read my blog list or just read a book, and to go do something fun. I remembered that I'd promised to fight him less and be more submissive, so I just decided to obey him and feel grateful that he was looking out for me and wanted me to relax, instead of getting miffed that he was controlling me. So I scowled at him and went inside and did what he said. And when he came in to check on me, I had a good attitude about it.

So there was another improvement.

Two steps forward, one step back.

Two steps forward.

Shows of Dominance

On my earlier post Dynamic Needs in D/s, a reader left this comment:

"I like to be made to do something," I said. "I want to know that you have power over me and are stronger than me. My need is to be forced."

Can you explain the actual power and actual force that you want him to exhibit. I see this kind of complaint often but know one offering an example of what a solution would look like.

This is a good question. I am sure the answer is different for every sub or slave, but I'll try to explain the power and force I crave.




In the animal kingdom, animals show dominance in many ways. We humans are not much different! What do animals and humans have in common?

• They strut, posture, or "puff up" (I love when my tiny white cat does this!)


• They make threatening noises (growls and hisses for animals; tone of voice for us)


• They glare (same for animals and humans!)


• They go for the throat


• They go for the back of the neck


• They hit a "warning hit" (not to injure)


• When that doesn't work, they hit to injure

I like when my Dom uses any of the above. Sometimes it's just a fierce glare and a tone that brokes no argument. Once, we were on the verge of having a fight because he felt he should go help my dad paint the house and I wanted him to spend time with me. His tone did the trick. "I am going out to help your father," he said firmly to me.

"Fine! I'll just go shopping!"

"If you try to leave, I will start a fight in front of your dad. I am not scared."

Well, the tone worked. I made a pouty face and gave in, he came and hugged me, and he went out to work and I went and used my computer.

What are some other ways my Dom "makes me" do things?

Sometimes he uses his physical size to his advantage, even though he is not much bigger than me. He will hold my hands down or pin them behind my back. He will invade my personal space so I back down.

Other times, he will use the throat or back-of-the-neck technique. If he grabs the back of my neck and squeezes, just like a lion biting a lioness, I will squirm and then give in. If I'm being really out of control, he'll grab me by the throat, squeeze, push his face against mine, and threaten me in a low voice. That pretty much always works because it scares me and then I cry and give in. ;)

Animals will give "warning hits" without trying to injure. For instance, dogs will nip before they bite or cats will box each other before they pull out the claws and teeth. I think this is the equivalent of a maintenance spanking in DD or when my Dom will lightly smack me to get my attention. If my behavior gets really bad, though, he will spank me for real--until it really hurts. Of course, he has always been careful not to injure me or leave permanent marks or bruises.

And sometimes, it's more simple than that. He will stop, look me in the eyes, and say, "You'd better do what I say, or else ____________."

My brain does a fast computation of the risk (is doing X worth receiving the punishment Y? Is he bluffing or will he really follow through?) and usually, I give in, because usually, I decide that it's not worth whatever punishment he's threatening.

And that is what I mean by saying "He makes me."

When Punishment Brings Restoration

I've always cognitively understood why subs on DD websites would post things like, "I just want him to punish me!" but I can't say I ever really understood on an emotional or instinctual level.

My mind can logically accept that some women want to be punished. They want the catharsis, they want to feel they've had their consequence and it's over and all is forgiven, or maybe they just want to feel taken in hand by their husbands. I read on a lot of DD blogs how after a spanking or other punishment, couples regain their intimacy and are able to make love or have a loving, cuddly evening together because the air has been cleared, negative emotions have been dealt with and talked out (or beaten out *wink*), and there is a feeling of relief.

But I'd never really felt that way.

I either felt angry after a punishment, or angry because he wasn't punishing me. If he punished me, I'd sulk, thinking, "How dare he act like I'm the only one wrong?" or "He's such a jerk, ignoring my misbehavior and being inconsistent for days, and then trying to take back control out of nowhere!" Punishment never really resulted in the return to emotional intimacy that DD websites described.

I think punishments, whether spanking or not, have several goals:

• Remorse. The Dom gives a negative consequence (lecture, spanking, written assignment on what she did wrong) to encourage or even force the sub to see the error of her ways and feel remorse. Without remorse, there can be no change in the future, so I think it's necessary a good punishment end with remorse.


• Justice. I have a rigid black-and-white view of the world. Things being unfair or unjust bother me like an itch under the skin. If I've wronged my husband, receiving a punishment in measure with my offense can make me relax because all is right with the world again.


• Emotional Catharsis. A lot of DD and CDD websites advocate spanking until the woman cries. I don't know if that's necessary, but I think once a man fights through the anger, pain, and stubborness and finally breaks that final barrier, there can be great emotional healing. I know several DD couples who use spanking as a way to basically "beat" a bad attitude out of the woman, clear the air of negative feelings, and restore marital harmony.


• Intimacy. Instead of sulking and fighting all night, quick and decisive punishment stops a bad behavior in its tracks. Instead of letting a woman leave the house, lock the door, or scream at him all night, a man takes the issue in control, deals with it, and they can put it behind them. Intimacy and harmony are restored. (Yes, I've heard of women who needed two or three or even four spankings in a night before their attitude finally changed!)


• Reinforcement of Boundaries. Fights inevitably become power struggles between the two people. Punishment is a clear way to reinforce that the HoH is in charge and the woman is not. Instead of struggling for power all night, the couple can accept the way things are and get to the business of talking about their issues and resolving them within their pre-agreed-upon boundaries: man in charge, woman as helpmeet.

These are great goals, but I'd never really understood. It had never happened to me. Maybe the punishments didn't come consistently enough. Maybe I'm too stubborn and hell-bent on being right. Probably... both?

Either way, I'd never felt remorse and we rarely felt intimacy after. He felt like I wasn't on his team and I felt like he wasn't being consistent.

Last night, for the first time, a punishment really worked with me. We'd had a bad fight. We'd both said some mean things. We were both exhausted and drained.

We stuck it out (meaning: he didn't get mad and leave and I didn't get hurt and shut him out), which took a lot of effort for both of us. It's harder to stay in a room and fight with someone you love for 4 fours than it is to storm out and go feel self-righteous.

But we stayed.

And we talked.

And our talk went up and down, closer to resolution and then farther away, but we kept at it.

Finally, finally, exhausted and in the wee hours of the night, we had talked it all out. We'd both aired our grievances and apologized. We'd both shared how hurt we were and both tried to compromise and say we would work on some things.

It was time to go to bed.

After a fight like that, even after we've apologized and forgiven each other, I just can't have a good night's sleep. There is just too much negativity bottled up in me after all that. I will have a terrible night with nightmares. I will wake up upset from residual bad emotions. It will ruin my day the next day as well.

As we laid there, drifting to sleep and cuddling, I suddenly understood. I wanted him to punish me. I wanted him to take me in hand and show me that my bad behavior was not acceptable and would not be tolerated. I wanted him to clear the air between us. I wanted to feel close to him again. I didn't want our night and tomorrow to be ruined. I wanted to restore our relationship.

It's hard to admit that to your husband. But I rolled over and traced my hand up and down his stomach. I admitted how I felt.

He was willing. He was very, very willing.

The air felt charged with erotic tension as I waited for him to decide what to do. He said he didn't want me to whine or complain or tell him he didn't punish me enough or he punished me too much. With bated breath, I promised that I would open myself to his authority. He could punish me as he wanted to. I would not complain or criticize.

I felt.... open. Submissive. I wanted things to be right between us. I was sorry for hurting him. I wanted him to punish me for it so I knew he was my head and authority, and so the air could be cleared between us.

I didn't like all the punishments he chose. But when I whimpered, he reminded me softly, "You said you would open yourself to me." And so I did.

He punished me in several different ways. Some were, frankly, highly erotic for both of us. Some were not. I accepted them either way.

There was a change in my Dom. He took the power I gave him and he wielded it. He seemed more strong and self-assured. He knew what he wanted. He told me what I'd done wrong as he punished me. He told me how he was going to punish me. He asked me, "What did you do wrong today?" He made me, in the middle of being punished, list off the things I'd done that were disrespectful or hard-hearted. Listing them while being punished was powerful for me. It made an immediate connection in my head between my behavior and the punishment. I couldn't play the victim or pretend that he was the jerk here.

When I needed a break to be cuddled and reassured, he was quick to oblige. His strong arms held me as I curled into his neck and cried about how sorry I was. He kissed me and told me he loved me and that he was sorry, too. When I was done being reassured, he put me back in position and kept punishing me.

It meant a lot to me that he didn't just cut the punishment short because I was sorry. He was loving and gentle, but firm. He insisted on giving me every bit of that punishment I'd deserved. If he had relented, I'd have felt cheated. I wouldn't have had that emotional catharsis. I would have questioned his authority ("Can I manipulate my way out of things just by acting sorry? Why isn't he following through on what he said he'd do?"). But he gave me 100% of the punishment he'd decided was fair for me and told me I'd be getting. He didn't slack off or relent. It made him seem so strong and masculine in my eyes.

Often, punishments to me seem too short. I feel they're too lenient for whatever I've done. Not this one.

At one point, I asked him, "Why aren't you being punished? You were wrong, too."

He looked down at me, seeming big and strong in my eyes. I felt a little in awe of him.

He didn't seem threatened by my question. "I'm sorry, too," he told me. "But I answer to God. God will punish me. You answer to me."

My heart felt washed clean. I breathed huge sighs of shuddering relief. Everything was right with the world. Everything was fair. I was being taken care of. My bad behavior was being dealt with decisively and strictly. My husband loved me and I loved him. We were on the same team. Intimacy was restored. I felt... grateful.

When he was finished, he brought me water and made me drink it. I cuddled up next to him as close as I could get. He tenderly wrapped the blankets around my naked body. I was seized by a fear this might not last. He reassured me.

Whispering loving words in each other's ears, curled around each other, we drifted into peaceful sleep.