Even in BDSM relationships, keeping your sexual relationship new and exciting can be hard.
The good news is, the online BDSM community provides hundreds of sites with information on exactly how to keep your sex life interesting, fun, and kinky.
A lot of magazines and sites have really dull sex tip pages full of the same information over... and over... again. Seriously. Check out these sex tips from Cosmo, Men's Health, and SexInfo101. "Try a little hand lotion for a blow job... try somewhere semi-public... Star Wars sex positions... kiss her ears or neck (I mean, really?)... try foreplay with food...
Not only are these tips a bit overdone, but I think they're generally things most of us could probably figure out by ourselves.
With BDSM, it's easier to find truly kinky, out-there tips. Take figging, for example, where the Dom carefully peels a large piece of fresh ginger and inserts it into his sub's bottom, usually to make the sting that much worse while he spanks her. Or a drawn-out punishment scene, including not just spanking but also a lecture about what was done wrong, a warm-up, and maybe even some orgasms. There are dozens of ways to be tied up, not to mention all the gags and whips and paddles that can be bought or adapted from household items. There's needle play, role play, interrogation scenes, puppy or other animal play, cages, St. Andrew's crosses, suspension, leashes, forced servitude, and dungeons. Honestly, I think you can find just about anything online that will help keep your kinky relationship new and fun.
While I don't generally get turned on by spanking websites, I do find Taken in Hand and CDD sites to be very hot. While my husband isn't turned on by the idea of me as a pet horse, he loves the idea of me tied up and gagged on the bed. Everyone has their own likes... often, the problem is communicating them openly (even I get shy about telling my Dom what I want sometimes) and not being afraid to admit what you want. I mean, I try to tense up and hold my breath when my Dom gets close to doing something I want, but sometimes he still isn't sure what I'm trying to get him to do and I have to suck it up and ask for it... or go without.
So if you're over the cliché "tips" from vanilla sites.... go kinky. :)
2/21/2011
2/10/2011
Does Marriage Ruin Sex?
I was looking back over the emails my husband (who was then my boyfriend) and I wrote when I lived in Europe.
Boy, were they sexy.
We weren't having sex yet, but I think that made our chemistry better.
We talked so much about what we wanted.... our desires, our fantasies, our hopes. Because we weren't together, we spent a lot of phone time and chat time discussing our sexual histories and what we hoped for. We talked about what we thought was hot. I did research on BDSM and shared links and ideas with him.
All that talking about communicating got me... really hot and bothered.
I think the word for what we were doing is "seduction."
Now that we live in the same house and can actually have sex, it's lost a lot of its appeal for me. I think for me, sex is 95% mental. We can be having sex, and it feels good, and I might even have an orgasm that ranks at about a 4 on a 1-10 scale, but then he'll tell me to call him daddy or say something really wrong and sexy and I'll have an orgasm that's WAY better, completely based on what he just said and no what he was doing.
People say your biggest sex organ is your brain. I guess they are right, for me at least.
It's a lot less sexy to have sex when you just.... have sex. It's a lot hotter when you can't have sex, and you're forced to talk about it and want it and wish for it and imagine it without ever getting to experience it.
Marriage has ruined the "sexy wrong" part of sex for me. It's a bummer, I know. But it's taken away about 97% of what I thought was hot and sexy anyway. Now, even if we talk about it or communicate, I just feel like we're talking so we can go into the bedroom and do it, not for the pure sexy pleasure of talking about it. And when I feel pressured to do it, like I know it's expected, it again makes it a lot less sexy.
Being pregnant, I'm having a LOT of horny dreams lately. In my dreams, I'm completely turned on and my husband is usually teasing me for hours or punishing me.
In real life? We just don't have time for that anymore. We don't have 3 hours to set up a scene and slowly torture me, screw with my head, make me cry, turn me on, and then have sex. Maybe if we ever had the same days off, but we don't. Plus he hates to tie me up or choke me or upset me too much when I'm pregnant, which I totally understand.
But I'm re-reading our old emails, and I think they're very sexy and hot. Maybe we can get that back some day.
Let's hope!
Boy, were they sexy.
We weren't having sex yet, but I think that made our chemistry better.
We talked so much about what we wanted.... our desires, our fantasies, our hopes. Because we weren't together, we spent a lot of phone time and chat time discussing our sexual histories and what we hoped for. We talked about what we thought was hot. I did research on BDSM and shared links and ideas with him.
All that talking about communicating got me... really hot and bothered.
I think the word for what we were doing is "seduction."
Now that we live in the same house and can actually have sex, it's lost a lot of its appeal for me. I think for me, sex is 95% mental. We can be having sex, and it feels good, and I might even have an orgasm that ranks at about a 4 on a 1-10 scale, but then he'll tell me to call him daddy or say something really wrong and sexy and I'll have an orgasm that's WAY better, completely based on what he just said and no what he was doing.
People say your biggest sex organ is your brain. I guess they are right, for me at least.
It's a lot less sexy to have sex when you just.... have sex. It's a lot hotter when you can't have sex, and you're forced to talk about it and want it and wish for it and imagine it without ever getting to experience it.
Marriage has ruined the "sexy wrong" part of sex for me. It's a bummer, I know. But it's taken away about 97% of what I thought was hot and sexy anyway. Now, even if we talk about it or communicate, I just feel like we're talking so we can go into the bedroom and do it, not for the pure sexy pleasure of talking about it. And when I feel pressured to do it, like I know it's expected, it again makes it a lot less sexy.
Being pregnant, I'm having a LOT of horny dreams lately. In my dreams, I'm completely turned on and my husband is usually teasing me for hours or punishing me.
In real life? We just don't have time for that anymore. We don't have 3 hours to set up a scene and slowly torture me, screw with my head, make me cry, turn me on, and then have sex. Maybe if we ever had the same days off, but we don't. Plus he hates to tie me up or choke me or upset me too much when I'm pregnant, which I totally understand.
But I'm re-reading our old emails, and I think they're very sexy and hot. Maybe we can get that back some day.
Let's hope!
1/29/2011
Pregnant Sex
Pregnant sex is no fun at all.
First, you feel sick and bloated and hot. You don't want to be touched at all. And everything is sore. And you are so much more susceptible to UTIs and yeast infections.
But we tried it once... because I felt guilty that my poor Dom has had no sex in the 3 miserable-feeling weeks since I found out I was pregnant.... and it went okay.
He had to go very, very, VERY slowly. And I hate the intimacy of sex, even after over a year of marriage. Those abuse issues, even when you know what they are, can be difficult to work through. Sex apparently makes other people feel horny, good, relaxed, close, and pleasured. It makes me feel stressed and panicky. So he went very slowly.
But the only time I kind of/sort of relaxed was when he put his hand on my throat and chest and pushed down on me. I could still breathe, but I felt controlled, and then I was able to relax.
Of course, then he wanted to know if I could take my shirt off---I hate intimacy so I always, always want to keep at least some clothes on--and since I was feeling dominated I hated to disappoint him, so when I said no I immediately burst into tears.
Then he was very nice, hugging me and reassuring me that he wasn't disappointed, so I calmed down and could sort of enjoy it.
It just seems unfair that sex should take all this trouble and work and effort and strain. It's supposed to be natural and pleasurable, right???? Sigh.
So far, being pregnant feels like having a low-grade fever ALL THE TIME. I don't feel terrible, but I definitely don't feel normal or good. It's exhausting.
I'm honestly not sure how people ever, ever have a second pregnancy if this is how they feel the first time through.
The scary thing is, I'm only 5 weeks along....!
So now it's Saturday, and I can't even enjoy it because I'm sitting here, awake too early, feeling just feverish enough and just sick enough at my stomach to wish I were at least asleep so I could be passing time obliviously. I need to clean up a bit.... fun, fun, fun.
Sorry for the bummed-out post.... nothing much else to write about here.
First, you feel sick and bloated and hot. You don't want to be touched at all. And everything is sore. And you are so much more susceptible to UTIs and yeast infections.
But we tried it once... because I felt guilty that my poor Dom has had no sex in the 3 miserable-feeling weeks since I found out I was pregnant.... and it went okay.
He had to go very, very, VERY slowly. And I hate the intimacy of sex, even after over a year of marriage. Those abuse issues, even when you know what they are, can be difficult to work through. Sex apparently makes other people feel horny, good, relaxed, close, and pleasured. It makes me feel stressed and panicky. So he went very slowly.
But the only time I kind of/sort of relaxed was when he put his hand on my throat and chest and pushed down on me. I could still breathe, but I felt controlled, and then I was able to relax.
Of course, then he wanted to know if I could take my shirt off---I hate intimacy so I always, always want to keep at least some clothes on--and since I was feeling dominated I hated to disappoint him, so when I said no I immediately burst into tears.
Then he was very nice, hugging me and reassuring me that he wasn't disappointed, so I calmed down and could sort of enjoy it.
It just seems unfair that sex should take all this trouble and work and effort and strain. It's supposed to be natural and pleasurable, right???? Sigh.
So far, being pregnant feels like having a low-grade fever ALL THE TIME. I don't feel terrible, but I definitely don't feel normal or good. It's exhausting.
I'm honestly not sure how people ever, ever have a second pregnancy if this is how they feel the first time through.
The scary thing is, I'm only 5 weeks along....!
So now it's Saturday, and I can't even enjoy it because I'm sitting here, awake too early, feeling just feverish enough and just sick enough at my stomach to wish I were at least asleep so I could be passing time obliviously. I need to clean up a bit.... fun, fun, fun.
Sorry for the bummed-out post.... nothing much else to write about here.
1/20/2011
Nice Guys Always Finish Last? Don't Think So.
I'm so tired of men who complain that "nice guys always finish last."
The question is, do they? I don't think so.
I know many, many nice, stable, Christian men with stable jobs, nice guy friends, and a host of healthy hobbies who have married gals looking for just those qualities. My husband is only one of them.
The problem with the old adage, "Nice guys finish last," is... how do you define "nice"?
Now, if by "nice" you mean moody, sensitive, submissive, touchy, easily hurt, and unable to lead... sure, those guys finish last. But I think they're kidding themselves if they whine that it's because they are "nice."
It's not because you're nice. Sure, there are a minority of women out there who don't like nice guys and would rather find a leather-clad drug addict who can yell at them and hit them and make them cry. But that's not most of us.
Most of us want a guy who will care about our emotions, be friendly toward our mothers, hug us when we're sad, and take care of us when we're sick. That's good nice.
But we don't want a guy who "lets" us make most of the decisions, doesn't like conflict, won't stand up for himself, and is afraid to tell us no and give us a stern look every once in a while. That's bad nice. And our society is kicking out more and more of these guys.
On the first few dates, they're hard to tell apart from the good nice guys. But eventually, we start to notice little things. Like that he is afraid to say anything that will upset his mother. That he wants us to pick where we'll go and what we'll do, because all he is capable of saying is, "I don't care where we eat/what we do/what movie we see." A guy who will get his feelings hurt and then not tell us about it. A guy who complains a lot about his boss and work environment, but never actually goes and talks to his boss about it. A guy who prefers to give us whatever we want instead of risking making us angry. A guy who will always apologize, but never expect to be apologized to.
That's bad nice. In fact, I don't even consider it "nice." I'd call that passive.
There are some Domme women out there who enjoy submissive men and cultivate great relationships with them. There are also some powerhouse vanilla women out there just itching for a husband they can boss around and treat like a servant (they won't ever word it that way. They'll say, "It makes him happy to make me happy").
But most women want a man they can lean on and trust in an emergency. Someone who can protect them emotionally and physically, and that means having the physical power to do it and the emotional balls to follow through. Sure, they want a nice man who loves and provides for them, but they also want someone who can make strong decisions, discipline their children, and stand up for their family against evil bosses and in-laws.
So quit whining that "I'm just too nice, I guess."
It's not that you're too nice, because there is no such thing as being too nice. It's that aside from being a nice guy, you're also a pushover or indecisive or a wimp or passive. You probably don't like to look at yourself that way, so you make excuses like you're "nice."
Be honest with yourself. Who are the heroes of romance novels? Warriors. Heroes. Strong men. Men who are willing to stand up for themselves and their women and their families, physically if they have to, but most certainly verbally and emotionally. Men who are willing to fight battles and go out on a limb. They're probably also nice, wonderful husbands and caring fathers, but they're still men.
Think about it.
1/18/2011
Too cold... too cold... just rambling
It's coooold here in Missouri. Very, very cold. (You folks in New England probably think I'm a huge wuss, and you'd be right.)
My poor hubby keeps asking hopefully if I'm in the mood for sex, and I keep having to turn the poor guy down. I'm too bloated and too exhausted for it to even be feasible, plus I'm recovering from a yeast infection and just generally too tired to do much in the way of anything.
The good news is, he's very patient. :)
What with the hormonal changes, it's not that I'm not interested in sex.... it's just that it's physically not feasible at the moment. I have dreams about sex and slow, tantalizing fingering that's WAY better than it could be in real life, but when I'm awake I'm just too uncomfortable. It seems unfair for my body to be acting this way so early. :(
So, any of you have great ideas? I'd be open to the obvious solutions, but hand jobs and oral sex take him like 40 minutes to come, if he comes. My muscles and patience are just not up to that. :(
If only there were a way to get him so turned on that he could come after 5 or 10 minutes... sigh.
So anyway, my good friend the Rabbit Vibe still seems like a great idea to me (hormone changes = far better and faster and more delicious orgasms than I'd been having lately!) but when your body insists that you go to bed by 9 pm, and by 7 pm you're looking longingly at the clock wondering how you'll make it til bedtime.... it's hard.
The good thing? Hormones are, by nature, variable, so in a week I may be rarin' to go! :)
In other news, my fingers and toes may never be warm again. My dad bought me one pair of super-thick hunting socks, and I may have to buy some more. It is so freaking miserable outside that I come in and huddle under the blanket and drink hot soup and turn up the heat... but my feet and hands are still freezing. I HATE YOU, Winter!
Only 4 more months til spring......
My poor hubby keeps asking hopefully if I'm in the mood for sex, and I keep having to turn the poor guy down. I'm too bloated and too exhausted for it to even be feasible, plus I'm recovering from a yeast infection and just generally too tired to do much in the way of anything.
The good news is, he's very patient. :)
What with the hormonal changes, it's not that I'm not interested in sex.... it's just that it's physically not feasible at the moment. I have dreams about sex and slow, tantalizing fingering that's WAY better than it could be in real life, but when I'm awake I'm just too uncomfortable. It seems unfair for my body to be acting this way so early. :(
So, any of you have great ideas? I'd be open to the obvious solutions, but hand jobs and oral sex take him like 40 minutes to come, if he comes. My muscles and patience are just not up to that. :(
If only there were a way to get him so turned on that he could come after 5 or 10 minutes... sigh.
So anyway, my good friend the Rabbit Vibe still seems like a great idea to me (hormone changes = far better and faster and more delicious orgasms than I'd been having lately!) but when your body insists that you go to bed by 9 pm, and by 7 pm you're looking longingly at the clock wondering how you'll make it til bedtime.... it's hard.
The good thing? Hormones are, by nature, variable, so in a week I may be rarin' to go! :)
In other news, my fingers and toes may never be warm again. My dad bought me one pair of super-thick hunting socks, and I may have to buy some more. It is so freaking miserable outside that I come in and huddle under the blanket and drink hot soup and turn up the heat... but my feet and hands are still freezing. I HATE YOU, Winter!
Only 4 more months til spring......
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)