11/01/2013

New Post

Gosh, I've missed this place. I've needed a night like this. Silence, darkness, peace... alone...

It's so lovely.

I don't have time to be creative and uncontrolled when I'm busy being a wife and worker and mom, but my husband loves me and tries to carve some time out of our year to let me get an outlet. I try to be content with it, but I am not myself.

Our sex life has gotten better. I swear he used to say (when he was mad at me) he wasn't into BDSM anymore, I'd ruined it by my harping and funsucking (not his word), and he hated it and wished we'd never heard of it. This hurt me immensely, not only making me feel this special part of myself I'd shared with him was being rejected, but also afraid this meant we were not sexually compatible as I'd thought.

But the last few months, it's better. I don't know if I finally lowered my expectations or he rose to them, but it's been great. He regularly sexually dominates me in the bedroom. Sometimes I feel we just engage in it for the domination, and the sex is just an accidental side effect--a theatre, if you will, for our plays.

He offers less, so I have to take less. I can feel him starving me, making me less selfish and I hate it but I stay quiet. I try to make little sacrifices. I am very hurt when he does not notice or appreciate them. He bosses me around more. I rail against it less. I am learning that he will not give in, anymore; not as he used to that horrible/wonderful summer I was pregnant and we were locked in a bitter struggle for sexual compatibility. I lie there and let him take me, whimpering and wondering if he really means it when he whispers, "I know you hate this. I'm going to do it anyway."

I am happy, deep in my heart, content in my sexuality as a married Christian woman and finally coming to peace with my sexuality and womanhood. I used to fear ir, wanted to stay a young girl forever, virginal and pure, but I'm learning it's an okay thing to have a man know you and love you and use you if he still respects you all other times, that it's an okay thing to feel my hips sway and my breasts heavier and know that I can walk this way, knowing that I have made wild love and pushed a child out of my body, and maybe it's okay that men notice it and are attracted by it and I'm fuller and more lush. I'm learning it's a great time playing with my daughter, even watching videos with her, and she makes me laugh. I'm learning I can be more patient than I thought I could. I'm learning that I can still get excited about my job and get fired up about it. I'm learning that I can make sacrifices for my husband even when I begrudge him it. I'm re-teaching myself to talk to God.

I'm enjoying this silence and this rest and this book and hell, this night.

1 comment:

Blindfolded WithSilk said...

Great & touching post.
And jeez do I know what you mean about finding time to write/ have an outlet. But you feel all the more better when a piece is written, huh?

Anyways, new follower, looking forward to future posts. All the best to you and yours for 2014!

-RR Blondie
blindfoldedwithsilk.blogspot.co.uk