The BDSM Community

One thing I have found about the BDSM community is that it is very, very open minded.  I get the feeling it wasn't always this way, that a few decades ago if you weren't into black leather and gay sex (the two most stereotypical facets of BDSM originally), you were sort of shunned since mainstream society had shunned them.

But the community grew, and now any kink is okay. There is a community-wide openmindedness that is perfectly described by the half-joking acronym YKINMKBYKIOK, Your Kink Is Not My Kink But Your Kink Is OK.



It is something I really, really like about this community. I'm in somewhat of a minority in the BDSM community, one because my Dom and I are monogamous and two because I am Christian. It is easy to shun others who aren't like you, but because the BDSM community is pretty much comprised of people who have sexual practices that are shunned by mainstream society, and that is a huge umbrella of kinks and proclivities, the community has really reached out to all sexual outsiders with the message, Come on in. We won't judge.

And for the most part, people don't. Sure, I see a few FetLife forums where Wiccans and Christians get into it, or the occasional rant about how monogamy is unnatural (ironic, no?), but mostly, people respect your boundaries and they respect your kink.

You're into being a dog or a horse or a kitty cat? An adult baby? A slave? Weird. But cool.

You're into Christian Domestic Discipline? You're polyamorous? You're a man who likes to be dominated by women? You fantasize about being raped? You're gay or straight or bi? Cool.

And I really, really like that mentality.

One, it has helped me grow into an individual who is a lot less judgmental of others' sexual desires. A friend confided in me that his fiancee likes to be slapped. I sort of shrugged. That might have been weird for me five years ago, but that's nothing compared to the stuff I read on FetLife, and I've gotten to know some of those people and they are serious cool, normal people whom I would be happy to hang out with. Another friend recently confided in me that his wife is interested in having a threesome. Sure, that's not my kink (as a Christian, I'd think that's a sin, but he's not a Christian and does not hold himself to the same moral values I do, and besides, I'm not living his life and what he does in his marriage is not my concern). Thanks to my experience with way more poly relationships than a one-time hookup, I was able to give him unbiased advice about a safe way to possibly meet someone with those interests, without going through something sketchy and potentially unsafe like Craigslist or a prostitute.

I like that through FetLife, I have relationships with people who are Christian and a dozen other faiths, people who are M/s, people who are CDD, people who are gay or straight or single or married. I like that this community says, "Welcome in. You'll find a place for yourself here. And if you don't, you can make one."

I think that's very cool.

How Far Would You Go?

How far would you go to make your partner enjoy your sex life? Not just nod and smile through it, but really enjoy it?

Would you be mean and dominating, if that's what it took to turn her on?

Would you pin her down, talk dirty to her, bite her hard? Would you read D/s blogs and discuss with her what you liked, didn't like, agreed with, and thought was a turn-on?

Would you pray with her for a better sex life?

Would you dust off the old toys and handcuff her, whip her, frighten her, make her cry, and then hold and comfort her while you brought her to orgasm?

I wish someone would do that for me.

BDSM without the Accoutrements

BDSM without the toys... is it still BDSM?

Well, yes, you can make an argument that BDSM is more about the relationship between two people-- is one in control? Is the other submissive? You can create the allusion of control without the bangs and whistles, without the whips and gags and rope and handcuffs. It is possible through the positions, the words, the way he holds her down, even where he holds her (I, for instance, am a big fan of having my neck grabbed).

But while the accoutrements do not make the experience, they certainly enhance it. That's why every sex store has a BDSM section with canes, whips, ball gags, handcuffs, and bondage rope. That's why all the pictures you look up with the keyword "submission" have either a photo including some kind of bondage or pain, or a caption with words. You just can't get a real snapshot of dominance and submission without one or the other. Something makes the experience dominating. It's not just having the guy be on top, because vanilla people do that. It's not just declaring yourself to be in charge and then proceeding to have vanilla sex. There must be some other quality, something ethereal and hard to define,  something about the way he handles you or the tone he uses, something about the toys you incorporate or the pain he inflicts.

 

Otherwise... it's just vanilla.

I Feel Him

I feel him as I move through the house, feel his core connected to my core, his heart beating to my heart. Moving away, turning back around, and now nearing him. I feel him. I know where he is, because he knows who he is, and there I know who I am, in relation to him.

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Gosh, I've missed this place. I've needed a night like this. Silence, darkness, peace... alone...

It's so lovely.

I don't have time to be creative and uncontrolled when I'm busy being a wife and worker and mom, but my husband loves me and tries to carve some time out of our year to let me get an outlet. I try to be content with it, but I am not myself.

Our sex life has gotten better. I swear he used to say (when he was mad at me) he wasn't into BDSM anymore, I'd ruined it by my harping and funsucking (not his word), and he hated it and wished we'd never heard of it. This hurt me immensely, not only making me feel this special part of myself I'd shared with him was being rejected, but also afraid this meant we were not sexually compatible as I'd thought.

But the last few months, it's better. I don't know if I finally lowered my expectations or he rose to them, but it's been great. He regularly sexually dominates me in the bedroom. Sometimes I feel we just engage in it for the domination, and the sex is just an accidental side effect--a theatre, if you will, for our plays.

He offers less, so I have to take less. I can feel him starving me, making me less selfish and I hate it but I stay quiet. I try to make little sacrifices. I am very hurt when he does not notice or appreciate them. He bosses me around more. I rail against it less. I am learning that he will not give in, anymore; not as he used to that horrible/wonderful summer I was pregnant and we were locked in a bitter struggle for sexual compatibility. I lie there and let him take me, whimpering and wondering if he really means it when he whispers, "I know you hate this. I'm going to do it anyway."

I am happy, deep in my heart, content in my sexuality as a married Christian woman and finally coming to peace with my sexuality and womanhood. I used to fear ir, wanted to stay a young girl forever, virginal and pure, but I'm learning it's an okay thing to have a man know you and love you and use you if he still respects you all other times, that it's an okay thing to feel my hips sway and my breasts heavier and know that I can walk this way, knowing that I have made wild love and pushed a child out of my body, and maybe it's okay that men notice it and are attracted by it and I'm fuller and more lush. I'm learning it's a great time playing with my daughter, even watching videos with her, and she makes me laugh. I'm learning I can be more patient than I thought I could. I'm learning that I can still get excited about my job and get fired up about it. I'm learning that I can make sacrifices for my husband even when I begrudge him it. I'm re-teaching myself to talk to God.

I'm enjoying this silence and this rest and this book and hell, this night.